Chapter 23
Song: Since You’ve Been Gone – Theory of a Deadman
Edward’s voice was so soothing and beautiful. It was wonderful to hear it after such a long time. A handful of weeks felt more like an eternity. I understood that it was all my own doing, as he had been waiting for me to call him, but I wasn’t ready before now. Thanks to a little time and a lot of excellent perspective from Jasper, I felt as prepared as I could be.
Jasper didn’t support the fact that Edward was a married man I had been and was still somewhat involved with, but he looked past that and helped me address the feelings I had for Edward instead of our circumstances. As he put it, circumstances and situations can change.
“Nothing in life is constant, Bella, even when we think it’s infallible or forever. Deal with your feelings first, and then you can address everything else. Whether you want closure or a future with this guy, you need to understand him, which you obviously don’t. If that’s the case, I’m guessing he doesn’t fully understand you either. These unresolved feelings will haunt you for the rest of your life, so that is why I’m willing to support you in your efforts to get this all straightened out. What you do from there is on you, sweetie.”
Pretty wise for a guy only in his late twenties, wouldn’t you say?
With that reassurance, I turned my full attention toward Edward and focused on communication and honesty, just as Jasper had encouraged.
“I really miss you, Bella. A fucking lot,” Edward admitted. It hurt how broken his voice sounded as he spoke.
“I miss you too,” I whispered into the phone, meaning every one of those four simple words. Honesty. No holding back.
“Tell me about L.A.,” he said, and I was happy to comply.
I talked about Emmett and Jasper and what it was like living with two men. He said it made him feel better knowing that I had them around to “protect me.” I understood his sentiment, even if it was a little silly in my eyes. Taking care of myself was something I took pride in, but this was a new location for me. Having the guys did give me some peace of mind. He seemed a little hesitant when I talked about Jasper, at least until I mentioned his girlfriend, and I could hear the relief in Edward’s tone. My heart raced at his possessive insinuation. When it came to Alice, I decided it was easier to ghost over those details. I could not explain her distaste for me fully without giving him a little background information on Jasper and me. It was irrelevant, so I hedged by saying that Alice and I hadn’t spent enough time together to become friends. Maybe someday we’d be in a place where I could explain the whole story to Edward.
He wanted to know the details of my daily life, so I filled his ears with accounts of our trips to the gym, going out and about and getting familiar with Los Angeles, and the office side of my job. He asked me many questions about what I was doing and how I liked it, even though we had briefly discussed those things in our texts over the past month. He sounded genuinely happy that I was enjoying living here, even if I was so far away.
Describing my nights at Rendezvous and my hands-on experiences with our customers took longer. I regaled him with stories and accounts of professional athletes, musicians, actors, and a variety of other celebrities. We laughed about reality TV stars the most, making fun of the way they are famous for doing virtually nothing, yet they see themselves as equals to the A-listers. Edward was amazed by how many famous people I had encountered already and even went out of his comfort zone to ask who had hit on me. Reluctantly, but in good humor, I named a few, assuring him that I had no interest in becoming a notch on the bedpost of someone just because of their fame.
As always, I was surprised by how easily we fell into comfortable conversation together, no matter how much time had passed or what the circumstances were. It was nice. Really nice.
“Wait, Rendezvous is the name of the club?” he asked at one point.
“Yep.”
“And your cousin owns it?”
“Yeah, he opened it after he graduated from college.”
“That’s crazy,” he said. “I’ve heard about that place. It gets mentioned in those gossip magazines all the time.”
“You read gossip magazines?” I asked. A wry smile he couldn’t see was curling my lips.
“Not really, I mean, Car- umm, they’re laying around sometimes.”
Immediately, the tone of our conversation had shifted. I knew we couldn’t keep dancing around the subject of Edward’s wife, so I decided to take this opportunity to address it directly.
“Hey,” I said softly. “We need to talk about these kinds of things, so don’t get awkward when she comes up, all right?”
“I’m sorry, Bella. It feels a little weird.”
“For me too, but it is what it is,” I offered. “Why don’t you go ahead and take your turn telling me about what’s been going on in your life. My tongue is thoroughly exhausted from all the Hollywood gossip I’ve provided, so let me have a break.”
