Toxic - Chapter 2

 

Chapter 2

Peter POV

I awoke alone the morning after Bella and I first fooled around.  I lifted my head to glace at the clock, noticing that it was only 7:36.  Alice and Jasper were lightly snoring in the bed above me, completely oblivious to my disappointment.

For a moment, I thought – hoped – that she was just in the bathroom, but when I saw the clothes I had lent her folded neatly on the arm of the love seat, I knew that she was gone.

I could only imagine what had gone through her mind when she woke up next to me in my bed.  For all she knew, I had cheated on Maria with her, and after the bullshit I pulled last time, I couldn’t blame her for running.  That didn’t ease my disappointment. 

I honestly don’t know why I didn’t tell her the truth sooner.  Maybe I was still processing, or maybe I was nervous about what it would mean for Bella and me.  In all actuality, it was some combination of both.  What was I supposed to say anyway?  “Oh, I don’t have a girlfriend anymore.  Wanna fool around?”

My intentions had never been to seduce Bella that night or anything else of that nature.  I knew that I needed time to process and deal with my emotions after the breakup, but Bella was too tempting, too beautiful.  Keeping our relationship platonic had always been a challenge, especially when she did things that made my array of feelings for her flair.  Case in point, dancing with that douchenozzle at the party.  There was no way I was going to allow some other dude to continue dry humping her on the dance floor while I watched.  That was what prompted me to cut in, pulling her body flush to mine and enjoying the liberty of running my hands all over her back, feeling her move in time with the music and me.

When I first met Bella, I was captivated.  She walked into that room, so sure of herself, and blew us all away with her impressive beer bonging.  Of course I thought she was hot, but there was something in her eyes that made me want to know more about her.  I’ll admit that I flirted because I’ve always been that way, but it stopped there.  It was early in the semester, and at that time, Maria and I had been having a pretty good couple of weeks.  We hadn’t fought, so I was riding high on the peace and happiness in my relationship, even if it was long distance.  While I found her extremely attractive and had a blast hanging out with her, my heart was with Maria.

As the semester progressed, things with my girlfriend waivered.  At the same time, I got to know Bella more, and she really was a great person.  There were always other women around at college, and especially at parties, but no one tempted me like Bella.  I knew she felt that spark between us as well because the way she would touch me…fuck.  It was innocent and indecent all at once.  Between the lack of sex I was having and the tight, curve-hugging clothes that Bella flaunted herself in, my will to resist her chipped away little by little.

I knew I was in trouble the night of that fraternity party.  When I saw her with that guy, I was overcome with this foreign emotion.  It prickled the back of my neck, causing my muscles to tighten and my fists to clench.  I found myself glaring at them – at him – as they interacted and danced. Then, there was Bella, smiling and eating it all up as she drank and drank and drank some more.  I tried not to pay attention to her, but my eyes were constantly scanning the crowds, always drawn back to her.  When I saw him brush her hair back and lean down to whisper something in her ear, I finally understood the feeling that had been building inside me all night.  I was jealous.

It completely threw me.  I had no reason to be jealous of another guy with Bella – no right to be jealous, but I was.  I forced myself to extinguish those burning emotions, pushing them away with everything I had in me.  I hadn’t questioned my commitment to Maria until that moment.  It wasn’t necessarily about Bella; it was the simple fact that anyone could make me second guess my relationship.  As I processed that, I became lost in my own mind, wondering what the hell was wrong with me and when I had become so stupid and complicated. 

What I felt toward Bella that night instantly transformed into concern when she told Alice that she was staying at the frat house with that Abercrombie poster-boy jackoff.   She was clearly very drunk, and I didn’t want her to place herself in a position that she would regret in the morning.  I went to her as a friend, but she insisted on staying, and there was nothing I could do about that.  She seemed almost antagonistic in her response, which I assumed had something to do with the alcohol.

The next time I saw her was right before spring break, and it seemed like she was avoiding me all night long.  I was confused by this, but I assumed it had something to do with me checking up on her at the frat party.  Bella was a confident, independent woman, so she may not have taken my suggestion well.  I had managed to keep my mind occupied with midterms and the excitement of going to see Maria in San Francisco, and I was riding high on that opportunity.  Even with that distraction and anticipation, I couldn’t shake the discomfort of leaving things on bad terms with a friend, even if all our interactions up to that point had been casual.

