Outtake #6
EPOV
My life was a fucking rollercoaster of emotions. Right and wrong had become so twisted in my mind as of late that I could hardly tell them apart. One moment I would resolve to move forward with my marriage, and the next I’d see my wife as my 13 year old confidant again. Intertwined with those thoughts was my wavering over Bella. I knew in the deepest depths of my heart that I should leave her and my indiscretions in the past…but I couldn’t.
That same force that drew me to her in the first place was hounding me to make things right with her. She deserved to be treated better, and I couldn’t live with myself if I never had the chance to apologize. If nothing else, I could hope to be her friend. She was like no one I’d ever known, and I needed her in my life. I would take her in any capacity she would allow me. But first I had to beg her forgiveness for the way I’d spoken to her.
Somehow, I was no longer feeling guilty for wanting her. For the last two and a half weeks, Bella has been the first thing I thought of when I wake up, and the last face I saw in my mind before I sleep. No matter what I’ve tried, I haven’t been able to erase her. My conscience knew it wasn’t how I should feel, but my body, my mind, and my heart accepted that I was not whole until she came into my life.
There were times I fantasized about what it would be like to truly be with Bella…in the way she deserved. I tried not to entertain such thoughts because it couldn’t be, but they still had a way of sneaking up on me. I made my choices years ago, and the life I had now is where I had to remain. No matter what I wanted now, it wouldn’t be reality. I made a commitment long ago, and I would honor it. I had to; I need my son, and therefore need his mother. I should have felt worse about my apathy toward Carissa as my wife…but I didn’t. This wasn’t her fault; I wouldn’t hold it against her. I just couldn’t pretend or fool myself into thinking she was the love of my life. It wouldn’t be fair. I didn’t know what Bella was to me, but she certainly did something to me I’d never felt with anyone else. Meeting her made me take an honest look at my marriage, and I realized many truths I have never acknowledged. I could be Carissa’s friend and husband, but in my heart we were no longer lovers. Were we ever? In a way, yes, but not in the traditional sense that most married couples are.
I’m such a prick.
I probably didn’t deserve either woman, but I was selfish enough to want to keep them both in my life. That is, if I could get Bella back in my life after I made her think I regarded her as a whore. I never thought of Bella that way, but my paranoia made ugly, harsh accusations fall from my lips. I needed to make it right, and make her understand that I never meant to hurt her in any way. I didn’t know how I would proceed if I could get her back in my life, but I was willing to cross that bridge when I got to it.
I finally reached my breaking point on a Thursday night. It had been 18 days since I’d last seen Bella, and I couldn’t take it anymore. She didn’t answer when I called, so I left her a voicemail message. I waited, praying for her to call me back, but she never did. So I called again. And again. I left message upon message apologizing, but still nothing. I wondered if she even listened to them.
Then one night I called, and it went to voicemail after the first ring. That meant she saw my call, but chose not to answer…so I called another time with the same results. I took a deep breath and tried a third and final time. This would be my last attempt, and then I would have to give up this chase. There is only so much rejection one man can take.
I was shocked when someone actually answered, but it wasn’t Bella.
“Hello,” someone sang into the phone. Her voice was laced with mischief and implication.
“Umm, hey. This isn’t Bella, is it?”
She answered immediately. “No, I’m sorry, Edward. This is Rosalie.” Of course. Her best friend answers. This is either really good for me or really bad.
“Hi, Rosalie. I hope life has been treating you well,” I said cautiously.
“Yes, thank you, I’m doing well.” She was still being friendly. My hopes were high.
“I’m glad to hear it,” I said honestly. “Is Bella around? I’d really like to speak to her if she is. I just need to hear her voice and tell her what a monumental asshat I am.”
“Yes she is. Mmm hmm, let me get her for you,” she responded as I spoke, and then she was gone.
“What?” she said angrily. I cringed at her tone, but began to say what I needed her to hear.
“Oh, Bella. Hi,” I whispered, not quite sure where to start. Her end of the line was silent, so I continued. I wanted more than anything to hear her say my name, but I wasn’t counting on it. “Listen Bella, I feel awful...terrible for the way we left things. Please, I'm so sorry. I can't stand the thought of you being mad at me. I know what I said must have made me sound like the biggest dickhead on the planet, but I didn't mean it like that.” I tried to communicate my sincerity in both my tone and my words, but I wasn’t sure if it was making a difference at this point.
“Just...shut up,” she said so softly I could barely hear her. It made me wish I could hold her right then and there, and try to bring her some comfort.
“Bella?” I couldn’t say more for fear that my voice would crack.
She audibly sighed, and I found myself longing for her breath on my neck. “It's fine. I'm fine. Forget about it, okay?” Her words were like a plea. I could tell she had more she wanted to say, but she didn’t.
“Are you sure?” I asked one last time. I would get down on my knees and beg if it meant she really did forgive me.
“Yeah. I've got to go, Edward. Take care.”
She spoke to me! It wasn’t much, but it was something.
I was ecstatic.
I was relieved.
I was hopeful.
I wouldn’t screw this up, and I would not hurt her again.
This was a new dawn and a second chance at our friendship. I didn’t know if it might go anywhere from there, but it was a start. I wanted her in every way possible, but her trust and friendship was my first priority. I promised myself to gain that back, and I would make good on that promise.
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