Chapter 18
Song: Music Box Superhero by The Juliana Theory
The past few weeks have been some of the greatest fuckery I’ve experienced in my entire twenty-five years.
After breaking up with James, I just wanted to live. I wanted to spend time with my friends, enjoy the attention of the opposite sex, and have fun. In the beginning, it was so easy. I hung out with Jacob, and when the mood moved me, I enjoyed the company of other guys. Another relationship was the last thing on my mind.
Enter one Edward Cullen and things certainly took a turn. Our relationship of sorts was a dangerous roller coaster ride. We were both intelligent adults, yet neither of us could escape the force that kept drawing us back. Morally and socially, what we had was just plain wrong, but when we were together, it was right. How could we deny something like that?
It was complicated…though that is quite the loaded term.
I truly cared for both men and could not deny that I wanted both in my life. Jacob was kindness, support, smiles, and freedom. Edward, however, was quite different. He was danger, thrill, passion, and wanton desire. Where Jacob was my calm, Edward was most certainly the storm.
Like a selfish fool, I wanted both, even though neither belonged to me.
Add Garrett into the mix, and things got even more complicated. His place was much smaller, but it did call for more secrets. Had it not been for the affectionate friendship we shared, I’m not sure I could have handled juggling three men.
The sad truth was that it was bound to fall apart eventually. The chain of events that led there felt more like a soap opera than something that could happen in real life. In my life.
Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.
The night Edward and I saw James in that bar, something shifted. The fire and fury enraptured both of us, but it also softened. It was followed quickly by Edward’s sleepover at my apartment and all the subsequent bonding we did that night and morning. I always knew I liked Edward for more than the sex; I never expected to feel so disappointed that I couldn’t have more with him.
In some terrible sputtering of word vomit, I had invited Jacob to meet my parents the next day. I had no idea where the invitation came from, especially because I did not intend to make things more serious with him. Of course my parents loved him, and I was an emo little bitch for the rest of the week.
Then came the weekend, and with it my night with Jacob, Rosalie, and Felix. Only a day after deciding to slow things down with all the guys in my life, Jake announces he wants me for more than casual sex. Being forced to feel so much in such a short span of time was torturous.
Yet the decision came to me quickly. If Jake wanted me to be his girlfriend, I would do it. It was my easy out from fucking around with Garrett, and my escape from an adulterous relationship with Edward. That all sounded very simple, but it was not.
Sunday Jacob asked me to make our relationship exclusive.
Monday I ended things with Garrett.
Tuesday I broke everything off with Edward in a teary, exhausting soulfuck.
Wednesday – today – I’m going to see Jacob.
Complicated and overwhelming don’t even begin to describe it all.
. . . . . . . . . .
Rosalie had taken the liberty of texting Jacob from my phone late Tuesday night and making plans for us to meet up after work the next day. Of course, she didn’t tell him it was her, but I supervised the entire time. I just wasn’t in a good place emotionally to do so myself. That’s what friends are for, right?
Jake was picking me up for dinner, so after work I rushed home and prepared for our date. Our first real date. As I got ready, I thought about the remainder of my Tuesday night after I left Edward.
I pulled up in front of the Hale’s house and saw Rosalie sitting on the porch. As soon as I put the car in park she was running over to my door.
“Come on, baby girl. Let’s get you inside and you can tell me all about it.” Her voice held a soothing, motherly tone. She wrapped her arm around my waist to guide me inside and used her other hand to smooth down my disheveled hair.
I unceremoniously plopped down on her bed and buried my face in Harley’s furry neck.
“Talk to me, sweetie,” my best friend said. I knew she wanted to help me, but I wasn’t sure where to begin. I started somewhere in the middle, knowing I had to get it all out before I could recall the course of events in any sequential order.
“He could tell something was wrong, but I didn’t know how to tell him. Then he asked me if this was goodbye and I just lost it, Rose.” I paused for a moment to avoid going to pieces for another time that day, and Rosalie sat silently holding my hand.
“Then we just said so much stuff to each other. I can’t even make enough sense of it all right now to tell you, but it was big. He said that he wished he had met me first instead of his wife, but that he couldn’t lose his son. I completely understand that part, but hearing him say that other stuff was sweet torture. I just don’t know if I’d be better off never knowing he felt that way.”
“Oh honey!” Rose said sympathetically when I paused. She wrapped her arms around my shoulders and I leaned into her embrace. “What else did he say?”
“Well,” I continued, “he was surprisingly okay with everything. I could tell he didn’t like it, but he understood why. He asked me if Jacob was good to me and said he just wanted me to be happy. Dammit, it was so hard!”
Feeling my best friend rub my back and play with my hair really did help calm me down. It didn’t make the situation with Edward any easier, but being held by someone who loved me unconditionally was very comforting.
