Chapter 19
Songs: Dismantle.Repair by Anberlin & I Caught Myself by Paramore
I was ecstatic to get out of work earlier than I expected. It was only Tuesday, but it was one of those days that made you wish it were Friday already. I had a new child in my class, and let’s just say he didn’t have the best home life. If parents think that kids don’t know when they fight, they are dead wrong. All children under the age of five repeat everything. I spent my entire day trying to distract the rest of my students from hearing every four-letter word in the book that BJ, the new boy, was spouting off incessantly. Awesome day.
Once in my car, I grabbed my phone and dialed Jacob’s work number. He still had another hour before he closed the shop, but I wanted to let him know I was done for the day.
“Blackstone, this is Jacob speaking,” he said in a very professional manner. It made me melt just a little.
“Hey sweet thing,” I sang into the phone.
“Oh, hey Bells! What’s up? I thought you were working until five.”
“I was supposed to, but I got out early,” I said with exaggerated enthusiasm. I couldn’t help it. It just felt so good to be done with the day from hell!
He chuckled at me, and I could hear paper rustling in the background. “It sounds like you’ve had a great day.”
“Ugh, not at all, actually, but I’m done now, so I’m happy. Can we ride today? I could use a little stress relief to help me forget about this day.” I used my cutest whiny voice to convince him.
“Well, I actually have a little surprise for you if you’d like to meet me at my place later. Does six-thirty work for you? I have to go pick it up after I leave here.” A hint of excitement in his tone made me anxious to find out what he had planned.
“Sounds great! I can’t wait to find out what my surprise is!”
“I can’t wait to show you. I’ll see you then, all right?”
“Okay, bye babe!”
I hung up the phone and set it in the passenger seat as I contemplated what kind of surprise he could have for me. To be honest, surprises make me a little bit nervous. I think it has something to do with my control issues. If I don’t know what’s coming, I can’t prepare myself for an appropriate reaction. The necklace Jacob bought me for Christmas was definitely a surprise, and I always felt as though my reaction was less excited than he would have liked. It’s not that I didn’t love it, I just hadn’t guessed he would buy me something like that. Considering that he spent so much money on me before we were even dating, I had no clue what kind of surprise awaited me later this evening. I put it out of my head and decided not to over think things when I had no clue anyway.
When I got home, I changed out of my work clothes and put on an old pair of jeans with a black cotton shirt. Jacob didn’t rule out the possibility of practicing my riding tonight, so I wanted to dress accordingly just in case. If he planned for us to go out somewhere, he would have told me so that I could dress appropriately.
I grabbed my phone and lay down on my bed to call Rosalie and catch up with her. She had to work last night, so we hadn’t really talked much since Sunday. I was grateful that I caught her when she wasn’t busy, and we talked for almost an hour before I realized how much time had passed.
“Hey Rose, I hate to cut this short, but I need to get going. I’m supposed to be over at Jacob’s house in a little while,” I told her.
“Oh! Well have fun,” she said with a suspicious tone. “I’m sure you’ll have a great night!”
I wondered about that for a moment, but quickly disregarded any unspoken implication. I wanted to grab some dinner to take over to Jake’s house since he said he had to go pick something up before he got home. He probably wouldn’t have time to eat or get anything for himself. Deciding on subs from the pizza place near his house, I called in the order. After freshening up my make-up and pulling my hair into a ponytail, I headed out to get the food and take it over to Jake’s house.
By the time I got there, Jacob was already home, so I retrieved my take out bag and headed inside with it. He was very happy that I had brought dinner, and we sat down at the kitchen table to eat and talk about our day. I told him about the lovely vocabulary of my new student, and he described a new piece of machinery his company is considering purchasing. When we had finished and cleaned up, he took me by the hand and led me out to the detached garage.
“I thought you had a surprise for me. What are we doing in the garage?” I asked with honest curiosity.
“Your surprise is in the garage,” he smirked.
Now I was really excited…and nervous. What kind of surprise could he have for me out there?
He instructed me to close my eyes when we got to the door, and when he allowed me to open them, I was stunned to see an old, very beat up bike. It was smaller than Jake’s and it didn’t look as if it was in working condition, but it was a motorcycle all the same.
“What’s this?” I asked curiously.
