You Can’t Lose What’s Not Yours
Jasper/Maria
A/N: I don’t necessarily believe that this is canon. It’s just an idea I had. You never know…
Thank you to ElleCC for beta'ing. It called to her =)
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It didn’t take long to understand why Maria had chosen me. Changed me. She saw something she wanted, and it was simply her natural inclination to take. And to use, of course.
Strength. Confidence. Bravery in the face of danger. Experience.
It was all underdeveloped potential in her eyes. Once I was transformed and granted the advantages of immortal life, those characteristics she coveted became more than she had ever dreamed.
Yes, she had changed me for selfish reasons – because she felt that I would be a valuable soldier in her army – but that wasn’t the reason she kept me.
I began as a part of the newborn army, just as we all had, battling my way through the first year of life. Honestly, I had to admire her for the order and authority she maintained over that ever-changing group. We all had human minds that were capable of rational thought and self-control, so it wasn’t as though we were untamable, but instincts at that stage are difficult to overcome. Yet somehow, she found a way to develop, nurture, and maintain loyalty amongst her children. The reality of her methods was kept behind the scenes; we never knew how or when a new addition was changed, and when the time came that someone was no longer valuable enough for her to keep, she made it look as though they were killed during battle, not exterminated at her hand.
I would later learn the truth and become a part of those secret processes.
The night that everything changed was on the eve of an attack she had planned. I was still young, anxious for anything to sate my hostility – blood, a fight…and something I didn’t realize until it happened.
“Come, Cariño,” she beckoned, finding me amongst the others. Darling. She had taken to calling me her darling a few months after changing me. No one else had a nickname, but I never questioned it because the name was always accompanied by something else: true affection.
This time, the affection was present, but it had new companions. Amusement. Desire. Aggression.
I followed her back to the house she now occupied. We were all nomadic at best, but when we were between battles, rebuilding the army and preparing as she planned the next attack, we had a sort of home base. They were all run down homes or locations that had once housed humans we fed from, but they served their purpose when we needed solitude. Maria’s home was the nicest and largest, of course, but we were never allowed in it. Apparently, something big was happening for her to grant me access.
Inside the house, she circled me like the predator she was, dragging a stiff finger along my body as she moved. I absorbed her emotions, trying to make sense of this new development and what it would mean. Her feelings were so insistent that it was difficult to keep them from becoming my own.
“I’m not willing to give you up when your strength levels off. You are too special to this army…to me,” she added. Her tone was casual and borderline flippant, but as she spoke the last two words, her sincerity broke through. “Would you like that, mi cariño? To help me teach my children…to have your own room in this house?” She stopped in front of me, bringing a hand to my cheek and running her fingers back into my hair. That form of contact was unexpected and enticing.
“Tell me more,” I requested, too logical to accept her offer without a full understanding of her expectations. She fired a wicked, knowing grin at me and stepped closer.
“Can’t I tell you later? Right now, I’d rather…well…”
I wasn’t actually experienced in that way, but yes, I did know. I understood the feelings people had from infatuation to love, and of course, lust. I had no applicable knowledge, aside from my desires, but it was becoming quite obvious that Maria intended to change that.
“Tan guapo…tan fuerte…tan inteligente…” she purred as her arms wove around my neck, drawing me closer.
There was no reason to object, no reason to deny her. The look in her brilliant red eyes was one of unmistakable intentions, and the rest of her was no less enticing. From her curvaceous yet slender body to the thick, dark hair that billowed over her shoulders, she was a glorious beauty. Paired with her strength and power, any efforts to resist would have been fruitless anyway.
Seizing the opportunity, I wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her flush against my body.
That first time was quick and to the point, at least in a vampire’s terms of sex. She kissed me roughly and peeled off my clothes impatiently. I collapsed on top of her right there on the floor, and she angled herself beneath me in a position she enjoyed.
From that point on, that was the way things were. I rose to a place of influence in Maria’s army, relatively speaking. She was far too power-hungry to relinquish her authority to anyone else, but the newborns understood that I was to be obeyed unless she told them otherwise. Few questioned my role, whether it was because of my fierce and deadly combat skills, the scars I bore from enemies defeated at my hand, or the favor I was shown by our ruthless leader.
At the time, I did not seek anything other than what I had. My only memories of my human life were as a young soldier, so it was fitting for me to continue that lifestyle as an immortal. All my needs and instinctive desires were met – a place to channel my aggression, an outlet to do what came naturally to me as a soldier, and plenty of blood to sate my thirst. The arrangement with Maria seemed to wrap it all up into a very satisfying package, fulfilling my…baser wants.
We were not a mated pair or even a couple by any means. It was more of a working arrangement where we operated as a functional pair. We served a purpose to one another. On occasion, I would feels bits and pieces of something from her, but it was never a bond. It was certainly never love.