“Okay,” he chuckled softly. “I have no idea where to begin.”
Even though I knew he wanted to talk about all these other things, I could hear a slight hesitance in his voice. A sense of foreboding washed over me, but I pushed it away, knowing that this needed to be done. Instead of giving into the nervous fear myself, I encouraged him.
“Wherever you’re comfortable.”
A pregnant pause filled the gap between phone lines and miles, preparing us both for whatever was to come. I waited as patiently as possible, though extremely anxious to actually begin this conversation. All the while, I wished I could reach through the phone to hold and comfort him through this conversation.
“I guess I’ll just say it,” he began. I bit my lip in anticipation. “It was a little over four months ago now that Carissa and I started going to marriage counseling.”
That was definitely not what I expected he would want to tell me. Still, I listened intently because it was important to him. I wondered where this would lead and what it had to do with me.
“It was only a few days after we went to that…after you ended things with us.” He took an audible breath, and then continued. “Things hadn’t been in a very good place with us for a while. It was long before you came into the picture, Bella. All the time that you and I spent together, it slowly started to open my eyes to the problems in our marriage. I wanted to pretend like we were fine, but we weren’t. There’s a lot of stuff in my past that made an impact on how I acted toward you in the beginning, and hopefully someday I’ll have the opportunity to share that with you. If you’ll let me, that is.”
He stayed quiet for a moment, but I wasn’t sure how to respond to any of this new information. I told him that I was listening and encouraged him to keep talking, to get out whatever he needed to share.
“God, I don’t even know how to say all of this. I’ve practiced this conversation in my head so many damn times since you left, yet here I am feeling speechless.”
“Can I ask one thing?” I said.
“Of course. Anything.”
I bit my lip, feeling a thin layer of skin peel off the surface as I gathered my thoughts. “When you called me before and I was on the plane, you said you…you said you want to be with me.”
“I do,” he interrupted. “I still do, so much.”
“Okay then,” I continued. “You’re still living with your family? Still going to counseling? I mean, you know I’m staying here in L.A., so has that changed anything? I’m just trying to make sense of things here, Edward, and to be completely honest, absolutely nothing makes sense to me when it comes to us.”
I lay back on my bed, hooking my Bluetooth on my ear as I settled in for what was presumably going to be a long conversation.
“Why don’t you let me go back a ways, to when we met. Can I do that?” he asked.
I agreed, as I had a few questions that may come up in regards to that subject.
“I don’t want to hide anything from you any longer, Bella. I don’t know if we have a chance or a future, but there is so much I need you to hear. If you’re willing to listen, I want to tell you.”
“Sure,” I acquiesced. “Go ahead.”
“Like I said, Carissa and I weren’t doing really well before I met you. It wasn’t as if we fought or had any major issues, we were just complacent. Life was a routine with us. We had been friends for so long that we were basically going through the motions anymore. Overall, we were both still happy in our own way, but we definitely weren’t living up to the potential of our marriage.
“For so long, I thought it was just me; that she was more in love with me than I was with her, but through our sessions, I learned that we are on pretty level playing ground, so to speak. Neither of us could pinpoint when it had really happened, yet it had undeniably changed. We did what we had to do. We devoted ourselves to Finn, and that was really the glue that always held us together. He was and still is the light of my life, so staying focused on him was a distraction from the state of our relationship.”
It was hard to get a feel for Edward’s emotions. I had always been able to read him fairly well when we were together, but I didn’t have his demeanor or facial expressions to go by right now. I had to listen carefully and try to interpret his words based on his tone and inflection.
Shifting on the bed, I made a little noise to let him know I was still with him.
“I’ve told you before that I never considered going outside my marriage until I met you,” he said. His voice was an obvious plea for me to believe him, which I did. We had discussed this in the past. “Even within my apathetic complacency, she was my wife and the person I had committed my life to. But there was some spark with you that I had never felt before. I had a few beers that night, but the moment I began talking to you, it was a completely different kind of intoxication. My decisions began making themselves and I was just…powerless to that draw I felt toward you. All I knew was that I needed to feel you, to let go of all my control and grasp at whatever piece of you I could get. So I did, and well, I don’t think I need to remind you how that turned out.”
