Not Meant To Be - Chapter 25

 

Chapter 25

Songs:  Hello Lonely – Theory of a Deadman & Back Home – Yellowcard

The months flew by, and when Thanksgiving hit, I could hardly believe that I had been in L.A. for six months.

Emmett and I stayed home for the holiday, opting to spend it with our friends instead of dealing with holiday travel.  Jasper, Alice, Maggie, and her boyfriend Rocky joined us for a feast at our condo.  Only Maggie would end up with a guy named Rocky.

My friendship with her grew, and with it came added comfort around Alice.  It would be laughable to suggest that Alice and I were anything more than amicable, but it was nothing like the bullshit when I first moved.  These days, we could be around one another in a social setting without having an argument.  There were still moments when it would be just the two of us and she would snub me or get an attitude, but I did my best to ignore her when that happened.  It was better to let it go than feed into the negativity.  I accepted that not all people are meant to be friends, no matter how many mutual loved ones you share.

Mom, Dad, and Esme all came down for Christmas, and since I now lived in the former guest room that Esme would have used while visiting, Emmett rented a hotel suite for our parents.  They were all excited to spend some time together, as the divorce so many years prior had drawn an awkward, unwanted line between all of them.  Thankfully, enough time had passed that everyone was able to look past the way things had happened.  I knew my father felt especially guilty for what he considered abandoning his former sister-in-law, but she brushed off his apologies with grace and kindness.  Hindsight always changes perspective, and everyone was able to focus on the present instead of things they couldn’t amend.  After getting reacquainted with Esme at Christmas the previous year, I was glad we could all be together.

As usual, Emmett had separate celebrations with each of his parents, but it was still nice to have everyone in the same place for the week.

The hard part was that not going home for the holidays meant I wouldn't see Rosalie...or Edward.  No matter how much begging I did, Rose couldn't seem to get things together to come for a visit.  I knew she was saving money for school, so I couldn't begrudge her that fact, even if it did suck. 

Edward was going through a tough time dealing with the first split Christmas with Finn.

His divorce proceedings were already in place in the fall when he and Carissa sold their house and closed on their respective new homes.  Their new subdivision was thankfully in the same school district Finn had been attending, and there were about two hundred homes altogether in that particular housing plan.  The houses were only a block apart, close enough that Finn could walk between them.  I still felt it was a little strange, but I respected both of them for keeping Finn's needs first in that arrangement.  Personally, I would worry about a lack of privacy from my ex, but Edward was convinced that it wouldn't be a problem.

I wished so badly that I could have been there with him after they broke the divorce news to Finn.  Edward was a mess over it because, unsurprisingly, Finn had reacted the way most children do when told their parents are getting a divorce.  He was upset, blamed himself, and questioned their love for him.  I hated dwelling on the details because I remembered what it was like when my mom took her marriage hiatus when I was a child.  It tore Edward apart to see his son hurt that way and know that he was at fault.  All I could do was remind him that he tried the marriage counseling route and it didn’t work.  The final decision to get a divorce was a mutual one between he and his wife, and Finn would need both of them to stay strong and focused through this process.  He thanked me profusely for the support, but it still felt a bit strange to be the one holding his hand, so to speak.

It was late February when Rosalie came to visit for the first time.  Edward had called on our way home from the airport.  He was having a particularly rough time after Finn left for Carissa’s house because the boy had not wanted to leave his father.  In keeping with their agreement to split their time with Finn fifty-fifty, Edward really didn’t have a choice in the matter.  He was beating himself up over practically forcing Finn to return to his mom.

Rosalie and Emmett, who were in the car with me, were both very understanding and didn’t object when I locked myself in my bedroom after returning home.

“Edward, I’m sure there were times when you were a kid that you didn’t always want to go back to your mom after being with your dad, right?”

“No, yeah, there were, but this is different,” he objected.

“Tell me how.”

“I’ve…fuck, Bella.  I’ve screwed so many things up in my life.  Why couldn’t I get this one damn thing right?  He’s my son.  He deserves more than this.”  I could hear the severe pain in his voice, and I knew that he needed some perspective.  There was no quick fix for this situation, but I did what I could for him.

“You can’t keep going backward with this,” I said firmly.  “Your decisions have already been made.  You said that this was the only option left, so now you have to remain focused on the future.  If you continue to look over your shoulder and try to fix a marriage that’s already over, you’re not going to get anywhere.”

“I hate this,” he ground out, obviously through a locked jaw.  Despite the frustration, he sounded as though he was on the verge of tears.  It ripped me apart inside.  I knew it wasn’t truly my fault that Edward and Carissa had separated, but when he was down like this, it was hard not to feel a little responsible.

