Chapter 5 - Finding My Own Way
Three Years Later
“Happy graduation.”
I shivered at the words whispered into my ear in an alluring baritone. I could hear the smile in his voice just before he kissed the edge of my jaw.
Pulling back, I stared up at him. It was impossible to keep my hands to myself when I looked at this man. Without hesitation, my touch drifted to his muscled arms, feeling them tense and relax under me. I moved across his chest, tickling up his neck until my fingers wound through his hair. The thick, coarse strands held a familiarity I relished as I tugged them between bending knuckles.
His eyes bore into mine, making me feel that same thrill they had since the day I fell in love with him. Dark and deep, they spoke of intense passion, as though I was all that he could see, despite the hundreds of people surrounding us. I glanced at my soft, pale skin against the darkness of his russet complexion and night-black hair, and it made my heart thump excitedly.
Getting here was agonizing, but that no longer mattered. I loved his man, just as he loved me.
When he saw my wide smile and intense gaze, he leaned toward me automatically. Our lips met, with sparks of passion and desire consuming us both. In that moment, I couldn’t have been any happier.
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After returning home from Forks, my life felt like a roller coaster of emotions.
I talked to Seth about our feelings. He wanted to be with me, even though he knew it could permanently damage his relationship with Jacob. He said he didn’t care – his feelings for me were that strong – I was that important to him.
So many tears were shed on both sides when I went to Jacob.
“You could give him an order as the Alpha to stay away from me. You could make him go away,” I said. It wasn’t a question or suggestion; only a simple statement of the truth as I acknowledged the possibility.
“But I haven’t.”
“Why?” I asked insistently. “If it pains you so much to see me give my affection to someone else, especially one of your brothers, then why do you allow it to continue?”
“Don’t you understand me at all?” His hand rose to tenderly cup my cheek. His wide thumb stroked the bone beneath my eye with quiet reverence. “Your happiness is my happiness, even when it hurts me. I could never consciously inflict pain on you just to save myself from it.”
No matter what happened, someone would be hurt. No matter how I chose, it would hurt me.
After months of wavering and indecision, avoidance and longing (on all our parts), I grew tired of feeling responsible for something I shouldn’t have. Omissions and lies had been woven around me all my life, and as the bindings were released, I was the one left to fight my way out of the tangled mess. It exhausted me – mind, body, and soul. So I gave up. I gave in.
I chose refuge from the war of emotions in the only person I knew I could truly trust.
I chose myself.
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My family watched me turn into a despondent robot, and when they couldn’t take it any longer, they stepped forward. They each tried to speak with me about my feelings – not all at once, which I was grateful for, but it was difficult nonetheless.
I still spent time with both Seth and Jacob because it was impossible to not do so, but my behavior was a farce. I pretended that they were both friends, just like we had been before I went to high school, learned the truth about the imprint, and everything changed. They were both accepting of avoidance tactics, always willing to be there when I needed them and wait in the wings when I stayed away, needing space.
They couldn’t hide the looks, though. Even when they thought I couldn’t see them watching me, I knew.
Things became easier eventually, but only because we had settled into a routine way of living. We’d all become good at pushing our longing aside, as though it didn’t really exist at all. But it did. Someone was always hungering, whether it was for love, attention, affection, relief, or closure.
My parents took me away for the summers, starting with that very first year. We traveled to Europe, Africa, and South America. Sight-seeing was done mostly by night, but it did not detract from the beauty of each landscape, relic, or wonder of the world. We made stops in remote locations where old friends who had once defended my life welcomed me with open arms, praising my growth, beauty, and charm.
My favorite visit was to the Amazons, Zafrina especially. She and I shared pictures with one another, and the love she projected to me was almost motherly. When she questioned the hole she could sense in my life, not because of her ability but due to the strange bond we shared, I had no answers for her. She encouraged me to seek my happiness, not run from it. She said I was over-thinking things and therefore couldn’t find my answer.
“Open your heart, my darling. I see you’ve closed yourself for so long you can no longer find your truth.” She placed her palm against my forehead. “Stop using this…” Her other hand lay over my heart. “…and allow this to lead you.”
That was the third summer we traveled, and in the weeks between that visit and our return home, her words had haunted me.
Just before senior year began, we were back in Oregon, reunited with family and friends. With Zafrina’s words echoing in my mind, something shifted.
Somehow, in the ten weeks we had spent away, everything changed. When I looked at my wolves, I no longer saw them the way I did before leaving for my summer holiday. Everything was new…different… It felt right. I knew it in my heart, just as Zafrina said I would.
One man accepted me with a love that felt like it could move a mountain. The other accepted my decision because he too loved me, and he understood.
My family was happy because I was happy, and I knew there was a collective sigh of relief that I had finally come back to life.
I was fully grown and matured, an equal to my family in every way but one.
“I…I’m ready,” I told him one spring night as we lay beneath a blanket of stars, far from the family homes.
“You’re sure?” he asked, furrowing his dark brows in concern. “We don’t have to yet. It hasn’t even been a year.”
I flipped him onto his back, causing a stunned widening of his eyes. My playful grin was reflected back at me.
“Absolutely.”
With my confirmation, he kissed me softly, then hard, and soft again. Words of devotion and adoration were whispered in my ear and against my skin, each followed by a loving lick or nip. Our bodies moved slowly and carefully, eliciting a chorus of sweet sighs and the occasional uncomfortable squeak.
It was perfect, not because we did everything right or without fumbling like the virgins we were, but because it was us, and that solitary act was the manifestation of our love.
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When our lips parted, we both continued to smile. Before turning toward my family to receive their congratulations, I stood on my tiptoes and whispered to him.
“Happy graduation to you too, Seth.”
There were hugs all around, and when I received the final one from Jacob, I remembered his words on the day I told him of my decision.
“I won’t stop you, no matter how much it tears me up inside, but there’s something I want to make sure you understand before you proceed.”
Through tearful eyes, I nodded for him to continue.
“There’s always the chance he could imprint. On someone else, Carlie. Do you understand that?”
“Yes,” I whispered, hating myself for destroying my best friend’s heart, but certain that I could no longer deny my need to be with Seth. Two and a half years had been long enough.
Seth took my hand as we exited the gymnasium where our high school graduation had been held.
Even if this didn’t last, it would always be worth the time we had to love one another, of that I was certain.
A terrible, selfish thought lingered in the back of my mind. It was my deepest, darkest secret, and I had devoted a great deal of effort to hide it from everyone, especially my mind reading father. I knew that, even if this love did not survive, I would always have Jacob to pick up the pieces of my broken heart. I prayed that he would never need to.
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