“Break ups are never easy, no matter what the circumstances,” she said.
“You can say that again,” I mumbled with a sarcastic edge. I took a deep breath and continued. “So we talked about things for a while and then we just kissed and cuddled. I don’t know which part was worse. All I could think about was how it was probably the last time I’d ever get to be like that with him.”
Rosalie straightened us up and studied me carefully. “But this is for the best, right? You’ll have Jacob now and you guys can be together without having to sneak around or get all angsty.”
“I know that,” I conceded. “But that doesn’t make my feelings for Edward just go away,” I said seriously.
“You’re right. I’m sorry, Bella. I know you care about Edward.”
I laid my hand on her knee and gave it a couple pats. “It’s okay. I understand why you feel the way you do.”
I gave her a small smile and she returned it to me. We were back on the same page.
“So was that it?” she implored. I could tell she was fishing for any saucy details I might be leaving out.
I could feel heat rise in my cheeks and I knew she saw me blushing. Her perfectly manicured eyebrows lifted to silently ask me for details.
“Well, he had me meet him at these hiking trails and we went to this meadow to talk. When we were walking back down the trail to our cars things were really intense. We started kissing and the next thing I knew we were tearing at each other’s clothes. The thing was, neither of us anticipated anything happening so we weren’t, umm…prepared.” I mumbled the last part of that statement and looked down at the bed.
“Bella!” Rosalie cried, slapping my shoulder. I looked back up at her with wide eyes. “You didn’t!”
I rubbed my forehead with one hand and looked at her with a half cringe, half smirk. “I couldn’t help it!” I defended. “It was so crazy and intense and fast. I just needed him one last time.”
“Oh my gosh, Bella. Do you know-“
“Stop, Rose,” I said firmly, holding my hands up in defense as I cut her off before the lecture began. “I just got tested a couple weeks ago, and it’s not like I’ve ever done that before. Ever.”
“Really?” she asked in disbelief.
I nodded in affirmation. “You know I’m strict about my birth control, and anyway, I didn’t let him…you know.”
“I can’t believe you never told me that before,” she said quietly. I don’t know why I never told her that little fact, but it wasn’t as if I tried to hide it from her. “You made him pull out?” she deadpanned.
“Not exactly.” I could feel my cheeks flame again. “I…finished him off.”
“Wow…you broke your two biggest rules.”
“I know.”
“But why?”
“Do I really need to make it any clearer, Rose? I have these intense feelings for him, and I guess everything just came to a head with ending it all. It was like this grand farewell or something. I didn’t plan it. It all just happened so fast.”
“I’m sorry I freaked,” she said softly. “This is so different from what I went through with Felix. I can’t imagine what it’s doing to you on the inside.”
“Thanks, babe. It’s good to be able to talk about it with someone,” I said.
A mischievous grin replaced Rose’s sullen expression. “So…how was it?”
I giggled and nudged her with my foot. “It was definitely different. Better in a way, and I’m not gonna lie – it felt amazing to go down on him after all this time.”
With that, our conversation lightened and I was able to tell Rosalie more about my evening with Edward without getting too emotional. She helped me work through my feelings for Jacob as well, and volunteered to handle making plans with him.
I don’t see how I could have stayed sane through all of it without a nonjudgmental and understanding best friend like Rosalie.
A knock at the door alerted me of Jacob’s arrival. It was time to un-complicate my life.
“Coming!” I called loudly as I stopped in front of the full-length mirror to check my appearance once last time.
I had stepped up my normally casual attire for our date, and I was excited to see Jacob’s reaction. I wore a knee length denim skirt with an ivory cashmere cardigan. My hair was curled, but slightly finger combed through to add body. Only a shimmer of eye shadow and mascara covered my eyes. I felt good, and my self-appraisal gave me a boost of confidence for my evening. I pushed aside the clusterfuck of feelings and thoughts that didn’t have to do with Jacob as I put my hand on the doorknob.
“Hey beautiful,” he said shyly when I pulled the door open to greet him. He extended a small bouquet of purple and blue flowers to me.
“Aww, Jake!” I said as I took the flowers from him. I smelled them quickly before throwing my arms over his shoulders and hugging him. I felt his nervous tension disappear, and he lifted me off the floor in our embrace.
“I’ve missed you,” he said happily. It was impossible to ignore the way he was beaming at my warm reception of his gift.
“Let me put these in water and then we can go,” I said, heading for the kitchen. I heard his footsteps behind me as he spoke again.
“You really do look great, Bells.”
“Thanks,” I smiled up at him. I took his hand in mine and led us out of my apartment to his truck.
He took me to one of my favorite restaurants, and up until we were waiting for dinner, our conversation had been light and friendly. I had been avoiding an awkward conversation about that day, but I knew it needed to be discussed. I adjusted the clothe napkin in my lap, took a sip of water, and finally looked up at him again.