“This is going to take time, Edward.  Try to remember what it was like when your parents split.  Can you do that?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, well, you just need to remember the things your parents could have done to handle the situation better…and try to think about what you could have done to cope with it in a healthier way,” I said, attempting to make my voice soothing and kind.  “Use that perspective to make it easier for Finn than it was for you.  And, you know, you’ve said counseling helped you and Carissa deal with one another in a healthy manner, so maybe you can do something similar for him.  Just think about it.”

I sat on my bed waiting for his response.  A few long minutes passed, and his silence began eating away at my insides.  It was those kinds of moments that made me wish I could physically comfort him.  I wondered if Edward had any friends at home that he could discuss Finn and the divorce with.

“You all right?”

“Not really, but you’re right,” he replied tiredly.  “You’ve given me a lot to think about.  Thank you.  Seriously.”

“No thanks necessary,” I said, smiling.

“I should let you go.  Weren’t you going to get Rosalie from the airport?”

“Yeah, we’re home now.  You actually called while we were on the freeway.”

“Shit, baby, I’m sorry.  I don’t want to take away any time from your friend.  I’ll let you go.”

“Don’t feel bad,” I insisted.  “Rose understands.”

“Well, make sure you tell her I said thank you for letting me borrow you for a while.”

“I will.”

“I love you, Bella.  I’ll talk to you soon.”

As always, I held the phone to my ear until he ended the call.  When I heard the line cut out, I completed my part of the ritual.

“Me too,” I whispered.

“What?”

“Holy shit!” I yelped, practically jumping off my bed.

“Wait, what did you just say, Bella?” Edward repeated. 

How was he still on the phone?  I heard it click!

“I…uh…umm…” I stuttered, completely shocked and unsure of what to do or say next.

“Did you just say, ‘me too’?  Did you, Bella?” he asked urgently.

My heart was in my throat, and I could hear my breaths coming rapidly and very loudly into the phone.

“Yes?” I squeaked.  I wasn’t sure whether I meant it to be a statement or a question, but it came out as the latter.

To my surprise, Edward was laughing.  It wasn’t amused or humored laughter; it was a joyful, happy laugh.  A small smile broke on my face in return.

“Please say it,” he breathed once the laughter had faded.  “God, you have no idea how badly I want to hear it, baby.”

I stumbled and stuttered over my words a few more times, and Edward encouraged me all along.  There was no way I could deny him this.  It was the truth; the absolute, unquestionable, wonderful yet torturous truth that I could no longer run from.  I hadn’t verbalized it to him out of my sense of self-preservation, but there was no denying how I felt.  After the heavy conversation we had just shared, I knew those words would mean so much to him.

“Please,” he begged one final time.

“Yeah, all right,” I replied, nodding even though he couldn’t see me.  My hands were shaking so much that I had to fist one in my bedspread while the other held onto my cell phone.  “I…love you.  I love you too, Edward.”

Just like that, it felt as though a huge weight had been lifted and I was free.

“Thank you, Bella,” he sighed.  “That is the most amazing…I’m just…you have no idea how happy I am right now.”

We probably could have stayed on the phone for another six hours after that, but we ended our call a few minutes later since I needed to get back to Rosalie. I made my way out to the kitchen, still feeling stunned, dumbfounded, and all-around pleased.

“What’s with the big dumb smile there, Belly Button?” Emmett asked.  “Was that call just an excuse for phone sex?”

Rosalie smacked his arm at the same time that I scowled and gave him the stink eye.  “No, you hairy gorilla.  There was just something a little, umm, unexpected.”

“Like what?” Rosalie asked, smirking at me conspiratorially.  “I want deets here, missy.”

I shook my head at them, but it was useless.  They eventually dragged the truth out of me, and their reactions were priceless.  Emmett looked concerned but still smiled back at me.  Rosalie hugged me and muttered something like, “It’s about time.”

We didn’t dwell on it for too long.  Thinking about Edward was incredibly distracting, and I was still quite stunned that I had actually told him how I felt.  Even after all this time away, my feelings hadn’t changed.  It took some extra effort, but I did well with pushing thoughts of him away for the time being.  Rosalie was only staying for a week, and I didn’t want to waste any of our time together. 

Having her with me again was wonderful.  There really weren’t words to describe how refreshing and comfortable it was to spend quality time with my best friend again.  The February weather wasn’t the greatest, but it was still very nice, all things considered.  She definitely enjoyed February in California more than the winter months in Washington.  I showed her around the city and all my favorite places, and we took her out almost every night.  I had made more friends since moving, and several of them joined in with the usual crowd to give Rose the full L.A. experience. 

We spent several nights at Rendezvous, and there was no doubt that Rosalie loved it there.  She got to hear both Maggie and Jasper DJ, she met more celebrities and professional athletes than we could remember, and it was an all around good time.  She even stepped behind the bar for an hour one night when things got busier than usual.  Emmett, who had seen her bartending skills back in Washington, was quite impressed with how well she worked under pressure.

