Chapter 29/Epilogue
Songs: Everything – The Juliana Theory, Breathe – Anberlin & Anything – Mae
How are you feeling? What are your reasons?
Do you feel love or a lack thereof?
Do you feel love or a lack thereof?
Love is a bond without reason, a cry for connection, a light in your eyes.
Love is a reason for living, a reason for trying, a reason for life.
Forget the feeling. Forget all of your reasons.
Life is love or the lack thereof.
Love is a bond without reason, a cry for connection, a light in your eyes.
Love is a bond without reason, a cry for connection, a light in your eyes.
Love is a reason for living, a reason for dying.
Love is everything. Love is everything. Love is everything.
Oh love, you move me.
Oh love, you move me.
Love move in me.
Love, move me.
Love is everything.
The Juliana Theory
....................................................
What I didn’t realize was how difficult it really was to be responsible for someone else’s child.
Edward and Finn moved to Los Angeles in late August, just before the start of the school year. Finn entered fourth grade at a new school while Edward sought out business options.
It was wonderful, it really was. We were together, and we were incredibly happy for that fact.
Once the three of us settled into a routine, the reality of our circumstances set in more than they had initially. I was not used to living with a child in my home. I knew how to watch my mouth around kids, considering my job as a preschool teacher prior to moving to L.A., but it was different around the house. Finn was a good kid most of the time, but all kids have their quirks. With Edward pursuing a new career, I was usually the one with Finn after school to help with homework and talk to him about his day.
I grew to love Finn very much. I already had a strong affection for him thanks to all the stories I had heard over the last few years, but we found something that was our own.
I always tried to make time to nurture his interests. When I learned of his vast baseball card collection, I had my parents dig my old binders out of the closet in my childhood bedroom and send them to me. It was a hobby my dad and I had shared for a few years, during that stage of childhood when I craved his constant attention but before I became consumed with “girly” fads. Finn was ecstatic when I gave my collection to him, and Edward was touched by my gesture.
Finn seemed to like me a lot with the exception of times when he wanted Edward’s attention or was upset about something. Those were the moments he wanted nothing to do with me, despite our blossoming relationship. I tried to be understanding and remember that he was still a child, but it was a challenge at times.
One of the hardest parts for me was that without being his parent, I was assuming that role, whether he liked it or not. I hated reprimanding and punishing him, and he hated it even more. To avoid any rifts or problems to develop in the future, Edward and I truly attempted to maintain consistency in everything we did concerning Finn.
No matter what we did, there would always be bumps in the road. That was life in a family, whether we were a biological one or not. Now that I had both of my men in my life, I could not imagine it without them. That was the truth that made it all worthwhile.
School was an adventure. Most of the teachers were very accepting of the fact that I was a major player in Finn’s life, but some wrote me off and would not speak to me about school matters, instead requesting Edward for such things. How was I supposed to maintain my role if the other adults in his life would not comply?
Having Finn with us also changed the dynamic of my relationship with Edward. It wasn’t as though we could just give into our physical need for one another whenever we liked. I didn’t resent the boy for that, but it wasn’t easy for me, especially when our relationship was truly just beginning.
Our social life, or mine in particular, suffered in similar ways. Then again, I was content to be at home with Edward as opposed to being out and about with people who didn’t matter as much to me. It was just disappointing when we wanted to do something together and couldn’t because we didn’t have a baby-sitter.
I wasn’t unhappy, nor was I ungrateful. It was all just so different from what I had imagined. Granted, what I conjured up in my mind was based on my desires, not experience or true understanding of what this lifestyle would be like for all of us.
All in all, we were happy, but there was always something. The experience helped me gain a better picture of what may have happened with Edward’s marriage. We were not by any means giving in to a routine, monotonous relationship, but I could see how that kind of thing could happen to a couple with all the other distractions of life.
……………….
What I didn’t realize was how jealous we would be.
No matter how hard I tried, the sight of another woman getting too close to my man infuriated me. I knew that Edward only wanted me. Our love was passionate and true, but jealousy was difficult to keep at bay. Too often, my mind would stray to paranoid, unfounded thoughts. I would remind myself of the way that we found each other and wonder if that could happen again. It was silly because…well, because we knew in our hearts how we each felt.
