Not Meant To Be - Chapter 15

 

Chapter 15

Song:  Say This Sooner by The Almost

On the way home from brunch, I made up some excuses about needing to finish my lesson plans for the week at work so that I could shoo Jacob off when we got back. He accepted my explanation without question or complaint and kissed me tenderly before thanking me and saying goodbye.

It wasn't a total lie. I did need to clean the apartment and do my lesson plans, but it wasn't anything that would take more than a couple hours. Not that it was what I actually had on my agenda right away.

The first thing I did when I got inside my apartment was retrieve some Ben & Jerry's and a spoon. I wasn't hungry after brunch, but I needed my comfort food. Collapsing on the couch, I let myself get lost in a What Not to Wear marathon. It's truly amazing what some people will try to pass off as acceptable clothing, but I digress.

Spoonful upon spoonful of chocolate brownie goodness soothed me as I slipped into all the confusing shit my brain was juggling.

My whole emo thing didn't really make sense. I truly had an amazing weekend. First with Edward, then the time with Rosalie at the party, and even today with Jacob and my parents. That whole experience had been surprisingly pleasant. Yet here I was feeling like a complete mess with no motivation to do anything or talk to anyone.

It was all too much.

Getting to be that way with Edward – no restrictions, no time limits, no worries – it was great. I felt free. I felt as though we really opened up to one another and that we had a better understanding of each other now. But at the same time it was completely confusing.

If he was telling me the truth, then I was the only person he had ever cheated on his wife with. That was both exhilarating and frightening. I knew he wasn't going to leave her and I was okay with that. Wasn't I? In all seriousness, if that was something he wanted, would I want it in return? Would I ever be able to trust him in a relationship, knowing how we got together? Would he ever be able to trust me? I honestly couldn't answer that.

It didn't matter, though. It could never happen.

Sure, I occasionally had my little fantasies of him telling me that he was leaving and sweeping me off my feet, but they were just that – fantasies. He wasn't the only one I had fantasies about. I knew it was silly to think about, but it happened sometimes. Realistically, I didn't want that. I didn't want to break up a family and leave a little kid without his dad. Our conversation further solidified my feelings about that. No, I didn't want Edward to leave his family for me, but what exactly did I want?

I have no fuckity fucking clue.

Then there was the matter of everything Edward and I had shared. He didn't reveal much about his marriage – a question that always lingered in the back of my mind – but he told me things I never would have expected. All our previous conversations about our families had been so superficial. Where we came from, things we did with them, what they were like. Never the darker side of things. Never the intimate details of the gritty, painful realities of life.

In a way, I knew he was probably just unloading.

I'm a separate party from his day to day life. I have no connection to his family, friends, work, or anything else. Sometimes it's easier to talk to someone who's not within the problems, for outside perspective and all that. Isn't that why people go to shrinks?

Yet I'm no shrink. And what he told me did have some purpose. He wanted me to understand a piece of the conflict he felt so that I would understand why he had to keep his family together. It helped, really.

It also raised a lot more questions.

What Edward told me made me think that there was something more going on at home than he would share. I guess I couldn't blame him for that, but I still wanted to know. Did they have problems? Did they fight? Had she cheated? Was he really a dick? Did he want a divorce before he met me? Did she want a divorce?

Those were questions I knew I couldn't answer, and I didn't feel comfortable asking. I had asked him why he chose me, and I understood him because it was how I felt, too. There was an undeniable chemistry between us, like an electrical current that ran through the room connecting us. Not everyone would see that as a justifiable reason for infidelity, but it was our truth and only we could understand it.

There had to be more than he was telling me. In order to keep things going with us, I knew I would have to accept that.

Still, none of it made sense.

It didn't make sense for a married man with a child who wanted to stay married to continue having an affair.

It didn't make sense for me, someone who claims to love kids, to compromise someone else's family and happiness. I'm single, attractive, and full of many redeeming qualities if I do say so – what was it about this guy that made me throw everything I knew aside to have sex with him?

Really, that's all it came down to.

Right?

Sure, we had become friends in the process, but I had plenty of friends. Friends come and go, with the exception of the special ones like Rosalie. Did I really need Edward Cullen as my friend?

Need?

No. Yes. No.

No.

Not need.

Want?

Yes.

Very much so.

This went beyond sexual gratification.  Even without the sex, I could talk to him for hours on end and never get bored. When the conversations lulled and we were just together, it was like our communication silently continued. I really liked that. There was a certain comfort in Edward's presence...and in his arms. Fuck me, there was comfort in being with him – in that way – that was so different from others guys.

