Friday, February 12, 2010

Excerpts

Title: Excerpts

Rating: M
Characters: Edward & Bella
Warning: mild sexual content
Summary: On their first wedding anniversary, Edward finds a very unique way to give Bella the gift of paper.  Together they share memories, with the help of a few special songs, and remember the depth of their love together.  Written for the Twi-fans for Haiti relief compilation - Post-BD/AU

Beta/Pre-reader credits: 4lettrwrd


Some of the songs I use below were not released at the time they fall into the Twilight Saga timeline, but for the sake of this bit of fluff, we’re going to pretend.  What you’ll find below are only excerpts from Edward’s journal, not the entire contents.  I truly hope you enjoy the story.  Thank you for your contribution to the Haiti relief effort.  Yet again, I am incredibly proud to be a part of this fandom.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Bella stares at the leather-bound book tied up with a lovely blue bow.  She knows Edward tied it there himself, but she does not understand why.  She recognizes the book immediately; it is one of his journals.  Though she has seen the volumes on his bookshelves in the Cullen family’s home, she never wished to invade her husband’s privacy by peeking at any of them.

“Edward, what is this?” she asks earnestly. 

He smiles at her in that devastating manner that always makes her weak in the knees.  Even after her transformation, even after their first year of marriage, the effect is always the same.

“Like I said, happy anniversary, love.”

She raises her eyebrows in a cue to elaborate.

“You’ve indulged me in this last year, accepting the wedding, a honeymoon, new cars, gifts… This gift did not cost me a cent.  Anyway, isn’t the first anniversary gift supposed to be paper?”  He grins triumphantly and Bella finally smiles back at him.

“I’m still confused,” she pouts.

Upon further prompting, she carefully unties the pretty bow, immediately feeling terrible for having ruined something so perfect, but she is eager to see what lies inside the journal.  When she opens the book, she can see her husband’s elegant scrawl covering every page from front to back.

“It’s a special journal I began after I met you,” he explains, gesturing toward the thick book.  “You know how significant music is to me.  Whenever I heard a song that reminded me of you, I would record the lyrics in that book and write about it.”

Bella’s hand rises to cover her mouth, and they both realize that she would be crying right now if she were still human.  Alas, she cannot cry, so she looks deeply into Edward’s eyes, attempting to communicate her love and adoration for him without words.

“Come sit with me, please,” she requests.  He moves across their large bed and leans against the headboard with a few pillows behind his back.  Bella settles between his spread legs, nestling her back against his chest and feeling the welcome comfort of his arms sliding around her waist.

“Read,” he says simply.

Her mind is in a thousand places at once, which isn’t unheard of for a vampire, but she wants to focus on her very special gift.  The contents are extraordinary.  There are things she knew he felt and other commentaries that are absolutely profound.

He lifts a hand to rub her upper arm as she reads.  “It wasn’t always the entire song that made me think of you.  Sometimes it was just a single line or verse.  I only included the parts that I felt were most applicable.

They sit in silence together as she reads each entry for the first time and Edward watches over her shoulder.  He doesn’t need to reread his words to remember what they say, but he likes reading them as Bella does.  It makes him feel connected to her.

For hours, she leafs through the book, turning pages, touching certain words he has written, and flipping around in no particular order.  Occasionally, she will comment on a human event that she remembers; other times, his words stir old memories from deep within that she had previously forgotten.

Each song is astonishing, touching, and perfect when he explains his reason for feeling a connection to it.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Breathing - Lifehouse
Finding my way back to sanity
Though I really don’t know what I’m gonna do when I get there
Take a breath and hold on tight, spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back to the arms of Grace
Cause I am hanging on every word you say, and
Even if you don’t wanna speak tonight that’s all right, all right with me
Cause I want nothing more than to sit outside Heaven’s door
And listen to you breathing, that’s where I want to be
I’m looking past the shadows in my mind into the truth and I’m
Trying to identify the voices in my head, God which one’s you?
Let me feel one more time what it feels like to feel alive
And break these calluses off of me one more time

The relevance of this song is nearly comical.  At first, it is difficult to decipher if the lyrics refer to an actual deity or a lover, but looking past that, I see so much of myself.

I have only known Bella Swan for a short while, but I am enraptured by her in ways I both hope and fear she will never understand.  All of my existence, I have felt on the edge of reason and control, but she has drawn me out.  I want to be someone worthy of the affection she so freely gives, someone good like my father.  To me, she is indeed the arms of Grace.  From her, I receive love that I did nothing to earn, accepting it as a gift.

