Chapter 20
Songs: My Sundown by Jimmy Eat World
“Oh god, Jake, I’m sorry,” I stammered.
I watched as his eyes raked over my body. Not in the sexual way he usually did, but with an angry, disapproving scowl.
“You fucked him,” he said flatly. It did not escape my notice that his fists were clenched at his sides or that the vein in his neck looked like it was about to explode.
I couldn’t respond, and I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. That was all the answer he needed.
A loud thump snapped my attention back to him, and I saw that he had punched the doorframe. He withdrew his fist and rubbed it with his other hand. A brief wince passed over his face, but was quickly overtaken by a look of fury.
“How long have you been cheating on me?” he asked.
I shook my head back and forth quickly as I spoke. “I haven’t been. I swear, Jake!”
“Wow, that’s even better,” he snarled. “I tell you that I love you, and you run off and screw some random stranger!”
“No! It wasn’t like that!” I protested. How could I have done this to him?
“What does that even mean?” he shouted, throwing his hands up in frustration.
I grabbed his arm and pulled him inside my apartment. “Quiet! I have neighbors.”
Once inside, I noticed he was still rubbing his fist, so I went to the kitchen to make him an ice pack. I handed it to him, but couldn’t hold his eyes. He was clearly hurting and I was the one responsible for that.
“What are you even doing here?” I asked after an awkward silence.
“Tell me who that guy was first.”
“He’s someone I knew before we started dating,” I sighed. “I swear that I didn’t go out looking for anyone when I…left your house. I went to a bar and I was too drunk to drive, so he drove my car back for me. Don’t give me that look! He was just being a friend and it just sort of happened.”
He huffed at me and rolled his eyes. I know I deserved any negative reaction he would have, but that didn’t make it any more pleasant. “Yeah, I bet his dick just fell in…just sort of happened…fuck,” he muttered quietly.
I went on despite his bitter ranting. “I know it sounds cliché, but I promise you it wasn’t planned. There’s a lot of history there I don’t want to get into, but things are just…complicated. Jake, I never should have done that to you, but I have to be honest with you about something.”
“What?” he mumbled in a low voice.
“Whether that had happened or not, I knew it was the end…for us,” I whispered the last two words. “I’m sorry. I never, ever intended to hurt you, but I can’t give you what you need.”
“You’re exactly what I need!” he interrupted. “You are what I want, or at least what I did want. Now I don’t even know. What did I do wrong?” he asked, looking tired and defeated.
I took a step toward him. “You didn’t do anything wrong. You are amazing and you have been better to me than I ever deserved. I just…I don’t feel the way you do.”
“But you could,” he said soft and earnestly. “I love you.”
“No, I couldn’t,” I shamefully admitted. “I like you a lot, Jacob, but we weren’t heading in the same direction. You deserve to be with someone who can give you what you want. Don’t lower yourself to begging a girl who just…did what I did.”
“I don’t understand, Bella.”
“Neither do I. Please believe me when I tell you I would have loved to be the right one for you, but I’m not. I know that you could make me so happy – you already have – but you should be with someone who can make you happy in return…someone who can love you back.”
Looking completely heartbroken, he collapsed into one of the chairs at my kitchen table and I followed suit in another. I pulled my feet up to the seat and glanced at his sullen face.
“Why did you come?” I asked quietly.
“When I realized you were gone earlier, I tried to call you, but your phone was off.” He eyed me skeptically as if to say he knew I turned it off when I left his house…which was true. “So I came here first to see if you came home and then I drove to Rosalie’s. She wasn’t there, so I went to Felix’s house. Rosalie showed up while I was still talking to him and she said she couldn’t get a hold of you. She called some of your other friends and your parents to see if they’d heard from you, but no one knew where you were.
“After that, I just started driving around and checking at the bars we usually go to. I finally gave up and went back to my house. Part of me hoped that you would have gone back there after you had some time to cool off, but I knew it was wishful thinking. I eventually decided to check here again since it was late. I was so relieved to see your car here, but imagine my surprise when I saw another guy walking out of my girlfriend’s apartment! Then I see how you’re dressed and…”
I was ashamed of myself. Not for sleeping with Edward, but for my rash behavior that caused Jacob to have such a stressful night. He had opened himself up to me, and I panicked. Not only that, I left his house with no explanation, and all my friends were worried about me.
