Chapter 24
Songs: Broken – Seether ft. Amy Lee & I Miss You – Incubus
“Please, Bella. Just explain it to me. You have to realize that I've wondered since pretty much...forever. With all the other stuff we did, I could not for the life of me figure out why you wouldn't do that.”
“Noooooo,” I whined into the phone, trying desperately to get out of this discussion any way I could. Conversations with Edward were becoming more frequent since he told me about his impending divorce, but I really did not want to get into this particular subject with him.
“Honesty,” he said in an adorkable little singsong voice. It immediately made me giggle and smile widely. Rolling over on my bed, I buried my face in my pillow and screamed for a moment. “You all right there, babe?” he asked.
“Yes, I'm fine,” I huffed as I rolled back and stared at the ceiling.
“Come on, we've made a lot of progress these past few months.”
He was right. Since that long, crazy conversation eight weeks ago, Edward and I had begun sharing a lot more than we ever had. He really opened himself up to me about his marriage and the counseling. It was great to finally speak without the restrictions of the past. Granted, it could get really uncomfortable when we talked about Jacob or Carissa, but it had to be said. If we were going to continue our...friendship - fuck, I didn't know what to call it anymore – then we had to work through all these other issues.
It was strange because I found myself incredibly comfortable with where we stood right now. There were always awkward moments when it was just too undefined to make sense, but we dealt with that. There were also the days one of us would really miss the other. They always came without warning, more a sad or lonely feeling than anything else. Those were the times it was harder to cope with this strange relationship that didn't necessarily have a future, but neither of us was willing to give it up just yet.
As of right now, Edward and Carissa were in the process of selling their house. They had taken a few extra sessions with their marriage counselor for a bit of mediation and guidance as they decided how to deal with the divorce. While she encouraged them to give their life together another chance, neither felt the will to do so. Carissa was too hurt and damaged about Edward's cheating, and Edward knew he could never love Carissa enough to give her a healthy relationship, whether I remained in his life or not.
Even though Edward and I had made promises of openness and honesty with one another, I allowed him to volunteer information about Carissa most of the time instead of asking for it. From what he told me, she was moving past the initial anger of his confession, but there was still a long way to go before she could ever forgive him. Even he couldn’t blame her for that. If I found out that my best friend and husband had cheated on me, I imagine the damage would be irreversible. It was a twisted double standard on my part, considering how much I still desired Edward despite our scandalous history. In the end, Edward and Carissa’s counseling continued so that they could make a plan for the future.
Where Finn was involved, they kept things incredibly amicable. Both were devoted to him and put forth extra effort to keep him as their main priority. Focusing on what was best for their son allowed them to put aside their issues and avoid unnecessary arguments over unimportant things. Honestly, the entire thing floored me; their efforts were quite admirable. I had no idea a separation and eventual divorce could go so well, but Edward assured me that their mutual attitude really did make a positive difference.
I wouldn't say that I was completely comfortable with things though.
Edward was still living in the house with Carissa. It was strained at times, but he didn't give me too many details about things. Even though it bothered me, I couldn’t exactly tell him what to do. He assured me that they were not romantically involved any longer and that he continued to stay in the guest bedroom. Finn did not know about their separation yet, as they hid the change in sleeping arrangements from their son. I thanked the Lord that I was not the one in their position. I couldn't imagine telling a kid that young about divorce, which is why I tried not to judge the way they chose to handle things, even if continuing to live together was unconventional and a bit strange. Divorce was an unpleasantly common occurrence, unfortunately, but that didn't make it any easier.
Right now, their house was on the market. They had a few prospective buyers show interest, but none of the offers they received were reasonable enough to accept. I listened incredulously the day Edward told me what they had planned to do after the house sold. They would both need to find a new place to live, considering that neither of them wanted to stay in the house they had shared, but I never expected the resolution they decided upon. He explained that they found a neighborhood in their area that contained smaller homes than theirs. There were numerous houses currently for sale, so they agreed that they would buy two smaller homes within the same development. The proximity would make joint custody of their son easier to handle, and Finn would have the freedom to see both his parents whenever he liked.
