Chapter 16
Song: Come Undone – Cavo (Duran Duran cover)
Sexy bitch, u coming? Need u 2 approve my outfit -R
OMW now. Chill. U always look hawt -B
My phone chirped a few moments later, alerting me of another text.
Dur, but ur opinion counts. Come stroke my ego -R
Whatever ur ass is fine -B
LOL ily. Get here fast -R
I pulled into Felix's driveway a few minutes later, but Jacob wasn't there yet. I knew that meant Rosalie and I had a few minutes to fawn over each other and make any last minute adjustments to our hair, make-up or clothes.
In the end, it wasn't necessary. Rose looked hot. I looked hot. We were ready to go.
When Jacob arrived, I was swept up into one of his off the ground, leg-dangling hugs.
“I've missed you,” he said with a sheepish smile before giving me a hot and delicious kiss.
I grabbed the back of his head and returned the kiss a little more passionately than I intended. I hadn't kissed anyone in six days, and I hadn't had any form of sex in just as long. For me, that's a frigging drought.
I rubbed my thighs together where I stood. Already, my body was anticipating the activities that were sure to come later that evening.
I think Jacob may have noticed my slight discomfort because he pulled back and gave me a soft tap on the bottom of my chin before kissing me once more and backing away.
We all piled into Felix's car and headed out to the movie theater. The movie was great, and the entire time, Jacob held my hand or affectionately rubbed small circles on my knee. Every time I would sneak a glance at him, he would smile back at me or give me a small kiss in return.
After the movie, we had dinner at my favorite mom and pop pizza joint where we laughed and joked, enjoying each other’s company. It was an all around pleasant night, and it felt good to have some low-key fun with my friends after being in the busy bar for two nights before.
When we got back to Felix’s house, we decided to have a guys-against-girls foosball match. Of course, Rose and I lost because we’re chicks and we don’t care nearly as much about that silly game as the guys do. We had some beers and hung out and laughed, and before I knew it, Jacob and I had both drank too much to drive anywhere.
Crashing at the house was no big deal. We had done it more times than I could even remember, and I knew Rosalie loved having me around the next day anyway.
I woke up in the morning to the bed shifting beneath me, and I saw Jacob putting on his boxers and tee shirt through the sleepy slits of my eyes. “Where you goin'?” I mumbled at him, too tired to form a proper phrase. I glanced at the clock and saw it was only six o’clock in the morning. We couldn't have slept more than three hours – not with our fun in the bed shortly before.
He spun around, clearly taken aback by the fact that I was awake. There was a look on his face I didn't recognize and he looked tired. Really tired.
“Go back to sleep, Bella. It's early,” he said without meeting my eyes.
“Jake?”
He picked up a condom wrapper from the floor and just kind of grunted to acknowledge me.
Okay, this is weird. Jacob wasn't normally so, I don't know, standoffish with me.
“Is something the matter?” I asked. The nervous way he was shifting around and avoiding my eyes wasn't the easygoing Jacob I was so familiar with. I was starting to get a little uncomfortable, and the uneasy hollow in my stomach grew with each passing second.
“Where are you going? Is there something wrong?” I pressed.
He kept his back to me, but finally sat down on the edge of the bed. I scooted closer, propping myself up on one elbow, touching his arm.
A huge sigh brought his shoulders up and slumped back down dramatically. I let my hand slide down his arm and then dropped it onto the mattress with a thud.
After what felt like forever, he finally turned towards me, curling his long legs awkwardly beneath him on the bed.
“Bella, we need to talk.”
A wave of nervous energy ran through me. What could we possibly need to talk about that would have him acting so strange and unfamiliar? And at this hour of the morning?
Oh no, did he have some STD? I had his penis in my mouth last night. Oh no, oh no, oh no!
I couldn't see it, but I was sure my already milky complexion had gone bone white. I sat up and pulled the sheet to my body as I leaned against the wall and pulled my legs into my chest.
I didn't say anything. I couldn't. I just waited for him to drop the bomb on me, whatever it was.
“I...” he began, but then paused. The heels of his hands dug into his eyes as if they were trying to rub out the black circles that had formed just below. “I don't want this, Bella. I don't want to play games anymore.”
Nausea two, Bella zero.
“Wh-what are you talking about, Jake?” I asked in barely a whisper.
“I can't keep going on like this.” He used his hand to gesture back and forth between us. “It's not good enough.”
