Chapter 22
Songs: Do What You Have To Do – Sarah McLachlan
The days went by faster than I had thought possible. I was completely consumed by all the new things I had to learn and do at work. The distraction was welcome. Days turned into weeks, and although I was really enjoying all the newness of things, I was still shouldering the burden of unresolved issues – namely, Edward Cullen – but there was more than that. My entire life had changed in an extremely abrupt manner.
It was harder than I imagined being away from Rosalie. I had depended on her presence in my life for a long time, and I missed her intensely now that we were apart. Emmett was great, but he wasn’t Rose. This was home now, but it still sucked. I wanted my Rosalie in L.A. to experience all the new and exciting things with me.
Our phone calls tended to sound something like this:
“I miss you.”
“I miss you, too.”
“It sucks without you here.”
“Then move here with me.”
“I can’t move.”
“Sure you can.”
Sigh. “I can’t.”
“Fine.” Sigh.
“I miss you a whole fucking lot.”
“I know. I miss you more.”
“Love you, baby girl.”
“Love you, Rose.”
Thankfully, Emmett wasted no time throwing me into the mix of things at Rendezvous. Within days, I was catering to the needs of club hopping socialites and making calls to a slew of personal assistants to go over private party details. I got along great with everyone at the club, which was good, considering that Emmett deemed me a second supervisor and boss to all of them.
“I believe in your judgment, Bella,” he had said to me. “There is no one else I would trust more with my club and my employees.”
He had never given anyone else that type of power with his or her position. I knew that my sudden authority could come across as undeserved favoritism if I allowed it, so I worked my ass off to keep a good rapport with all of the employees, no matter what their position.
There was always someone to see, someone to call, and some issue that needed resolving. Everything was so fast paced in this city and job, providing me with a thrill I had never experienced in my career. Working as a bartender with Rosalie was fun, but it lacked substance. Here, the quality of my work truly mattered. When I did my job right, the club benefited. Employees and customers depended on me, and the sense of accomplishment and importance I experienced was extremely gratifying. I hardly had time to think for myself, which made it a little easier to temporarily ignore the issues in my personal life that were eating away at me.
Edward had not called again, but I received a number of texts from him over the course of my first month in California. I had not been able to bring myself to answer the one on the first night or the next few that came in the following week. As time passed, I would occasionally respond, but I never said too much or risked delving into my intimate feelings for him. I stuck to topics that felt safe – work, how I was adjusting, how I enjoyed living here – but I never approached things about us. When it felt as though our chats were heading in that direction, I would wish him well and end the conversation. My avoidance didn’t seem to deter him, though. He was persistent, but not overbearing in his attempts to speak to me. One part of me celebrated his refusal to give up on me, but my logical side was aware that it probably wasn’t best idea to continue on this way.
I knew that I needed to cut off communication with him completely if I were to ever have a chance of getting over him, but it was so hard to go cold turkey, so to speak. I had done that when I dated Jacob, and the thought of letting Edward go again made my chest constrict and my heart race with anxiety. A few texts from time to time were fairly harmless though. I didn’t have to hear his voice, and I wasn’t being flirtatious or suggestive.
The whole texting thing was actually new ground for us. When I lived in Washington, we never sent texts in case Carissa ever noticed them on his phone or their cell phone bill. It was one of those things I just accepted in our relationship, but I was glad for it at the time. I enjoyed hearing his voice on the phone much more than receiving texts. These days, I was using the texts as a means of avoiding conversations and deeper issues.
The club was closed on Sundays and Mondays, but a handful of us still worked during the day on Monday to take care of things on the business side. As it was the beginning of June and the weather was incredible, I got up early, rushed through my work, and made it back home before noon. I was dressed and ready for a run, sitting on the living room floor stretching when Jasper entered.
“Hey, what are you up to today?” he asked.
“About to go run. You?”
“You’re not planning to go to the gym then, I take it?” His question didn’t surprise me. The guys and I had made it a habit of hitting the gym together most days. Working late at night didn’t always make it easy to coordinate a regular time, but with three of us to keep the others motivated, we managed. On the days we couldn’t align our schedules, I would go for a run around our neighborhood. I didn’t like doing it everyday because it would get so hot, but it was nice to have a good sweat fest once or twice a week.