Edward was my soul mate and my everything. The thought of losing him frightened me. We weren’t Edward and Carissa, nor were we Rosalie and Felix, but the fear was still there beneath the surface. My mind could not process the possibility of us not working out.
I hated the fact that insecurities still existed for both of us. We knew that our relationship would not even exist if we did not truly want and love one another, but foolish doubts came too easily at times. He had cheated on his wife with me. I had willingly carried on a sexual relationship with him, knowing that he was married. It wasn’t an every day issue, and we rarely discussed it, but there were moments when it surfaced.
The first time this occurred was during Christmas the year Edward and Finn moved. We had all flown to Washington together, and Finn spent a few days with us there before going with his mom. She was to fly back with him on New Years Day, so we returned to L.A. the day after Christmas. That week provided us with the rare opportunity for private time, a few dates, and a couple nights when Edward was able to come to Rendezvous while I worked.
He unintentionally played eye candy to a slew of scantily clad women, which made me grit my teeth every time I saw it happen. I was working, so it wasn’t as though I could be at his side the entire night. He mostly hung around the bar, talking to Rosalie or Emmett, as well as some of the other employees. That didn’t keep the women from coming to him, though. Edward is gorgeous, a fact that I have acknowledged since the moment I met him, so it shouldn’t have been a surprise to me. It was extremely difficult to refrain from storming across the club and slapping a bitch every time one got too close. Thankfully, Edward politely denied each attempt to gain his attention, always catching my eyes to offer me a reassuring smile.
When we arrived home in the early morning hours and finally had time to be alone and to talk, I learned that he was just as jealous and antsy about the men he saw staring at me throughout the night. After all this time, I hardly noticed that kind of attention anymore. I had grown accustomed to tuning out the ridiculous pick-up lines and catcalls that came my way over the course of a night. His unusually aggressive behavior in bed matched the possessiveness I had been feeling, which we both admitted while laying in bed talking following our intense lovemaking. It felt good to know that we were both feeling worked up over other people trying to get a piece of what was ours.
New Years Eve came a few days later, and I celebrated my third year at Rendezvous. The festivities were great each year, but this one was extra special with Edward there to enjoy it with me. Emmett was much more lenient about Edward hanging around me while I worked, which I was quite grateful for, to be honest. I never expected that it would actually cause more trouble.
I introduced him to a few athletes and actors I had gotten to know while working there. Edward could charm the pants of pretty much anyone, and fame didn’t seem to hinder his natural abilities. He was soon wrapped up in conversations of his own, and I continued with my duties for the night.
Things turned hectic as we approached midnight, so I was busy assisting waitresses with drinks while Edward socialized. Upon returning to the V.I.P. section after one round, I found Edward talking to some D-list reality TV star-turned-actress. I knew from her frequent visits to Rendezvous that this girl was especially handsy, and my anger flared at the sight of her with my man. He spotted me as he glanced over her shoulder to me, holding his hands out in submission. His look said, “She’s the one talking to me,” but she obviously didn’t see things that way. I tried to stay focused on my tasks and allow him to handle the situation himself, but that was easier said than done. When that dark-haired slut placed her hand on his chest and laughed, I dropped what I was doing and moved to his side.
“Oh, Amber, I see you’ve met my boyfriend, Edward,” I sneered, linking my arm with his.
“Bella,” she greeted, but her tone was of utter distaste. I wished someone would pull the stick out of her ass.
“Yep, this is my girl,” Edward confirmed, wrapping an arm around my waist and nuzzling into my neck to place a kiss there. “Remember? I told you she worked here.”
“Huh, I must have missed that part,” she said.
Edward rolled his eyes and provided us with an out. “Well, it’s getting close to midnight. I think I’ll help Bella get the champagne distributed so I can get my kiss when the ball drops. You have a nice night now.”
With that, he grabbed my hand and pulled me away. Once we were free, I took the lead, heading straight for my office. I pinned him against the door, kissing him hard as I unfastened his pants and shoved them down forcefully.
“I could fucking kill that girl for touching you,” I growled, squeezing him a little harder than normal. He hissed at the pressure, but bucked his hips toward my hand.
“I noticed,” he laughed against my lips, attempting to weasel his hands inside my wrap dress, but I slapped them away.