It was all incredibly complicated, as far as I was concerned. I tried to place myself in his shoes and understand the rationale for their arrangements, but it was a far stretch. I had never been a parent with the weight of child’s world on my shoulders, nor had I ever attempted to maintain a friendship with someone after our romance ended badly. I felt terrible that Edward had to deal with such an arduous lifestyle now, but it was his choice. Even after he begged me to ask him to be with me, I maintained my stance. He may love me, but whatever he chose had to be his decision. Everything he did had to be for himself and for Finn. If there was a possibility that I could someday come back into his life, it would be after all the messy details of his marriage and parenting arrangements were taken care of for good.
If.
It was too early to say what would become of Edward and me, but I liked where we were right now. Even the days that were torturous and hard.
He was becoming one of my closest friends, though I also considered Rosalie, Emmett, and Jasper my best friends. There was no way for me to choose one of them over the other because they each knew and understood me in such different ways. Each played an invaluable role in my life and was precious to me.
Rosalie was my other half. She was my carefree, nonjudgmental, sweet darling. We had experienced so many fun times and relationships together that she could read me better than myself sometimes. She knew my wildest side and didn't judge me for it. I missed her terribly and continued to constantly beg her to move here.
Emmett was my oldest friend. He knew my family, my history, and all the little quirks and experiences that made me who I am today. He was my foundation and my rock. He was my bodyguard and big brother. At the same time, he didn't hover or attempt to control me. Since he was my cousin and not my brother, he was protective without being obnoxious. He allowed me to make my own decisions, but offered assistance and guidance if I needed him. I knew that he shared many of those sentiments for me, too. In L.A., friends have a tendency to come and go, and having me around was refreshing and comforting to my personal giant.
Jasper was something completely different from Rosalie and Emmett. It was hard to explain our friendship in words because it was really more of a feeling with him. We had a special kind of comfort together that I hadn't ever felt with other guys. It was similar to my friendship with Emmett, but without the familial obligation. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that the sexual tension between us was nil. After we established our incompatibility as anything more than friends, we had been completely comfortable together. Looking back on my life since I first got boobs, almost every male friendship I had was riddled with flirtations and innuendo. This...wasn't. Not anymore.
Being able to speak freely about Edward to Jasper helped a lot, and I think he felt something similar when he discussed his relationship with Alice. Once again, that “outside party” thing came into play, giving us both the opportunity to talk without preconceived notions about our respective romantic relationships. Not to mention that Jasper was just an all around fun, interesting, and insightful person to have in my life.
Then there was Edward. We had always gotten along so incredibly well, save for the spats we had in the earlier days of our...whatever. Relationship? Even though I thought I was comfortable using that term at times, I still wavered on what to call us. What we had now was very different from back in the beginning.
He was undoubtedly my soul mate. We connected in emotional, spiritual, and physical ways that I never dreamed were possible. When we found time to speak, all other concerns and thoughts from my life vanished. He had a way of making my stress fall away with just the sound of his voice, and there were a number of times he shared similar sentiments with me. It was how I knew I couldn’t simply let go of him. Something kept us tied together. All those times we tried to stay away from one another failed. Maybe it was our conscience and the undeniable sense of right and wrong...or maybe it was the nature of fate, always drawing us back by some magnetic attraction. Perhaps it was a combination of both.
Regardless of what you called us, we needed each other.
I wanted to speed time up and figure out what the hell would become of us, but that was also my greatest fear. Things had continuously lined up in our favor, but would we really have a chance again? I just got to California and had no intentions of leaving. Edward was finally going to be free of his marriage, but he had to stay in Washington to be near Finn. We were always stuck, always going in circles. If the future didn't somehow work itself out so that we could be together, I didn't want to know what it would hold. Instead, I would enjoy this possibly fleeting time where we were friends who were learning new things about one another and making progress in a positive direction.