Everything was a royal mess and it was all my fault.
“Jake, I cannot tell you how sorry I truly am. I know that you have no reason to forgive me, but I needed to say it. I really wanted us to work, and I’m sorry we couldn’t.”
“I need to go home,” he said without responding to me. His eyes were red and I noticed uncharacteristic dark circles beneath them.
I stood and walked Jacob to the door. He stared down at me for a full minute, but I stayed silent. I was completely shocked when he pulled me into a hard hug and abruptly released me. Without a word, he left my home and stepped into the black night.
The weight of my day collapsed upon me, and I fell into my bed in a fit of hot, heavy, endless tears. Sleep quickly claimed me, and when my alarm went off for work, I knew I couldn’t go. I called in from my house phone and told my director that I was ill. I fell back asleep easily and didn’t wake up until it was almost noon.
After peeling myself out of bed, I went to the kitchen and chugged two glasses of water. I took a long, scalding hot shower and then put on Edward’s tee shirt again. I dug through my dresser until I found the boxer shorts he had given me so many months ago, and I put those on as well.
Curling up on my couch, I turned my cell phone on for the first time since leaving Jacob’s house last night. I groaned when I saw the insane number of phone calls, voicemails and texts that were awaiting me. I called my parents first and told them I was fine and copped out by sending Rosalie a text message saying I would call her later. I didn’t mention that I was skipping work.
Alone in my apartment, I really started to process things.
I had hurt Jacob far more than I ever intended. I knew that breaking up with him would be a very difficult thing to do, but having him see Edward here made it all so much worse. I hated the fact that he thought I’d been cheating on him, as much as I hated the truth that I slept with someone else hours after he confessed his love to me. He looked so destroyed when he left last night, and I was at fault. All he did was love me, and I ripped his heart to shreds. With everything he did for me after James, he deserved better. He deserved something I couldn’t give.
Selfishly, I also worried what this would do to our group. Garrett would still be my friend, but it would be impossible for us to all hang out anymore. It would be awkward in and of itself, but if Jake told them about Edward, I wasn’t sure I would be welcome in that circle any longer. My best friend dating one of Jake’s best friends only made things worse.
I had no idea what to do. The whole situation was heartbreaking even if it was my decision.
Then, of course, there was Edward. I had resigned myself to the idea that we could not talk anymore regardless of my status with Jacob. How could I possibly stay away? Would he? Could he?
Being with Jacob for the past three months really was great, but it also served as a buffer for ending things with Edward. It was my opportunity to do right by both men. It was my portal back into regular dating. It was my motivation to stay strong and not fall back into Edward. All that time I still thought about him and cared for him; it was something I couldn’t change.
Last night was a torturous coincidence at karaoke night. Edward was there for me when I needed someone to lean on outside of my usual circle of friends. I didn’t mean for anything to happen between us, but it was too easy to be comfortable with him and fall back into our old ways. Add in three months of sexual tension and true feelings surfacing and we were both hopeless.
I had no idea how to stay away from Edward, especially now. I told him we couldn’t go back and that we shouldn’t talk. I could only hope that he would be stronger than me and not call. I wanted him to call, but I needed him to stay away. I wasn’t sure I had the willpower to do the right thing anymore, not after everything he said. My stomach rolled with anxiety and sadness at those thoughts.
The more I pored over everything, the worse it became. I was dangerously close to having another panic attack. I wasn’t quite sure what had triggered their return, but I didn’t like it. Perhaps it was stress at work or the near constant fear I had been having for the last month about Jacob and his feelings.
Yesterday had been a difficult day. I felt myself getting really worked up about my new student at school. If I were not able to leave when I did, I might have broken down then. I very nearly had an attack after Jacob’s confession, which is part of the reason I had to leave. I really did have one with Edward, and another one was possibly coming.
The more I thought about Edward, Jacob and likely attacks, the more upset I became. The more upset I became, the more I over thought things in an attempt to not over think things. I was stuck in a whirlpool of emotion and the downward spiral was inescapable.