“You could,” I teased, trying to lighten the mood a little.
He chuckled in response, seemingly understanding my intent. “Yes, I could, but if I relived that night in my mind right now, I would probably end up with my hands down my pants and I’d never get to what I want to share with you.”
Edward went on to tell me what his home life was like after that first night together. There was a two week gap between then and the time he called me, and I received an unabridged version of everything that transpired during that time. He told me about how hard he tried to get me out of his head, and even about the way he tried to use sex with his wife as a distraction and means of forgetting about me. I did not want to hear about him being with her any more than he wanted to think about me with other men, but it was a reality of our situation. We needed to be able to talk about it like adults.
Honestly, I was quite stunned when he described their Saturday night dates to me. The thought of a marriage where intimacy is actually blocked off for one specific time each week was…sad. Half the beauty of sex is in the anticipation and spontaneity of the act. I could only imagine how unfulfilling it could become under those circumstances.
In a way, it made me feel a little better about what Edward and I had together. It was quite apparent that the passion we shared was something he lacked with Carissa. Again, I got the uneasy feeling that he was using me to meet his physical needs while she reaped all the other benefits of their relationship, but I knew that in reality, that’s not the way things were. It was a tangled, complex mass of emotions, reactions, and actions for both of us, not just me.
I wanted him to tell me more. I needed him to, so I urged him to continue.
“Nothing was the same after I met you,” he said longingly. “Every day was a struggle to do right by my family, but you possessed so many of my thoughts that it was hard to just live my life without your influence in there somewhere. Everywhere I looked and everything I did could somehow be related back to you. It didn’t matter what it was, my mind always strayed back. That’s when I knew I had to explore that thing further.”
“I have another question,” I said hesitantly. I was extremely nervous about this one. “This has been really hard on me, you know?”
“I’m sure,” he agreed.
“Well, I never broadcasted what we were doing, but since we met, a very small handful of people have known about us. One was Rose, of course, and recently I’ve spent a lot of time talking to Emmett and Jasper. They have both been able to help me dissect my feelings and work through everything.”
A sigh of relief emanated through my earpiece. “I’m so glad you’ve had understanding people to help you.”
“Me too, and through our conversations, they have both been able to help me recognize things I never did before. That’s sort of what I want to ask you about.”
“Sure, go ahead,” he told me.
“Jasper pointed out that, from what I remember, you never actually told me that you were in love with Carissa,” I said, trying not to sound accusatory or rude. “You talked about loving her and loving Finn, but never about being in love. Looking back now, it feels like you were staying more out of obligation than anything else. Is that all true?”
For a while, all was silent again. I had more questions, but I knew I needed to hear his answer first. As he thought about the things I just said, my mind overflowed with memories and conversations we had shared at various times throughout our relationship. I had taken to calling it our relationship lately because, regardless of the situation, it was a relationship. Referring to it as an affair had absolutely no appeal to either of us.
“No, I’m not in love with Carissa. Not the way a husband should be in love with his wife,” Edward admitted with carefully chosen words. His admission was heavy, and it was clear that he felt some guilt in saying that aloud. “It took you to make me recognize that. It wasn’t just that we were involved and I was unintentionally falling for you. The root of that issue went back a long way.
“Combined with the fact that I couldn’t seem to stay away from you, everything had a way of intensifying.
“I tried Bella, I truly did. I wanted to have the perfect little family and happy marriage, but it wasn’t happening. It still isn’t. You became my buffer and my distraction, and so much more than that. The time we spent together became the highlight of life aside from Finn. Seeing you and being with you made everything a little bit better.”
His words were nearly oppressive in their weight, and although they were insightful, they didn’t make things any less complicated at this point. If nothing else, at least I was now getting a better understanding of what was happening in his life during all those months we spent together. Maybe someday I would share some of my own story with him. Maybe not.
“Well,” I began when he seemed to have ended his current train of thought. “I think we can get into all those details another time, maybe.” I didn’t realize it right away, but by saying that, I had inadvertently committed to speaking to Edward more often in the future. That made me a bit nervous, but I pushed it aside to focus on the present. “Why don’t you tell me more about this marriage counseling thing and how that all came about.”