Best.

I didn't think so before, but now...the intensity, the electricity, the forehead thing he always did...

Ugh!

Shut the fuck up, Swan!

Con-fucking-fusing.

I need a damn hobby.

Other than fucking.

Shut up, perv brain.

Something had to be done. Something had to change.

Just thinking about Edward this much was a complete mindfuck.

I had been in control of this situation for so long. When had that changed?

When did I start overanalyzing everything about us?

I fucking hated it, and I didn't want it to be this way.

I was pretty sure that giving up Edward was not an option quite yet because I'm selfish like that, but eventually I would have to. I just needed some kind of…I don't know, catalyst or something to help make it happen.

I would need to back off, though. I obviously couldn't handle things the way they were right now, so I would make some adjustments and regain control and everything would be fine again.

Yep.

…………………

I didn't realize that I had fallen asleep until I heard incessant pounding and someone bellowing my name.

I reluctantly opened my eyes and peeled myself off my couch. As I stumbled toward the door, I noticed that it was no longer light outside. Through the window shades, it looked like it was probably early evening. Man, I hoped so or I was late for work.

“I'm coming!” I croaked out once I finally realized it was Rosalie yelling at the door.

I swung it open as she was mid-pound, and she gave me a funny look.

“What?” I grumbled.

“You look like hell, Bella. Where the fuck have you been all day?”

“Huh?”

“I've been calling you all damn day. I even called Jacob and he said he left you here this afternoon after brunch with your parents. That is a story you'll have to explain later, but right now we need to get your ass ready.” She was still scowling at me.

As she shoved me through the door, I tried to put together a cohesive thought so that I could respond appropriately.

“I must have fallen asleep earlier. I didn't hear the phone. I might have left it in my car.”

We walked inside and Rosalie started flicking on every light in my apartment. She spun me around to examine my current state.

“What is all over your face? Is that chocolate ice cream? Go get in the shower.” She was talking so fast and I was still waking up, so very little of what was happening made sense.

I froze and put my hand up to get her to stop talking. “What's your problem? Why do I need to shower and where are we going?”

She huffed at me and put her hands on her hips. “Dammit, Bella, I told you my grandma's birthday party was tonight. I already told her you were coming.”

“Shit,” I muttered, running my fingers through my messy ponytail. I could feel that half of it was pulled out and that it hung lopsided on the back of my head. I must be a sight.

“Yeah, and you know she loves your little skank ass, so get cleaned up while I find you something to wear,” she said. She was already moving toward my bedroom, dismissing me.

“Do we seriously have to go?” I called after her. “I'd really rather stay in tonight.”

She spun around and gave me a dirty look that she normally reserved for overly friendly bar patrons. “Yes you have to go. She'll be so upset it you don't. Plus, if my dad doesn't have some non-family tits to stare at tonight he's going to be a total piss ant.”

“What? Eww!” I said at the thought of Rosalie's dad ogling me. He was like my own dad for pete's sake!

“Oh come on, Bella. You know dad loves your boobs, now get a move on!”

I shuttered at the thought and gave up the fight. Shuffling into the bathroom, I turned on the water and prepared for my second shower of the day. I would have tried to get away with not showering and just tidying myself up before changing my clothes, but I was a hot mess. Not only did my hair look like a bird's nest from passing out on the sofa, I also did have chocolate ice cream smeared on my face, along with some runny mascara.

A shower it is!

While I was still in there, Rosalie came into the bathroom and told me what I was going to wear. I heard her sit down on the toilet lid and we chatted for a few minutes about nothing in particular while I finished. After I turned off the water, I grabbed a towel and dried off quickly. I emerged with it wrapped around me and stalked off toward my bedroom to get dressed.

“Put your hair in two braids,” Rose told me as I started putting on the clothes she had picked. “We don't have time for you to do anything else. Actually, I'll do it while you put on some make up.”

The outfit she selected was simple and cute. A white button down that was fitted to accentuate my waistline, a dark pair of wide leg jeans, and red heels.

“Braids with a white button down? Is this a semi-Britney look you're trying to give me?” I asked with a trace of sarcasm in my tone. She knows I hate Britney.

“Maybe,” she shrugged. “My dad will fucking eat it up.”

“Eww! Enough about your dad!” I shifted my hips, trying to booty bump her as she worked on my hair.

“Quit screwing around and finish your make-up. Or do I have to do that for you, too? I've already dressed you and done your hair.”

