Jasper POV
A warm body pressed against mine, rousing me from my sleep. Without opening my eyes, I knew it was my Bella. Her sweet honey fragrance invaded my nostrils with each breath I took. I hummed appreciatively, wrapping my arms around her a little tighter to hold her close to me. My morning “friend” rested against her backside, giving her an anxious hello.
My head ached a bit, but the way she invaded my senses overpowered that slight discomfort. Keeping her back against my chest and our legs tangled, my hand began to wander absentmindedly. My palm smoothed over her arms, trailing down her side, over soft curves, and across her firm thighs. Many paths were taken as the back of my fingers stroked her cheek, fingertips caressed her delicate neck, and a splayed hand massaged her breasts.
Somewhere in my reverie, my mind registered that this was the first morning we had ever woken up together, and it was blissful. She wriggled and breathed in short gasps, slowly waking up as I paid homage to her body, her ass consequently stroking my erection.
Without thinking twice, I rolled her to me, shifting to hover over her. It was the first time I had opened my eyes since waking, and all I could see were sparkling brown eyes and a breathtaking smile. Positioning myself quickly, I rubbed against her to ensure she was ready. Her slick heat was my confirmation, and I guided myself into her sweet heaven.
We rocked together slowly, and though it felt amazing to me, she was practically silent. Peering into her eyes, I realized that she now looked distressed, a complete change from that smile I had seen moments earlier. I stilled my movements.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, stroking her cheek with my thumb.
“Are you still asleep? Look around!” she whisper-yelled hoarsely.
Turning my attention to the bed and room we were in, I finally understood. We were not in my apartment. This was not my bed.
Foggy memories of the previous night flooded my mind. Drinking with Bella and Alice. Coming back to the apartment with them. Alice’s wicked suggestion that I was far too gone to pass up. The indescribably amazing sort-of-threesome.
“Oh god…did we really…?” I trailed off nervously.
Bella bit her lip and nodded in response to my unfinished question.
“Where’s Alice?” I asked, my eyes darting around the room.
“Shower.”
“Fuck…” I grumbled. I tried to pull away so that we could get dressed, but Bella wrapped her arms and legs around me, holding my body in place.
With a lift of her hips, she begged me to continue. “Please don’t stop. You feel so good. We’ll just have to go fast.”
Hesitating only for a moment and not giving myself time to consider the risk, I began rocking against her, pumping with insistent need. We bit back any cries that tried to escape our mouths, and for once, I was grateful that we both got off quickly.
Collecting my thoughts, I kissed her once and slid away so that we were no longer touching. It was the only way I could focus and think clearly. Coming back to reality, I knew we had to talk about last night.
“God, this is such a mess. How the fuck did that happen?” I asked, scrubbing my hands over my face.
“Good question,” she said sarcastically. “What do we do now?”
Taking a deep breath, I rolled to face her. “Nothing, Bella. We laugh it off as drunken craziness and stick to the plan to break up with her this weekend – after I leave.”
“Do you seriously think she’s going to react well when she finds out about us? Especially after that?” Her face was now panic-stricken.
She was right. This was awful, and we were both total assholes with essentially no self-control around one another. Our quickie just minutes before was proof of that fact. Still, we needed a plan, even if it made us even worse people than we already were. “Don’t tell her. We’re leaving town soon. She doesn’t need to know.”
Before she could protest, the bathroom door opened and Alice walked out. She stared blankly at us, presumably because we were still lying in bed together naked. I could see how that would seem strange to her.
“Uh, morning,” Bella mumbled, her cheeks flushing with color.
Alice’s response was devoid of emotion. “I’m going to make some coffee.” With that, she was out the door.
“I’m going to shower. You can use the guest bathroom,” Bella said. “Let’s just get through this.”
Fifteen minutes later, I walked into the kitchen just as Bella was sitting down at the island. I poured a cup of coffee, sitting two seats down from Bella. Alice stood across from us on the other side.
“Soooo…I think I could use another eight hours of sleep, huh?” I said uneasily, breaking the silence.
Bella hummed in agreement, but didn’t say anything.
“Oh, cut the shit. How long has this been going on?” Alice spat suddenly.
Face pale, Bella feigned confusion. “What are you talking about?”
“You two fucking! Do I need to spell it out? How. Long. Have. You. Been. Fucking?”
“Alice, last night got a little out of hand, but we were all really wasted,” I said defensively. She wasn’t wrong, but she didn’t need to know that. Things could only go downhill if the truth came out right now. “I’m sorry if you’re upset about it this morning, but that wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t suggest it.”
And I’m officially the biggest douche-fuck-lying-scum alive.