“Nah, the gym is boring without you and Em,” I replied with a shrug.
“Let’s head over to the beach then. Have you ever run in the sand?”
“Nope.”
“It’s a killer workout. Will you wait a few while I get dressed?”
“Sure,” I said, abandoning my stretching and heading into the kitchen to pack a few bottles of water into a cooler. The prospect of going to the beach for any reason excited me. We had only gone once since I moved because of the hectic schedule at the club and getting me acquainted with everything. Even if it was just to take a hard run with Jasper, I looked forward to the smell of the Pacific and the heat radiating off the sand.
A few minutes later, Jasper emerged with a couple of towels and a bottle of spray on sunscreen. We headed out in his car and talked the entire way to the beach.
Everything between us had been good since I moved in, but our conversations always seemed to dance around the Ali subject. I wasn’t sure why I felt the need to avoid it, nor did I fully understand why he did either. It was just this unspoken thing. She no longer worked at the club but was often there when Jasper worked. The handful of times she had been to the condo, all I got from her were dirty scowls. I lacked the desire to feed into petty female bullshit, so I choose to shrug it off and go about my own business. If she had something to say to me, she needed to just say it. I had too much on my mind to get worked up over Ali right now.
Having this time alone with Jasper, I was tempted to ask him about it, but he cut me off by inquiring about my own love life.
“So how are things really going for you, Bella?”
“What do you mean?” I asked. He had been around me practically every moment since I arrived.
“I know you’ve been busy and all with the club, but that doesn’t change the fact that this move was a pretty quick decision for you. Emmett said you were dating someone just before you left?”
“Uhh, yeah. Jacob. Things hadn’t been working out for a while before that, though,” I admitted.
“I see. Was he the, umm, rule guy?”
I glanced over at Jasper and noticed a playful grin tugging at one side of his mouth. It was the first reference to our brief affair that either of us had mentioned.
“Yeah,” I said slowly, hearing the slight shake in my voice. I had no idea where this conversation would go. “We’d only been officially dating a few months before I left, though.”
“Lost the thrill, did it?” Jasper teased and I audibly gasped.
“Oh my gosh, you did not just say that out loud!”
“I’m joking, Bella! I know absolutely nothing about your relationship. I’m just glad you weren’t with him last summer.”
“Do…do you want to talk about that?” I asked hesitantly. I didn’t want there to be anything awkward or unresolved between us if that’s what he was thinking. Still, I scooted slightly closer to the window on my side of the car.
With an easygoing laugh, he glanced over at me and shook his head. “Nah, we’re cool. Unless you feel the need to discuss it.” Reaching over, he gave my knee a quick squeeze, then returned his hand to the steering wheel. “As far as I’m concerned, it was a lot of fun, but we both knew what it was.”
I nodded in agreement. “I concur.”
To my surprise, he continued. “I will say, however, that I wanted to fuck you pretty damn bad. Then again, if I had, I probably wouldn’t have wanted to ever stop, so it’s better that we didn’t.”
“Oh god,” I groaned under my breath, sinking down into my seat and squeezing my eyes closed. Even though there was chemistry between us, I liked Jasper as my friend, not to mention our current circumstances. The idea of having sex with him hadn’t seriously crossed my mind in a very long time. Still, he was absolutely gorgeous, and I had not had sex since the last time with Edward. Hearing a guy say he wanted to fuck me endlessly was a bit of a tease to the lady parts.
Noticing my reaction, Jasper responded in alarm. “Bella? What’s wrong?”
“Can we just not talk about sex?” I moaned pitifully, still not opening my eyes.
“Shit, I’m sorry,” he said sincerely. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or anything. It’s just…you’re such a laid back chick, I thought it was a little harmless banter, that’s all. I’m sorry,” he repeated.
At the mention of laid back chick, I immediately relaxed. That was always Garrett’s nickname for me. I made a mental note to call him soon and catch up, and then I cleared the air with Jasper.
“No, Jasper, it’s cool. We’re fine. I’m just going through a bit of a…dry spell, if you will,” I said, finally looking at him.
“Ooooh, got it.”
I wondered what color my face was because it was getting a bit warm in the car.