Truly, I hang on her every word.  Her eyes tell me so much, but there are so many more moments that I find myself wishing to know what is happening in her beautiful mind. Then her breaths, yes, I treasure each one.  She risks her life to be near me, never understanding how it would affect me if the signs of her life – her heart, her breaths – ceased.  Though she is the human and I am but a monster, she makes me feel alive in ways no other creature has ever been able.  It is the root of my selfishness, the reason I cannot stay away.

~*~*~*~*~*~

The Gift - Seether
Hold me now I need to feel relief
Like I never wanted anything
I suppose I'll let this go and find a reason I'll hold on to
I'm so ashamed of defeat
And I'm out of reason to believe in me
I'm out of trying to get by


I'm so afraid of the gift you give me
I don't belong here and I'm not well
I'm so ashamed of the lie I'm living
Right on the wrong side of it all

We’ve returned home from Arizona, where Bella nearly lost her life because of me.  Had I failed to reach her in time, my life would have ended too.  I wanted to be angry with her for willingly putting herself in a place of grave danger with James, but all those feelings were washed away when I had her back in my arms, not completely unscathed, but alive.

I wonder if she will ever see what a gift her life is.  It is so precious, she is so precious, and even after facing a brutal attack, she still risks it to be with me.  I don’t know how to handle that, but I need her.  As long as I can safely be with her, by her side is where I must remain.  Were she to change her mind, I would have no choice but to say goodbye, so I find myself sickeningly grateful that she has yet to turn me away.

I don’t deserve her.  I will never deserve her.  I will always love her.

~*~*~*~*~*~

The Only Exception - Paramore
And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable distance
And up until now, I had sworn to myself
That I'm content with loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk
Well, you are the only exception

I cannot exist without her.  She has taken me back when I do not deserve her forgiveness, and I will spend the rest of my time with her, no matter how long that is, making it up to her.  I cannot exist without her.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Don’t Walk Away - MxPx
I need the passion,
That's in your heart,
Say you'll never leave and be apart
So don't walk away,
Don't turn your back,
If you leave today,
My whole world would turn black

I know now what life without my love is like, and I do not wish to face it again for any reason.  Selfishly, I want her for eternity, but I cannot willingly allow that, no matter what she, my family, or the Volturi may say.  My desires do not compare to the value of her blessed soul.

Still, I find myself thinking, feeling, and repeating the words of this song.  She is the owner of my heart, and because of my mistakes, I am at her mercy.  If she left me, I would simply cease to be.  I want nothing more than to keep her by my side.  I’ve already seen what I am without her, and it is blacker than black and more torturous than any hell could be.  I love her so much, far more than any words I write or songs I choose could ever express.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Nightingale – Saves the Day
I'll have to walk a thousand miles just to find the ground deserving of your feet.
You could throw me down and walk on me
and I'd just look on through my love and through the haze.

I am lost in my love for Bella.  Whatever she desires, I am at her beck and call.  Even if she stopped loving me, I never could.  I would never want to.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Constellation – The Juliana Theory
Some things can never be explained
Why does your love remain unchanged?
'Cause I know it wouldn't be the same without you


Sleep seems a dream away and a year too late
Words that can't be spoken stream off your face
And I want to be selfish
I want to be selfish
I want to be selfish, you're my everything

She has agreed to be my wife, finally, and if my heart were still alive, it would explode with love for her.  Even when we spoke of marriage and “forever” before, it still felt as though there were stumbling blocks in our way, but this time it is different.  She wears my mother’s ring, we have told Charlie, she has called Renee, and my sisters and Esme have begun planning our wedding.

I would say that it all feels surreal, but I don’t believe that a vampire has the luxury of disbelief.

While I sit listening to the lyrics of this song, I cannot help but feel them in the depths of my bones.  Her love for me has always been astounding, even in our darkest moments.  She has shown me that I cannot be without her.  Our time apart, the threat of enemies, and other men have all reinforced that fact.  Whether she fully grasps the intensity of my love, I do not know, but I am certain that she loves me as much as any human is capable of loving another being – without reason, without sensibility or self-preservation.  Knowing that it will increase exponentially when she someday is changed blows my mind.  We have so much to experience together.

So, yes, I am selfish, and it is because she is my everything.  I waited, unknowingly for Bella Swan to enter this world and my life, and we now face a world of uncharted potential.  For that, I am willing to be selfish.  I am unashamed.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Breathless, July – owensring
Like a whisper aches for a breath to bring it to life
To deliver it from the silence of a sigh
The way a thought requires no words when I am but half of your whole
The way a thought requires no words when I swallow your heart
Reach into your soul
And so it goes
For two who keep this breathless ache
Ever breathing
Breathless
So it goes for those who cease to live as two
Tonight
Your kiss is a symphony
Touch the bow to the strings
Your brace is a mystery
Blinded, hide me with your wings
Suffer all the words you need
And sing them back for me to hear
Girl, I’m breathless (you are like sweet on my tongue)
Girl, I’m breathless (spinning, impossible, numb)
Girl, I’m breathless (you are like sweet on my tongue)
Girl, I’m breathless (so sweet)

She is my wife.