Alice and I were getting along even better than a few months prior.  Thanks to Maggie and Jasper, I was able to see her in a different light.  If two people I liked and cared for so much could see something redeemable and worthwhile in Alice, I wanted to see past the issues we had.  The more I saw her with Jasper, the more I understood that she loved him fiercely.  Despite being a little volatile at times, they brought out a special light in each other’s eyes.  I wouldn’t go so far to call Alice my friend, but we got along enough to feel comfortable in the same space.  Once she accepted that nothing significant happened with Jasper and me, and that he wanted her above anyone else, her insecurities and fears faded.  Her music career was taking off, and I was happy to support her, even if we would never be close.  It was a fact I had accepted long ago.

We were all excited that Alice had a show while Rosalie was in town so that my best friend could see her play.  That was the night Rose ended up in Emmett’s lap at the bar.  She mysteriously disappeared when we got home that night, and by the time she crawled into bed with me, I had long since been asleep.

That particular development was incredibly amusing for me, while equal parts exciting and gratifying.  For as long as I had known Rosalie, I had been telling her that they would be a good match, but things never seemed to line up for them.  I could see that telltale spark of attraction the first time they met, but the circumstances weren’t right.  Now that they were presented with the opportunity, my prediction seemed to be coming true.  It made me giddy just thinking about my favorite people finding a little bit of happiness together.

Seeing the lovesick affection in Emmett’s eyes when Rosalie was around, I was not the least bit surprised that he suggested she come back and spend the summer with us before her fall semester of school began.  I was even less surprised when she agreed that it would be a good idea and started discussing the details.  With the promise of a bartending position at the club and a place to stay, Rosalie’s decision was made before I could even blink.

No matter what her motivations, whether they were me, Emmett, or a combination of both, I didn’t care.  As long as my babygirl was coming to spend a significant amount of time with me, I would be happy.  It would allow me – and perhaps Emmett – to sink our claws a little deeper and maybe convince here to make a permanent move.

Either way, there were a few months in between her visit and the summer.  Anything could happen, so I only allowed myself a small amount of fantastical scenarios of playing Maid of Honor in Rosalie and Emmett’s wedding.  I didn’t mention such daydreams to either of them…yet.

After a tearful goodbye at the airport, Emmett guided me back to his Jeep where I proceeded to pout and blubber about how much I missed Rosalie already.  Once I got through that, I noticed the forlorn look he wore and began teasing him about his disappointment in that parting.  The goodbye kiss and long embrace they shared had been more than friendly…

Channeling my best Miss Congeniality, I began singing to him.  “You like my beeeeeeest friend.  You want to kiiiiiiiiss her.  You want to looooooove her!”

“Nuh uh,” he countered oh-so-eloquently, which I teased him about even more.  “What do you expect?  Girl is a stone cold fox.”

I laughed hard at his lame description, but it was actually really cute.

“Ladies just can’t resist the dimples,” he added with a cocky shrug.

“You’re such a jackass,” I said, rolling my eyes.  “But I like this pairing, so don’t go and do anything stupid.  I know where you live, buddy.”

We bantered a little longer about the new love connection, but he knew that I approved.  Circumstances wouldn’t really allow much to develop until summer, so it was all up in the air anyway.  Then again, I was one to talk, considering that I had been on a grand total of two dates since moving to California.  Two dates that fizzled before the night was over, I might add.  It wasn’t that I hadn’t tried to move on from Edward, considering that our situation was still looking impossible, but I had honestly lost interest in the dating and hook-up game.  At first, it was difficult to get used to not having sex nearly every day, but as time passed, it wasn’t so bad.

There had been opportunities.  I had been asked out a number of times and had even given a couple guys a shot, but no one held my interest.  Emmett worried that I was damaging myself emotionally by holding out for Edward, yet I never saw it that way.  Perhaps it was a combination of things – the personal growth I was making, my lifestyle changes, and the hope that maybe someday, Edward and I could be together.

A part of me missed the constant affection I had grown accustomed to back home, but I recognized that anything or anyone I pursued would probably only be a distraction.  I didn’t believe that I couldn’t feel a spark with someone else, I just hadn’t.  If I thought there was a possibility for something real with another man, I wouldn’t rule it out, but that wasn’t happening.  In the meantime, I understood that a little time as a true single woman was good for me.  I was getting to know myself again, and it was making me a stronger person.  I was…happy to be unattached. 

While my friends worried that I was missing out on life, it never felt that way to me.  I was pleased with who I was becoming.  Instead of centering my life on the attention I could garner from men and using it as a measurement of my self-worth, I was now focusing on being an all around better person. I had used my sexuality to regain my confidence after James, but I no longer needed to use men that way.  I found contentment in other places, and my old vices slowly lost their luster.

I still missed Edward and often felt quite lonely when our telephone conversations would end, but it wasn’t quite as agonizing as it used to be.  We were going through so much in our respective lives, and I finally believed that we were both less broken than we had been a year ago.  I had learned so much about myself, about Edward, and about the way we functioned in our friendship.