Falling to my knees, I showed him who he belonged to, though I’m certain he didn’t need a reminder. I chuckled to myself as I heard the crowd begin the countdown out in the club. Increasing my speed, he shot down my throat just moments after the noise of the New Year erupted. I’m not ashamed to admit that I felt extremely smug about that accomplishment.
Standing to kiss him once more, I looked him in the eyes, narrowing my gaze to demonstrate the intensity of my plans.
“I love the shit out of you, and when we get home, I am going to fuck you all night long, baby.”
He groaned in appreciation of my demanding, dominant words.
Jealousy had its downfalls, but it also had its perks.
………………
What I didn’t realize was what a headache an ex-wife can be.
After two years with Finn, being around Carissa was no easier than the first awkward meeting. I was always paranoid that she would know something about me, even if Edward never let on who I was or how we met. Not that she said anything about that, because she didn’t, but I still had a nagging suspicion every time she looked at me.
Although I knew they were not as close as they used to be, Edward still spoke to Carissa on a regular basis. Most of the conversations revolved around their son, but old habits die hard. I would bite my tongue every time she called and ended up keeping Edward on the line for over an hour.
As kind and amicable as she was toward her ex-husband, I did not receive the same welcome. That was what made me suspicious of her knowledge. She very well could have just disliked me because I was with her ex, or she could resent the fact that I was the main female role model in Finn’s life these days, other than when he was visiting her.
The dirty looks faded with time, but she had a way of blowing me off whenever I was around. Her utter disregard hurt my feelings because I really did try to form a working relationship with her. Even when she started dating again, it didn’t change very much. I tried to be cordial and polite, but it often felt pointless. No matter how many times I asked Edward about it, he assured me that she harbored no ill will. Sometimes it felt as though there were double standards for Edward and me. Then again, he was her best friend since childhood. I was essentially a nobody.
Occasionally, I would feel her pull the mom card when the three of us discussed Finn together. I always tried to maintain the perspective that I didn’t have children of my own and that their wishes for Finn came first because he was their son. I tried very hard to do things in a way that she would approve.
She was not a bad person, and I didn’t wish to make her sound that way, but there was always something. I could only assume that her distaste with me had to do with Edward moving away with Finn. I was the reason for that move, so there was likely a bit of resentment toward me. I frequently attempted to put myself in her frame of mind when I felt frustrated about the complications of our circumstances. She was a nearly every day part of our lives, and I had to learn to accept that. Just as Finn came with the Edward package, so did Carissa, in a less direct manner.
I did my best to be friendly, and even though she was very standoffish with me, there were occasional breaks from the unwanted tension. I wished there could be consistency in that, but all relationships take time, especially ones like this. Every minute positive interaction gave me hope, though life would have been much easier if Edward had never been married.
……………..
What I didn’t realize was how co-dependent we would become.
Having Edward with me every day made me extremely selfish. In the beginning, I had shared him, and he had shared me. We were not serious or committed to one another. As things progressed, we still had no claim on one another, so we were able to accept infrequent visits without too much anxiety. When I moved, not being able to see each other sucked, but that was the way things were. I was not accustomed to having him around, so it was surprisingly manageable to handle missing him.
Together at last, I wanted to spend every single free moment with him. I was not surprised that Edward shared those feelings with me.
Other things in life became less important to me. His place, and Finn’s, added new routines and obligations to my daily life. I still loved my friends and enjoyed being around them, but my priorities were different. There was never enough time for Edward, so almost all of my free time went to him.
At first, Rosalie worried that I was slipping into the same pattern that I had with James. I denied her accusations, reassuring her that my decisions were based on what I wanted, not what my boyfriend wanted, as it had been with my ex. Not to mention we had Finn. I didn’t think my friends would truly grasp that dynamic until they had their own children.
Our co-dependency was something that Edward and I discussed often and seriously. We knew that it couldn’t possibly be typical for couples to be as attached as we were, but there was no way to stop it. Even though he jokingly called me his “drug of choice,” we agreed that unless we stopped being able to work or we allowed our friendships with other people to slip away, we weren’t really harming anyone. I needed him, desperately.
In a way, our devotion to one another helped us bond as a family with Finn. We did good things together - exercising, reading, watching movies, going to sporting events and museums, and visiting the beach. I could no longer imagine my life without both of them in it.