“It’s your surprise!” he said enthusiastically. He took in my perplexed expression and pulled me closer to the bike. “Well, Felix bought a used bike to fix up for Rose. I figured that if she’s going to be riding on her own this summer when we do bike nights, you might like to have one as well. What do you think?”
“Oh my gosh, Jake! I love it, but you can’t do this! It’s way too expensive.”
“Bella,” he laughed darkly. “Are we looking at the same thing here? I didn’t pay a cent for this heap. It needs a lot of work, but all we have to pay for are parts. I actually have most of them already. This way I can teach you some stuff as we fix it up, and in the meantime, I’ll keep teaching you to ride on mine. What do you say?”
“I say it’s amazing! I still don’t like the idea of you spending money on me, even if it is just parts, but really I’m so frigging excited!” I turned and threw my arms around his neck, pulling him to me for a hard, appreciative kiss.
I was so caught up in my excitement that I decided to show him just how much I appreciated what he was doing for me. My hands moved to his belt buckled and once I had his pants pushed out of the way, I sat him in a nearby chair and gave him what I can only assume was the greatest thank you of his life.
“You are…mmm…how did I get so lucky?” he mused with a lazy smile as he pulled me to sit in his lap.
I shrugged and tried to act nonchalant. “Just saying thank you. This is so incredibly sweet of you.”
“Anything to see you smile, babe.”
“Thank you,” I repeated softly. I put my right hand on his cheek and leaned into him for a long kiss.
When our lips parted, he leaned away from me and became very serious.
“Bella,” he said. He was looking into my eyes with a piercing gaze, and the intensity of his night-dark eyes made my breath hitch. “I would do anything to make you happy. I love you, Bella.”
Suddenly, everything got fuzzy and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I gasped when I felt Jacob’s strong hands grip my shoulders and hold me steady. I must have swayed a bit in my near fainting, and before I could register what was happening, he had spun me around and sat me in the chair while he kneeled in front of me. His hands went to either side of my face, one lightly patting my cheek. I felt my head lull to the side slightly, and his grip on my cheeks strengthened to hold me in place.
“Bella! Are you okay? Shit! Don’t pass out, please!”
I began to come back to my senses and regain some control of my body, but that was exactly when the panic hit me. Jacob said that he loved me. This was awful! I should have been happy. I should have been ecstatic, thrilled and flattered. I should have been able to say it back.
I couldn’t say it back. I didn’t feel that way about him, and I didn’t want him to feel that way about me. This was the thing I had feared for over a month.
I had no idea how to proceed, and all I could think about was getting away. I couldn’t deal with Jacob. I couldn’t deal with his I love you or look him in the eyes and have him see that I didn’t share those feelings.
Keeping my eyes averted, I moved to stand, but he kept a firm grasp on my arms.
“Are you feeling all right? Let me get you inside so you can lie down.”
“I don’t want to lie down,” I said. I tried to walk away, but my knees were still weak and I almost tumbled to the floor. I would have if he hadn’t caught me.
Much to my dismay, he scooped me up and carried me out of the garage like a firefighter come to the rescue. He nudged the door to the house open and took me to his bedroom to deposit me on his bed. I didn’t want to be there, but he wasn’t giving me much of a choice. After retrieving a glass of water and placing it on the nightstand, he sat next to me and stroked my hair off my forehead.
“Are you okay? Can I get you anything? Maybe a cool washcloth? Or something sweet – maybe it’s your blood sugar.”
There was no way I could tell him the real reason for my freak out, and I’m sure he was a little too in denial to notice it himself. Honestly, who would admit to themselves that confessing their love would make the other person faint? It made me feel like an absolutely awful person. I wouldn’t look at him and I surely couldn’t talk to him. All I wanted to do was get away.
Like some sort of miracle, he gave me the perfect opportunity to pull a huge bitch move.
“I’m going to go back out and close up the garage. Stay here and relax for a few minutes. I’ll be right back.”
I nodded, but did not open my eyes. When I heard the back door close, I jumped from the bed, grabbed my purse off the kitchen counter and bolted for my car. I didn’t say goodbye or look in the rearview mirror to see if Jacob saw me go. I couldn’t stand to see the pain in his eyes if he did; I already felt guilty enough.