When I didn’t say anything, he spoke again. “Do you mind if I ask why? I see a lot from my vantage point at the club, and it’s not as though you haven’t had opportunities. You get hit on practically every night and that includes some of the more affluent customers.”
Slightly stunned, I stared at him for a moment as I tried to gather my thoughts. “Honestly, I don’t really know,” I said. “Well, that’s not entirely true. I’ve tried not to think about it too much, but I suppose I simply don’t respond to that kind of attention the way I used to.” I took a deep breath before my next admission. “I think I’m still a little hung up on someone else, and it’s making me closed off to other guys.”
“So you miss Jacob?” he asked after a brief pause.
“No, not Jacob,” I answered quietly.
He gave me a perplexed and curious look, but his attention was on the parking area, as we had just arrived at the beach. We climbed out of the car quietly, and I immediately began adjusting the ties on my cross trainers.
“Hey, hold up,” Jasper said, grabbing my arm lightly and pulling me up. “I get the feeling you need to talk this out a little more. Why don’t we walk for a while and then we can run back. Consider it a warm up with a side of conversation.”
“All right,” I agreed, surprisingly thankful for his offer. We began our walk in silence until he urged me to explain what had happened in Washington and what ultimately led to my decision to take Emmett up on his offer of a job in California.
At first, it was hard to admit the things I had done to yet another person. It was nice, though, because he ended up being objective in a way that Emmett had not been, yet not as accepting of everything as Rosalie. His perspective was very different from theirs, and I believed that he understood without judging me based on my socially frowned upon choices. It was a little humorous how much our conversation mirrored the way I had listened to him last summer as he talked to me about Ali. Obviously, the situations were extremely different, but the sentiment was the same.
Jasper made observations neither I, nor any of my other confidants had put together. He pointed out the way Edward would always say things to me – always putting the importance of staying with his son before staying with his wife, or referring to Carissa as his best friend and saying he loved her but never that he was in love with her. He asked me how I truly felt when I was with Edward and how that compared to the way I felt with other guys, even using himself as an example. As if he was some kind of psychologist, he helped me break down each of those relationships deeper than I ever had on my own and come to terms with where my heart had been in the past year…and where it was now.
We agreed that my relationship with Jacob had been, at best, comfortable. He compared it to what had happened with us last summer.
“Look, Bella, you and I both know that there is something electric between us, right?”
“Yeah,” I agreed, feeling a bit nervous about discussing our attraction in depth.
“But we do better on a platonic level, wouldn’t you agree? We could hook up and have fun, but if we’re really honest with ourselves, that thing that would sustain a long term relationship just isn’t there.”
I pondered his words for a few minutes, walking silently beside him as the waves rolled onto the sand and retracted in the uneven patterns of nature.
Looking at things the way he saw them, I began to understand where he was going with all of this. Perhaps he and Jacob were more alike than I realized. Not necessarily as the kind of men they were or their personalities, but in the ways we connected and got along.
I had really wanted things to work out with Jacob at one time, but in hindsight, it was a bit forced. We had all the surface ingredients of a great pairing, but when you looked beneath sex and friendship, there wasn’t much there. I wanted there to be something, but there wasn’t. To me, there was never a comparison or competition between Edward and Jacob for my affection. Yes, when I started to date Jacob, I had made the choice to let go of Edward, but I wasn’t really choosing one over the other because Edward was never truly available to me. The more I considered it, the more I realized…
“I never really wanted things to work out with Jacob because it was not my ideal future, I wanted it to work because it was his ideal. It was what he wanted, and I was trying to conform, to make him happy.”
Stunned by my revelation, I stopped walking and plopped down in the sand. I stared out at the ocean blankly, not really seeing it.
For over a year, I had every piece of the puzzle I needed right in front of me. I even thought about them numerous times, yet I had never put them together in this way until now. It took Jasper’s careful and receptive ear to pull the right information out of me and arrange it properly.
“You all right?” he asked from his seat beside me on the hot beach.
“Yeah,” I nodded. “I just never…it’s so crazy how easily we can hide things from ourselves, even when it’s staring back at us like a reflection.”