“Shut it,” I said, trying to keep my face serious. Of course I couldn't hold it and ended up giggling at her.

We finally made it out of the house and got to the restaurant where her grandma's birthday party was being held. We bypassed the hostess and went directly to the private room to meet her family. I silently sighed at all the heads turning to watch us as we walked through the dinning area past tables full of people.

Despite my attitude, I did enjoy the party. I loved Rosalie's family like my own, and over the last couple years, I had gotten to know or at least met most of them. Not just her parents and her sisters and brothers. I knew her grandparents, aunts, uncles, and many of her cousins. They were all so sweet and they accepted me as a part of their own family. It meant a lot to be around such a big, close family, especially with my parents' history and Emmett's part of the family. I enjoyed being around people who had never heard of the term “dysfunctional family.”

The distraction didn't last long enough, though.

By the time we made it back to the car, all my previous thoughts had crept back into my head and were overwhelming.

Sitting there silently in the passenger seat, I could feel Rosalie watching me between glances at the road.

“What's wrong with you?” she asked softly. There was no accusation or sarcasm in her voice this time, just pure concern.

She always knew what I needed. We were so goofy and laid back around each other that it felt good to hear her put that aside and really notice something was wrong.

I wasn't sure how well I could talk about it, but at least she opened the door for me.

“I don't know, I guess I just have a lot on my mind,” I said with a sigh.

It was dark out now, and I stared out the window on my right as trees and houses flew past. As always, it was raining, but the moon still managed to poke through a small patch of clouds and cast an eerie glow through the streaks of water that pounded against the road and car windows.

It totally fit my mood.

I felt Rosalie's hand lightly touch my shoulder, and I looked over at her. She had the most beautiful pout on her lips as her hand trailed down to take my hand from my lap and secure it within her own. With a gentle squeeze, she gave me her silent request for more information.

I knew she would accept it if I didn't give her something, but that wouldn't solve anything. She would know there was something still wrong with me the next time we got together and I would eventually cave.

Mustering up the nerve and scrambling my brain for the right way to explain myself, I readjusted in my seat to orient my body toward her position in the driver's seat.

“I'm feeling a little, I don't know, overwhelmed or something,” I finally told her.

“Over what, baby girl?” she asked, giving my hand another squeeze.

“I don't know, Rose. Everything. Life. Guys. Work. My brain hurts.”

She asked what she could do to help, but there wasn't anything she could do. These were my issues, and even though she was my best friend and the most amazing friend anyone could ever possibly have, only I could work through them.

I told her a little bit about how being with Edward over the weekend made me feel, but I edited some of the details. I didn't lie about anything, I just left a few things out. Like the electricity thing or my revelation and moment of clarity when I realized what Edward and I had was all we would ever have. And I left out the personal details of Edward's childhood. I couldn't betray his trust or privacy that way, even if they didn't really know each other. Instead, I told her that he shared some things about his home life and I told him a little about mine, too. She didn't pry, and I appreciated that from the only person in the world who knows all my secrets. Literally.

She listened intently and didn't interrupt unless she had a question or needed more details about something.

I went on to tell her about taking Jacob to brunch with me and about meeting my parents. I told her how the invitation just slipped out of my mouth and she laughed at me over that. I couldn't blame her.

“I bet your parents just loved him, didn't they?” she asked me after I finished my story.

“Yeah, I think so, but they behaved themselves. You know how they get in other people's business.”

She nodded, acknowledging that, yes, she did understand how my parents could be. Especially after the sad excuse for a man that I used to date.

“I just don't know why all of it is so confusing,” I finally confessed.

Rosalie didn't have any answers for me, but I was okay with that.

When we arrived at my apartment, she turned off the car and looked at me expectantly.

“Wanna hang out for a little while?” she suggested.

I felt a little bad saying it, but I wasn’t in the mood to be social any longer. It had nothing to do with her. “I think I just want be alone for a while. I'll call you tomorrow?”

“Of course,” she said, giving me a side hung and kiss on the cheek. “Call me if you need anything. Anything, anytime, okay babe?”

I agreed, and once I was in my apartment, I heard her car purr back to life and take off down the street.

I was miserable.

Who was this woman?

What happened to the Bella Swan with the tough exterior and insatiable libido?

I didn't do anything other than go to work or the gym all week.

I ignored most of Edward's calls, and cut the conversation short the one time we did speak. I'm having a busy week, I told him. What a crock.

I canceled my usual Wednesday night plans with Jacob and said that I wasn't feeling well. Not entirely untrue. I was PMSing.