The first thing I did was turn off my cell phone. If he hadn’t realized it yet, Jake would soon see that I had taken off unannounced. He wouldn’t know why, and I’m certain he would call. There was no way I could talk to him or see him right now. I needed time to process everything, and I wasn’t sure if I could even be with him anymore. It’s incredibly shitty, but it was just so wrong to lead him on that way. I was almost certain I would have to break up with him now, but I needed time to think.
I couldn’t go home. Once he tried to call and found my phone to be off, he would probably drive to my apartment and try to find me. On top of that, I was in desperate need of a drink.
I drove aimlessly. I have no idea how long I was driving or where I was going, but I took a road out of town and kept going. At a stop light, my fingers traced to my neck, unclasping the necklace with the butterfly pendant and dropping it into my purse. I was unspeakably grateful to my body for not sending me into a ridiculous crying fit. I didn’t feel like crying, but I sure felt like vomiting. Or getting drunk. Or both. Both could happen tonight. Eventually, I found myself passing a humorously familiar bar, and made a U-turn to go back to it. Tiki Wiki, the bar where I met Edward. Not to mention it was Tuesday – karaoke night. Already in a dreadfully black mood, I pulled in and cut the engine of my car.
My faded old garage clothes were not something I would normally wear out in public, especially not to a bar, but I couldn’t find it in myself to care at the moment. I grabbed my wallet and proceeded inside where I unceremoniously plopped myself down on a barstool. The bartender came up to me almost immediately, and I ordered a shot and a beer without looking up at him. It was rude, but I would make up for my behavior with a good tip.
There I sat for who knows how long drinking beers and taking shots by myself while equally intoxicated bar patrons sang off-key versions of popular songs. I couldn’t help but reminisce about meeting Edward in this very bar and I was certain I was piss ass drunk when I heard a smooth, velvety voice behind me.
“Won’t the beautiful lady be performing tonight?”
“Great, now I’m hearing things,” I mumbled to myself.
“Excuse me?” the voice replied. It was just as sexy and charming as I remembered.
My memory must be in peak form tonight. I’m obviously not drunk enough.
Oh fuck me! Memories don’t respond to you!
“Fuck,” I mumbled even lower this time before picking up my head and turning around. Honestly, I was scared that either I was crazy and hallucinating, or that my entire world was about to crumble because Edward was in the same place that I was.
I don’t know what I expected, but when I turned around, I was greeted by the most gorgeous smile I had ever seen on the face of the angel I had missed so much.
“Fuck,” I said again, and I threw my arms around his shoulders, burying my face in the crook of his neck when he bent down to accept my embrace. His tight, lean arms wrapped around my waist and held me flush against his torso. “Where did you come from?”
His musical laughter filled my ears and drowned out the sound of the amateur performers across the room from us. “I was wondering the same thing about you, love.”
Stab my heart, he didn’t just say that.
He did.
Wait…WTF? He did!
Of course, as I always seemed to, I burst into tears on Edward’s shoulder. I didn’t cry when I freaked out about Jacob, but here I was crying about seeing Edward for the first time in three months.
I blame the alcohol.
No, I blame the fact that I care more about Edward than I ever did for Jacob. I’m an asshole.
“Bella, what on earth are you crying about?” he asked me in a disturbingly calm voice. “Hey, can I get a water over here?” he shouted to the bartender.
He carefully extracted me from his body and held my upper arms as he looked down on me. I sniffled and reached a hand up to wipe away my tears.
“Of course you look perfect and I look like complete shit,” I grumbled. That earned me a hearty chuckle from him.
“Are you drunk, love?” Yes, I did hear him use that term again.
It was all so surreal. This had been one of the craziest days of my life, and it just kept getting more out of control. I remembered Edward’s question and nodded sheepishly.
“I think so, maybe.”
“Maybe? Say the alphabet backwards.”
“Ummm…Z, Y, X, V, W, no! W, V, U, T, R, shit! S, R. Fuck this! I can’t say the alphabet backwards when I’m sober,” I grumbled at him, giving the best stink eye I could manage.
Once again, he laughed at me.
“Stop laughing at me, Edward.”
“I’m sorry,” he said, pulling a fist up in front of his mouth.
“You’re not.”
“No, I’m not. You’re quite endearing when you’re drunk.”
“Endearing, right. That’s me!” I spat sarcastically. “My day just keeps getting fucking better and better.”