“You’re not a bad person, B,” he offered, rubbing comforting circles between my shoulder blades. I appreciated the gesture and liked the new nickname he had decided to give me. I felt closer to him already, and I liked having something that was ours. “I can tell from your expression that you think you screwed something up monumentally, but this is how life works, hun. People need people, and sometimes we get mixed up about their role and importance in our lives, especially when you add sex to the kettle.”
“Thanks,” I said quietly, and I truly meant it.
He took the opportunity to transition us back into a conversation about Edward now that I had a good handle on everything that had happened with Jacob.
“It’s pretty obvious you were in love with Edward before you ended things with him back in the winter,” he said. “You realize that now, don’t you?”
“Yes, I do. I’ve been thinking about that a lot over the past month. It’s hard to rationalize, but at the same time, it makes complete sense. I know that I was, and still sort of am, all screwed up from my relationship with James. That did a real number on my self-esteem and made me extremely cynical about men. Given the circumstances of everything with Edward and his marriage, I recognize that I was forcing myself to only acknowledge certain aspects of what we had.”
Jasper hummed in agreement and understanding, allowing me to continue as I described my feelings to both of us.
“Hearing him say that he wished he had met me before his wife and that I was the kind of woman he wanted to be with really was a huge mindfuck,” I said, feeling exasperated at the memory. I knew my annoyance wasn’t with Edward, though. He had just been trying to be honest with me. “Maybe he never should have said it, but I also could have been a little more objective and aware.”
“Don’t beat yourself up over it. From the sound of things, that was an extremely emotional ordeal. No one would expect you to think completely clear given the circumstances.”
“Thanks for that, J,” I said, interjecting my own nickname this time. “This is really helping, you know? I appreciate it.”
He winked and bumped his shoulder against mine, urging me to keep talking.
“I just don’t know where to go from here. He aired his feelings, but the fact remains that I’m here, he’s there, and he’s still married with a kid he doesn’t want to leave. In love with one another or not, there’s no magic wand to erase the parts we’d rather not deal with. Now I have to figure out how to get over him and move on with my life.”
I watched Jasper gazing at the ocean for several minutes, seemingly contemplating my words and trying to help me develop some sort of solution for my emotional predicament. Silently, I wondered how I had gotten so lucky despite all the other shitty things that had happened in my life recently. I had a new job I loved, even if it was a boatload of work and ass kissing, and I had two incredible friends in Emmett and Jasper. As I waited, I watched the various birds flying and fishing in the water and smiled about my awesome new location. It was finally beginning to feel like home.
“You need closure,” Jasper said, breaking our silence. “You haven’t been able to fully move on from that relationship without it, and he obviously has something he believes you need to know. I don’t think he’s going to back down on this one, B. From what you told me about that fight you guys had way back and the lengths he went to in seeking your forgiveness, you’re pretty much screwed unless you change your phone number.” I stared at him, my stomach rolling as he brushed a loose clump of hair out of his eyes. The motion made me aware of the breeze whipping my ponytail against my back. “I know the thought of talking to him scares you a little, but it’s what you need to do.”
“I don’t know…” I trailed off apprehensively.
“I get that, really, but the biggest thing you two have lacked in your relationship is honesty and communication. You have to stop avoiding your problems and face them. You say you grew to trust him and feel like he did the same with you, so you need to put that trust into action now. I’m not saying it will be easy because it won’t. I’m sure it’s going to be one of the fucking hardest conversations you’ll ever have, but that doesn’t change the fact that it needs to be done. Talk to him. Clear the air. Say the things you need to say, and allow him to do the same,” Jasper told me firmly. “You never know, he may surprise you. No matter what, you’ll at least be telling it to the people who need to hear it – each other.”
“Yeah, I think you’re right,” I agreed.
“So enough vacillating over this and just get it done. You can tell your story to as many people as you like, B, but none of it will truly make a difference until you handle that conversation with him. If you can admit all your feelings to me, you can admit them to him.”
“I’m scared,” I whispered, pulling my legs a little closer to my body and burying my face in my knees. I felt Jasper’s arm wrap around me, and I leaned into him.