I decided that a peace offering of sorts was in order, so I retrieved the bottle I had brought from my friend Jason’s room and went to find Bella.   Once I got her to agree to sit down with me, I led her back to that same bedroom, which I knew was empty at the time, and settled in to drink and talk with her.

After my makeshift apology and explanation, our conversation flowed easily.  It was playful, even.  Then, it got to be a little too playful.  The more we drank, the closer we moved toward one another.  I held back the details and real reason for my spring break trip, and I inwardly questioned myself.  The worst part was that I couldn’t stop.  I knew I needed to quit drinking.  I knew I needed to move away from Bella.  I knew I needed to be honest.  But I couldn’t.  The liquor put a wall between my brain and its ability to signal my body to do the right thing.  Through it all, I hated myself.  It was as though I was trapped inside my own mind, functioning, speaking, laughing, but wholly out of control.

Then, Bella did the worst thing possible.  She closed the gap between us until we were dangerously close together.  She didn’t know.  I didn’t tell her.  She was not to blame.  I could have kissed her right there and probably taken whatever I wanted, but I fought it.  Just when I thought my head was going to explode from the pressure of my internal struggle, I jumped away, spewing apologies and berating myself.  Yet when she went to leave, the scars of rejection playing across her face, I couldn’t let her.  Something different snapped, and I attacked her like an instinctual, pathetic, greedy animal.  Fuck if it wasn’t amazing, though.

Stopping and telling her the truth after that were a complete blur.  She ran away from me, and I knew it was no use following.  What would I say?  My apologies would never suffice.  Instead, I let her go, and I kicked a huge hole in the wall while thumping my head against it as well.  When I looked down, the hole was the size of a basketball from multiple blows to the drywall.  I made a mental note to leave the remainder of my Crown for Jason, along with a promise to fix the damage after spring break.

I was glad that I had two days in between to cool down before I went to see Maria.  There was so much to sort out in my mind, and if she had seen me immediately following my encounter with Bella, she would have known something was off. 

She was waiting for me at the airport when I arrived, along with one of her friends who had driven her.  She ran to me, and I couldn’t help but smile at her excitement.  Instantly, she launched herself into my arms, wrapping her legs around my waist and kissing me furiously.  Tensions dissolved momentarily, and I was lost in her familiar comforts.

When we returned to her dorm, we spent the next day and a half in bed.  We both had so much pent up sexual frustration from our time apart, and it was therapeutic to work some of that out together.  She still had classes that week, and I was not allowed to sleep over in her dorm room on weeknights, so I transferred to a nearby hotel for the remainder of my stay.  It wasn’t the fanciest place, but I got a good rate. 

While she went to classes that week, I mostly stayed in the room and got a head start on some reading for a couple of my courses.  I went out a bit, but it wasn’t as fun without her, so I saved most of the sightseeing for the times we could go together.

Things were noticeably different between us once we tore down the sexual deprivation veil that clouded both our minds.  College had been good for Maria, it had changed her.  Away from the bullshit of her home life, she gained a new sense of self, which was great.  She needed to find herself after everything she and her mother had been through.  Unfortunately, her journey of self-discovery in college had also led to some things I wasn’t too fond of.  For one, it seemed that she had become quite the partier.  Not that I had any room to judge, but given her family history, Maria had always looked down upon excessive drinking.  It surprised me that she had become the type who would go out four or more nights a week.  I also found out that she had lot of friends who were stoners.  I didn’t really care what other people did as long as they were responsible, but it was easy for that kind of habit to get out of hand or get someone in trouble.  When I asked Maria if she had been smoking, she casually admitted that she did it from time to time, but something in her eyes and the tone of her voice told me that she was editing.  I couldn’t help but wonder just how often “time to time” was, and how similar she was to that group of friends.

As always, things were imperfect.  We bickered and fought about stupid shit, but at the heart of it all, we were us.  We had been together in some sense for so long that it felt strange to consider not being together, all those breakups in the past be damned.

I left California feeling good about having seen her, but there was still something off, and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it.  I lacked the sense of hope for our future that I desired, but it wasn’t just that.  There was something more.

With my mind freshly focused on my girlfriend, I returned to school and resumed my life there.  I hoped that things would blow over with Bella, but I couldn’t really tell because she wasn’t around as often.  When she was, she was friendly and casual, and that flirtatious undertone was gone, so I talked myself into believing that we were fine and that her less frequent appearances at our friends’ parties had nothing to do with me.