All humor vanished from his expression and turned to one of genuine concern. His perfect eyebrows furrowed, and I pressed both of my thumbs between them to smooth out the offensive lines. I was a little surprised at how casually our interactions fell back into place, but I was too drunk to care.
“Exactly what are you doing there, my dear?” he asked with both confusion and amusement lacing his words.
“I’m trying to make the sad go away.”
“I’m far from sad right now, Bella. I am, however, a little concerned about you. Who did you come here with tonight? I think it’s about time you got home.”
I snorted at his assumption. “I didn’t come with anyone.”
“Fuck, how did you think you were going to get home?” he asked. I winced at the frustrated look he was giving me.
I merely shrugged and averted my eyes from his glare. I hadn’t actually thought that far.
“Please tell me what is going on with you. I know I haven’t seen you in months, but this isn’t like you. Give me something here,” he begged.
“Fine,” I huffed. “I had a…disagreement with my b…with…Jacob.” I couldn’t look him in the eyes, so I studied his shoes instead. They were black leather.
A hand reached to my chin and redirected my eyes to him. “Now I’m assuming Jacob is your boyfriend because you never told me his name before.” I nodded and he continued. “What happened? Did you get in a fight?”
“Not exactly,” I hedged. “But I’m not sure if he’s still my boyfriend anymore. Or if I want him to be. I don’t know what I want!” I knew I was drunk because that was more than I would have confessed to Edward had I been sober. I reined my thoughts in and didn’t say anything else.
“All right, you’re not giving me much to go by here, but I guess I’ll just have to accept that. I don’t know what happened to you tonight, but if he hurt you in any way, please tell me so that I can help you.”
“No, he didn’t hurt me,” I said quickly. I remembered all those months ago when Edward and I saw James in the bar. He had wanted to go after James and defend me. I didn’t want him getting any ideas about Jacob because I was the one who did something wrong, not Jake.
He sighed loudly and shook his head. Reaching around me, he took the glass of water off the bar and held it up to my mouth. “Drink,” he instructed.
Taking the straw between my lips, I silently sucked the cold water onto my tongue. I looked squarely into Edward’s eyes for the first time and found myself suddenly lost in the ocean of green-blue. He watched me just as intently, and I swear I saw him lick his lips.
“May I drive you home, Bella?” he asked softly. “There is no way I’m going to let you drive in this condition.”
“I can’t leave my car here,” I protested. “I have to work tomorrow.”
“Fine then, I’ll drive your car and take a taxi back here to get mine later.”
“No! That’s so expensive, you can’t do that!”
“What would you propose instead?”
“I don’t know,” I shrugged.
He half laughed and half sighed as he set the water glass back on the bar. “Come on. It’s not a big deal, and I can’t leave here without knowing you’ve gotten home safely.”
To my surprise, he wrapped an arm around my waist and guided me toward the exit. He held his hand out for my keys and deposited me in my own passenger seat before walking around the car to drive. We stayed quiet for the majority of the ride to my apartment, which actually felt pretty stupid considering that we hadn’t seen each other in so long, but I wasn’t sure what to say. The biggest detail that I found out was that Edward had been at his weekly poker night and he went to the bar on a whim afterward because he wasn’t in the mood to go home yet. He saw me almost as soon as he walked into the bar.
I was trying so hard to be casual with him and not get freaked out merely by being in his presence, but it was impossible. The way we left things all those months ago was meant to be closure, but it wasn’t. Everything I ever felt for Edward resurfaced the moment I heard his voice, and from the way he kept looking at me, I was sure it was the same for him. No matter what happened with Jacob, the thought of going back to the way things used to be with Edward was thrilling, tempting and frightening all at once. In the past three months, I had learned that I could live without him in my life, but it didn’t mean I liked it. I truly had fun with Jacob and I liked us as an exclusive couple – up until this evening that is – but the things I felt for Jacob and Edward were one hundred percent different. Comparing my feelings for those two men was not apples to oranges; it was more like comparing a cup of coffee to a tractor.
The last thing I wanted to do – especially now – was fall back into my relationship with Edward. At the same time, it was exactly what I wanted. I noticed the palpable chemistry that flowed between us once again. I was lost in his eyes every time he looked at me, and yes, I felt the insatiable need to touch and taste every inch of his body. It was an involuntary reaction, regardless of the time that passed or the circumstances of our lives. I still wanted Edward. Possibly more than ever, but I pushed those feelings aside as best as I could and tried to keep a clear head. It was easier said than done with the fucked up day I had and the alcohol coursing through my veins.