I watched, dumbfounded, as Alice raised her coffee cup by the handle and smashed it against the counter. It shattered, sending shards of ceramic and brown fluid all over the island and floor. Bella jumped out of her stool, slapping a hand over her mouth and whimpering. Unable to move, I sat stalk still and watched the scene unfold.
“Screw you both!” Alice shrieked, pointing a stiff finger at us. “Do you think I’m stupid? I honestly believed that you were just friends, but I was so blind! How did I miss this?”
I wanted to look at Bella, to check on her, but I couldn’t tear my eyes away from Alice and this carnage. She obviously did not believe our story, and this was going to get worse before it ever had hopes of getting better. Much worse.
“You!” she yelled, pointing at me again. “I bring you into my life, introduce you to my friends, and this is what you do?”
I cringed at the accusation. It was all true, which I already knew. It didn’t feel good to hear it aloud.
Regardless of the truth, I couldn’t acknowledge or affirm her words. Everything was happening so fast, and I was completely dumbstruck.
She turned on Bella, both with tears streaming down their cheeks. Alice’s were out of frustrated rage; Bella’s of horrified shame.
“I knew I shouldn’t have been with someone who fucked men. We never should have even dated, but I really thought you would be different. You’re a fucking joke, Bella, just like every other ‘bisexual.’” Her hands formed cynical air quotes as she rolled her eyes at the thought.
“Alice, listen,” Bella began, but Alice would not allow her to speak.
“No! I won’t listen to you! To either of you! You’re liars and cheaters and I hate you both!” she shrieked. I silently hoped that their neighbors were not home to hear all of this. “I want you to admit it. Say it out loud. Say that you are both despicable cheaters!”
“Alice!” I shouted, unable to deal with what she was doing to Bella any longer. “You need to chill the fuck out.” I lowered my voice, trying in vain to bring some calm to the situation. “Why don’t we start with last night so you can explain how the fuck that happened, all right?”
She tried to protest, but after seeing what an inconsolable mess Bella was, she backed off and gave in to my request. It was clear that, despite all her anger and hurt, she felt a twinge of remorse for making Bella more upset.
“I don’t know!” she sobbed, her tears taking a sadder turn, accompanied by loud sniffles. “I was so drunk, and I just wanted to keep you smiling like that,” she directed to Bella. “You haven’t been yourself lately, but when we were dancing you just looked so…god, the look on your face being in the middle…It’s the stupidest idea I’ve ever had, but to see you let go and so turned on was…beautiful.”
Bella’s tears turned silent, but shaky sobs still wracked her body. With one hand over her mouth, her shoulders bounced up and down, making her appear haggard and weak.
“At first, it was exactly what I hoped for. It didn’t even matter that you were with someone else because you were so into it, and everything happened so fast. I wanted to let go with you and enjoy seeing you like that. We’ve been so disconnected lately, and I would do anything to make you happy.”
It was apparent that this was getting more difficult for Alice. Her words were broken and lacked her normal eloquence. She wasn’t the bubbly, optimistic woman we both knew. This person was defeated, depressed, and heartbroken.
All I could do was watch it unfold like a deer caught in the headlights.
What had we done? I wanted to blame someone for this epic mess. I wanted to blame Alice for buying those first shots and suggesting that damn threesome. I wanted to blame Bella for staying with Alice for weeks and weeks after she said she would leave. I wanted to blame myself for not having the willpower to walk away the moment I discovered that Bella was Alice’s girlfriend.
My wants were pointless. We were all to blame. Each of us had made mistakes, and the chain of events that led us here no longer mattered. We could not change what we had done; we could only move forward.
I sat in continued silence as Alice spoke again, my stomach in tight, painful knots born of guilt and stress.
“I didn’t want to believe it when I realized. I tried to convince myself that it was just the booze and the heat of the moment, but I knew what I was seeing.” She rubbed her hands over her face, shoving tiny fists into her eyes to stop tears or quench her anger, I couldn’t tell. “You were too comfortable, too familiar. It wasn’t a woman who hasn’t been with a man in years or a guy being cautious about safety or an audience. I saw lovers, not drunk friends.”
“Then why did you let it keep going?” Bella shouted suddenly. Her words made me jump at the surprise.
“I don’t know!” Alice exclaimed, burying her face in her hands. “Maybe a part of me knew I was losing you, and I wanted one last good thing together.”
We all sat in silence as the minutes ticked by. No one really met anyone else’s eyes as the moments passed, each becoming more awkward than the last.
“I need you guys to admit it,” Alice eventually whispered. “Just say it out loud.”
Bella whimpered, as if in pain, but I shook my head at her.
“Please,” Alice begged.
The crumbling expression on Bella’s face told me she was giving in. “It’s true,” she said almost inaudibly.
“How long?” Alice asked unemotionally.