“I know, sweetheart,” he said, placing a comforting kiss on top of my head. “There’s a lot to be scared of in this life, but we shouldn’t have to be afraid of love. I don’t like these circumstances anymore than you do, and it tears me up to see you hurting, but this is what needs to be done.” Pulling me up to stand, he gave me a genuine, sweet smile that brightened my outlook. “Now come on, I think it’s time we got to that run. You sure as shit can use a little stress relief!”
We laughed together as he stripped off his tee shirt and tucked it into his shorts. I did the same with my tank top, leaving me in a sports bra. We stretched our sedentary muscles for a few minutes and then took off down the endless sandy beach for our much needed run. I couldn’t help but ogle his bare, tan chest just a little. With that thought, I knew my attitude was improving already.
Our run was excruciating. I pushed myself to keep up with the long legs that accompanied Jasper’s six foot-four frame. Not only did I run faster, but it was also a bit longer than what I normally run. If nothing else, it helped exorcize a few of my demons. By the time we were finished, we both dripped sweat from the exertion and the hot sun beating down on our bodies. We each chugged a full bottle of water before toweling off, grateful for the cold refreshments on a hot day like this. After some thorough stretching and a few more dabs of our towels, we loosened our sneakers, grabbed two more bottles of water, and headed for home. We kept the AC on full blast, stopping only to pick up some protein smoothies on the trip back.
When we got out of the car, Jasper scowled at a miniscule amount of sand and saltwater residue that had settled on his paintjob. He immediately went to retrieve the necessary items to wash his Cadillac, and I volunteered to help. I was already in desperate need of a shower and had nothing better to do anyway, so I figured, what the hell?
After the run, our conversation had taken a lighter tone, and one soapy slip while washing the car quickly turned into a raucous, wet battle with the hose and soaked flying sponges. Within minutes, we were both drenched, our hair in stringy wet disarray and our relatively bare torsos dripping with streams of cold water. As we wrestled each other to the ground in a brawl for domination of the hose, Ali chose that exact moment to pull up in front of the condo.
My laughter died immediately when she emerged from her car with a death glare painted on her petite features. I released Jasper from the spidery tangle of our legs and arms and stood quickly. He noticed my sudden reaction and saw Alice staring at us with her hands on her hips.
I flashed her a nervous smile, wringing my hair out before making a beeline for the front door. “I’ll, umm, see you later, J,” I croaked before retreating into the house.
“Yeah, thanks for your help, B.”
With absolutely no interest in what would transpire once I was out of sight, I hit the shower right away and took my sweet time.
I spent time primping and plucking, listening to some music and dancing around my bedroom in my underwear. Thanks to our discussion, Jasper had helped me lift a huge weight off my shoulders. I felt like I truly understood what had happened with Jacob and what my motivations and mistakes were in that relationship. That was not a path I would travel again, but it felt good to get into my own head in regards to my time with him. All my coping mechanisms and rule making really dulled my sense of reality. Again, I had the understanding that this period of my life really was an opportunity to start fresh.
Although my nerves were not completely soothed regarding Edward, I was glad that Jasper called me out on my true feelings and made me address so many of the unspoken things that happened between us. He really would have made a great psychologist, but in a way, being a DJ still made sense for him. He could anticipate what music people would need to set the right mood, and he provided it for them.
I resolved that the next time Edward tried to contact me, I would talk to him. We needed to air things out, and I owed it to him to hear whatever it was that he felt such a strong need to tell me. I didn’t know what would come of a conversation with him, but I held out hope that he hadn’t given up on getting in touch with me yet.
Flopping down on my bed, I dug my phone out of the bag I had taken to the beach. Turning it on, I saw a missed call from my parents, another from Rosalie, and three texts from Edward. I smiled at that, wondering if he had sensed me talking about him today. Reading them, however, made me feel a bit guilty when I considered his feelings.
Miss you. Wish you’d call ~E
I’m going crazy here. I need you to call me. I need to hear your voice & tell you everything. Plz don’t ignore me any longer
Please
The third, very simple message had a little heart symbol next to it that made me want to squeal and cry at the same time. I pressed the reply button without hesitation and typed him a message.
Can I call you later tonight? ~B
His reply was almost immediate.
YES- do you promise?