Thursday night, I didn't even bother putting together anything great to wear to the bar while I worked. Jeans, tee shirt, comfy boots, hair in a sloppy ponytail, minimal make-up.

I still smiled at the customers and tried to flirt with everyone, but my heart wasn't in it. I felt fat, ugly and stupid, even though I knew I wasn't any of those things. But those are always the product of self-pity and acting like a total recluse the way I had been.

Rosalie offered to skip out on Felix and go get some late night breakfast with me at Denny's, but I turned her down. I still talked to her every day, but she didn't pry. She knew me well enough to let me be moody like this, though she did give me a time limit.

Saturday night she and Felix were going to see the newest comic book movie that was out, and she had already invited Jacob to come along and bring me. It was stupid to avoid him forever – he hadn't done anything wrong – so I gave in and agreed.

It wasn't like me to spend this much time in the house, and I knew I needed to get out. I always had fun with those three, so why not start there?

Friday dragged on at the school as I watched minutes tick by until the end of my shift. I loved those little children silly, but there is just something about a Friday afternoon that gets them running circles around you. The day itself hadn't been bad with the students to keep my mind occupied and distracted the whole time. Really, it was that last half hour before I could clock out that killed me.

I put a little more effort into my appearance before heading to work with Rosalie. Jeans, a simple low cut top, pointy heels, hair down, but not overly styled. In honor of my craptastic excuse for style, Rose wore a hobo dress and made it a point to emphasize the name to me several times.

Silly bitch.

At least it made me smile and laugh a little.

It turned out to be a lot more fun than I anticipated, and I managed to pocket the majority of our tips at the end of the night to add to our travel fund. She begged me to leave a little extra for our date Saturday night, but I refused and told her to come raid my closet.

I slept late on Saturday, which is something I don't normally do, even when I've been out late drinking or working. When I got out of bed, I took my time with everything. I slowly made my way through the house cleaning and getting my laundry ready. I messed around with my iPod and listened to music I hadn't heard in ages. That called for the occasional pause to lie on the bed, close my eyes and just listen because that kind of thing is necessary for some music. I took a long shower and pampered myself in ways I hadn't all week – shaving, DIY mani and pedi, plucking, deep conditioning, the works. It was really nice.

When all that was done, I still had some time before I needed to get ready for my date, so I decided to slip into my favorite sweats and cuddle up on the couch with an old friend. I popped Say Anything into my DVD player and smiled at the first sight of a young and geeky John Cusack. Lloyd Dobler owns me. There was no way this movie couldn't make me happy, and it really did the trick.

When it ended, I started to get ready for my night out, but my mind drifted back to the part where Lloyd, the eternal optimist, asks his sister, “Why can't you be in a good mood? How hard is it to decide to be in a good mood and be in a good mood once in a while?"

That's what you need to do, Swan!

I pondered those sage words, and it really did make sense. I had been moping around like an idiot all week and enough was enough.

I am going to be in a good mood.  I’m going to be happy.

My decision was made.

Obviously, the way I was going about things wasn't making me feel any better about my situations, so in order to get happy, I needed to make some changes.

The first would be Edward. In order to avoid the unwelcome feelings I was having for him, I needed to back off a little. I had already done so this week and I was still standing, so it couldn't really be that bad, could it?

I needed to regain control and stop over thinking everything with him so much. He was married, unattainable in a concrete way, and that's how he wanted things to stay. If I could keep myself from getting attached to his time and attention from now on, I could enjoy the fuck and run with him.

Done and done. That's what I would do.

All right, now on to Jacob Black.

Inviting Jacob to brunch with my parents had been a mistake. He was great and all, but I didn't actually mean to do that. I didn't want to give him the wrong idea or mess up our oh-so-convenient arrangement, so I would just play it cool and pretend like that didn't happen. I would revert my mind back to the time that Jacob and I first started hanging out, and I would act accordingly. It was easy then, we had lots and lots of sex and only talked about stupid, inconsequential things. I liked it and so did he, and it was enough for both of us.

Decision number two made.

Little did I know I was a complete fool.

All relationships have two sides.

Both parties have feelings, needs and agendas.

I had no idea at the time, but one of the other parties would shake up my carefully manicured plan and throw me for a complete loop.

This make me feel that I'll never be quite normal
This makes me act like I'll never get out alive
I'll get to acting, make you all believe me
I'll get to faking, show you all how to grieve
No one would ever see things the way I do
No one will try
All my friends think that I'm gone
But I swear,
I swear I'm not

The Almost

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