Now that it was out there, I didn’t hesitate going to Bella to comfort her. I stood behind her, wrapping my arms around her shaking form and trying to take away some of the pain and stress.
“A while,” I answered for us.
“When?” Alice pressed through a ferocious locked jaw.
“After my trip,” Bella answered. “I didn’t know how to tell you.” Her voice was quivering so much that I could barely believe she’d gotten the words out at all.
“I trusted you! I trusted both of you!” Alice yelled, her volume rising again. “Get out! Get out!”
“Ali…”
“No! I want you both the fuck out of my home! You want to be together? Go be together somewhere else!” Tears returned with a force that must have been blinding, but she didn’t push them away. When she stood, looking as dangerous as an angry bear, I pulled Bella to her feet and toward the door. “I hate you both! I hate you for this, Bella! I knew you would do this to me. I knew this would happen when you got tired of playing lesbian. Now get out of my apartment you fucking slut!”
Bella tried to protest, but no words came. She was falling apart in my arms, and I needed to get her away from this train wreck immediately.
Scooping her up off the stool, I carried her out to my car, grateful that I met the girls here last night before walking with them to the nearby restaurant. After gently placing her in the passenger seat, I kissed her forehead and went back into the building. Once inside the apartment, I went to the bedroom and found Bella’s purse, jacket, and a pair of running shoes. Before I could get back to the hall, Alice was in front of me, pounding her tiny fists on my chest, screaming curses and words of loathing.
“I’m sorry,” I said softly before sidestepping and making my way back to the car.
………………….
This was a mess. A fucking mess. Alice knew, Bella was a basket case, and oh god, I had touched Alice. What the hell was wrong with me? Bella wanted me to do it, so I did, but it was still a little crazy to think that I had gotten two women off at the same time. The college version of myself would be patting me on the back right now, but shit, I’m not a kid anymore and this wasn’t some random hook-up after a kegger. This was my bisexual lover and her lesbian girlfriend doing things while I watched, and then me doing things to both of them…me and Bella doing things to Alice together…Alice watching us fuck…Bella going down on Alice while I fucked her…
Shit.
No alcohol again. Ever. Sign me up for AA.
Hell if that wasn’t hot, though.
I couldn’t deny it. As much as I wanted to despise that entire experience, I was having a hard time. It was every man’s fantasy brought to life on a king size bed. That whole experience was absolutely out of control, but controlling myself was not a possibility once we were in the thick of it. Seeing Bella so unhinged, caught up in such unadulterated ecstasy was beautiful and hot and my complete undoing.
It was then that I realized how alike Alice and I truly were. We would both do anything for the woman we loved, even if it meant sharing her.
Whoa, wait. Back the fuck up…
Woman we loved…
Did I? Could I?
How could I not?
What started as lust the night at the museum turned into a unique friendship and kinship. Though wracked with sexual tension, that time laid the foundation for our relationship. It gave us the opportunity to learn about and understand one another. Since we got together, sex had definitely become a regular part of our time, but it wasn’t everything. It was an expression of our need for one another and the feelings we shared, but it was not the reason we were together. Months had passed in the cumulative duration of our relationship. It wasn’t an unfathomable way to feel.
God, yes, I love her. I wasn’t sure that I was ready to verbalize it at this time, yet it was still there, lying beneath the surface and growing stronger with each day. We had already shared our feelings in other ways – we were willing to break up her three-year relationship and she was moving to a new city with me. We were in it for the long haul.
This just didn’t seem like the right time for that kind of declaration. We had a lot of turmoil to deal with first.
Bella was silent on the drive to my apartment, save for a few sniffles and sobs along the way. She looked so fragile curled up in the seat with her head resting against the window. I knew it couldn’t be a comfortable position, but I did not interrupt whatever she was thinking. She needed to deal with what happened in her own way, and then we could figure out how to make it right together.
A horrible fear struck me as I drove. Bella was extremely upset by what had occurred. Having Alice find out this way was…there just were not words for this kind of situation. In so many ways, it was like a bad sitcom, but without any of the humor. Only real life could be this unbelievable. My mouth grew dry as I considered the possibility of Bella freaking out and leaving me. I wasn’t sure, but I didn’t believe she would go back to Alice. She might just be guilt-ridden enough to abandon both of us. In a way, I knew I deserved to be left alone and heartbroken after what I had done, but I clung to the hope that she would see the potential for our relationship and stick with me.
I began formulating a plan in my mind. Things I would say to Bella if she thought she should leave me. Things I would do to stop her if she tried. There was absolutely no way I could let her go. I needed this woman like I needed air and water. She was beautiful and kind, an inspiration, a muse, and the single person I had ever known who truly understood me. I had known many other artists and my fair share of women over the years, but none ever had the power over me that Bella possessed. No one in the history of my life had made me think the things she did or aspire to be the kind of man she made me want to be.