More nausea. The room began to spin a little, and I stared at him in my dizzy, incredulous daze. The lack of sleep surely wasn't helping things.
But then it fused into anger.
Burning, piercing, ugly anger. Not even the seeing-red kind of anger. This was white hot fury.
Who the hell did he think he was?
I felt, before I saw, his hand that now rested on the top of my knee. My arms were wound tightly around my legs, but I released long enough to slap it away and crush myself against the wall even further.
“Bella?”
“Shut the fuck up. You just...shut up!” I yelled.
What kind of person was he? I had been involved with him for months. Months. I never thought he could sink so low. How did I not know he could be like this?
What a tricky mother fucker.
Hot tears flooded my eyes. I blinked hard, allowing them to spill out and run down my cheeks. The wet heat burned against the cool morning flesh of my face, but I didn't bother to wipe them away.
I stayed there, silent and still, holding my eyes closed as hard as I could without seeing stars. I didn't want him to see me cry. I didn't want him to know that his words or his decision hurt me this way. So I willed myself not to move or make a sound because that would give away more than I could allow.
It wasn't supposed to be this way. It was never meant to be like this.
I had dealt with enough hurt in the past.
Jacob was supposed to be easy and fun; the opposite of a stressful relationship.
This wasn't supposed to happen.
So, why did it hurt so bad?
Why?
Oh, maybe because he basically told me he doesn’t want me anymore.
He called it a game.
He said I wasn't good enough anymore.
Like I'm some whore.
Am I? Is that really what it all came down to? Is that what he thinks of me?
It was surreal and overwhelming, and I knew I could not keep it inside of me for much longer.
“Bella, listen-” he tried so say, but I cut him off before he could say anything else.
“Get out.” I was flat, harsh; it was all I could be. If I let any emotion seep through, I knew I would break down in front of him.
“What?” There was confusion in his voice. How dare he!
“Just get out. I want to get dressed,” I said without looking up at him.
I heard him chuckle. Fucking chuckle.
Bastard.
“Why do I need to leave for you to get dressed? It's not like there's anything I haven't seen before, Bells.”
The sound of his nickname for me rolling off his lips made my skin crawl. This wasn't a time for nicknames or jokes. I didn't think Jacob was like every other guy, but maybe I was wrong. He was just too nonchalant about this. It was fucking sick.
“Never again,” I growled. “Now go. Just get the fuck out of this room before I scream bloody fucking murder and wake up Felix and Rosalie.”
From my periphery I could see him stand, and I felt the bed release from his weight. He bent down and picked up the rest of his clothes, then went to the door.
His back was to me, so I allowed myself to look up at him. His hand was on the doorknob with his shirt and pants slung over his other arm, but he didn't move.
Great. Just great.
I pulled the sheet off the bed and wrapped it tightly around me like a towel. I scooted across the bed and hesitantly went up behind him. The traitor tears were still streaming down my face, although their progress had slowed. I pushed his hand out of the way, trying not to notice the warmth I had grown so familiar with. I twisted the knob and eased the door open for him.
“Bella, I don't think you under-” he began, spinning around to face me, but I stopped him.
“Just go.” I dropped my head so that he couldn't see my tears or the red splotches that were surely covering my body now.
Once he had slumped out, I grabbed my clothes hastily and got dressed. I pulled the comforter off and laid the top sheet back in place to make the bed as it had been last night. When I was done, I didn't know what to do without another distraction. The awful feelings kept building as Jacob's words replayed in my mind.
Fury.
Pain.
Confusion.
Anguish.
Finally, I gave in and threw myself face down into the bed. The tears returned to their full force, and I couldn't hold back my sobs any longer. My chest heaved against the bed, shaking the headboard and rocking the mattress beneath me. I buried my face in a pillow, trying to muffle the sound, but only managed to soak it in the salty liquid and disgusting drips from my nose.
I don't know how long I stayed that way.
It could have been minutes or hours.
It didn't matter.
I was just grateful when it had all drained out.
My sobs slowed until the sound was gone just like the saline, but my body still shook. Eventually, that dissipated as well, and I was still.
Still and dead and unfeeling. Absolutely numb.
Rejected.
Rejection was the one thing I had been avoiding for months. By not dating and simply maintaining sexually-based relationships, I didn’t have to let my emotions get involved. Yet somewhere along the way, I became emotionally invested in Jacob, even if I couldn’t admit it to myself until he told me he didn’t want me anymore.