Bella is my wife.

Isabella Marie Cullen.  Mrs. Edward Cullen.

I will never know greater joy.

I wish I could find the words to explain how triumphant I feel that she is mine.  I hate myself for hurting her when we made love, but I will never deny that it was the single greatest experience I have ever known.  Tonight, we were of one body.  Tonight, I had a soul because my darling wife allowed me to share hers.

Now, as she sleeps, I don’t feel the need to describe why I have chosen this song for our wedding night.  I will allow these lyrics to tell their story as I wonder how someone could capture the beauty of love so poignantly in a song.

This is only the beginning.  My heart is full of delight.

~*~*~*~*~*~

So Far Away - Staind
All the mistakes,
One life contained
They all finally start to go away
Now that we're here its so far away
And I feel like I can face the day
I can forgive and Im not ashamed to be the person that I am today

So much shame I felt for loving her.

So much loathing I experienced for hurting her while we made love.

So much hate for myself that I nearly killed her with our child.

Then…

We became equals.

We created a life, half her and half me.

We have a family of our own.

Adversity was overcome, though not without distress.

And now…

Love.  Happiness.  Unhindered joy.

It was all worth the price.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Breathe - Anberlin
This is surrender
To a war torn life I’ve lived
Scars and stripes forever
In need of change I can't resist


No need to hide anything anymore
Can’t return to who I was before


I can finally breathe
Suddenly alive
I can finally move
The world feels revived


This long of a struggle
Finally opened up my eyes
Revolutions not easy
With a civil war on the inside


No need to hide anything anymore
Can’t return to who I was before


I can finally breathe
Suddenly alive
I can finally move
Cause I realize

Bella, my love, for this final entry, I address it directly to you.  When this journal began, it was a creative outlet for me and a place to release my thoughts.  I have other journals with your name scrawled across the pages, but I find that this is the most special to me.  I could find meaning in any love song because, truly, I love you in every way possible, but it was still enjoyable to write this handful of specific pieces in your book as they struck my mood or applied to our circumstances at the time.

In a way, this journal can be a timeline for you.  In other ways, it may serve as a compass, showing you how my heart was always pointing toward you, for you, my wife, are my personal True North.  Denying that was in vain.

Thank you for never giving up on me, even when you were a “weak” human.  While you may not have been any match for my physical strength, your faith and perseverance were far greater than mine.  We would not be where we are today if it were not for you.  I owe you my life.

Happy First Anniversary, love.  You are my life - now and forevermore. 

~*~*~*~*~*~

Bella sits silently for a few minutes after closing the journal.  She needs time to absorb and appreciate all her husband’s thoughts and sentiments.  If it were possible, she loves him even more than she already had.

“Tell me what you’re thinking,” he asks, rubbing his hands up and down her biceps.  “I need to know.”

He tries to place a chaste kiss on her cheek, but she turns in his arms before he has the opportunity.

“Can’t I show you instead?” she asks somewhat playfully, but her voice gives away her deeply romantic mood.

Edward agrees, and Bella begins her task.  She strips them both of all their clothing, and then she straddles her husband’s lap.  With her hands on either side of his face and her forehead pressed against his, she closes her eyes and lifts her shield.  Bella thinks of Edward’s beautiful words and how they affected her.  She reflects on the sweetest moments and kisses him when she remembers the entries from difficult times in their relationship.  Edward revels in the love his wife has for him, and he cannot resist flipping Bella onto her back and making love to her for hours.

Bella’s shield slips back over her mind, given the immense distraction of her husband’s knowing and talented body, but it is no longer necessary.  Their bond runs deeper than a few shared memories.

When the sun rises the next day, they grudgingly part and set off to the Cullen mansion from their wooded cottage.  They arrive in time to greet their precious daughter as she sits down for breakfast, and as they gaze upon her – the living proof of their love – they hold one another tighter.

Each year on their anniversary, Bella and Edward seclude themselves from their family and bring out Edward’s old journal.  Together they read it from cover to cover.  It was a silly thing to do when each and every word in that book is already seared into their infallible minds, but it is the tradition that holds a special place in their hearts.

They have kept more journals and added other songs to their collection whenever something felt worthy, and each year, they read those as well.

Even after a thousand years together and just as many reads of that old book, the ritual never became boring or undesirable.  Time has passed, lives have been lived, eras have begun and ended, and music of the past millennium has been forgotten.  Through it all, their love has grown.  Through it all, they have remembered.

~*~*~*~*~*~

No comments:

Post a Comment