“Come in for a little while?” I asked when he pulled up in front of my place. I knew I was tempting fate, but I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to him all over again just yet.
“If you’d like,” he conceded with a nod. He came around to the passenger side and helped me out of the car. In a gesture that felt oddly familiar despite all the time that had passed, he took my hand and led me to the door. It was so comforting to have him there with me, and I willed myself to sober up so that I wouldn’t miss out on anything while he was actually in my apartment.
Once inside, I went directly to my bedroom and flopped down face first on my bed. I felt Edward sit beside me. He pulled on my hair elastic, freeing my hair from its ponytail. Lightly, his fingers danced through the long strands and brought me more comfort than I would have had without him.
A few minutes later, he propped himself up on a small stack of pillows and held his arms out for me to join him. I willingly curled up into his chest. He still smelled the same, and I greedily drank him in as he rubbed little circles on my back and hummed to me. It would end all too soon, so I soaked up the comfort and peace he brought to me while I could.
Finally, I began to speak to him. I didn’t give him details about what happened with Jacob. I simply told him that I was sure Jacob and I wanted different things and that I didn’t think the relationship was going to work. He was sympathetic and understanding and never once pried or asked for more than I was willing to give. Our conversation turned to inconsequential things about the past three months until we both fell silent in the dim light of my bedroom.
After a long stretch of silence, five little words changed everything.
“I’ve missed you so much,” he whispered into my hair.
A single whimper escaped my lips involuntarily as I twisted my head to look up at him. “I missed you, too,” I said honestly. He stroked my cheek gently, and without thinking, I sat myself up so that I was straddling his body and leaning over him.
“Bella…” he whispered. I could hear both concern and desire in his voice.
I leaned closer to him. “Shhh,” I breathed. I threw all other thoughts from my mind and descended upon the man beneath me. I leaned into him until our foreheads were pressed together. Our noses grazed one another, and our lips lingered a mere inch apart. His breath fanned across my face in jagged exhales and my mouth watered to taste his.
Edward’s chin tilted slightly until our lips just barely brushed against one another. Both of us had ours parted, allowing us to breath each other in and out. “Please,” he said in an almost inaudible whisper before his tongue lightly bumped against my lower lip. My entire body trembled as I leaned in a fraction of an inch more and darted my tongue out to touch his minimally. When he felt it, he closed the gap between our mouths and pulled me into a proper kiss. We simultaneously moaned, and I released all my control, allowing my entire body to collapse against his.
This, I thought.
He pulled my shirt off immediately without objection and made quick work of my bra as well. I yanked on his shirt, and he leaned up just enough to pull it up his back and over his head. I was flipped onto my back as he attacked my collarbone and chest, quickly working his way to my eager nipples. His path was a blur of constant movement; he didn’t pause in any one area for more than a few seconds. He moved down to my stomach, holding his hands on my bare sides and soaking my skin with his hot tongue. When he reached the waist of my jeans, he looked up to me for approval and I nodded.
Nothing mattered outside of being there with Edward. It may be fleeting, but I would take whatever I could get. All the pain and yearning I felt after saying goodbye to him three months ago manifested in a volatile balloon that suddenly burst above us. Something was unleashed, and this passion could not be tamed until we gave way to our need for one another.
My jeans and panties were off in seconds, and Edward pushed my legs apart forcefully to place a single kiss on my clit. I cried out loudly and he froze, looking up at me with fear in his eyes. I nodded to communicate that it was okay to proceed, but he continued to look into my eyes as if he were searching for something.
“I want you so fucking bad. Is this…is this all right?” he asked urgently.
“Yes…please,” I whimpered.
“Bella, why-“ he began to ask curiously, but I cut off his question.
I shook my head furiously. “Doesn’t matter. Please…please Edward.” I couldn’t talk about Jacob or the rules. He was so close, hovering above me and teasing. I wanted nothing more than for him to take me with his mouth.