“I can do that,” he affirmed. “Like I said before, it really started when you and Jacob decided to date.
“When I thought that things were over for good and that I wouldn’t ever see you again, I resolved to fix things with Carissa and Finn. I could never make up for what I had done, but I could help us get back on the right track. It seemed like a logical thing to do. Marriage takes work, and I tried to convince myself that if I worked hard enough, we could have that kind of love that was on fire. We would need outside help in order to identify and mend our dull issues, so the counseling was my idea.”
In a way, I was surprised, but at the same time, I could understand his motivation. While I attempted to move on with Jacob, Edward was patching holes in his home life.
“Tell me about it,” I requested.
“Okay, well, I brought it up the next day after seeing you. I was a fucking mess when I got home, and I barely spoke to Carissa. She tried to figure out what was wrong with me and ended up assuming I lost too much money at poker with the guys. I didn’t tell her that I had skipped out that night.”
As I listened, his honesty astounded me. In the past, we had danced around our deep-seated emotions so much. We shared bits of affection between the sex and conversation, but we were never so direct when it came to the serious things. It made it easier at the time, or so we thought, but we were both worse off in the end. It was such an impossible situation that there really was no right way to go about things.
I found myself wanting to continue with this. Even with all the talk of Carissa that made my insides feel worse than any illness I ever had, I wanted to know. Edward was finally allowing me into his head and his heart, and I didn’t want to do anything that would hinder this opportunity. So I listened intently.
“The next day was no better,” he continued. “All I could think about was that god awful goodbye and everything that had happened or been said. I kept seeing you crying, and I couldn’t rationalize how this could possibly make you happy when you were that emotional. On the other hand, I knew there wasn’t anything I could do about it. You made your decision, and I had no right to try to hold onto you. After everything you dealt with being with me, it wasn’t my place. I had promised you I would let go if you found someone else.
“And of course, the other parts of that evening plagued my mind. I’ve never felt so…desperate. It was crazy and irrational, but it was us and that was all that mattered. So with all those things in my head, I had to find a way to force them out and move along. I couldn’t be with you, so I knew what I needed to do. On Wednesday night, I told Carissa that I wanted us to go to counseling.”
“How did she take that?” I asked. That’s a pretty intimidating thing to spring on someone, and there was a chance it would not have been well received.
“Honestly, we agreed almost immediately,” he said. “We both knew that things hadn’t been right with us for a long time, even if we never addressed it. As time passed, we were becoming more detached, and we understood that if our relationship went sour, it would have a terrible impact on Finn. It seemed like such a waste to give up on each other after all the years and things we had been through together.”
I wondered about his past with his wife. She was never really a topic of conversation, only ever coming up in passing when we were together. Finn was frequently discussed by his proud daddy, but never Carissa. He told me they had been friends for a very long time, alluding to the fact that they knew each other as kids. That could mean practically anything, but I could never bring myself to seek out those answers or even consider them. Were they high school sweethearts? Did they date and break up several times? What was the bond that kept them together?
I kept up my role as the discerning audience as Edward provided more details about the initial stages of counseling. From what he said, it helped them get along better and gain back some of their compatibility. Instead of focusing on things outside their home, they both learned how to prioritize and give each other and their son the appropriate amounts of attention. Their counselor worked with them to help improve communication first and then intimacy.
I really didn’t want to know about those kinds of things. Edward wasn’t mine to claim, but knowing that he was with someone else made me feel awkward and uncomfortable.
“There’s something else you should know,” he told me, his voice lowering and the pace of his words decreasing.
“Go ahead. You can tell me anything. Honesty, right?”
“Right,” he agreed. “It was never the same. I mean, here’s the thing…” He drifted off, a groan of frustration rumbling in my ear.
“Go on, Edward. It’s okay; just say whatever you need to say.”
“I’m going to sound like a total douche for it, but in all the years we were together, the sex was never even a fraction of what it felt like with you. Wow, how much of a fuckwad does that make me?”