Unfortunately, my late nights presented certain challenges, but we were fiercely determined to appreciate every single moment we had been allotted.
That connection kept our sex life active and exciting. There were, of course, those times when schedules, sleep patterns, and obligations did not align in our favor, but the tempestuous attraction we had for one another kept the fire burning. Even after all the time that passed, I still had an insatiable need for Edward. We would easily lose ourselves in our lovemaking, only breaking from the disarray when sleep or Finn forced us back into reality.
Our relationship was built upon so much more than sex, but that remained a major component of who we were together. I needed his touch, his taste, and his scent to level me and get me through each day. The way I felt about him was almost painfully intense.
………………
What I didn’t realize was that love really isn’t enough.
“Come again?” he asked incredulously. “Did you seriously just turn me down?”
“Edward,” I pleaded, but he did not allow me to speak.
“Don’t. Just…don’t. What the fuck are we doing, Bella?”
“I’m not saying no, baby. I’m just saying not right now.”
“This is fucking ridiculous,” he groaned, staring down at the ring pinched between his thumb and forefinger. I watched his other hand rip through his hair, and I felt the immediate need to be near him.
I dropped down into the sand with him, pulling his unwilling body against mine. “Can we talk about this? Please?”
Edward and I had discussed marriage before. I told him I wasn’t ready.
He reluctantly wrapped his arms around my back and rested his forehead against my shoulder. The warm air of this late August evening danced over us in a typical beach breeze. I inhaled the salty air, willing the right words to come to me.
“I love you, Edward. You know this, and you know that I’m no good without you.”
“That makes two of us,” he grumbled.
“I know, but I can’t do this yet. It’s too soon.”
“Baby,” he said, looking up at me and meeting my eyes. “We’ve known each other for five years. I’ve been in love with you for nearly as long. Haven’t you?”
I sighed. “Yes, you know I have, but that’s not the point.” I struggled to find the right words to make him understand my perspective.
“Then elaborate,” he said. His tone was almost cold, but I didn’t allow that to hurt me. Beneath that front was a man whose eyes begged me not to crush the heart I held in my hands.
“I get that it feels like a really long time, but there have been so many changes and ups and downs along the way. That makes it feel so much shorter to me,” I explained. “And I like where we are right now. Things may not be perfect, but they’re comfortable. I want to enjoy that.”
“Why would that have to change?” he pressed. “You’ve told me more times than I can count that you want this forever. I thought this was part of our plan.”
Shifting off my knees, I sat in the sand. I pulled him down as well, forcing his legs to open and arranging him just so. Once I had him in the position I desired, I settled myself in the empty space, leaning my back against his chest. Swaddling me in a warm embrace, we stared out at the ocean together. The never-ending crash and splash of rolling waves filled my ears.
The truth was, I felt terrible turning down Edward’s proposal. He had planned a wonderful night together that involved a romantic dinner and a barefoot walk on the beach before he dropped to one knee and pulled the sparkling diamond from his pocket. I wanted that future for us…eventually. There was no doubt in my mind that I wanted him forever, but I wasn’t ready for that step yet.
Maybe we had been together long enough to start talking about marriage, but the idea frightened me. I did not question Edward’s commitment, but fear was winning this war. Even though we lived, loved, and raised his son together, marriage would change things. I didn’t really think anything could separate us after all we had been through, but there was still apprehension about the possible danger and heartache. If I gave my life to Edward in that way, he would have the power to kill me. If we somehow failed, my life would be over. There was no getting around that fact.
He had been married to his best friend, and even that could not work. I understood that those circumstances were quite different from ours, but it was still daunting. I trusted him implicitly with my heart; I just couldn’t get my head to the same place yet.
I asked him to wait until I was ready. I told him how I felt, and he did this anyway. That was what hurt. That was why I had to say no. If we weren’t going to start on the same page, we would obviously be living on different pages in the figurative book of us. We needed level playing ground and understanding.
“Why aren’t I enough?” he asked as I struggled to find my words. “I thought… You know how much I fucking need you, Bella.” His voice was starting to break, and I was selfishly thankful that I couldn’t see his face. I did at least offer some comfort by reaching a hand behind us and playing with the hair at the back of his head.