He wasted no time as he ran his tongue from my opening up to my aching clit. He stayed there for a few moments flicking his tongue and making stiff circles against the bundle of nerves. I writhed beneath him, struggling to keep my legs apart and my hands from shoving him against me harder. I arched up to his mouth as he worked his way up and down my sensitive core, causing my arousal to increase and spill out into his mouth. He greedily drank me in, moaning against me and eliciting louder moans from my own mouth. Wound so tight I thought I would die without a release, I grabbed at his hand and pushed it between my legs. He took my prompt quickly, sliding two fingers inside me and pumping as his mouth gave unrelenting attention to my clit. Seconds later, I burst with a fierce climax, but his ministrations did not relent until my body was mostly still.
“Get up here,” I commanded, and he slid up my body and kissed me hard. “I need you…I need you…I need you,” I chanted to him. I wasn’t sure if it was a physical or emotional need requiring him, but he seemed to understand regardless. He kicked off his pants, and I reached into my bedside table for a condom. I accidentally bumped a framed photo of Jacob and me off the table and heard glass shatter, but I ignored the symbolism in it all.
“Are you sure?” he asked me seriously as his erection pressed into my thigh.
“Do you want me?” I questioned back. I needed to hear him say it and know that he wanted this as much as I did.
“Oh god yes, baby. I want you so bad.”
“Then do it. Take me…all of me.”
“Fuck…I’m not gonna last long.”
“Don’t care…need you,” I repeated my earlier sentiments.
“Yes,” he hissed as he slid easily inside me. I thought I heard a faint “mine” escape his lips as well, which set my heart to a racing speed.
He moved slowly at first, but as our pawing at each other became more frenzied and desperate, his pace increased along with the volume of our passionate cries. He hooked his elbow under one of my legs as I threw the other around his waist and clenched him tightly to me. This created a delicious angle and we both reacted to the change in sensation. His movements grew stiffer and harder, and I knew he was close. Through it all, he kept his eyes trained on mine and I knew he was watching exactly how I felt through my expression. His grip on my leg tightened to the point that it was almost painful, but I let him do it because it also felt so fucking good. He leaned down, pressing against my body until our foreheads were touching. It was our “thing,” and the familiar sentiment threw me over the edge. I cried his name, clutching desperately to his body and never wanting to let go. With a final hard thrust deep inside me, he froze in place and pulsed. A deep moan bubbled out from his chest and grew into a loud cry of pure ecstasy.
“Ahhh! Oh my god…fuck baby.” His eyes, which had been sealed shut in his release opened wide and he looked right into mine. “I…Bella…I love you.”
There was no hesitation or strain in his final words. They were solid, they were firm and I knew in my heart that they were true. I wanted to celebrate his confession, but instead I was completely gripped by fear.
I let my legs fall away from him, and my hands smacked onto the mattress beside my body. I became a dead fish beneath him, and panic filled his eyes when he saw my reaction.
“Oh shit…oh hell. Bella please look at me. I didn’t mean for it to come out that way, but it’s true, love. Fuck me, I do. I’m sorry if I freaked you out. Please say something.”
It had been years since I had a panic attack, but I hadn’t forgotten what they felt like. I sometimes had them in college when I took finals. This all-encompassing sensation was unmistakable. I was definitely having a panic attack.
I squeezed my eyes shut until I saw stars and shook my head furiously against the pillow. I was burning hot and freezing cold, rigid as death and gelatinous on the inside. It registered in the deepest recesses of my mind that Edward had removed himself from my body, but I didn’t actually feel it happen. He was still talking, but I couldn’t make out the words.
My heart was pounding so fucking hard and so fast I thought it would burst out of my chest. I felt like I was high, but not in the good way. My brain was swimming and confused, but I was hyper aware of the sound of my heart pounding and the blood sloshing through my veins.
I felt strings of words pour from my lips, but they were involuntary and confusing even to me.
“No, no, no, no, no, no…Fucking Twilight Zone day. Take it back. No, just fucking no…written on my forehead…Stop…Don’t mean it. No, no, no, no…this can’t be happening…”
I kept my eyes sealed shut until I felt my body being propped up and firm hands rubbing my shoulders.
“Bella!” a smooth but anxious voice called out to me. “Oh thank God! Are you all right?” he asked, looking directly into my eyes.
I had to blink a few times to readjust to the light, and then it all registered: Edward. I was still gasping for air, but seeing his face began to calm me. I focused on the concern in the depths of his eyes as he stroked my face and looked over my body as if inspecting it for damage. I concentrated on his eyes.