I felt tears well up in my eyes and my breathing became erratic. My ears pounded and I felt as if I could hear my heartbeat in my ears.
My world was spinning out of control. I had nothing to hold on to anymore. In less than twenty-four hours, my life had become an enormous mess. I was lost and could not be found. For the first time ever, I didn’t feel like I could talk to my best friend about this, so I sought out my very first best friend instead. I picked up my phone and dialed.
“Bella! Where have you been?” he bellowed.
“Emmett,” I sobbed, but there were no tears. They had dried as quickly as they came and were replaced with a painful tightening in my chest.
“Hey! What’s going on? Are you okay?” he asked quickly. I could almost imagine my cousin stiffening in his chair and the look of concern that would be on his face.
I sniffed as the words came out strangled and weak. “I…don’t…know…what I’m…doing anymore.”
“It’s all right, Bella. I’m here. You’ve gotta talk to me if you want me to help,” he said with a strong authoritative air.
“Can you just…talk about something…for a minute?” I pleaded.
“Okay. Well, things are going great at the club…”
I listened as intently as I could manage, and eventually the throbbing sensation in my ears faded away. I was calmer than I had been, but my body still trembled like I was cold. I also had an awful headache.
“I think I’m okay now,” I told him.
“All right then, spill it, Swan.”
So I did. I started at the beginning – when I dumped James and how Jacob and I got involved. Emmett already knew a lot about Jake, but I had never given him as many specifics or details as I was now. I told him about the night I met Edward, the connection I felt to him, and how our relationship had progressed from there.
Emmett knew I had been involved with people other than Jacob, but I always ghosted over the Edward situation. To say he was disappointed in me for getting involved with a married man was an understatement, and for the first time, I felt true shame for all of it.
He didn’t receive all the salacious details about the guys that Rosalie always heard, but the story I told him was definitely the uncut, unabridged version.
I told him about juggling different guys, the differences in my feeling for them, and the conflict over being “the other woman.” I detailed the day Jacob asked me to be exclusive and the subsequent goodbye with Edward. Despite his disapproval of the circumstances, he was very understanding about the emotional turmoil it created.
Then I gave him my account of the last twenty-four hours. All the conversations and emotions were fresh in my mind, so it was easy to relay what I was feeling properly. Emmett listened patiently as I went over every moment, even though I was doing some self-analysis in the process.
When I felt that my long story was finally complete, I waited quietly for his response. It came without hesitation.
“I booked a flight while you were talking. I’ll be in Seattle tomorrow.”
“Emmett! You do not have to come up here just because I’m upset. Talking to you has already calmed me down so much,” I protested. I would love to see him, but it felt so unnecessary to waste money on a flight for me.
He laughed at my response, but I didn’t understand why until he spoke again.
“I’m not coming for a visit, Belly Button. I’m coming to get you. You’re moving to L.A.”
“W-w-what?” I stuttered in absolute disbelief. “That’s ridiculous! I can’t just move to Los Angeles!”
“And just why not?” he challenged. There was no humor in his tone this time.
“Well fuck, because I don’t have a job, a place to live, or enough money saved to cover a move like that. And I can’t just leave. I have work and my friends and…it’s just crazy!”
“I beg to differ. Crazy is staying in a town you hate and working at a job that has no future. Crazy is your dead end lifestyle and your completely fucked up love life. I know it’s harsh, but it’s time to grow the fuck up and do something with your life. You’re twenty-five years old!”
“How am I supposed to start over when I have no money to do so?” I yelled. I wasn’t mad at him for being so blatantly honest with me; I was mad because everything he said was true.
“Bella,” he said softly now. “Would I drag your ass down here and just leave you hanging? I’ve got a job for you – a good job – but we can talk about that when I get there. And since I’ll be your employer, I will cover your moving expenses. It’s a very common practice. As far as a place to live goes, you can stay with me until we get things established for you. It’s really not a big deal.”
“Emmett,” I started, but I could see there was no argument for his case. I could try flat out refusal, but I didn’t see it working at all. Emmett, like myself, was very stubborn…and persuasive.