Months turned into years, and years turned into decades. Others came and went, and few were allowed to retain their lives as I had. There were a few small instances of one of Maria’s children “disappearing,” but none of those were gifted or served a particularly special purpose to her. She could have hunted them down and reclaimed their lives, but she found it much easier to write them off in much the same way she did the casualties of war. In her eyes, they were easily replaced and not worth the trouble of chasing after.
Maria had always taken what she wanted, when she wanted it, without question or hesitation. If she felt a sexual attraction to anyone else – male or female – she would have them. Few made repeat performances, and none were ever given the freedom to approach her for sex; that was something that only I was allowed. Things were similar for me. I bedded a few other women when I felt the lustful pangs of their desire for me, but I had no interest in anyone beyond that.
There really was no way to name or place a title on the relationship I shared with Maria. It was casual, and it was not. It sated the physical cravings, but on occasion, it would be something more. In my unbeating heart, I understood that we were both reaching for some higher form of fulfillment, even though we knew what we ultimately sought could not be found in one another. Yet there was some significant bond between us.
In the end, that was not enough.
My final years with Maria were filled with a growing sense of turmoil from within me. I had grown tired of the endless tirade for dominance over a society of savages, all for the sake of priority hunting ground. I was interested in more than blood and control; I wanted to see beyond Texas and Mexico. More than anything, I wanted relief from the emotional weight of my lifestyle. For someone who did not require rest, I was surprisingly weary on the inside. I needed to get away, to feel something for myself and not be responsible for controlling the emotional states of others.
“Where are you, Cariño?” Maria asked, coming to stand behind me and wrap her arms around my waist. I stared off into the distance, not moving from my position on the veranda.
After a long moment of silence, I finally responded. “I’m right here.”
She huffed at my evasiveness. We both knew she wasn’t asking about my physical location.
“Speak to me,” she quietly demanded, and I found myself taken aback by her genuine concern. “You are not the eager young man I brought into my home all those years ago. Tell me why that is.”
I leaned back slightly, accepting her cheek as it nuzzled between my shoulder blades. Innately, I desired comfort, even amidst my struggle to pull away. I had known her longer than I had anyone else in this life or during my short time as a human; it was no small task to break myself of my Maria habit.
“You will not want to hear what I truly have to say,” I stated simply, continuing to avoid her curiosity. I allowed my hands to rest on hers, keeping one on my stomach, and sliding our other clasped hands to the small of her back, holding her to me.
“I doubt I will,” she said, and a sense of longing swept through her. Like the flicker of a candle in the wind, it was quickly extinguished and covered with the lascivious wants stirred by our closeness.
I sighed.
“You are so sad,” she informed me, and the observation surprised me. “You think I don’t see it, but I know you better than anyone. I read it in your eyes, I sense it in your touch, and I feel it coming from you when you don’t know you’re projecting. You have less control over your own emotions than you do of others; have you ever realized that?”
Her assessment was unexpected, and I spun to face her, to study her face, to understand where this was coming from. In all our time together, her concern for me had never been as strong as it was now. And her words…they supported my thoughts that she did indeed know me best.
I looked deeply into her fearsome scarlet eyes and tried to imagine them as a deep, rich brown. Her skin was not the same pale white as mine, but most of its human tone was gone, leaving an other worldly version of blanched caramel. In my mind, I pictured her as a beautiful young Mexican woman, cooking with a group of other women in a stone kitchen as the men gathered outside in the sun. I imagined who she would have been in her human life. I let my mind slip back to my final human memory and allowed that scene to play differently. She would have been a lady in distress with her friends, and I, the respectable Major, would have escorted them to safety. Perhaps then we could have found true romance. Perhaps not. Either way, that was how I pictured her on what would be our last night together. Unbeknownst to Maria, this was my goodbye.
“Make me feel something different, then,” I told her, tipping her chin to capture her lips with mine. It was the last thing either of us spoke aloud for hours.
I lifted her from the porch, and she hitched her legs around my waist willingly. I carried her inside with ease until we reached her bedroom, where I proceeded to undress both of us without her help. My eyes wandered over her body slowly, taking in each unchanged curve and smooth line. I had memorized every inch of her form long ago, and it would remain in my mind for all of eternity, but this felt necessary somehow in that moment. I knew she was studying my face, wondering why this was so slow and different from the hundreds – no,thousands – of other times we had been together, but I couldn’t tell her yet.
I couldn’t think about Peter and his secret departure with the young female I was meant to eliminate. There would be no way to make her understand the determined loyalty Peter felt toward his new mate, or the simple fact that the two members of the army had bonded at all. She would surely not see how Peter would have faced her himself or ripped my arms off in order to protect his newborn lover. More than anything, nothing would prepare Maria for the news that I had finally accepted Peter’s offer to join them in the North; that I was leaving her.
Instead, I gave her the only thing I could: one last piece of myself.