Green, green eyes. Things that are green. Apples, grass, trees, Jolly Ranches, my favorite pajama pants, kiwis, lettuce, tree tops, Packers uniforms, my first car, ferns, the house next door to my parents’ place, Edward’s eyes, Edward’s eyes, Edward’s beautiful green eyes.
I managed to calm myself down considerably well that way. Slowly, my heart rate returned to an easier pace, but I still felt shaky and sick. He rocked me and whispered things I couldn’t focus on while I concentrated on my breathing so that I could come back to him.
“Talk to me, baby. Please say something,” be begged. Even in my current state, I just wanted to take away all the sadness I saw on his face. He looked lost and desperate and I could not allow that to go on any longer.
“I’m…all right, I think,” I finally whispered. The words felt foreign on my tongue, as if I hadn’t spoken aloud in years.
“Dammit you scared me! Where did you go?”
I cringed, but didn’t offer him a direct response. “I’m sorry.”
“Fuck!” he growled, moving his hands from my face and into my hair. “This is my fault, isn’t it?”
He looked tortured and I hated knowing it was because of my moment of insanity. How could I possibly tell him the truth after he said that to me?
“I’d say I’m sorry, but I’m not. I shouldn’t have let it come out that way and maybe I should never have verbalized it at all, but I won’t be sorry for how I feel, Bella.”
I pleaded with my eyes for him to stop, but he went on anyway.
“I love you,” he said softly and moved closer to place a delicate kiss on my lips. As overwhelming as it all was, I couldn’t deny how his words made my heart swell with unhindered joy. I pushed back against his lips and held my position, still and silent. A small whimper echoed from my throat when we separated.
“You’re crying,” he observed.
I raised my fingers to acknowledge the tears running down from my eyes. I chuckled uncomfortably at the realization. He had seen me cry before, but I was embarrassed at the way my feelings were completely out of control right now.
“I understand if you can’t say it back, Bella. Hell, I understand why you reacted that way. We haven’t seen each other in fucking months and the first thing I do is maul you and tell you what’s been building up in me forever. Goddamn, I had no right to just come back into your life like this and take advantage of you when you’re obviously upset and have been drinking. Fucking selfish asshole prick-“
I couldn’t take anymore of his self-berating, so I silenced him by placing two fingers over his lips. He calmed down considerably and kissed my fingertips before taking my wrist to join our hands between us.
“I’m fine, okay? It’s just been a really overwhelming day,” I told him. “Can we just be for a little while? Can you stay for a bit or do you have to go?”
“I have some time,” he said. He pulled back the covers from my bed and laid down with his arms open to me. I slid down beside him so that we were face to face with our arms and legs tangled together intimately.
“You could never take advantage of me,” I whispered, and he nodded in response. “I feel it, too,” I added, but I couldn’t say the words.
There were a million things I wanted to say, but I wouldn’t allow it. Nothing I could say would simplify things or make them easier. On the contrary, if I told Edward all the things I was thinking and feeling it would only make our situation more complicated and painful for both of us. If I opened those floodgates, I risked inevitable word vomit, and I would quite possibly end up on my knees begging him to fuck his life and be with me. I couldn’t do that, though. It wasn’t my place. It wasn’t right. Then again, neither was what we had just done.
I had never allowed myself to think in terms of love with Edward, but if I was being honest with myself that would be an appropriate summation of my feelings. Even with months and extenuating circumstances between us, I was certain that my feelings for Edward were stronger than my feelings for Jacob could ever be. Granted they were two very different men and two very different relationships, but that was the truth.
But what now would I do with this newly acknowledged information? I pushed those thoughts aside for the time being and focused on the short amount of time I had left with my beautiful, tattooed lover.
We didn’t say anything deep or serious. Mostly we just laid together listening to our breathing and exchanging affectionate touches on our bare skin. It was not intentionally sexual, though it could have become that way if we’d allowed. We had already given ourselves over to our primal desires once, and I could not regret it. This was our time to fulfill the inescapable emotional need for one another.
Edward told me he loved me. What we shared was no longer some unnamed force or connection. It was true, it was deep, and in its own way it was pure. It was a love that probably should never have existed, but it did…and it was ours. No matter what I had with Jake or he had with his wife, this love belonged to us alone. As we lay there together, I looked at him through new eyes. Each smile and caress held a deeper meaning, and I didn’t want to miss anything. Even though I couldn’t bring myself to actually say it back, I had given him what I could. I tried to communicate that to him in my own touch, and I believed he accepted what I was giving.