There really hadn’t been time to talk since Rosalie arrived, so I sent him a text and set up a phone date after Emmett and I returned home from the airport.

“Hey,” he said after answering on the first ring.

“Hey,” I replied lightly.

“I’ve missed you this week.”

“You too.  A bunch.”

“Yeah? Tell me about your visit with Rose.”

We spent a good forty-five minutes discussing everything we had done during her brief stay.  In that time, I had changed into my pajamas, brushed my teeth, and painted my toenails.  As I settled into my bed and that part of the conversation lulled, Edward brought up something new.

“I think it’s time I told you about high school,” he said, but I really had no idea what that meant at first.  As I thought it over, I remembered him once telling me that something bad had happened to him in high school, and Carissa was the only person who really stuck by him.  “Please just hear me out, and remember that I was a kid when all this stuff happened.  I made some stupid mistakes, and if I could go back and do things differently, I probably would.”

“Hey,” I interrupted.  “I have no idea what you’re talking about, so why don’t you go ahead.  I think I can handle whatever it is you have to say, all right?”

“I know you can.  It’s just been a really long time since I’ve had to tell anyone about this,” he said.  “Honestly, I’ve never actually told anyone outside my family about it.  The only people who know the full story are my family and Carissa’s, and that’s because she’s always been around.”

“I’m listening.  Go on, Edward.”

“Okay,” he agreed, taking a big breath and blowing it out loudly.  “I just don’t want you to think less of me for being a stupid kid.  I’ve really fucked up a lot in my life.”

After reassuring him several times that it was highly unlikely that my feelings or opinions of him would change based on whatever he had to say, he finally relented and began.

“You remember what it’s like to be in high school.  I don’t think I was all that different from anyone else my age. There were people who drank and those who didn’t.  Some people smoked pot or maybe even dabbled in harder drugs and others chose not to.  Many of my classmates were having sex.  Most were in relationships, but it wasn’t unusual for hook-ups to occur outside those boundaries.  All the same, I also knew people who carried their virginity with them to college.

“We were all different, but we were all the same.  No matter what choices we made, everyone was just trying to figure out who they were, and have a good time along the way.  High school is discovery and survival when you have no idea what real life is actually like.”

“Yeah, I completely agree with you about all of that,” I said, trying to offer some comfort as he continued.  “High school was all hormones and attitude, and everyone was trying to do adult things when we had no experience to go by.”

“Exactly,” he replied.  Assured that we were on the same page, he continued.  “Well, at sixteen, my good time included having sex with Julie Summerville every Friday night when her parents had their date night. They were loaded and had a penthouse apartment in the city they would stay at, leaving Julie home with her grandma.  From what she told me, Fridays were their designated time to get away from their role as parents and enjoy the theater and dinners in Seattle.  To Julie’s delight – and mine, for that matter – her grandmother was in bed by eight o’clock and she slept like the dead.  Some nights a dozen or so of us would hang out in Julie’s basement.  Other nights it would just be the two of us.  The result was always the same.

“Initially, it started with Julie and me making out at keg parties our freshman year of high school, but over the summer before tenth grade things escalated.  Instead of just meeting up randomly when someone had a party, I started going over to her house on Fridays.  The added privacy of her bedroom gave way to further…experimentation, and we eventually settled into a routine.”

I tried to imagine a teenage Edward – one who was probably a little shorter, a little thinner, and whose skin was a blank canvas without any of the tattoos he now wore.  It was a humorous thing to imagine, yet at the same time, I’m sure he would have found the teenage version of me charming in the same respect.

Thinking of Edward as an inexperienced lover was another odd thought, but we all had to learn somewhere.  It seemed a bit odd for him to tell me about all this so openly, but I trusted that he had a reason.

As the story went on, his tone became wistful, in a way.  He was slipping into a memory, and I wondered if he even realized he was talking to me.  Edward was so lost in his explanation that he reminded me of the protagonist in a play, reciting his thoughts in a powerful monologue.

“Julie was a cute little thing.  I’d guess she was an average girl height with sandy blonde hair and soft blue eyes.  She played on the soccer team and participated in band.  She was a trombone player, I think.  She had a good sense of humor and we shared friends and several classes.  I liked Julie, but I never considered her my girlfriend.  If she had wanted to date someone else, I don’t think I would have objected.  Sure, my teenage hormones would have been thoroughly disappointed, but I wasn’t so possessive of her that I wanted us to be exclusive.  She knew about the times I made out with Gwen Amato and Beth Linley, and I knew that Greg Prattfield fingered her the night of homecoming.  I always had a feeling she wanted us to be more than just Friday night fuck buddies, but looking back on it now, I can see how her teenage girl insecurities would have kept her from telling me so.