I rolled to my side, facing the wall and begging my body to go back to sleep so I could forget all of this for a while.
The door creak, but I didn't open my eyes or turn toward the person who entered the room. Jacob surely would have left by now. I'd probably woken Rosalie up.
When I felt the bed shift beside me, I knew it couldn't be my best friend. The weight against the inner springs was too heavy to be her. The large, warm hand that laid flat against the small of my back confirmed my assumption.
“Bella, please,” he softly whispered. There was desperation and pleading in the cracking voice. “Let me talk to you. I don't think you understand what I meant.”
I didn't want to talk about it anymore. I wanted him to go away. Why couldn't he leave me alone and let this be done? It's what he wanted, so why dwell? Why drag it out and make it worse? We were never boyfriend and girlfriend in any official capacity, so we should just cut ties and walk away with any bit of pride we could muster.
Unfortunately, he wasn't going anywhere.
Without turning to look at him, I grabbed the top corner of the blanket and wiped my face with it. It would need to be washed anyway, and I would rather dirty it more than allow Jacob to see me with remnants of my crying fit all over me.
When I thought I had done a good enough job, I rolled myself over and sat up to look at him.
He looked upset. Not upset like me, but guilty and worried.
“You know, that's rich, Jacob,” I snapped at him. “You take me out and fuck me one last time before you decide you don't want to be with me anymore. Fuck. You.”
His face paled and I saw his mouth drop open a little bit.
“No,” he began. He was scrambling and shaking his head back and forth at me. “That's not what I was doing, Bella. Please just listen.”
I narrowed my eyes and directed all my hate and loathing toward him. “There's nothing left to say. You don't want this anymore, so let it go. I'm fine. I'll be fine. You can go screw whoever you want and not worry about me anymore, okay?”
Then that chuckle came back along with a stupid little grin that I just wanted to slap off his face.
Was he seriously enjoying this? Watching me get so upset was amusing? What a sick fucker.
My head was shaking too, but I didn't notice it until he reached up and encased my cheeks in his big hands.
“Stop.” His tone was firm and his eyes bored into me. For some reason, I knew I had to listen to him. “You silly, beautiful girl. I don't want to break it off with you. I think I worded things the wrong way.”
“What are you talking about?” I asked. I still could not figure out where this was going. He was so confusing!
“I'm sorry, Bella. I didn't mean for you to think I don't want you. When I said I didn't want to play games anymore, what I meant is that this thing we're doing - this seeing you a couple times a week and sleeping together - it's not enough for me. I want more of you. I want all of you, baby.”
“Oh.” I couldn't think or say anything else as the reality of his words worked in my head, extracting all the previous craziness I had just been tossing around and replacing it with this new truth.
“I don't want anyone else anymore, do you get that?” he asked, still holding my face and trying his damnedest to keep my eyes on him. “I don't want to share you. I just want you and me. I want to give it a real shot because we've been going at this for so long now and you deserve more. Can we do that?”
My cheeks flushed to the point I could feel the heat in my face and on my chest. Normally, my embarrassed blushing would cause me to get more embarrassed and blush more, but not this time. I was actually grateful for a little color to return to my stark white skin.
“I...this...I'm sorry I overreacted like that,” I told him. I suddenly felt ashamed for my overreaction and hoped that he didn’t think I was completely nuts now. He nodded at me with a sweet smile that helped ease some of my recent tension. “I just...the way you were acting, getting dressed and all nervous like that. Then you said that stuff. All I could think was the wrong way.”
His hands dropped from my face then, and we readjusted our bodies so that we were both sitting Indian style on the bed. My knees pressed lightly against his long shins.
He took both my hands in his and held them between us. “I should be the one apologizing. It all came out so wrong and I can see why you reacted that way. It's just that, well, I couldn't sleep at all last night.” That explained the dark circles under his eyes. “I've been thinking about this for a while now, but I didn't know how to bring it up. You were asleep, so I was just going to go get some fresh air and try to clear my head. But you woke up and it came out all wrong and you got so upset...”
I looked deeply into his dark eyes, and I could see how much my reaction had hurt him.
“Wow, I'm such an asshole,” I said, dropping my eyes to our hands. I fiddled with his fingers, running my fingertips across his knuckles and rubbing circles on his nails.