Los Angeles…could I just pick up and move to California on a whim? The more I thought about it, the more I could understand my cousin’s reasoning. I really couldn’t think of any reason to stay in Washington aside from Rosalie and my parents. I would miss them, but leaving the state didn’t have to mean losing them forever. They loved me and in time, they would understand why I had to go. It wouldn’t be easy, but I would have Emmett…and Uncle Carlisle, I suppose. Maybe a clean break, a fresh start, and a little sunshine were exactly what I needed.
“I take it you’ve finally realized how brilliant I am?” Emmett quipped in response to my silence.
I drew in a deep breath and released it loudly into the phone. “Let’s do it!”
“Bella’s moving to L.A.!” he shouted, and I had to hold my cell away from my ear. I laughed out loud at his excitement and the mental picture of him doing a fist pump. “I can’t wait to tell Jasper we’re getting a new roommate. Woo hoo!”
“All right, Em, I’m going to start packing, I guess. When will you be in tomorrow?”
“I’ll get in midmorning. I’m going to stop and see Mom, and then I’ll come down to take you and your parents to dinner,” he replied quickly. “And don’t you dare tell them before that! I want to see their faces when you make the big announcement! Oh, and go quit your job!”
I laughed again at the way he practically sang his final thoughts.
“Okay, I’ll do that. I’ll see you tomorrow. Love you!”
I continued to giggle as I hung up the phone and fell backwards onto my bed.
“I’m moving to L.A.!” I called out to my empty apartment.
. . . . . . . . . .
Making arrangements to move was possibly more of a pain than actually moving. My landlord agreed to let me break my lease for a reasonable penalty fee. It was better than paying for several more months of rent, so I took it. I also had utilities to cancel, mail to forward and on Thursday, I would give my notice at work. In between all the phone calls to take care of those things, I arranged dinner with my parents Thursday evening and made plans with Rosalie for tonight. I phoned the bar and told my boss I was moving. I would finish off with my shifts this week, though. He agreed not to say anything to Rose if he spoke to her since I had not told her about the move yet. I had a short amount of time to start sorting my things to be packed, and then it was time to meet my best friend for dinner.
She greeted me with a hug and a smile, but the tension was thick between us. She was understandably upset that I hadn’t spoken to her since before I went to Jacob’s house yesterday. I was hesitant to rehash all the details for the second time that day, but it had to be done.
“I don’t understand, Bella,” she said when I got to the part about my dash from Jacob’s house. “Jake is really good to you. And good for you. Why would you do that?”
“Don’t you think I know that?” I defended. “He was a great boyfriend, but our feelings are on completely different levels. You can’t force that kind of thing! Hearing him say that just freaked me out and I knew I couldn’t say it back.”
“That was still totally shitty of you, not to mention how worried you had all of us!” she said harshly. “Wait, was your boyfriend? You broke up with him?”
“Umm…yes?” I answered hesitantly.
“Shit, Bella. All right, spill it.”
“I will, just promise you’ll listen and not freak out on me. I know that you really like me and Jacob together, but don’t be biased. Things got really complicated when I left his house last night…”
I told Rosalie how I drove around aimlessly and eventually stopped at the luau bar. She laughed at the irony, but was not amused when I told her Edward showed up and found me there. She actually accused me of calling him, but eventually accepted that it was purely coincidental.
“Fine, but you slept with him, didn’t you?” she spat. I finally snapped.
“Rosalie Lillian Hale! You are my best friend and right now I need you to be a little more understanding! You’re not going to like much of what I have to say, but you asked for the details and I’m giving them to you. Please just hear me out because you know how confusing the Edward situation has been for me, and you know that I did try with Jacob. I know that this affects you, too, but right now we’re dealing with my feelings, not yours.”
When I stopped, there were tears in her eyes and I immediately apologized for coming across so harshly.
“No, you’re right. I’m being totally selfish and judgmental. I just want you to be happy, and I really thought Jake could be that guy for you. I hate seeing you hurt, Bella. I don’t want that for you anymore.”
I passed her an extra napkin to dry her tears. She insisted I continue my story.
Edward at the bar, back at my apartment, the accidental on purpose sex, the I love you, the emotional fuckery, the woeful goodbye and finally, the Jacob confrontation.