“Jake, about the other day…”
“It’s fine, babe,” he interrupted with a half smile.
“No, it’s not,” I insisted. “The way I reacted was awful, and I am truly sorry for that.”
“You really don’t have to apologize for anything. I take just as much responsibility for it all. I didn’t exactly explain myself clearly, and looking back on it now I’m sure I sounded like a total douche.” I laughed at his self-deprecating rant, but he continued. “Bella, I hope you know I would never do something like that to you.”
“I know you wouldn’t,” I nodded. “It’s just…well, you know my last relationship ended really badly, and I’ve kind of been on the defensive since then.” I was surprised at how open I was being with him, but I wanted him to hear it. “All this time you have been so good to me. No matter what I needed or was willing to give, you were there. Thank you for that. And…I do want this. I want to try, okay?”
Words cannot properly describe the huge smile that spread across his face. He looked excited, proud, and adoring all at once.
“You’re sure?”
“Yes,” I smiled back, but I knew it was only a half-truth. I was sure that pursuing a relationship with Jacob was the best choice, but I couldn’t say I was actually sure about us. I had no reason not to be if you looked at things in black and white, but the truth in my life was made up of various shades of gray. Regardless, I would try. Jacob was a great guy who genuinely cared about me. I already knew that we got along great, had fun together, liked each other’s friends, and were sexually compatible. If all these major pieces fit into place already, the rest should be easy.
Our conversation returned to its casual ease, and we enjoyed a nice meal together. Afterward, we talked about going to Mickey’s for a drink, but decided to take a walk instead. It was a dry evening; the overcast sky kept the air warmer than usual. When we returned to my apartment, Jacob surprised me by stopping at my front door.
“Come on,” I said, tugging on his arm.
He shook his head and gave me a half smile. “Not tonight, Bella.”
A feeling of rejection swept over me and caused my stomach to drop nervously. I quickly turned and tried to get inside while uttering a single, “oh.”
“Stop that!” he insisted. I was caught off guard by his firm grasp on my wrist. When I looked back up at him, I was surprised to see his full smile. “Technically speaking, this was our first date, and I’m not the kind of guy who tries to sleep with his girlfriend on the first date.”
I burst into a fit of giggles and pressed my face into his firm chest. I could hardly believe how elated I was about his sentiment or his use of the G word. His hands came to either side of my face and angled it up enough for him to kiss me. It was so tender that I could actually feel how genuine it was. In a single kiss, he had shown me how serious he was about the new direction of our relationship. It was impossible to ignore how exciting that was, and I found myself unexpectedly eager to pursue this new relationship with Jacob.
“Okay, boyfriend,” I emphasized. “Another time then. Good night.”
As I stepped inside, I allowed a small pang of guilt to run through me. The sting of what I assumed was Jake’s rejection just a few moments prior gave way to a sense of relief. I had only said goodbye to Edward a day ago. I wasn’t ready to have Jacob back in my bed just yet.
. . . . . . . . . .
Much to my surprise and peace of mind, the next two months fell into an incredibly easy pattern where Jacob was concerned, but I understood that I was compartmentalizing my feelings.
I thought about Edward a lot at first. I knew that he wanted me to be with someone who could give me a real relationship, but that didn’t make it any easier. You can’t just turn off your feelings for someone because you want to, and in all actuality, what I felt for Edward hadn’t gone away at all. It stayed with me, in the deep recesses of my mind as a dull, throbbing ache.
Fortunately, I found my way through it. Jacob was incredibly attentive and sweet, and I really enjoyed being with him. Despite my conflicting feelings for Edward, I did like what I had with Jake and I wanted it. Rosalie’s enthusiasm kept me from doubting my decision. She loved that we were dating friends, and I liked it, too. Actually, all of the guys seemed to be very happy and supportive of us being boyfriend and girlfriend. I was even thrilled to use those words. It felt good to be someone’s first priority.
We spent the majority of our time with Felix and Rosalie, but we also ended up with Garrett and Chelsea many nights. Garrett and I remained good friends, taming down the sexual innuendo to almost nothing. There was still the occasional wink or slightly-too-long hug, but we had a mutual understanding of where things stood in our friendship. The way we transitioned from ‘fuck buddies’ to ‘just friends’ was eerily comfortable.
Being with Rosalie and Felix so often gave me a new insight into their relationship. I began to notice little arguments or disagreements they would have. Rose always blew me off when I asked about it, so I didn’t press the issue. She insisted that it was just little meaningless things, and wrote it off as them both having confrontational personalities. I worried despite her insistence, but she refused to discuss if further. She usually ended up distracting me with endless stories of their sexcapades instead. I knew Rosalie well enough accept her privacy when she desired it; growing up in a large family had never afforded her that luxury. If she needed to talk about it, she would come to me.