I wanted to giggle and tease him about my skills, but that kind of response would not be appropriate or tactful at the moment. Still, it was nice to feel something so lighthearted for once. Instead, I urged him to keep talking.
“It just got worse when you and I were…involved. I mean, she’s my wife, so I couldn’t not have sex with her, and I mean, I wanted to…”
“Edward, it’s all right. We both knew what we were, and we both knew that we were sexually active with other people. You’re not going to make me upset.”
“Thanks,” he whispered, sounding surprisingly vulnerable about the subject.
“Truth is, I can count on one hand how many times Carissa and I had sex in the three months you were dating Jacob.”
“Wow,” I gasped softly, hoping he didn’t actually hear that, but I knew he did.
“The last time we were together was before I saw you at the bar. I just…can’t.”
Gulping, I prepared for my own admission. “Me either,” I whispered.
“Really?”
“Yeah, really,” I replied. “I guess I just haven’t had any interest, you know? It almost feels like it would be a waste of my time. It wouldn’t even be worthwhile.”
We sat in silence for a few minutes, taking in everything that we had just shared. It amazed me how much sexual tension could pass through the invisible line connecting our cell phones.
After some unmeasured amount of time, Edward’s voice broke the quiet stillness.
“I told her I cheated,” he said softly, but clearly.
“What?” I practically shouted, jumping up from my prone position on the bed. “Oh my god…What did you say? What did she say? What’s going on now?” I begged for information.
“Our marriage is over, Bella. We’re still together, but there’s nowhere to go from here. The counseling wasn’t working as well as it should have because I was still hiding things from her. I didn’t want to admit it then because I didn’t want to let you go. If I could hold onto that information and those memories for myself, a piece of you could still be mine. Do you understand that? I couldn’t give you up. If I told her about you, the counselor would have me say it was wrong and try to get me to work on another ‘issue’ we had, but I didn’t want to work on it.”
Feeling absolutely stunned, I could only listen.
“I could have stayed with you that night in May. Carissa and Finn were out of town and I was on my own. I could have stayed, but after everything that happened to you that day and what we did, I needed to step back and regroup. I knew you would need a little time to sort through all your feelings as well, but I couldn’t bring myself to believe that would be it for us, no matter what you said. We both just needed some time to think.
“When Carissa got home, I told her that I had cheated…that I had an affair. I left out our most recent time together and all the details our relationship, but just telling her it happened was enough. She was hurt, of course, and our counseling session the next day was a mess.
“All I could think about was how I was letting you slip through my fingers again, and I needed to talk to you. I thought I would call and tell you and things would be…well, I didn’t know what things would be. I just needed to tell you how much I wanted you. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but these are not the circumstances I ever imagined.”
I laughed sharply at that thought, but there was no humor in my tone. It was the laughter of irony and heartache.
Then it dawned on me, the thought from the beginning of this long conversation. He was still there. He was still living at home and nothing had really changed. We were talking, but he had done nothing to change the circumstances. I was so confused about everything.
“Edward, what does all of this even mean?” I asked, feeling my earlier comfort slipping away as I tried fruitlessly to hold onto it. “You said you want to be with me, but you’re still there, living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed,” I sputtered as my voice became panicked and distraught. “And the worst part is, it doesn’t even matter because you’re still there with your son where you belong, and I’m a world away. I’m supposed to be getting over you. I don’t know what to even think anymore…”
“Whoa, slow down!” he protested, the volume and intensity of his voice catching me off guard. “I do want to be with you, Bella. I don’t know how to make that happen right now. I don’t even know if you want me that way or what you’re getting from this conversation. Yes, I’m still living at home with Finn and Carissa, but we haven’t slept in the same bed since I saw you. It’s really complicated…”
“What are we even doing anymore? What is the point of all this?” I asked. I could feel my heartbeat racing and my eyes welling up with unshed tears. “You’re there, I’m here. You’re still married and want to be with your son. I can’t…I can’t think about this anymore tonight.”
I heard some sort of loud sound in the background, followed by a muffled groan.
Startled, I asked what had happened.
“I just…punched something,” Edward muttered, and the tears immediately began to stream down my face. I tried to say quiet, but he heard my little sobs and sniffles. “Shh…Bella, I don’t know what’s happening either. All I know is that I can’t give up on us without even trying. If I let you go without making an effort, I know I’d have to live with a whole lot of regret.”