“Nah, don't say stuff like that, babe,” he said. His tone was lighter now, but a thread of nervous tension still coursed through me.
“It's true, though. I can't believe I freaked out like that. Did you hear all of my...craziness?” The telltale blood rushed to my cheeks once more and peppered them with color.
He sighed, grimacing at the memory. “Yeah, I stayed outside the door until you were done. Bella, I can't tell you how awful that was for me. All I wanted to do was come in here and hold you and make it better, but I knew you needed to get it out before you would listen to me. I never want to make you feel that way again. Will you give me that chance? Can we do this?”
Crap, he wants an answer now.
It was all too much. The overreaction and all that crying. I was emotionally drained, not to mention insanely tired and I simply did not trust my own brain to make this kind of decision right away.
Logically, it made sense.
Jacob was a great guy. We already knew each other very well and there would be no awkward sexual discovery or anything like that. We shared interests, friends and history. Yet part of me held back.
I didn't think it was not wanting to be in a relationship. Enough time had passed since I booted James that I wasn't quite opposed to having a boyfriend again.
Jacob seemed like the obvious choice in that department.
So why couldn't I bring myself to just tell him yes?
He would be so happy, and I knew that if I allowed him, he would make me happy as well.
Regardless, the hesitance remained.
I was incapable of giving him a fair and reasonable answer right now, so I went with the next best thing.
Avoidance.
I wrapped my hands around his as best as I could, considering they were almost twice as large as mine. Squeezing them, I feigned a yawn and blinked at him.
“I'm feeling a little...overwhelmed right now, Jake. It's too early and this is all just a lot to take in. Can we just go back to bed for a little while?”
“Of course,” he said, returning my affectionate hand gesture. “I could use a little sleep myself. We'll talk about it later.”
With that, he pulled me towards his lap, close enough to kiss me lightly and simultaneously pull back the covers. He tucked me in first and then worked his way beneath the warm blanket with me. Spooning himself against my back, I felt his fingers run through my hair and get caught up in little knots all throughout it. I could only imagine what a hot mess my hair was right now, but I couldn't muster enough energy to actually care. I drifted off to a dreamless sleep and didn't wake up until Rosalie crawled into bed with me sometime later.
“Baby girl,” her sweet voice whispered. Her fingers ran up and down my arm lightly to rouse me from my sleep.
“Hmm?” I groaned, blinking several times to focus on her.
A small giggle escaped her lips, but I was just confused. I patted the bed behind me and came up empty.
“Where's Jacob?”
“His dad called. There was some kind of emergency that he needed help with and he had to go,” she told me. “He didn't want to wake you up, so he asked me to tell you what happened.”
“Oh, well what time is it?”
“Almost noon.”
“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck,” I groaned again. “I still feel like I could sleep another six hours.”
Rosalie settled herself into the bed next to me and I scooted back to give her room. She tucked her arm under a pillow to prop her head up as she studied my face.
“What happened? Were you guys up earlier?” She furrowed her eyebrows at me and a look of genuine concern was in her pretty blue eyes.
“Umm,” I began. “We kind of had a fight, but-”
“A fight? About what? Are you okay?”
“Whoa, whoa, settle down and let me finish,” I said, putting a hand up to gesture for her to stop. “It was more of a misunderstanding, and I freaked out a little.”
“Misunderstanding? About?” she asked impatiently.
“Well,” I dragged out the word. I knew she could tell I was hedging, but it felt weird to actually say it out loud. “Hewantsustobeexclusive.”
Rosalie shot up from her position and looked down at me. “Slow down. Exclusive? Like boyfriend-girlfriend, not seeing anyone else?”
“That would be the definition of exclusive.” I rolled my eyes at her, but I couldn't help the way my lips curled up slightly.
I felt awkward looking up at her, so I unwillingly sat myself up as well and scooted back to lean against the cool wall.
“So...are you?” she asked. She was practically bouncing up and down on the bed. I didn't really know what to make of her excitement, but it was a little infectious.
“I didn't say anything, really.” She shot me a confused look and tipped her head to the side slightly. I continued. “The way he brought it up, it made it sound like he didn't want to see me at all anymore. I misunderstood and freaked out on him for trying to get one last fuck out of me. Then I cried a lot and got really mad at him until he explained what he actually meant.”
“You didn't answer my question!” she whined in response.