Progress. My mind snapped back to Edward's request, and I finally spoke up again.
“I don't hate oral sex.”
“Then why, with the exception of one time each, didn't you ever want to do it?”
“Ugh,” I groaned, seriously trying to avoid this conversation but knowing I couldn't any longer. “You know that Jacob and I were basically bed buddies for a long time before we actually dated.”
“Yeah, you've said that.”
“Well, it was just something we didn't do with other people. Even though we weren't dating,” I admitted. “And we didn't sleep with more than one person each day.”
“Damn, I would hope not,” he said in a tone that made me feel disgusted with myself.
When I didn't respond, he asked me what was wrong. I bit the inside of my cheek and told him how he made me feel.
“Don’t you dare judge me. You don’t get to judge me and make me feel guilty about that.”
“Bella, I wasn’t-“ he started before I cut off his explanation.
“Listen, I know I did a lot of really stupid stuff in my past, even if it wasn’t that long ago. Looking back on it now, I can see how slutty and reckless it all was, but at the time, I was just trying to find something – anything – that could bring me a little happiness, even if it was only temporary.”
“I apologize, baby,” he told me softly when my rant ended. “The last thing I want to do is make you feel bad about yourself when I have so much shit of my own that I haven’t told you.”
“Okay,” I said, steeling myself with a breath as I came down from uncomfortable high of my defensive reaction. “I won’t regret any of it because it’s a part of who I am and how we met, but that’s not a time in my life I wish to repeat, all right?”
“I’m glad to hear that, and I hope you’re not mad at me. I know it’s a double standard, but I hate thinking about you being with other people. For what it’s worth, if that’s what had to happen for us to meet, the sick, twisted, selfish part of me is glad for it.”
We discussed it a few minutes longer, trying to make peace with our histories and work through these things together. I was beginning to recognize my insecurities that I had kept hidden behind my sexuality in the past, and Edward was helping me deal with everything in a healthy manner.
“So I'm assuming there were times you were with him the day before or after you were with me?” he asked sounding dismayed.
“Well, yeah. Can you tell me that you never had sex with Carissa the day before or after you were with me?” I didn't want to think about those things, but I knew the answer.
“I told you we only had date night on Saturdays...” He trailed off, not completing the thought, but I knew the answer anyway. There were definitely times I had been with Edward on a Friday or Sunday.
“When was the last time you guys had sex that wasn't on a Saturday?”
“Seriously?”
“Yes, Edward. Honesty.”
He huffed into the phone, sounding frustrated and annoyed by my questions.
“Honestly, I don't even remember. Probably close to a year before I met you. Maybe a little more. I mean, it's not like I didn't want to back then, there was just never time, I guess.”
“It's okay. You don't have to justify anything to me,” I insisted. “I was just curious.”
“I wasn't trying to...yeah, maybe. I don't know.” He paused for a moment. “Did you ever think of me?”
My face scrunched in confusion. “Think about you? When? I think of you all the time.”
“No, babe. Did you ever think of me when you were with him?”
“Oh my god,” I shrieked. “Let's not go there.”
“Tell me.”
“No!”
“Honesty,” he sang. Damn that cute singing.
“This is not about honesty. This is about you being a dude and wanting to one-up my ex.”
I imagined he was shrugging and looking awfully smug as he chuckled in my ear. “Is that a yes?”
“Did you think of me with her?” I countered.
“Yes,” he said simply, and his voice was so monotone that I couldn't figure out whether he felt ashamed, smug or embarrassed about that.
Wanting to level our little playing field, I took a deep breath and answered him in return. “Only once. It's almost disturbing how good I was at maintaining my one track mind with sex, but I did have a single slip.”
“Will you tell me about it?”
“What? No! Absolutely not.”
“Come on, Bella. I don't want or need details about him; I just want to know why you thought of me...and what you thought.”
“Damn you, Edward Cullen!” I hollered, but I knew he could hear my humored frustration. I was hopeless when it came to resisting him.
“That's it. Tell me, babe.”