As she lay on the bed before me, I knelt at her feet, lifting her right leg and kissing a trail up to her thigh. I moved on to the other side, kissing and swiping my tongue over her skin, which bore many crescent-shaped scars similar to mine. I did the same to her hands, kissing each finger, nuzzling the sensitive expanse of her inner arms, and making my way to her neck. I could not look into her eyes, but I knew she watched me.
She wound her fingers through my hair, guiding my motions as I lavished her neck, collarbone, and chest with a variety of attention from my mouth and fingers. I traced mindless designs over her smooth stomach, feeling her body clench and react to my touch as I slowly moved closer to where she wanted me. Hovering over her body, creating a canopy over her deceiving slim frame – small, yet so powerful – I slipped a finger inside her. She bucked for me, wordlessly begging for more, and I gave it willingly. I worked her until she was on the edge, then I pulled my hand away before she could stop me. With a hard slam, I was inside her, moving and growling, sucking on her neck.
She flipped me over with a bit of force, laying her body over mine and grinding us together. It was so close and needful, a position we had taken countless times together. Then she stood abruptly, pulling me to my feet and mounting me once more. I held her firm thighs against my forearms, cupping her ass in my hands so she could bounce upon me. It was fevered and hot, and the room filled with the sounds of panting from our needless breaths.
Feeling us both nearing the edge, I focused on my climax and pulled hers into it as well. I imagined the blissful, intoxicating sensations as a ball of energy, growing larger with each passing second. I had honed this skill over the years with practice and experience, but the desperation in our behavior this time made it greater than any time in the past. Knowing that I would lose control soon, I backed her into a wall with an unintentional slam. My hands slapped flat against the vertical surface, and Maria’s legs held tighter to my waist to make up for it. With reckless abandon, my hips beat against hers, and I forced myself deeper, like a battering ram. I could hear plaster and brick crack and crumble, but we did not stop. Reaching inside myself, I found the place where I held emotions and pulled that ball of ecstasy to the surface, allowing it to explode.
Maria screamed louder than I had ever heard, with a violent blend of incoherent cries and animalistic growls. Her entire body shook and convulsed with pleasure in an orgasm that sent us crashing to the floor. In that same moment, still linked together, her teeth sank into my shoulder, marking me for the last time.
~*~*~*~*~*~
We hadn’t stopped after that. A brief respite was taken to recover from the most mind-blowing climax we had ever experienced, but that level of gratification induced a need for more…and more…and more.
For hours we continued. All through the house, breaking furniture and walls, sometimes fast and sometimes slow. It was more than a goodbye; it was a cleansing. Finally, the day ended and nightfall came. It was time to tend to the newborns.
We dressed, and I hesitated with my next move, completely unsure how to proceed. This had been my life – she had been my life – for so long. I found myself alone in my room, staring at the few material items I possessed but would have to leave behind. I was staggered when I felt her coming into the room.
Her emotions screamed at me. I had never felt anything like it from her. Maria had never been attached to anyone, not even me. There had been lust, affection, and trust, but nothing akin to attachment. No matter what we did together or how much time we spent working and fighting side by side, it had not been like this. She was overwhelmed by an enormous sense of sorrow, and I could tell that the foreign emotion was incredibly strange for her. She felt as confused by all of this as I did.
Moving to me with her natural vampire speed, she clutched my face in her hands, gripping with painful force. “Why are you leaving me, mi cariño? Have you not been given everything you desire? A position at my side, the richest blood, my body whenever you wished. Is it no longer enough?”
Her words were uncharacteristic. Maria begged no one. She had wanted for nothing as long as I had known her.
I remained stoic because it was the only way I knew to deal with all of it.
“You said yourself that I’ve been unhappy,” I said calmly, looking into her eyes only for a split second before glancing away. “I cannot do this any longer. You have been good to me. Better than I ever expected. But the time has come for me to move along.”
“I can give you more if that is what you seek,” she said, holding me tighter. “Do not go.”
I shook my head in her hands, finally locking our gaze. “I have absorbed the aggression and violence of a thousand newborns. I have internalized the fear and agony of every human whose lives we’ve claimed. I have felt the torture of so many others burning in their change. I cannot stay…I cannot.” I realized that I was still shaking my head, and I was alarmed when Maria’s emotions shifted, boiling with anger and hatred.
“I could kill you,” she growled, moving her hands to an offensive position on my head; she was prepared to tear it off. I did not object, I did not move to defend myself, and I did not even stiffen under her hold.
“But you won’t,” I replied knowingly.
“I could never…” she whispered, turning away from me in defeat.
Her anger had subsided, but it was replaced with hurt, deep, though she tried to hide it.
“Go. Now. Don’t make me watch you leave.”
Her words were firm, but after all we had been through, I could not leave things unsettled. I moved around until I faced her again, bending to place one final kiss upon her lips.
“I am sorry.”
She closed her eyes, breathing through her nose as she gathered her thoughts. “If you ever wish to come back…”
“I know.”
With her eyes still sealed shut, I brushed the back of my fingers across her cheek and disappeared.
That was the last time I ever saw Maria.
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