“Are you still with me, Bella?” he asked after a brief pause.

“Yeah, I’m here,” I told him.  “Just listening and trying to make sure I don’t miss anything important.”  I laughed inwardly at the way I had become as caught up in the story as he seemed to be.

“Does it bother you to hear about this?”

“No, Edward.  It’s in the past.  It makes me wish I knew you back then.  You’ll have to show me pictures sometime.”

“Oh man,” he groaned.  “It’s probably hard to believe, but my hair was even crazier back then.  I kept it longer, and I don’t think I brushed it more than twice a week.”

We laughed and joked about that for a few more minutes before Edward brought focus back to his story, and I settled in to listen again.  His voice was shaky and nervous, as it had been earlier.

“Julie and I had a good thing going all through our sophomore year.  That is until an unseasonably warm day in late March when she showed up at my after school job crying her eyes out and sobbing hysterically.  I can remember everything about that day – the color shirt she wore, the smells in the air, the devastated look on her face.

“I took my break and we went and sat in my car.  I leaned across the center console to hug her, which elicited a fresh round of tears and shaking.”  The story slowed suddenly, and I heard Edward take a deep, shaky breath before he continued.  “After asking her at least fifty times what was wrong, she finally blurted out that she was pregnant.”

“Oh my god!” I gasped.

“I know,” he said in response to my reaction.  He sounded tired…upset…yet somehow detached from the memory.  I suspected that years of reliving that moment in his mind had caused that.  I listened eagerly and nervously for further explanation.  “My entire world collapsed around me at that moment, but the fear and anxiety in her voice didn’t escape my notice.  We were both scared shitless and at a complete and utter loss for words.”

“Wh-what did you do?” I asked hesitantly.  Edward had never mentioned having any children other than Finn.  A painful knot formed in my stomach and my throat felt dry as I waited for his reply.

“The next day, we skipped school and just lay in her bed together all day.  We cried and consoled one another, but we barely said anything.  A part of me wanted to be angry, but I couldn’t find it in myself to allow that.  There was no way I could blame Julie for it without blaming myself, so I was forced to take responsibility.  My parents had strong feelings about being accountable for your actions and had instilled those ideals in me since birth.  Our family was also staunchly pro-life, as was Julie’s, not that I would ever consider terminating the pregnancy.  I’d never be able to live with myself if I ever agreed to that.

“Thankfully, that was Friday, and we had until Saturday afternoon to spend some time together and work out the details.  Both our parents knew that we were friends, but they weren’t aware that anything more existed between us.  So in addition to telling our parents that they were going to be very young grandparents, we also had to admit that we’d been having sex on a casual basis.  Talk about making the ‘rents proud,” he added sarcastically.  I cringed at his self-loathing choice of words.

“Unfortunately, the only way we could think to get our parents all together was under the guise of a dinner party at the Summerville’s house.  Our families weren’t friends, but they knew each other well enough in the community.  We knew that they all assumed this arrangement was made so that we could tell them about our ‘new’ relationship, but in reality we had a much different kind of announcement to make.”

I felt like I was going to vomit.  This was Edward’s story, not mine, but it still made me sick.  I wasn’t upset at him for getting a girl pregnant when he was so young, but my heart hurt for what they had to go through.  I loved him and wanted to protect him from all forms of pain, but there was nothing, nothing I could do in that moment than listen.  He sounded so fond of this Julie girl, which made a part of me sympathize with her as well.  My mind could not fathom being pregnant at that age.  Hell, I couldn’t wrap my head around what it would be like to have a kid now, and I’m an adult.

“Do you hate me yet?” he whispered after a long silence.  The sincerity of his question broke my heart.  I had to find a way to comfort him somehow.

“No, Edward, no!  I could never hate you.  Please don’t think like that,” I pleaded.  “I feel awful that you had to go through that, and I want to know more, but I don’t want to push you.”

“Yeah, I think I could use a break,” he agreed.  “Would it be all right if I email you this week?  It might be easier for me to explain the rest that way.”

“That’s fine.  Whatever you need to do,” I agreed even though I was dying to know what happened to Julie and the baby.  “You could tell me more about Julie, or anything, really.”

“Thank you, Bella.  I’m so sorry that I’m dumping all this on you…that I’m upsetting you.” 

His tone was so self-deprecating and agonized that I started to cry, softly sniffling and sobbing into the phone.

“Please don’t say things like that,” I begged.  “I’m not upset with you, I’m upset for you.”

“I’m sorry,” he said again, his voice strangled.  I knew he was starting to cry as well, which only served to make my tears come harder and faster.

After drying my face with my shirt and regaining a bit of my composure, I admonished him for apologizing for his past.  “Talk to me, Edward.  You don’t need to tell me any more until you’re ready, but I need to know how you’re feeling.  I know it’s not easy for you, especially if you’ve never told anyone about this before.  It means so much that you trust me with this.”