“Fine,” I relented in a heavy breath. “There was one time I had my hands in his hair and it made me think about you. His hair isn't as long as yours is, so there wasn't much to grab onto. It made me think about the way I loved holding onto your hair while we were together.”
“Was that it?” he asked. His voice suddenly sounded deeper and softer.
I didn't reply at first, but eventually answered him. “No,” I whispered into the phone.
In truth, things had gone downhill from there. With the thought of Edward and his perfect-for-sex hair in my mind, I had closed my eyes and gotten lost in an image of his body over mine, not Jake's. I tried to imagine that it was Edward fucking me, but the moment didn't last. Jacob was too broad, too hard. His rhythm was something completely different from Edward's, and he didn't smell at all like the bronze-haired man in my fantasy. It was the only time that I faked an orgasm with Jacob so that I could get things over with faster. Not that I was going to tell Edward that little detail.
“Hey, Bella?”
“Yeah?” I asked, trying to pull my mind away from sexy time thoughts of Edward. It had been too long.
“Remember the time with the beer? And the ice?”
Fuck me sideways, upside down and against a wall, how could I forget that?
I closed my eyes and clutched my bedspread, squeezing my inner muscles as my mind and poor, unused cooter simultaneously connected with that memory. Images of Edward licking cold beer out of my bellybutton flashed against my eyelids, quickly followed with lingering sensations of his tongue all over my body.
“Yeah,” I replied in a breathy utterance. His hum in response told me he had a pretty good idea what I was feeling because of that particular memory.
He hummed again before torturing me with his words once more. “That was one of my favorite nights. I wanted to pour that beer between your legs so fucking bad and just lick and suck you all night long.”
I didn't respond, but he probably heard my helpless whimper in response to his delicious dirty talk.
“But then I got distracted with the ice, and well...I'm sure you remember, don't you?”
“Oh yeah,” I mumbled, thinking of the way I'd twisted myself around his body in some crazy, acrobatic position as he drove into me while drops of icy water dripped over my...oh dear god. I needed to stop this immediately.
Clearing my throat, I tried to snap him out of the sex fog.
“What are you wearing tonight, Bella?”
“Oh no, we're not playing this game,” I snapped, trying to be firm. “I will not have phone sex with you.”
“Are you sure about that?”
Needing to cut this off before things went way too far, I quickly told him I had to go and hung up the phone. I hated ending our conversation that way, but I would give into him if I stayed on the line.
As it was, my hand ended up down my pants within minutes anyway.
Damn him.
….................
As fall set in, the weeks seemed to fly. Things did not slow down at the club at all, so I was just as busy as always. Apparently, this was a year-round occurrence. I guess that's life in Los Angeles. There was still a lot for me to get used to, but it was coming along little by little.
Even though the majority of my time was spent at the club, I managed to enjoy the city a little more than I had in my first month. I was feeling very acquainted with the area, and I was beginning to make friends. I had a great working relationship with most of the bartenders, which really helped on busy nights. Once I began relating my bartending experiences with theirs, we were good. Bartending can be extremely demanding, especially in a fast paced club like Rendezvous. It's easy to feel like you're being attacked or under appreciated by cocktail waitresses, especially the ones who catered to the V.I.P. guests. I assured them all that I was on their side and helped coordinate an arrangement so that one specific person could tend to V.I.P. orders while the others served the rest of the crowd.
No matter how much time passed, it still felt a bit surreal. I had met so many famous people, and relaying those stories to Rosalie was one of my favorite pastimes. Edward even got to hear some of my gossip from time to time. For the most part, people were friendly and nice to me and toward most of the crowd. They just wanted to come out and have a good time with their friends, get a little – or a lot – tipsy, and garner a bit of attention along the way. While some could be serious twatwaffles, it was generally pretty entertaining. On numerous occasions, I was tipped with free tickets to professional sporting events. I even got to attend a movie premiere once. It was pretty crazy that this was my life and even crazier that Emmett had been doing this for several years. He was actually friends with numerous famous people.