I sent him a quick confirmation and rolled onto my back to call Rosalie. As always, I tried to coax her into packing up and moving to California with me, and she played her part with excuses and arguments. After we went through that routine, we caught up on the weekend, even though we talked daily. We never lacked for things to discuss. I wanted to ask her about Garrett and Jacob, since I had been thinking about them today, but decided that I would call Garrett later instead. I missed him, and it would be good to hear his voice. We had only exchanged texts since I moved.
By the time I emerged from my room, I realized that evening had set in, giving way to the dark nighttime sky. Jasper and I had spent several hours on our trip to the beach, which was much longer than I anticipated. It was necessary, though. Emmett was nowhere to be seen and I could hear the television playing Jasper’s bedroom, so I made myself a small salad and took it out on the porch. After finishing my dinner, I picked up the phone and dialed Garrett’s number.
“Well speak of the devil, if it isn’t my favorite California girl!” he bellowed into the phone.
I laughed at his exuberant greeting and returned a fond sentiment. “So you’ve been talking about me, huh?”
“Just reminiscing with Ben about that time you and Rosalie made out at bike night,” he quipped.
“I would hardly call that making out. Just a friendly little bestie greeting to drive you boys wild.”
“Uh huh…tease.”
We talked for a little while, catching up on things since I left. I told him about my new job, promising to introduce him to plenty of hot actresses if he ever came to visit. He liked that incentive.
He told me that he and Chelsea split up right after I moved, but that he had been hanging out with this new girl Kate. She had two kids – twins – from a young marriage, but that didn’t seem to bother Garrett at all. In fact, he seemed quite taken with her, and I was so glad to hear that much adoration and excitement in his voice.
I attempted to ask about Jacob casually, but he called me out on it.
“He’s doing better than he was, but it’s taken time. I think you were his first love, so he’s trying to figure out how to deal with that.”
“I feel so awful about everything,” I said quietly. “I never meant to hurt him. You know that, right?”
“Yeah, I know, Bella. Don’t stress about it. He’s a tough guy, and when he finds the right girl, she’ll be a lucky lady.”
“Sure will,” I agreed.
“I think he’d appreciate knowing that you’re thinking about him, at least as a friend. I might have to mention it sometime.”
“Oh Garrett, I don’t know if that’s the best idea,” I said quickly. “I don’t want to make things worse.”
“Listen, let me be the judge of that. If it’s something I think he can handle, cool. If not, I won’t say anything.”
Just then, I heard the sliding glass door open behind me, and I turned to see Ali walking outside. As always, she wore her typical scowl for me.
“A word, Bella,” she said sharply, completely disregarding the fact that I was on the phone.
Holding my phone away from my ear slightly, I gestured toward it with my free hand.
“I don’t give a fuck if you’re talking to the Pope,” she spat. “Get off the damn phone because we need to talk!”
“Whoa,” Garrett howled in my ear. “I think I’d better let you go.”
I tried to protest to both of them, but it was getting me nowhere. Garrett said a quick goodbye, and I set my phone on the table before standing to face Ali.
“That was incredibly rude of you,” I said calmly, but I felt my blood boiling. Why did she have to be such a royal bitch all the time?
“Whatever,” she said flippantly, waving her hands over her head like a crazy person. “You and I need to have a little talk here, B.” The way she used Jasper’s new nickname was obviously a dig, as it was laced with venom and loathing.
“Fine. Talk.” I said, staring blankly at her and crossing my arms over my chest.
“I’m only going to say this once, so listen up. You may live down the hall from him, but stay the fuck away from my boyfriend, you stupid jizz dumpster!”
My jaw dropped at her snarling name calling, not because she had offended me, but because it was completely childish and uncalled for. I was ready to fire back at her, but I didn’t want to sink to that level. I had no reason to get defensive because I was innocent. Jasper and I were friends, and she needed to get a grip on reality so that she could calm down. Instead, I went for the “kill her with kindness” angle, praying it would work.
“Ali, listen. Jasper and I are-“
“It’s Alice,” she shrieked, cutting me off before I could finish.
“What? All right, whatever. Alice, Jasper and I are friends. Just friends,” I said, trying to sound reassuring. “Whatever you’re thinking, it’s a misconception. Shit, if you’re pissed about today, all we did was go running and talk. He spent half the afternoon talking to me about my ex-boyfriends and helping me deal with my own shit.”