Then came the day we first had lunch together.  I felt like a complete ass because it quickly became evident that she was upset by my actions.  More than anything, she was hurt that I had not been honest with her about my relationship. 

I tried to explain that things were complicated, but it was hard to make someone understand without going into detail.  Frankly, those details were very private to Maria, and I didn’t feel at liberty to share them with people in order to justify myself.  Jasper knew about Maria, but I hardly ever talked to him about that stuff.  He accepted that I was private and didn’t push me.

Back in high school, she had been through a lot.  We started dating the way that most high school students do: we had some classes together, mutual friends, a spark ignited.  Things were good and fun for a while, up until the day we were fooling around and I saw a huge bruise on her ass.  Upon inspection, I noticed another on her forearm and a lighter one at her hairline that she had covered with make-up.

After a great deal of coaxing, she finally, tearfully, admitted that her step-father had been beating the shit out of her mother regularly for more than a year, and he had begun taking some of that anger out on her when she tried to defend her mother.  Those particular bruises were from him literally kicking her in the ass while wearing work boots, thus slamming her into a wall, which caused the other two bruises.

With that truth revealed, her vulnerability surfaced in a way I had never seen before.  Our relationship had been simple and fun up until that time, but it quickly turned into something more serious. 

Maria tried over and over again to convince her mother to leave, but she felt trapped.  She was an immigrant on her second marriage with no job, no home, and very little money of her own.  Sadly, she accepted her circumstances, and for whatever reason, whether fear or denial, she refused police involvement.  It was a terrible situation, and poor Maria was caught in the middle.  She was smart and driven, so seeing her stuck like that broke my heart.  I tried to take care of her the best that I could.  She spent most of her time with me, and when she wasn’t at my house, I encouraged her to stay with her friends.

I didn’t want her in that house with her step-father for fear that he would get drunk and do something…unthinkable to her.  I encouraged her to sneak out at night and stay with me, and on the nights that she couldn’t, I would sneak out of my house and go to her.  I didn’t care if I got in trouble for it, as long she was safe. 

Thankfully, the problem eventually worked itself out.  Maria’s step-father got into a bar fight, sending another man to the ICU and destroying a great deal of property in the bar before he was detained and arrested.  During the investigation, Maria’s mother finally confessed to the abuse, and he was put in jail for a long time.

Their churched helped her mom find a job and cover expenses until she could get on her feet.  The school counselor helped Maria research college scholarships, and an anonymous sponsor from the church promised to cover whatever remained of her tuition as long as she kept her grades in good standing.

It worked out well because before that all happened, I hadn’t wanted to go away for college.  I said I would just stay in the area and go to Bellingham University, but Maria knew that I wanted to be in Seattle.  With the assurance that she would not be in danger, I stuck with my original plan.  It was only about two hours from home to school, so we stuck it out and stayed together.

As I told Bella, things got bumpy from there.  Maria was understandably damaged from everything she and her mother had been through, and that gave way to problems in our relationship.  What I didn’t explain to Bella was that the longer I was away at school, the more clearly I could see that the foundation of my relationship with my girlfriend wasn’t typical.  Even though we got together because we liked one another, her circumstances are what truly held us in place for so long.  Instead of focusing on our affection and common interests, we built what we had upon her need to be sheltered and my desire to protect her.  She depended on me, but I also grew to need that place in her life.

We broke up because it was too hard or we fought too much, but then we would see each other again and that old thing would draw us back in.  Did I love her?  Yes, but I knew it wasn’t crazy romantic love.  I wanted us to work, though.  Maria was a good girl who made me happy when we were together.  Being apart, though…that wasn’t good.

Telling Bella that it was complicated was the easiest way to hedge.

I felt like a weight had been lifted after speaking to Bella.  We started hanging out again, both at parties with our friends and during the week to study or eat together.  She was funny in a really dry sort of way, but she didn’t realize it, which made it even more entertaining to be around her.  We clicked in that way you can’t really find words for – the way friendships should be.