“You are enough, Edward. I just need time to get there.”
“You don’t make sense,” he sighed. “You say you want to spend your life with me, but you refuse to commit yourself to our relationship.”
“No, that’s not true,” I protested. “I do want to spend my life with you, and I want to marry you someday. It’s not time yet.”
“What do I need to do to make you want this like I do?”
His sorrowful pleas hurt too much. Needing to stop them, I bit the bullet and poured out all my feelings and worries to him.
“Baby, you don’t need to do anything,” I said, turning around to face him. I remained in the sand between his legs, but mine now rested on either side of his waist. One of my arms draped over his shoulder as I toyed with his sideburns with my other hand. His arms automatically slid back around my waist. “You’re perfect, Edward. You’re everything to me, and I could never want more than you, I’m just not there yet.”
“Why? Please tell me?” he pleaded.
I shook my head, as if I could alleviate my nerves that way. “I know the circumstances were different, but you’ve done this before. You’ve been married. I haven’t, and it scares the shit out of me. Don’t get me wrong, though. I love you and have no doubts about our future…I just need more time to process.” I hoped that my confession would make me feel like the weight had been lifted, but it didn’t. I knew there was more he needed to hear – all of it.
Some of it was so embarrassing to admit because they were issues that we had dealt with numerous times before. Most of them sounded ridiculous when I actually said them aloud. Other things just made me sound crazy. Through it all, Edward held onto me, reassured me, and tried to help me find solutions for my fears.
We laughed, we spoke seriously, and we both cried a little bit, even if Edward denied that he had. In the end, I knew that he had a better understanding and respect for my concerns, but it didn’t change his wish or make him refute his proposal.
“I’m just so tired of waiting, baby. I waited two years to get you back in my life, and now I’ve waited another two to get to this point. I want everything now.” The crack in his voice broke me. After all the shit he had been through in his life, I hated contributing to his pain in any way.
“Oh, Edward,” I whimpered. A few more hot tears trailed down my cheeks and his arms tightened around me.
“Bella, I love you more than my own life. You and Finn are the most important things to me. I want us to be a real family, all with my last name. I want to see my ring on your finger, my name in your signature, and my child in your belly.”
I was quiet for a very long time, and then I explained the rest of my concerns about being on the same page.
“All I’m asking for is a little more time,” I said. “Nothing else will change. We’ll still be together, we’ll still live together, and we’ll still be planning for the future. But it needs to be level playing ground. I cannot bear the thought of marrying you if I don’t feel one hundred-twenty percent about it. I would still be ecstatic to share your name and your life, but it wouldn’t be fair to you. Don’t you see? It will be so much more special, so much better when we get married because we can’t stand not being married any longer.” I pulled him to me, chest to chest, and kissed his neck. “I just want it to be perfect,” I whispered.
After many minutes and a bit more conversation from both of us, he assured me that he finally understood what I was feeling that made me deny his proposal, and he agreed to compromise with me. He could wait, but in return, I had to wear some other piece of jewelry from him. I refused to allow him to spend more money on a diamond necklace or bracelet that he insisted on buying for me instead, so we finally agreed that I would wear the engagement ring on a chain around my neck. That way, the beautiful symbol of our commitment would still be on me at all times.
I knew that my hesitance hurt him, but it was important for me to be ready. We had both seen marriages and relationships destroyed for many different reasons, so we knew that, no matter how much you loved someone, you had to work together to have a successful relationship. If we hadn’t been willing to do that in our past or the time to come for us, we could never make it.
His job was case in point for that truth. Edward had tried working for someone else shortly after moving to California. The change was immediately awkward for him, as he had been his own boss for a number of years prior. He lacked control over issues at work, and there was very little he could do when there were disagreements in the workplace. It drove him crazy, but it wasn’t as though he could get a new business off the ground in a month.
An opportunity rose for him to buy into a pretty reputable shop in the spring of the first year. Negotiations went on for quite some time, but the co-owner he was going to buy out pulled the offer at the last minute, deciding not to retire for another few years. Edward was infuriated, as he had put so much effort into that venture, only to see it shatter in an instant. He was forced to continue working at the first shop a little longer.