“God, I don’t deserve you,” he said, growling slightly.  In my mind, I could imagine him pushing the heels of his hands into his eyes and gritting his teeth.  He needed me and I wasn’t there, so I hoped he would talk it out.

“Tell me what’s on your mind, okay?”

“Yeah,” he agreed.  “I don’t know.  I want to puke.  I want to break shit.  I want to drink an entire bottle of tequila and sleep for a week.  Fuck, Bella, I don’t want to talk or think or do anything right now.  I just want you here so I could hold you and forget all the bullshit in my life.”

More tears fell down my face, but I battled myself to keep silent.  By getting upset and emotional about everything, I was only making it worse for Edward.  There was no way I could grant his wish, so I wracked my brain for some other option.

“Hey,” I said softly after a few minutes of silence.  “I have an idea.  Hear me out, all right?”

“Sure,” he agreed, defeated and tired.

Together, we chose a CD we both liked; something soft and soothing and easy to get lost in.  We cued the music up together, beginning the album at the same time from our respective bedrooms.  As smooth melodies and a soothing voice filled the air, we laid in our beds, separate but together, listening.  We muttered brief words about lyrics or parts of the songs we liked, but there was no real conversation, just appreciation of the music.  Halfway through the album, he made a request.

“I can’t…I can’t say anything else right now, but I need to hear your voice.  Will you talk to me?”

“Sure, of course,” I replied.  A second wave of inspiration hit, and I retrieved my copy of Shakespeare’s Sonnets from my bookshelf.  As he listened, I read my favorites to him, allowing the rhythmic words to soothe his pain – mind, body, and soul.

I knew he fell asleep when he stopped humming in response to the words.  Smiling to myself, I hung up the phone and continued to read silently until I was tired enough to sleep.  Things felt exponentially more complicated than ever, but I refused to deny how much everything about Edward affected me.

Over the next couple of weeks, we emailed more than we spoke on the phone.  Edward told me more about high school and Julie, and those conversations got us off on tangents swapping other teenage stories with one another.  I was anxious to find out more about what happened with the baby, but I understood that I couldn’t push him.  If he was being honest that he had never told this story to anyone else, then he definitely deserved the time to process things and go at his own pace.  This was obviously something he kept buried deep inside, and rehashing the past couldn’t be an easy task.

One day while we were talking, he decided that he was ready to go on and tell me more.

“Where did I leave off?” he asked.

“Umm, you and Julie arranged for all your parents to get together.”

“Right.  Well, here goes nothing…  We broke the news after dinner, and Julie’s dad didn’t take kindly to the fact that we had been involved, as we put it, for quite some time before revealing our relationship to them.  My mother just looked at me with wide eyes and then hung her head in shame.  I could hear her whisper something about having raised me better, but I didn’t draw attention to her mumblings.

“As a sign of solidarity, I held Julie’s hand in my lap, and I was the one to say the words and tell our four parental figures that Julie was five weeks pregnant.

“Both our mothers cried.  My father’s face blanched before turning so deep red it was almost purple.  Mr. Summerville leapt from his chair and sent it crashing to the dining room floor.  He took three furious steps toward me, and I honestly feared for my life in those brief moments.  However, as abruptly as he made his way toward me, he turned and stormed out of the room.  We heard a loud crash from the den, and he didn’t return for several minutes.  The rest of us sat silently as Julie and our mothers all sobbed quietly into their napkins.  I hugged Julie to my side and whispered whatever words of comfort I could think of in her ear.”

More than a decade later, I shared their tears.  Edward and Julie had been young and scared.  There was probably nothing more frightening in their lives before that point, and to have their parents react in such a way must have crushed them.  Imagining myself in their shoes only made my tears flow faster.

“Are you okay, Bella?”

“I should be the one asking you that question,” I sniffled, trying to calm myself enough to hide the quivering of my voice.  “I don’t like to think that you went through something like that.”

“Like I said before, it’s in the past.  It sucks to think it about again, but I want you to know everything about me.”

“Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me.”

“Thank you for saying that.  It’s exactly what I needed to hear,” he said, and I could hear the smile in his voice.  “Are you ready for more?”

“Yeah, go ahead.”

“There was a lot of yelling.  Irresponsible, shameful, immature, disrespectful and young were just a few of the words that were hurled around and repeated in yells, sobs, and exhausted sighs.  We expected it all.  Julie and I had discussed many possible outcomes, and we had seen pretty much all of them in the hour after we made our confession.  When someone would become accusatory toward either Julie or me, we came to the other’s defense, leveling the playing field and dividing the responsibility evenly.  The last thing either of us wanted was for the other to shoulder the bulk of the blame.