She listened. She didn’t berate me for what happened. She was my best friend and she supported me like a good BFF should. It was exactly what I needed.
“So what happens now?” she asked, giving my hand she’d been holding a squeeze.
Shit. I knew this moment would come, but I had no clue how to tell her. I was certain that she would take it hard. The best thing to do was jump right in with the truth.
“Well, that’s the thing…I called Emmett earlier and told him about everything. Okay, not everything. He definitely did not receive all the sexy time details like you, but I started from the beginning of Jacob and Edward. And he was…Emmett. He listened and helped me make sense of everything.”
“I’m really glad he helped you,” she smiled.
“Umm, yeah, about that…” I started nervously. “We talked for a really long time about everything and…I’ve decided that I’m going to L.A.”
Rosalie scowled. “So what, you’re taking your vacation early? That’s no fair! You were supposed to go with me this summer,” she whined.
“Not a vacation,” I mumbled, looking down at my iced tea glass.
“What?”
“I said it’s not a vacation,” I answered a little louder. “I’m moving there.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” she said loud enough to draw the attention of pretty much everyone in the restaurant. I turned toward the hostess station and saw the manager scowling at us.
Tears were welling up in my eyes. “Rose, please.”
“When?” she asked curtly.
“Emmett’s flying up tomorrow to help me pack and hire a moving company.”
“So you’re going soon?”
“As soon as possible.”
Her fist hit the table, rattling our plates and glasses. “I can’t believe you’re doing this to me!”
“Come with me, Rose,” I offered suddenly. “It can be just like we always wanted. We’ll go together and start fresh. I’m sure Emmett would at least give you a bartending job. We could finally get out of here.”
“Unlike you, I’m not crazy. I can’t just pick up and move to California on a whim. My family is here and so is Felix,” she huffed.
I could tell by the firm set of her jaw that I wasn’t getting anywhere with her. I could read Rosalie like a book, and for whatever reason, she wouldn’t budge.
“Think about it?”
“I’ll come visit, I guess,” she said with a resigned sigh.
“Let’s go home.”
She was as upset as I expected her to be. I sincerely wished I could convince her to take this leap with me, but she refused over and over with a variety of reasons. I prefer to call them excuses. Most likely she was afraid of change and the separation from her family. I was not so unfamiliar with fear of the unknown.
I was certain that Felix weighed heavily on her sense of obligation as well. That was the saddest part to me because I was almost certain that a break up was imminent in the near future. Things had been getting progressively worse with them, but there was little I could do or say about it. Neither of them had the same happy, loving demeanor that they used to, which broke my heart considering what they went through to be together. I loved Rosalie and I really liked Felix a lot, but I had never been convinced they would last forever. His confrontational nature was a little too well matched for hers. Rosalie needed someone to balance her strong personality, not a man who she was constantly battling for domination in the relationship. But I kept most of my opinions to myself because they were still together. I shared with Rose when things concerned me, but I wasn’t about to give her an editorial on her relationship. Those were details for her to sort through and figure out for herself. She was a smart girl who could hold her own. I had no doubt she would make the right decision in the long run. If those two could work it out, I gave them my blessing. I still wanted her to come to L.A. with me, though.
Rosalie was nice enough to come back to my apartment and spend the night. She helped me work on my sorting and packing, and we decided what clothes, furniture and household items of mine she would take. I really had no interest in taking excessive amounts of things with me to California, only to have them end up in storage indefinitely.
Our conversations lightened as we worked, but I could tell she was very upset and sad that I was leaving her. I hated to leave my best friend behind, but this was what I needed to do – for my sanity and my future. I held out hope that maybe someday she would change her mind and join me in L.A.
I see it around me
I see it in everything
I could be so much
More than this
I said my goodbyes
This is my sundown
I'm gonna be so much
More than this
With one hand high
You'll show them your progress
You'll take your time
But no one cares
No one cares
I see it in everything
I could be so much
More than this
I said my goodbyes
This is my sundown
I'm gonna be so much
More than this
With one hand high
You'll show them your progress
You'll take your time
But no one cares
No one cares
Jimmy Eat World
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