Outtake #4
EPOV
I love my wife, but I’m not in love with my wife. A part of me has always known, but I never admitted it to myself until now.
There was nothing wrong with her, really. She had always been a good friend to me, and she was certainly a wonderful mother to our son.
That’s what makes me the monumentally selfish prick that I am.
The first date night we had after I was with Bella again had started out well enough. We dropped Finn off with Carissa’s parents, and then went out for dinner and a movie. The problem arose when we returned home. We had opted for a late meal after the movie instead of before, and she had several drinks with dinner. By the time we finished, she had an obvious buzz and was ready to play. Try as I might, I could not get into it with her. My thoughts were still too preoccupied with Bella. I ended up bending my wife over the side of the bed and taking her from behind. I couldn’t look at her face while we made love; it just wasn’t the same anymore. I truly don’t believe she knew anything was off because after her orgasm, she turned to me with a smile and declared, “That was hot.”
See? Prick.
But it got worse.
I had an opportunity to get out of the house on Sunday, so I tried calling Bella several times. I never heard back from her. I was disappointed, but hoped that another opportunity would present itself soon. At the very least I would have liked to talk to her. I made a couple more attempts that week, but I didn’t hear from her until Thursday morning. I missed her first call, but we did manage to touch base later that evening.
To say I was frustrated by that point was an understatement. I thought we had shared a really great night together, but her absence left me questioning if she shared those feelings. It plagued my thoughts all week long, and when we finally spoke, my irritation broke free. She seemed…amused, which made me wonder what the hell I had gotten myself into with Bella. Regardless, I wanted to see her and we made plans for Sunday night.
Another date night came before that, and it was the same as the previous week. I was still attracted to Carissa, but it was no longer the same. Since experiencing Bella, she was the one I desired. She was the one I wanted pinned beneath me in bed. I wasn’t by any means thinking about ending my marriage, but there was a definitive shift in my perspective.
I knew it was foolish and wrong for me to carry on this way, but I didn’t want to stop. I had been very preoccupied with Bella sexually, but I truly did want to know her beyond that. I had female friends and acquaintances other than my wife, though all those relationships were superficial. I could tell you some of their interests and the names of their family members, but I didn’t really know any of them. None sparked my interest enough for deeper friendship, and frankly I never felt the need for female friendships…until I met Bella. My thoughts drifted back to the night we met and that pull that drew me to her. There was no logical explanation; my entire being simply demanded that Bella be in my life. No matter how hard I tried, I could not deny my need to spend more time with her.
By Sunday afternoon I was full of anxious energy for my meeting with Bella. A distraction was necessary to get me through the day, so I decided to take Finn to the park. We kicked the soccer ball around for a while, and then I let him play on the jungle gym with some other children who were there. On the car ride home he was uncharacteristically quiet. I tried to engage him in conversation, but he eventually revealed what was on his little mind.
“Daddy, what’s a divorce?” he asked earnestly.
I froze up and immediately began to panic. Does Carissa know something? Have I not been careful enough? Did someone see me with Bella?
I gulped uncomfortably and looked at him in the rearview mirror. “Why don’t you tell me where you heard that word and then Daddy can explain it to you.”
“Joshua told me his mommy and daddy are getting a divorce and now he has to go live in a different house and go to a different school.”
I felt relief immediately, but I still had to think of the best way to explain divorce to a six year old. I cleared my throat and gave it a shot.
“Well, sometimes daddies and mommies start to feel sad when they’re together, and sometimes when they’re sad for a really long time they decide not to live in the same house anymore. Divorce means they won’t be married anymore, and they won’t hug and kiss anymore.”
He looked very worried as he asked his next question. “Does that mean Joshua won’t get to see his dad anymore?”
“I don’t know,” I answered. “Sometimes kids only live with one parent after a divorce, but most of the time the kids live with their mom part of the time and their dad other days.”
“Will you and Mommy get a divorce? I don’t wanna live in a different house, Daddy!” His concerned words broke my heart and sent a fresh wave of guilt over me.
“Mommy and I love each other and we don’t have any plans to get a divorce, buddy. We’re a family and we both love you very much, okay?”
“Okay,” he nodded. “Are Papa Ed and Mimi Liz divorced? They’re your mommy and daddy and they live in different houses.”
I couldn’t believe I overlooked that detail when Finn first asked. “Yes, they got a divorce when I was a little boy, but they are both happy now and they both love you very much.” I didn’t include how difficult my childhood was on account of their divorce, but those were details Finn didn’t need to hear. I was just grateful that both of my parents were active in my son’s life. He deserved the love of both of his grandparents.
A few hours later I was with Bella on our way to Mike’s house. The implications of my son’s questions weighed heavily on my mind, but I blocked them out as much as I could. Conventional wisdom would suggest I stay away after that conversation with my son, but I could not find the will to do so. I still didn’t know what to make of this affair with Bella, and I wanted to make the most of our time together. In the last month this was only the third time I had seen her. I could hardly draw any conclusions about our situation just yet, nor did I have any idea how long this would continue.
What I did know was that I could hardly control myself when we got to Mike’s house. She looked incredible, and her scent brought forth vivid memories of our previous intimate moments. They say smell is the sense linked closest to memory, and she was no exception. Bella smelled like fresh lilacs with a hint of vanilla. It was a tantalizing combination – one I never would have considered before, but it suited her.
We exchanged pleasantries with Mike for a little while, but as soon as he was distracted I had to claim her. I took her hard and long, giving us both as much pleasure as I could. As we laid together talking afterward, I was completely enraptured. I relished each word and every touch. It felt so good to be close to her that way. We were giving of ourselves and learning about one another. It was the purest form of newborn infatuation and adoration. It was perfect until…
Until the moment I remembered my son’s words in the car that day.
“Will you and Mommy get a divorce?”
And then it all fell apart.
I panicked as the gravity of what we were doing hit me. I didn’t even know the last time Carissa and I laid in bed together and just talked and touched that way after sex. Normally we would both roll over and fall asleep. But with Bella I was feeling something different. Something I shouldn’t have. All the while my son was frightened that his family would be broken up just like his friend’s family. That was the worst guilt I felt since I met Bella.
I cut her off mid-sentence as I jumped out of the bed and redressed myself. I couldn’t even look her in the eyes. The confusion and hurt on her face was too much to bear.
I said awful things to her and implied awful things about her. I took what we shared and turned it into something ugly. It wasn’t me speaking to her, it was the fear. I was absolutely terrified that something might happen and I would lose my son. There was no way I could explain it to her. I simply could not lose Finn. I was certain I wouldn’t survive if that happened. It was too agonizing to justify the true reason, so instead I behaved like a complete jerk.
I upset Bella, and I earned everything she said to me. She didn’t deserve to be hurt for something that was my responsibility, but I still did it. I was completely ashamed of myself, but I could offer her nothing. Instead I stayed almost completely silent. When I tried to offer her something resembling an apology she simply cut me off. I deserved it.
I deserved Bella’s verbal beating. I deserved to shoulder Finn’s fear. I deserved the guilt I dealt with every day because of the mistakes of my past.
What I did not deserve was to have someone as amazing as Bella in my life, and she made it clear that she felt the same way.
“Please don’t call me again,” she said. And then I was alone.
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