One of my favorite people at the club was Maggie. We clicked almost immediately after meeting and since then had spent a pretty decent amount of time together. I was inclined to believe that she was a pretty cool chick between the unique career and all the tattoos, and the more I got to know her, the more I liked her.
She had grown up in Ireland until she was twelve years old, then her family moved to Africa as missionaries, spending the majority of their years in South Africa. She attended special schools for missionary's children, which meant that her school friends came from all over the world. She said that there was so much diversity that no one could ever really be singled out as the minority in their classes. Their community was so tight-knit that she still talks to many of those people.
Music was a huge part of their schooling, and through her international classmates, she discovered world music in a variety of forms. It intrigued her to the point of experimentation with different sounds and genres. A computer program allowed her to play around, but it wasn't until she entered college that she truly became a DJ.
After a year of university back in Ireland, Maggie decided to transfer to the U.S. to complete her schooling. She attended NYU for International Business and Spanish, of all things, and lived the New York lifestyle for a year after graduating. By that time, she was DJing regularly at a small club. When her college friend Alice wanted to make the big move from New York to L.A., Maggie went along for the ride.
Yes, that's right. Maggie and Alice are close friends.
Apparently, Alice began pursuing her music career while Maggie landed the job at Rendezvous several months after they had come to the West Coast. Long story short, Maggie got Alice the bartending position to help pay the bills between performing at little bars and clubs.
It was during that time her friend Alice was signed by a small record label affiliated with one of the larger companies. That was when she went from Alice to Ali, as the executives thought Ali would be a catchier, more fun name for a female acoustic singer-songwriter. Alice agreed for a while, even going so far as to use the name in all other aspects of her life to help her get used to it. A few months ago, Alice was able to break her contract with the label and sign with a company who didn't want to change her image, style or music to turn her into another pop singer. Now I understood why she had been so oddly pissed off about me calling her Ali.
Knowing that Maggie and Alice were such good friends was a little weird at first. I wasn't sure when it was okay to hang out and when I should avoid Alice to stay on the safe side. Thankfully, Maggie made a great mediator, and she truly wanted us all to be friends eventually, if that were possible. I didn't think it was, given the verbal assault and the lack of trust Alice had for me, but at least there was someone else in the middle, besides Jasper, who could reason with her when necessary. I didn't dislike Alice, but I didn't really have a reason to like her either. For Jasper's sake, I did want to.
An opportunity came that month when Alice was performing on a Sunday night. With the club closed, it was the first time since I had moved that we could all go together. Emmett, Jasper, Maggie and I were all there, along with a number of the security guys and bartenders from Rendezvous.
To say I was impressed with Alice's performance is a pretty big understatement. Her voice was smooth and sweet, but definitely not suited for manufactured pop music. I could not imagine who would come up with such a ridiculous idea. Her songs had a folk edge about them, but not to the point they would alienate listeners who were not really “into” that particular genre. I found myself lost in her lyrics, the soft addition of her guitar and a few other acoustic instruments created a gentle atmosphere.
We were all enamored and impressed, and after her set, Alice came to join all of us around the table we had procured. She was not the usual high-strung woman I had been around thus far. This Alice was more soft spoken, had a better overall attitude, and she wasn't a total bitch all night. It was refreshing to see her in her element.
We all hung out until the bar closed and then headed back to our respective homes for some much needed sleep. Before leaving, I bought one of Alice's CDs as a sort of peace offering. She actually smiled at me when I tucked it into my purse and thanked her.
…....................
Rosalie and I still talked on the phone every single day, sometimes several times. It wasn't getting any easier to be away from her, but I held out hope that she would eventually change her mind about joining me here. She was going through a slump and had been mentioning that she wanted to start taking more than one or two classes a semester. Money was still tight for her, but if she could secure a loan, she would be able to transfer out of community college and go full-time at one of the universities in the city. In the meantime, she was working her butt off to save every penny possible as she focused on a final decision for her major.