I knew that very soon – too soon – we would have to say goodbye again. That solitary thought made me anxious, depressed, and nauseous all at once. I didn’t think I could go back to Jacob, but I was unfortunately sure that Edward would go back to his family. He had to; it was the right thing to do. It was his obligation and his duty. As I had told myself long ago, it wasn’t my place to ask him for any more than what we had. If he ever decided to be with me, it had to be his decision.
I also knew that despite our brief reunion tonight, I couldn’t keep going on this way. Saying goodbye and walking away indefinitely again was a devastating thought. I wasn’t sure how much more of this yo-yo relationship my heart could take before it broke for good.
It was too much to think about, and I didn’t want to think at all. My sole desire was to forget the world and reality and get lost in Edward while I still could.
“Kiss me,” he demanded firmly, so I did. I closed the minute space between us and pressed my mouth against his full lips. His tongue traced my upper lip first, then my lower one, and I opened up for him. I sucked his tongue into my mouth playfully because I wanted this last kiss to be happy and fun. He laughed against me and rolled our bodies so that I was below him. Tiny nips and licks tickled my neck and cheeks, and he pushed knotted strands of my hair off my face for better access.
“Dammit,” he finally growled and pulled away. “I want you so fucking bad, baby.” I couldn’t hide my smirk in response to his comment. “I don’t mean like that…well yes I do, but that wasn’t…ugh! I want you to be able to love you. Really love you.”
“But you can’t,” I finished. “I understand why, okay? Don’t say anything else. It will just make it harder.”
He let out a resigned sigh and brushed his thumb across my cheekbone. “I know. I’m so sorry.” He looked at me hesitantly as if he were contemplating something. “I don’t think I can stay away, but I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”
“You have to.” I reached up and brushed a loose clump of hair out of his eye.
“No,” he scowled.
“Yes,” I said firmly.
“I love you.”
I squeezed my eyes shut and nodded in reply.
“I should call a taxi.”
“Already?” I asked sadly.
“It’s late,” he replied.
“I could drive you.”
“No, love. Not only would that be counterproductive, but it’s late. You had a lot to drink tonight, and it’s been an emotional night for you. You should sleep.”
He was right, so I had no choice but to give in. “Fine. Hold me until the taxi comes?”
“Of course, but let’s get dressed first.”
I sat up in the bed as he got down to retrieve his clothes. He slipped on his boxers before tossing my boy short panties and his tee shirt at me. I eyed the clothes skeptically.
“Well, put them on,” he said.
I quirked an eyebrow at him, and he laughed. He bent down to retrieve a white tee shirt from the floor and pulled it over his head. I hadn’t noticed before that he had been wearing two shirts. I quickly pulled on the one he’d given me and wiggled into my undies.
I made a quick trip to my bathroom while he dialed the taxi company, and when I returned, he was sitting on the recliner in my room. I deposited myself into his lap and curled up against his chest. His warm arms enveloped me and rubbed soothing circles all over my back.
Too soon, his phone rang and we stood together so that I could see him out. He hugged me hard at the door and gave me one last searing kiss before walking out of my apartment and quite possibly my life. Miraculously, I managed not to cry.
. . . . . . . . . .
I had just brushed my teeth and settled into my bed when I heard a loud knock at my door. It was too late for anyone to be stopping over, so I assumed Edward must have forgotten something inside when he left.
I skipped to my door, excited about the prospect of one more kiss. I swung it open quickly, and felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. It wasn’t Edward on my porch, it was Jacob.
“Jake, what are you do-“
“Who is he?” Jacob growled through gritted teeth.
Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you
Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through
Dismantle me down (repair)
You dismantle me
You dismantle me
Give me time to prove
Prove I want the rest of your (prelude)
Call this a prelude to a lifetime of you
It's not that I hang on every word
I hang myself on what you repeat
It's not that I keep hanging on
I'm never letting go
Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through
Dismantle me down (repair)
You dismantle me
You dismantle me
Give me time to prove
Prove I want the rest of your (prelude)
Call this a prelude to a lifetime of you
It's not that I hang on every word
I hang myself on what you repeat
It's not that I keep hanging on
I'm never letting go
Anberlin
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