In the end, that turned out to be a good thing. That was where he made a connection with a mechanic named Alejandro – better known as Alex - who specialized in exotic foreign vehicles. Over the course of several months, they designed a business model together, secured a loan for the money Edward would need in addition to what he made from selling his garage in Washington, and they began the process of opening a shop together.
It was a stressful, albeit exciting time for everyone. A lot of time, energy, and money went into finding a space, renovating it, purchasing all the necessary equipment and tools, and hiring a competent, dependable staff. Once things got off the ground, it was better, but Edward was still in the midst of the dreaded first year. He was happier than he had been before, and I would be glad to see the time come when everything went a little smoother. He and Alex made a great team, though, and had become good friends in the process.
Regardless of the eventual success of opening a business again, the process still put a strain on our relationship. Work hours were longer and everything was just more. More time apart, more rearranging our schedules with Finn, more stress, more to worry about, more, more, more. We had to cling to our love – our foundation – and then rise above it.
Just being in love didn’t make things easier, but it did make them worth the price.
We had to work harder at everything. Harder than we had in the time apart. Harder than letting go of our fears and sharing our deepest secrets and thoughts with one another. We had to make conscious, deliberate efforts to refrain from taking our stress out on one another. That included making sure we discussed our problems and worries head-on instead of using sex to avoid and cover the ugly parts of building a life with another person.
Finally being together after all the drama and turmoil did not fix things or give us a perfect life. Even though neither of us could have imagined that the road would lead us to this place, what mattered was that we had one another. No matter what life threw at us, we were committed to working through it as a single unit.
We no longer had to hide anything from one another or other people in our lives. The deceit of our past was behind us. We had both made mistakes and poor choices, but we could not regret those things now because they were a part of the journey that brought us here. Even though the fear of losing one another would occasionally creep in, we now possessed the strength and sensibility to deal with those feelings properly. This life was what we both wanted.
What we realized was that there were so many missing pieces in our former lives and relationships. Those holes could not be filled by the other people we had bound ourselves to because they were never meant to be. This wasn’t just like or love or lust. It was a power greater than both of us, a force that continually drew us back into each other’s arms no matter how we fought it.
How we went about things in our past was not right, nor was it fair, but it was our story.
Despite all our mistakes, the broken paths we traveled led us to one another. We overcame our indiscretions, and while the process was painful for those involved, everyone was better in the end.
If we had tried to be together immediately after my breakup with Jacob or his separation from Carissa, I’m not sure we would have worked. We both needed that time to deal with our own lives and come to terms with what we wanted for ourselves. With time and many words exchanged between us, we grew to be slightly less damaged. We discovered things about ourselves and found trust in one another.
What we had wasn’t faultless. It was not a fairytale or storybook romance. It was as unique and flawed as we were, but it was ours.
Edward was my forever, my life, and my happiness.
……………..
That stunning diamond ring moved from the chain around my neck to my left hand sooner than I expected it would. I made that decision when I knew it was the right time, and the look of pure elation on Edward’s beautiful face when he first saw it was worth the angst of my initial hesitation.
“Hey, baby,” he said with a smile when he walked into the house after work that day. I was in the kitchen cooking, happily enjoying my night off work. “Where’s Finn?” he asked.
“He went to the Sanders’ after school. They’re bringing him home after dinner.”
As I reached for a jar of seasoning to add to the stir fry, Edward grabbed my left wrist and spun me around, holding my hand up between us.
“Really?” he asked breathlessly, but his excitement shined through.
I bit my lip before releasing it and offering him a beaming smile. “Yes.”
He turned my hand over carefully and laid his lips over the beautiful symbol of his love. After placing my hand over his heart, he cupped my face in his warm palms and lowered his lips to mind. “My love, my life, my heart,” he murmured, deepening the kiss and swiping his tongue against mine. His grip on me was hard, but infused with pure bliss. I lost myself in him, and he had to wrap his arms around my waist when my knees buckled.
Finally, we were in the same place, and it was worth the time it took to get us there.
We would love one another, and we would struggle together.
The imperfections that scattered throughout our lives would ultimately be the glue that held us together.
We would have a home, a business, a family, and a world of memories and experiences.
Through it all, we would have each other.
We had fucked up a lot of things along the way, but this time, we finally got it right.
The End.
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