“My parents and I departed that night with very little resolved.  Julie and I were suddenly thrust into a relationship and future neither of us was prepared for, and there was a lot to decide in the coming months.  I laid awake in bed that night mulling over all the implications of our circumstances.  I was going to be a father, a dad.  I would only be seventeen years old when the baby was born and I would have a son or daughter.  I realized that by the time I graduated from college, if I ever went, my child would be in kindergarten.  There was no way I was ready for something so monumental, but the choice had been removed and it was happening.  I was determined to stay strong and more importantly, be there for Julie in any way I could.

“Returning to school on Monday, we had made an unspoken transition into a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.  No one knew that Julie was pregnant, and we told no one that was the reason we took our ‘friendship’ to the next level.  While our friends ate up the gossip that surrounded a new coupling in our school, Julie and I tried to avoid the awkwardness we were both feeling and put on a good show.

“All our acting was short-lived, though.  At eight weeks pregnant, Julie informed me that her dad had taken a job transfer and they would be moving to Upstate New York in two weeks.”

As I was now prone to doing during this story, I gasped in surprise and heartbreak.  How could someone do that?

“Is that why you’ve never told me about your other child?”

“It’s…part of the reason,” he said slowly.  “There was more to it than just moving away.”

“Is it getting to be too much again?” I asked.  I was concerned about him.  He used to be so closed off with me.  It was quite apparent that he was trying to mend that and stick to our honesty pact, but this was all pretty intense.  If I was having this kind of emotional response to something that happened to him, what was he feeling right now?

“It’s just so hard to find the right words,” he admitted.  “I want you to understand that what happened was not at all what I wanted.  If I would have fought harder, maybe something could have been different, but I had no idea back then what it would do to me.”

“That’s fine.  We’ll take a break.”  Though my words were sincere, I was dying desperately wanted to hear the rest of the story.  I wouldn’t push him, no matter what I wanted.  It would be selfish and rude.  Edward needed my support and that was what I would provide.  “You can tell me the rest whenever you’re comfortable.”

“I think I’ll need to put it in an email.  Like I said, I want to find the right words, and I don’t want to leave anything out.  Do you mind waiting?”

“No, take as long as you need.  I’ll be here,” I promised.

“Will you read to me again?” he asked.  I smiled happily at his request, telling him that I was more than willing to oblige.

Nearly an hour later, I was tired from reading aloud and needed to take a break.  We decided that it would be a good time to end our call.

“Thank you for doing that for me.  You have no idea how much the sound of your voice centers me,” he said sweetly.  “I love you, Bella.  I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Me too,” I whispered before the line disconnected.

………………..

I waited over a week for Edward’s email.  I checked my phone and my computer anxiously every single day, fighting back my impatience while trying to remain understanding and give him the time he needed.  We still exchanged a few texts, but that was the extent of our communication.

The day that the notification popped up on my Blackberry, I wanted to drop everything and read it, but I was at work.  Edward deserved my full attention, and I would give that to him.  I saved it until the next morning, knowing that I could go into the office late if need be.

When I awoke, I turned on my computer and let it start up as I took a quick shower.  Once dressed in comfy yoga apparel, I settled on my bed and pulled my laptop onto my thighs.  Edward’s email was still there, of course.  I took a deep breath, and clicked to open it.

From: Edward(at)CullenAuto(dot)com

To: Bella(at)RendezvousLA(dot)com

Subject: The truth

Bella,

It has taken me days to draft this email to you.  I’ve missed you so much since our last conversation, but it’s been hard for me to get this all down.  Talking to you would have been too much of a distraction, and I would have ended up telling you instead of writing this.  Had that been the case, I’m sure I would have left out a lot of important details.

Please don’t hate me for what you read here.  I wish there was something else I could have done to change it, but it’s done now and I can’t go back in time.  Maybe it’s for the best, maybe not.  All I know is that the road eventually led me to you, and I have faith that things will work out for us someday.  I’ll wait as long as it takes.  I hope you believe that, and I hope more than anything that you feel the same way, too.

So here it goes…

Julie was moving.  Across the country.

Despite all my fears, I was furious.  It wasn’t fair – not to my child or me.  Her parents were taking away my choice, taking away my child.  He or she may not have been created out of love or within the traditional confines of marriage, but that baby was a part of me.  We deserved to be in one another’s lives.  They were going to move all the way across the country and my desires and wishes didn’t matter.  Julie and I were minors.  Even if we had tried to get her emancipated, what would we do?  Would she live with my mom and me?  Would we be forced to quit school and get jobs to support our little family?  Could we survive something like that when our new relationship was based on a pregnancy?  I knew she would never do something like that.  She was a scared little girl who needed her parents to take care of her and see her through this difficult change in life.