No, there was absolutely no way I could allow her to leave me. I didn’t know for sure if she would try or if it was just my own fear creating such possibilities in my mind, but I would never, ever allow it.
“Say something,” I pleaded softly as we neared my apartment. This kind of homecoming should be a grand celebration, not a time for mourning. She was finally coming with me to my home – our home – and I needed it to be a good thing.
“What am I supposed to say?” she wailed. “How am I supposed to feel right now, Jasper?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know, but we’re together. Doesn’t that count for something?”
A humorless laugh fell from her lips. “I…I’m the most terrible person in the world.”
“You’re the farthest thing from that,” I insisted. “Stop thinking that way because it’s not true.”
Our conversation paused when I pulled into the parking area. We exited the car in silence, and when she reached for her personal items, I took them from her. I wrapped my free arm around her body and guided her toward our new life.
Once we made it through the door, I dropped everything just inside the doorway and hugged her. I kept her body close to mine, hoping that by holding her this way she would feel and understand my unspoken love and support. I didn’t expect her to be happy right now, but I needed her to be with me – mentally and physically.
I guided her toward my – our – bedroom and pulled back the blankets on the bed. Standing face to face, I lifted her onto the mattress and removed her jeans. She tried to protest, obviously misunderstanding my intentions, so I silenced her while I finished my task. After tossing my pants on the floor next to hers, I moved us back into a comfortable position and tugged the blankets around us in a warm, tight cocoon. Wrapping my arms, legs, and heart around this beautiful woman, I gave myself to her. I submitted my life and future to this person I could no longer live without. She was mine. She had to be mine.
I waited. And waited.
I ran my hands over her body reverently, feeling each slope and curve that I had already memorized but still needed to touch. My intentions were not to seduce her, though she shivered under my hands several times. With each sweep of my fingertips on her cheeks and neck, I communicated unspoken words of devotion. Every time my breath fanned across her skin, I laid my life down at the altar of Bella, a sacrifice in hope of her love. When I held her against me and felt her chest rise and fall, it was done in an act of worship.
If my arms could soothe her or if my presence could mend her broken heart, I would give her anything. I didn’t need sex; I just needed to hold her. Always.
Still, I waited, and finally, she spoke to me.
“Do you want to know what the worst part is?” She answered her question without waiting for my reply. “I wanted that so bad. It was incredible. It was the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. I had both of you with me, both of you loving me, both of you for me to touch and please. I loved it. Every single moment, Jasper.” The more she went on, the more self-deprecating her tone became. “All I could think about was how good it felt. It was so incredibly selfish of me. I used you. How can you not hate me for that? It was…I knew you wouldn’t want her, and I knew she wouldn’t want you, but I still did it. I forced it. Being drunk didn’t matter. I just wanted both of you and that is what makes me such a heinous excuse for a girlfriend!”
I allowed her a few minutes for the tearless sobs against my chest. She clung to me so tightly, burying her face in the crook of my neck in such a way that I thought she might be trying to crawl into me and hide. Through it all, I held onto her.
“I’m never letting go,” I whispered into her hair, despite my words being somewhat out of context. I simply needed her to know. “I’m here. You dismantle me, Bella, but you’re also the only one who can repair me.”
She fell asleep a short time later, but it was a fitful slumber. When I loosened my grip, she tossed and turned, murmuring unintelligible words and frequently emitting little sobs or cries. I attempted to rest with her – God knows I needed it – yet sleep would not come to me. My mind was too consumed by everything that had happened and all the things she had said to me.
Little by little, I unwound our bodies and she eventually settled enough for me to crawl out of bed. I went into the room that housed all my art supplies and began to work. Blending gobs of paint, I created new, unique colors and smeared them across canvas in abstract lines. In silence, I created a cluster of dark hues and undefined forms. With each stroke, I questioned the placement, but relied on the rawness and vulnerability of my current emotional state to guide me. The finished product was strange and beautiful, mostly deep and dark, but with a single swirl of brightness. My hope.
Covered in paint and sweat, I stared at the newly decorated canvas for an immeasurable amount of time. There was no way to describe how or what it made me feel. All the answers were there in front of me. I had exorcised my demons and immediately felt their weight lifting. I breathed a heavy sigh of relief just as I felt a pair of narrow arms wrap around my waist and press her body against my back. Bella’s cheek rested between my shoulder blades, and she hummed in quiet acceptance.
For the moment, we were okay.
As I turned to her, I repeated the same words I had spoken our first time together. “I can’t let you go, Bella. I’ll never let you go.”
“Never,” she whispered back to me.
E/N: There was another nod to Anberlin, taken from their song Dismantle.Repair.
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