It was hard to hear about her struggles and stress without being there to hug and reassure her. I worried about her. From the sound of things, Felix wasn't providing the kind of support she needed, though she never really wanted to talk about that. She may not have specifically told me that they were having problems, but she didn't need to. The bickering about little things he had done or said were all the clues I required to put it together. My continued friendship with Garrett also gave me an extra set of eyes there.
As for Garrett, he seemed to be quite happy with his Kate and her kids. He sounded like such a different person than the one I left back in May. His personality was still there, but he was, dare I say, a bit more tame and mature. It was equal parts amusing and heartwarming that the right woman could do that for him. He had absolutely no doubts about dating a divorced woman with children, and while he didn't try to come in and be their “new daddy,” he made it a point to spend quality time with them. He loved them because he obviously loved Kate, even at this early stage of their relationship. I was so proud.
I was in my office at Rendezvous one Thursday afternoon when my cell phone rang and I saw Rosalie's name on the screen.
“Hey babygirl, what's up?” I asked cheerfully, setting down my pen and abandoning my work temporarily.
“Drama. Ridiculous, stupid, annoying drama caused by the world's biggest asshole.”
“Oh no, what happened?”
“I dumped his dumb ass, that's what happened,” she said bitterly.
I asked her to explain, and after going off on a few tangents, she finally got to the point.
“He's been an incorrigible dicktard lately, and I finally had enough. He asked me to move in with him last month, but I wasn't sure. We haven't exactly been on the best terms lately, you know?”
“Wait,” I said. “Move in with him? Why didn't you tell me about this?”
“I don't know, Bella. I thought I did, but that's not the point.” I sighed at her rapid words and shook my head as she continued the story. “So anyway, we fight about the stupidest shit, and he wants me to move in? For what? Better access to the bickering? Fuck no. I need my space and time away from him.”
“That sounds like it was a pretty good warning,” I interjected. She agreed.
“For real. When I put it off and wouldn't commit to the move, he started being especially shitty to me. Like, we'd go out with the guys, and if I'd go to the bar to get a drink, he'd start flirting with some other chick.”
I gasped. “Get the fuck out! Did you beat any bitch ass?”
“No,” she said with a loud sigh. “It was tempting, but I knew all of those girls, while total whores, didn't know what they were dealing with. It was all on him, so he got the brunt of my anger.”
“Good girl, honey. I wish you would have told me about this before,” I added.
“Yeah, I know, but I feel like all I've been doing lately is bitching and whining to you. I didn't want to add anymore to that when you have so much going on in your own life.”
“Rose, that's what I'm here for,” I insisted. “Best friend. Whining, pissing and moaning, and ranting are all a part of the contract. Right under the clause about helping each other avoid ugly guys when we're drunk,” I joked. Thankfully, it was enough to elicit a small laugh.
“For what it's worth, I appreciate that, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you,” she said before pausing for a moment. “I guess that's what brings us to the present. It just got to be too much – the flirting, the attitude, the fighting. He wigged out about me staying the night at my parents' house last night, and when I went over there this morning he was being all sarcastic and cunty with me. Saying shit about why I would want to be there in the morning if I wouldn't sleep over. It was the dumbest shit ever.”
I mumbled a few words of encouragement for her to go on between parts of the story, but for the most part I stayed silent and listened.
“We ended up fighting for, like, two hours straight. I can't even remember half the shit we said, but there was a lot of screaming, a few things thrown, then the stupid shit where he got mopey and tried to take it all back, which of course, I am far too intelligent to do. Once an asshole, always an asshole.”
When I was sure she had finished, I spoke. “You're obviously pretty worked up still, but how are you really doing, sweetpea?”
“I'm all right, I guess. Better than I could be, you know? It was my choice, so I'm dealing pretty well. Part of me feels like it was such a waste. All that drama we went through, and in the end, we didn't even last.”
“Oh honey, you guys were really happy for a long time. You can't think that way because the past is the past.”