In the end, the Summervilles got what they wanted.  They took Julie and my unborn child far away from me, and there was nothing I could do about it.  My phone calls were always refused, but sometimes, late at night, she would call me.  She’d cry into the phone, feeling helpless and alone, hating her parents for what they had done.  I was equally helpless, but did my best to stay strong for her sake.  Inevitably, I’d be a mess after those calls, but never when she could hear me.  I tried to comfort her with my plans.  I told her that I would get another job and work every hour that I wasn’t in school.  I could give up playing sports in order to have more time.  I would save every dime I had, and when I graduated in two years, I would move out there to be with her and our child.  Community college would have to do until we could figure things out together, but it would be a start.  They were desperate thoughts, but there was little else for us to hold onto.

Months passed, and I was still an utter mess.  My friends barely spoke to me anymore because I was more like a robot than a teenage boy.  I lost weight, my hair grew longer than ever, and I became irritable with almost everyone around me.  My parents tried to console me, to snap me out of my funk, to bring me back to life, but nothing worked. 

The only time I felt grateful for Julie’s absence was when word got out around school.  Apparently, someone’s mother knew someone who worked at the OB/GYN office that Julie had gone to while still in Washington.  Once it hit, the gossip spread like wildfire.  Most people had assumed I was torn up because my girlfriend moved away; now they understood that it was far greater than that.

In time and with the growing pressure from her parents, Julie crumbled.  They convinced her to let go of me…that I could never be a proper father to her child.  She was given an ultimatum – them or me.  If she chose to pursue my involvement in the baby’s life, they would turn her out on her own.  It was a cruel thing to do to a scared, hormonal, teenage girl, but they did it anyway.  The prospects I could offer were bleak, and our roads would be paved with struggle, both emotional and financial.  On the other hand, she could remain in a world of privilege if she stayed with her parents.  They would be there to help and support her, and she and the baby would be provided with all the same comforts she had always known.

Two months before she was due, she asked me to give up my rights to our son, for we now knew the child was a boy.  My anger flared as I accused her of being selfish and trying to keep my son from his father.  She was cold, the obvious product of months of her parents’ harsh tactics. 

For the first time since my parents’ divorce, I cried on my father’s shoulder.  I begged him to help me prevent things, to fix this, but in the end he reluctantly sided with the Summervilles.  I can still remember what he said.

“They’ll put you through custody battles for years, Edward.  If they don’t want you in the child’s life, they’ll use any ugly piece of information they can about you in court.  They’ll paint you as an irresponsible child, or worse, as some bitter deadbeat dad seeking retribution.  You don’t want your son to be put through something like that.”

“Is that so much worse than never having a father at all?” I argued.  “At least he would know I tried.  That I wanted to be a part of his life.  Isn’t that better than believing your father never wanted you or that you were a mistake?”

“Neither road is ideal.  Neither will give him a perfect life, but the Summervilles will ensure he has everything he needs.  I’m sorry, son.  Given the circumstances and the distance, I think you should do as Julie has asked.  Let her rest, they’ll both be taken care of now,” he said with a firm hand on my shoulder.  I wanted to scream, but I wasn’t sure I had the strength anymore.

“You won’t fight for your own grandchild?” I asked pleadingly.  It was my final bit of ammunition, the rest long since exhausted with my tears.

He sighed and squeezed his eyes shut momentarily.  Opening them again, he looked me straight in the eyes.  “Edward, not a day will pass when I won’t think of my grandson, but this will be our sacrifice of love.”

Unwillingly, I signed the papers in the cold, stale office of Mr. Summerville’s Washington lawyers.  With that signature, a part of me died that day.

Bella, take your time before you get back to me.  I know this is a lot to process.  I’ll be waiting.

Love,

Edward

I was overcome with grief for Edward, for Julie, and for their son. 

This new information set off a movie in my mind.  Everything I knew about Edward started to come together in new ways.  Fresh connections formed, revealing a greater understanding of this man than I had ever known.

Edward had always been so adamant about not losing Finn.  One of his greatest concerns was being a daily part of his son’s life.  All good parents are attached to their children through love and devotion, but Edward’s need sometimes felt as though it was to the extreme.  Now it made sense. 

He had lost a child.  Not by death or choice, but by force.  He was young and inexperienced with life, and the Summervilles used that to eliminate any opportunity for Edward to be a father to his first son.

I could now see how petrifying and disconcerting the idea of losing Finn could be to Edward.

It suddenly made sense why Edward would want to buy a house a block away from his ex-wife.  All his past insecurities and present hesitations with me were clearer in this new light.  After nearly a year apart, he continued to tell me he wanted to be with me, but did not so much as hint at considering a move to L.A.  I had always assumed it was because he wanted to stay near Finn.  Now I understood that he needed to maintain that close proximity to his son.

I had no idea what this meant for the future, but it warmed my fractured heart to know that Edward trusted me so implicitly that he would open himself up to me as he had.

It made me love and ache for him more than ever.

Another sunny day in Californ-i-a
I'm sure back home they'd love to see it
But they don't know that what you love is ripped away
Before you get a chance to feel it
Back home I always thought I wanted so much more, now I'm not too sure

Yellowcard

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