My thoughts turned to what Jasper and I had talked about regarding this situation. I made this call tonight because I needed answers. There was no telling where things would lead once our telephone conversation began, but it was something I had to face. Now we were dealing with a few pieces of the fallout. Fighting back the tears, I composed myself so that we could either continue this or get off the phone altogether.
“I hate that this is so complicated,” I sniffled. “I don’t know what to do.”
“I wish I had the answers for you. I wish I had a way to make this right without having to deal with all the difficult parts. Bella, if there is any hope for us, I won’t stop trying. I know it can’t all be fixed and aligned instantly, but I’m willing to do what we have to do to figure it out. Together.”
“But you’re still married,” I protested, attempting to make him see the greatest roadblock.
“I’m getting a divorce.”
I froze.
Those were words that an unspoken part of me wanted to hear, but my mind had never truly allowed me to imagine them coming from Edward’s beautiful mouth. It didn’t make him mine, but it changed things monumentally.
“Really?” I squeaked, immediately embarrassed about my inability to speak like an adult.
“Yes, there’s no other option anymore.” He sounded resigned, yet hopeful somehow. “I can’t keep living a lie. Maybe it makes me a terrible person and a failure as a father, but I tried, Bella. No matter what happens from here, I can’t subject my best friend to a loveless marriage, and I can’t allow my son to grow up with that as the main example of love in his life.”
“But you’ll have to be away from Finn,” I said without thinking. I wondered why I was so quick to defend his marriage, but I reconciled those feelings as my desire to keep Edward from hurting. Not being with his son every day would definitely hurt him. “Are you sure about this?”
He sighed, sounding tired and worn. “Like I said, it’s complicated. I’ll figure all those details out eventually, but I can only take this one step at a time. I’ll deal with what’s in front of me and then move on to the next detail.”
“I just want you to be happy.”
“Thank you,” he whispered. “I will be, eventually, and hopefully someday I’ll be happy with you.”
I closed my eyes, grateful and relieved that he could not see me. My face twisted in emotional agony and scorching hot tears streamed down my cheeks. At least I managed to stay silent this time. When I felt that I could control my voice, I spoke again.
“I don’t know what’s going to happen or what to do from here.”
“Just tell me you want me to go through with this divorce, baby. Tell me you want me to come there and be with you. Tell me anything, Bella, please.”
“I can’t!” I wailed. “I cannot be the one to ask that of you or make that decision. It’s too big. How selfish would it be for me to do something like that? To ask you to change your entire life for something so risky?”
“You have to give me something here. At least tell me you want me. Let me hear you say it,” he begged.
After a long pause, I breathed out the words quietly. “I want you.”
“Ask me to be with you Bella.”
“No. It’s not my place. You’re not mine to ask.”
“Don’t you get it?” he asked harshly, but immediately calmed his tone. “I am yours. I need to know that there’s still a chance. Is there?”
I nodded at the same time that I whispered my shaky, “yes.”
“I can live with that…for now,” he said, laughing lightly. “I love you, Bella. I’m doing this for you.”
Shaking my head to myself, I decided that this would be a good time to end our conversation for tonight. We still had so many things to discuss, but there was too much to take in right now. “It’s late. I should go.”
“Oh, well, all right. We’ll talk soon?”
“Yeah, we will,” I promised. “And Edward?”
“Yeah?”
“You need to do this for yourself, not for me.”
It seems that nothing ever goes my way
Since you broke my heart when you left that day
There's nowhere to go so just stay with me
Cuz since you've been gone, I've been beggin' you please
To tell me you're not alright
And you needed to come home
To tell me you're not okay
And you needed me all along
Since you've been gone
I need to hear from you
Since you've been gone
Theory of a Deadman
Since you broke my heart when you left that day
There's nowhere to go so just stay with me
Cuz since you've been gone, I've been beggin' you please
To tell me you're not alright
And you needed to come home
To tell me you're not okay
And you needed me all along
Since you've been gone
I need to hear from you
Since you've been gone
Theory of a Deadman
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