“Riiiiiiiight,” she said sarcastically with an exaggerated eye roll. “’Oh Jasper, you’re such a great friend for letting me boo-hoo on your shoulder! Now let me take off my clothes and spray you with a hose!’ Kiss my ass, jizz dumpster, I don’t buy that shit for one second!”
“Jesus, Alice, what the hell are you doing?” said a booming voice from just inside. The sliding glass door was pushed open the rest of the way, and Jasper and Emmett appeared, dragging us inside before slamming the door closed.
“Baby, she was all fucking over you when I got here!” Alice defended. “I was just reminding her to keep her hands to herself.”
“By calling her names?” Jasper scowled. “We already talked about this earlier. There is nothing going on between me and Bella.”
“Maybe you’re not interested in her, but I’ve seen the way she looks at you. And I know what happened last year at the wedding.”
All of the sudden, Emmett stepped forward and interjected. Where the hell had he come from? “Whoa there. What’s this shit about the wedding? What happened at the wedding?”
“Nothing!” Jasper and I said at the same time.
“I’ve had enough of this,” Emmett announced. “Family meeting. Everyone in the living room, now. Bella, you go in the chair. You two,” he gestured to Alice and Jasper, “Opposite ends of the couch.”
We all shuffled into the living room and did as we were told.
“Now explain what the hell is going on here.” When all three of us started talking at once, he cut us off again. “Jasper. Explain.”
“I have no clue, man.”
“Fine then. Bella? Did something happen between you and Jasper?”
“They fucked at your dad’s wedding!” Alice shrieked.
“Oh my god, mind your own business!” I yelled, noticing Emmett’s face turn very, very red as he looked back and forth between Jasper and me. “You’re going to give Emmett an aneurysm!”
“We did not have sex,” Jasper told them. “Not that it’s any of your business. Either of you.”
“Then what happen?” Emmett asked.
Jasper glared at him, obviously annoyed at this point. “Didn’t I just say that it’s not your business?”
“That’s my cousin!” Emmett pointed at me.
“Yeah, and you were off fooling around with my date! So unless you would like to give me a play-by-play of your activities, don’t expect me to explain shit to either of you.” He turned and faced Alice. “You need to get the hell over this, Alice. I love you. You get that, right? It was your choice when you broke things off with me before and did whatever the hell you did. If you want this, you have to trust me and learn how to deal with Bella being my friend.”
I sat quietly, slightly dumbstruck as I watched this scene unfold.
With a severe pout smothering her face, Alice scooted closer to Jasper. “I trust you,” she said desperately. “I just have no reason to trust her.”
I rolled my eyes, but hoped no one saw the gesture.
Jasper slid across the couch and took her hands. “If you must know, Bella and I spent the afternoon talking about all the shit she left behind in Washington. She’s in love with someone up there, and I assure you that she is not interested in me. In fact, we specifically addressed the fact that while we made out for like, five minutes last summer, we are completely incompatible as anything more than friends. Ask her if you don’t believe me.”
Even though he left out many details, including a vast understatement of what had happened at the wedding, I knew it was better this way. That was not a conversation I wanted to have with Alice or Emmett. Ever. “See? That’s what I tried to tell you earlier. Don’t want your boyfriend. Just friends. The end.” My voice was softer, trying to convey the truth in my words and keep the defensive hostility at bay.
No one said anything for several minutes, so I told them that if we were done, I was heading to my room. Stopping to retrieve my phone and a glass of water, I slowly walked down the hall and shut my bedroom door behind me. I turned on the bedside lamp and the television for a distraction. Closing my eyes, I gave myself some time to process what had just happened.
Why was it that drama seemed to follow me everywhere I went? I wouldn’t take back what happened with Jasper last year because we hadn’t done anything wrong. We were both single, and although we came to the wedding with other people, they had ditched us first. Alcohol and stress factored in for both of us, and we were just having a little fun. We fooled around, which was incredibly erotic, but that was the extent of it. In all the time that passed since my visit last July, I had not spoken to Jasper once. It made me wonder if Alice was truly that insecure or if there was some other issue that made her act that way. Regardless, it was not my problem.