Just then, Emmett peeked into my office to remind me of our meeting with the staff about some changes in our security procedures. I offered an apologetic goodbye to Rosalie, promising to call her back the next day so we could talk about her breakup a little more.
As I went through the rest of my day and night at the club, her words resonated in my mind.
“All that drama we went through, and in the end, we didn't even last.”
Even though I had encouraged her, the sentiment struck a familiar chord. Things with Edward were a clusterfuck of complications and uncertainty. We weren't actively trying to be together in any real sense of the word, but we maintained some level of a relationship while striving to be open and honest with one another. Neither of us was dating anyone else, and at this point, I had very little interest in doing so.
I had no idea what we were or where we were headed, but I wanted to continue down our current path. In all likelihood, we would never progress past this point. At least, that's what logic told me.
I liked it here, and I was really enjoying my career for the first time in...ever. I had never wanted to stay in the Seattle area all my life, so I wasn't planning to go back there anytime soon. Not only was Edward still in the process of ending his marriage and starting fresh, he was devoted to his son and wanted to stay near him. There had been times that Edward would show me his vulnerable side and admit how much he hated how this was going to affect Finn when their household split. It was the reason why he and Carissa agreed to buy homes in the same neighborhood, and as much as that idea weirded me out at times, I had no right to object. He had told me that he wanted to be with me, but when this planning came about, he never mentioned any intention to come here. There was so much shit happening in his life that I couldn't find it in myself to fault him for that.
Still, it left us in an indecisive, difficult position.
I couldn't commit myself to Edward, but I didn't want to be with anyone else.
I didn't want to return to Washington, and he couldn't leave.
Our lives and lifestyles were so different. Too different?
There was still so much we didn't know about one another or that we hadn't approached yet.
I contemplated many futures for both of us, but my mind could never settle on one. I was too afraid to consider a life without him and was equally frightened of how we would ever work things out in order to be together. I couldn't wrap my brain around it. The worst was the possibility that, after everything, his future might be with someone else. That made me physically ill every time I thought about it.
…....................
The weekend went by quickly, as they have a tendency to in this business. By the time I was rested and relaxing, I was ready for my usual Sunday evening phone call with Edward. We fit small conversations and text messages in throughout the week when we could, but my Sundays and Mondays off were really our only time for any meaningful time to talk.
I settled on the patio this particular night, watching the sky fade from bright blue to the vibrant hues of sunset. We spent the first twenty minutes discussing our week, respectively. When we felt caught up, Edward approached a new topic.
“I want to tell you about Carissa,” he began. I inwardly cringed, but understood that this was necessary. “When we were kids. How we met and that kind of thing. Would that be all right?”
Touched that he cared enough to seek my permission first, I gave him my approval, and so the story of Edward and Carissa Cullen began.
“You know that my parents divorced when I was a kid, and my dad ended up living in a different school district than my mom. I spent some weekends with him during the school year, and then I stayed with him for pretty much the whole summer.
“Carissa and her little brother lived in the neighborhood, and being the only kids right there, we all played together.”
“How old were you when you met?” I asked for clarification.
“Carissa and I were both in seventh grade, and Vince was a few years younger than us. We went to the community pool, hung out at each other's houses, and did whatever else we could think of to occupy our time. The three of us became pretty good friends.
“When fall came, I was back to my mom's house and my school. I would still see them on the weekends I spent with my dad, so we maintained those friendships.”
I thought about Edward as a kid and just how long he had known his wife. I knew a few people who had married their high school sweethearts, and it made me wonder when Edward had started dating her. I wanted to ask, but I knew he needed to tell this story in his own way. The thought of a relationship with those kinds of roots breaking up was a bit intimidating anyway.
“Over the years we got closer. Even as our social circles grew and developed during high school, we still hung out quite a bit. That was about the same time the internet blew up, so we would talk on instant messenger a lot, too.