“I...I don't know yet. It was all so much and I was totally overwhelmed by it. We'd only had a couple hours of sleep and I'd just had a ridiculous crying fit. I didn't feel like my brain could function properly, so I asked if we could just go back to sleep and talk about it later. But now it's later and he's not here...which may be a good thing because I'm still totally confused as shit.”
“Aww honey,” she said sympathetically as she scooted over to sit next to me and draped an arm over my shoulder. I leaned into her and let my head rest on her shoulder in return. “What's to be confused about? You like Jake, don't you? I mean, you've been going at it for a loooooong time now, and you know what a great guy he is. And he's been a total sweetheart to you lately, right? I mean, Tiffany jewelry? Don't be dumb, Bella!”
I knew she was teasing about the jewelry, but she did have a valid point.
Jacob and I were great together. I couldn't think of a time we didn't have fun, and our relationship was insanely convenient with our best friends being together. Rosalie was always so good at pointing out the obvious to me when I couldn't see it staring me in the face.
I still hadn’t come to a complete resolve, though.
“You're right. As usual.” She smiled at me proudly. Self-righteous bitch. I meant that in the most loving way, of course. “I'm just a little confused,” I admitted.
“About what, sweets?” she asked, angling her head down to look at me.
“All the...others. I mean, the only other guys I've been seeing on a regular basis are Garrett and Edward, but I don't know...” I trailed off.
“Don't be stupid,” she said harshly. “Drop Garrett and let him try and have a somewhat normal relationship with Chelsea. It's not like you've been with him much anyway, have you?”
“No, I guess not.”
“Okay, that one's settled then. And Edward? Bella, he's married. That's a no brainer.”
“But…” She didn’t allow me to protest.
“No buts. I think it's pretty well established that the whole ‘Bella and Edward’ thing isn't going anywhere. He's married and he told you himself he plans to stay that way. I know you care about him more than you like to admit, but you need to walk away from that sooner than later because the longer you let it go on, the more attached you're going to get.” She paused to take a deep breath and really look at me. “Bella, you and Jake make sense. Can't you see that? You've been single long enough, it's time to put yourself out there again and be happy, baby girl. Oh sweetie, are you crying?”
“I'm sorry,” I sniffled. “I'm fine, really. I...I think you're right. It's just a lot to think about.”
She pulled me so that we could face each other and embraced me in a reassuring hug. She stroked my hair with one hand and kept her other arm clasped firmly around my body. I needed her to be my rock right now, and she was doing just that.
“Shh...Bella, it's okay. I didn't mean to upset you. I just want you to be happy. I can't help it if I feel a teensy bit selfish and want this for myself a little, too. I’ll support you no matter what you decide, but this is a good thing.”
I laughed at her admission and pressed my hand to one of her shoulders to playfully push her back. I picked up the sheet and wiped my eyes and nose with it. She gave me a disgusted but humored look and shook her head.
“What? They need to be washed anyway!” I defended.
“I know, skankamuffin. You're just such a dork. You do realize you're crying because a totally hot guy, who you claim to have great sex with, wants to be your boyfriend, right?”
I let out what could only be described as a guffaw and snorted in a most unladylike way. Rosalie laughed at me and I laughed back, hard and exhilarating.
“I'm starving,” I finally giggled.
“Of course you are, you didn't get your usual cock breakfast did you?” she teased.
“Eww! Stop! I'm not the one who likes the daily protein shake every morning!” I teased back.
Our ridiculous, crass joking broke me out of my stupid mood, and we managed to get ourselves out of the bed and head to the kitchen. Only the best of friends could say those kinds of gross things to each other and not be completely disgusted. We made some food and talked more, but the Jacob subject didn't come up again.
I knew Rosalie was right, for the most part, but her truths didn't do much to ease my mind. I owed it to Jacob to give us a shot. I owed it to myself, too.
Garrett would be easy enough to let go. He was my friend first, and anything that happened between us was just for fun. I knew he would understand and support it all.
Edward, on the other hand, well, that left me with a lot more to think about…despite Rosalie’s reasoning.
We'll try to stay blind
To the hope and fear outside
Hey child, stay wilder than the wind
And blow me in to cry
Who do you need, who do you love
When you come undone
To the hope and fear outside
Hey child, stay wilder than the wind
And blow me in to cry
Who do you need, who do you love
When you come undone
Duran Duran
No comments:
Post a Comment