A little while later, I had calmed down and was actually paying attention to the program on my television. A soft knock sounded on my door, and I invited the person into my room. There were only three choices of guest, but I was still somewhat surprised to see Jasper standing in the doorway.
“Come on in,” I said, beckoning him closer. He shut the door with a soft click and sat on the end of my bed as I straightened up to face him.
He sighed heavily, rubbing his hands up and down on his face. “I’m really sorry about that.”
“Hey,” I protested, tapping his chin with a single finger so that he would look at me. “Not your fault. I really don’t know what brought that on, but I swear I didn’t incite any of it. Well, that may not be completely true. I’m sure our front lawn wrestling match didn’t look good.”
“It didn’t, but she was still out of line, B. It was completely inappropriate to attack you that way and to call you names.”
I scratched the back of my neck and sighed. “Do you have any idea what brought it on?”
“Not really,” he shrugged. “My guess is that you’re the only girl she actually saw me with when we weren’t together. Jealousy, I guess.”
“Huh…well, at least we got that out of the way,” I chuckled darkly, but hoping to lighten the mood a little bit. “When did you guys get together again anyway?”
“Well, she started pursuing me not long after the wedding, but I held off for a few months before I let anything happen. I needed to make sure she wasn’t going to flake on me like she did the last time. I couldn’t take that kind of heartbreak a second time, you know?”
“But you still have problems?” I asked, honestly interested to know. He had been so supportive of me that I wanted to be there for him if he needed someone to talk to about it.
He scrunched his face noncommittally, looking rather childish and cute in the process. I giggled internally. “Things are usually really great, but she has her moments. I think it’s more about what she did while we weren’t dating, you know? Like she thinks I’ll do something to get back at her. She knows I won’t, but she overcompensates and gets pissed about stupid stuff every once in a while. We’re working on it, though. Hopefully this will be the last of it.”
“Yeah, I hope so too,” I said. “I’d hate to be the straw that broke the camels back, or whatever that phrase is.” He laughed at my comment, automatically bringing a smile to my face. “So where is she now? Are you going to get in trouble for talking to me?”
“Oh, umm, no trouble. I told her that I needed her to go home so I could cool off. I think I’m going to head over to her place in a little while, though. I don’t like the passive aggressive shit.”
“I don’t blame you for that.”
“So have you talked to Edward yet?” he asked.
“Oh shit!” I exclaimed. “I got a text from him earlier, and I said I would call him tonight. You don’t think it’s too late now, do you?”
“B, from what you’ve told me, you could call him at four in the morning and he wouldn’t think it was too late or too early. Call him.”
“I will. And thanks again for all your help today.”
“Anytime, sweetie,” he said, leaning forward to kiss my head and give me a hug. We held onto each other for a few moments before he stood up and crossed my room. “Good luck and sleep tight. I expect a full report tomorrow.”
As he left my room, I picked up my cell phone and tossed it from hand to hand. In my mind, I rehearsed what I wanted to say to Edward, hoping I would get things right. I knew that it wouldn’t matter, though. Once I heard his voice, I would forget everything I had planned and speak impulsively.
Psyching myself up, I repeated the same thing in my mind over and over again, remembering everything Jasper and I discussed that afternoon. Honesty. Complete honesty.
Taking a deep breath and holding it, I found Edward’s number in my contact list and dialed. The sound of his voice was like sweet honey on a sore throat.
“I’ve been waiting,” he said, uncharacteristically uneasy.
“I’m here now,” I offered. I heard him sigh once, and then we began the conversation that would potentially break my heart into a million pieces…or offer the closure I so fervently needed.
Or maybe something else entirely.
Every moment marked with apparitions of your soul
I’m ever swiftly moving, trying to escape this desire
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
But I have the sense to recognize that I don’t know how to let you go
A glowing ember
Burning hot, burning slow
Deep within I’m shaken by the violence of existing for only you
I know I cant be with you
I do what I have to do
I’m ever swiftly moving, trying to escape this desire
The yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
But I have the sense to recognize that I don’t know how to let you go
A glowing ember
Burning hot, burning slow
Deep within I’m shaken by the violence of existing for only you
I know I cant be with you
I do what I have to do
Sarah McLachlan
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