Things moved forward with Jacob in an easy, complacent pattern. I appreciated the way we kept a healthy balance and still spent some time apart during the week. We weren’t so dependent upon each other that we felt the need to spend every waking moment together like some couples often did. I think Jacob recognized my need to maintain some of my independence, and he didn’t give me a hard time about that. It didn’t escape my notice that he was willing to bend in almost any way possible to make me happy. When I wanted him, he was at my beck and call. When I needed space, he gave it freely.
In truth, I felt as though he was more emotionally invested in our relationship than I was. I liked Jacob a lot, I really did. There wasn’t much not to like about him, but I could see that his feelings were growing stronger. I was fairly certain he was falling in love with me, but I never drew attention to it. In my world, ignorance is bliss. I was not ready to deal with the implications of that word in our relationship. Love makes people vulnerable and easily manipulated. It complicates things and it creates the potential for monumental hurt. I was not interested in any of those things for Jacob or myself.
It gave sex an interesting dynamic, at least on my end. It wasn’t so much that the sex we were having really changed because it didn’t. Our sex life was as good as it had always been. We still had hot, fun, exciting sex in many forms. In fact, being exclusive gave us the time and opportunity to try many new things. The problem was the times that Jacob would get a little too complimentary while in the throes of passion. I am a self-proclaimed attention whore; I love to be told how beautiful and wonderful I am, but sometimes it was a little too intense.
One of those nights came on a Saturday after we’d been out at the club with the group. We were both tipsy, but not too drunk. We headed to his house instead of going to Felix’s when everyone left the club. All the dancing had us both worked up, and we were grateful to find his roommate was gone for the night.
I was thoroughly enjoying a little reverse cowgirl action when he urged me to turn around and face him. Upon doing so, he sat up so that I was perched in his lap, chest to chest. As we rocked together in that intimate and orgasm-inducing position, he began whispering and moaning more than usual.
“Damn babe you are so hot…so fucking beautiful.”
I like that.
“I love being inside of you. You feel…so…good…so perfect.”
Flattering…
“I love you body.”
Why thank you.
“I love your skin.”
Nice.
“I love the way you smell…and the way you taste.”
You sure are using that word a lot, buddy.
“So…fucking…gorgeous! Beautiful…love…fucking you.”
Shut up, shut up, shut up. Please just stop talking!
Thankfully I was saved by a fantastic orgasm, which cut off all his words with my own screams.
He released me a few minutes later after his body stiffened and calmed, and I made a quick escape to the bathroom. I decided that being in the club earlier was a good enough excuse to get in the shower, and I took my sweet time. By the time I finished and returned to the bedroom, he was asleep. I felt slightly ashamed of avoiding any potential after sex confessions, but I wasn’t ready to hear that kind of thing.
In the month that followed, I tried to encourage doing things that were less conducive to romance. I convinced him to show me how all the stone cutting machinery worked at his business, and I put on sports anytime we watched television. Since spring was upon us and bike nights would be coming soon, I talked him into teaching me about all things motorcycle related. After a couple weeks, I managed to persuade him to start teaching me how to drive one myself. I had some issues with balancing a heavy bike on my own, but I was getting the hang of it. I didn’t need to be an expert because I could never afford my own bike, but it was fun to learn. The sense of accomplishment was amazing.
I couldn’t keep Jacob from getting lovey and romantic all the time, but I was trying. I hated living in fear of three little words, yet I couldn’t shake the disorienting anxiety they gave me. If my relationship with Jacob were to continue, that would be the natural progression of things. I liked him. I liked him a lot. I just couldn’t see myself in love with him. It was completely irrational because what we had was the closest thing to perfect I could imagine…but something was missing.
The last thing I could allow myself to do was explore that too much. Call it self-preservation, call it deflecting. On paper he was perfect: sweet, kind, financially secure, mature, and a fantastic lay. Yet deep down, my heart and my mind both understood that while Jacob was good for me, he wasn’t ‘the one.’
I questioned myself constantly, trying every possible angle to talk myself into loving this man. Unfortunately, there’s no way to force that kind of thing. Instead, I lived each day trying to enjoy the happiness he brought into my life…and waiting for the proverbial ball to drop.
So much had changed in three months, yet I was still the most selfish person I knew.
You'd like to think I have it easy
At times I think your right but then
I take a look around and see the grass is always greener
On the other side
The Juliana Theory
At times I think your right but then
I take a look around and see the grass is always greener
On the other side
The Juliana Theory
Endnotes: The tangled web quote belongs to Sir Walter Scott.
There is an EPOV in the outtakes that falls between this chapter & the next. You do not have to read it, butu may understand Edward's mindset better if you do. You can find it by clicking the Master List link above.
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