“We were just...us. It didn't matter that I was a boy and she was a girl. We were best friends. We had known each other for so long, and all that time together meant we understood one another. If we hadn't gotten along the way we did, I'm sure we wouldn't have been close like we were. She was always there for me when I needed a friend, and I tried to do the same for her.”
He paused, and I could hear his breath through the phone. It was my only sign that the line had not gone dead. Concerned that something was wrong, I broke the silence.
“Edward? Is everything all right?” I asked. “You don't have to tell me this stuff if you don't want to.”
“No, baby, I do. I need you to hear this because there is so much I have to tell you, and it's important for you to understand all these details first.”
“Okay. You just tell me what you're comfortable with.”
“I know. I will,” he promised. “It's hard not to reminisce. Even though this is the best thing for Carissa and me now, she's been my friend for so long. I hope that doesn't make you uncomfortable or anything. I don't know what's going to happen from here, but she will always be in my life because of Finn. It's important to me that you see she's not a bad person.”
This all felt a bit awkward with the undefined relationship Edward and I had, but it was crucial for me to be sympathetic to Edward's needs right now. If he needed me to hear and know his past, I would endure it, awkward weirdness and all.
“Keep going, Edward. I'm listening,” I said, supportive of the conversation.
“I had some shitty stuff happen to me in high school, Bella. Really shitty. I promise that I will tell you all about it someday, but I can't do it yet,” he said, and I didn't pressure him, despite my curiosity. “What happened, it was really bad. I basically lost most of my friends or pushed them away because they had no idea what I was going through. It was like I had this flashing neon sign over my head, and no one could treat me the way they had before.”
My mind ran through any situation or scenario I could come up with, but nothing felt right. These ranged from high school rumors to getting arrested and from hurting someone in a car accident to hanging out with the wrong crowd.
“But Carissa was different,” he insisted. “She knew everything – more details than any one of the kids I went to school with – and she still stuck by me. She was encouraging, faithful, a great listener, and an insightful advice giver. I'm really not sure how I would have made it through that time without her in my life.
“She stuck by my side when everyone else was either afraid to or didn't know how. It made us even closer than we had ever been, but at the same time, I was still so reclusive and damaged.”
I was glad that he was sharing with me, and I'm sure these details were very important, but I was confused. His words and sentiments were becoming cryptic, causing a sinking feeling in my gut. I could not for the life of me figure out what he was hiding or why he was holding off on telling me or why. The thought of Edward’s self-loathing from whatever was in his past gave me a sickening feeling of dread. I wanted to respect him for sharing something that was obviously difficult for him to say aloud. Whatever his reasons, I had to trust him and believe that I would someday be able to put the pieces together and understand him. I fought back the desire to beg him to spill it already.
As if hearing my thoughts, he answered one of my silent questions. “I know this probably all sounds completely confusing, but it will make sense eventually. Can you wait it out with me, love? I promise I will tell you when the time is right.”
I agreed, and he segued into humorous accounts of the time he had spent with Carissa and her brother Vince when they were younger. I laughed at his stories, temporarily forgetting who they were about and relishing his joyful memories of easier, less complicated times with him. He insisted that I share some of my childhood stories, and I had plenty of my own from my time with Emmett when we were kids and during the summers I would spend here in L.A. with him, Uncle Carlisle, and the wife of choice at that given time. Our childhood memories were so different, but they shared the common thread of youthful innocence and experiences we looked back on fondly.
It turned out to be a lot of fun swapping stories. I will admit that it felt incredible to laugh that much with him, even if it had been prefaced with a little awkward insight into his relationship with Carissa.
The sky was dark by the time our call drew to its completion for the night. As always, I still had so many questions, but I didn't push. We both enjoyed the light tone we shared. As we said our goodbyes, Edward departed the same way he had made a habit of doing.
“I love you, Bella. I'll talk to you soon.”
When the call had ended, I closed my eyes and leaned back in my chair. With a deep breath in and out, I whispered my words to no one at all.
“Me too.”
I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon
But I need you to know that I care
And I miss you
Whether far or soon
But I need you to know that I care
And I miss you
Incubus
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