Then it happened.  Maria’s behavior changed almost suddenly.  She didn’t call as often and it took longer for her to respond to my texts and emails.  There were pictures on her Facebook of people she never mentioned or introduced me to.  I could tell her partying had increased, and all the while, she was becoming more and more detached.  Out of the blue, she called me one day and said she couldn’t do it anymore.  She claimed that she wanted to wait until we got home for the summer to tell me in person but that she couldn’t stand it any longer. 

We weren’t working.

She had changed.

We had changed.

It was no use holding on to something that would never get better.

She didn’t cry.  She simply spoke the truth, apologized for ending things that way, and hung up the phone.

I couldn’t say that I truly disagreed with her, but the breakup had completely blindsided me.  We had spent years together and suddenly we just…weren’t.  This time, it felt permanent.  It never had with any of our other splits.

I didn’t tell anyone, not even Jasper.  It was my personal issue, so I internalized it and did my best to stay stoic on the subject.  I was less upset than I expected, but still processing everything.  I guess, in a way, I always thought that I would be the one to permanently end things.  Maria had depended on me for so long, and by doing that, she was essentially saying that she no longer needed me.  That was a blow to my ego, even if the feeling was slightly irrational.

There was a swell of torment and self-loathing the first time I considered the new possibilities that came with being single.  Bella was, of course, the first girl I thought about.  I wondered if this was a door opening for me to…. I wasn’t sure what I wanted, whether that be dating or just hooking up.  I knew I shouldn’t have been thinking about that kind of thing so soon, so I forced it to the back of my mind, which had become a bit of a habit for most thoughts involving Bella. 

When she and I were around one another, I tried to be casual and cool.  I didn’t act like I still had a girlfriend, but I didn’t behave as if I was unattached either.  Even if I did want something more with Bella, the semester was almost over, and it would have been stupid to try to start something at that time.  Instead, I focused on our friendship, and I found that I really enjoyed that.

That brought me back to waking up alone.

The night was a blast, just as we all hoped it would be.  I loved that Alice insisted we all hang out after the party because I knew I wouldn’t see my friends for a few months after that.  It wasn’t a salacious thought…at the time.

Even though Bella looked delectable in my clothes that were far too big on her small body, I kept telling myself over and over again to keep my urges and desires to myself.  Knowing that she still thought I had a girlfriend helped, even if it was wrong of me on several levels.  Unfortunately, I was just drunk enough to take advantage of being close to her when Jasper and Alice went to bed.  It was simply an offer for her to share my blanket; she could have said no.  I was elated when she joined me, curling herself against my side and allowing me to hold her as we watched – and then ignored – the remainder of the movie.

I wanted to stay like that all night long, just the two of us in our own little bubble, close together and sharing inconsequential conversation.  She felt right in my arms, not there because it was familiar, but something more…something, dare I say, special.

The time to sleep came soon, and I could not believe she actually thought I would let her be uncomfortable on the love seat.  That idea was almost as absurd as her walking back to her dorm alone in the middle of the night.  I can’t deny that a part of me hoped she would invite me to lie down with her or that I was fucking elated inside when she suggested that option.

Resisting the urge to wrap myself around her when we were so damn close together in my bed was nearly impossible.  I could feel the warmth of her body radiating off her, sense every fidget or twitch.  Her hair smelled like warm vanilla and something else…sandalwood, maybe.  My mom always liked that scent, which is the only way I recognized it.  Even with the smells of the party sticking to her hair, I could still smell her, and it was delicious.  When my opportunity came to hold and quiet her, I didn’t hesitate, and I silently celebrated when she allowed me to stay that way.  I wondered if she knew I was smiling behind her.

There was no hope of sleeping once I had her.  I focused on her breathing and the heat of bodies together, and my hand began to travel on its own accord.  I didn’t want to take it too far or scare her away; I just needed to feel her.  I knew she was still awake by the way she breathed and reacted to me, but she didn’t stop my affectionate, delicate touching.

I moved as slowly as I could manage, mustering every ounce of self-control I possessed in order to do so.  It was one of the most difficult challenges I had ever faced.  My confidence grew with each passing minute that she didn’t stop and tell me to fuck off.  I wanted more, but I was afraid to take it.  Somewhere in my mind, I wished she would put an end to it because the consequences could be bad, but none of those feelings were strong enough to keep my hands from caressing her silky smooth skin.

It all began to blur – the touching, the way our bodies molded together.  When she whispered, “Please,” to me, the only word either of us had spoken the entire time, I lost it.  It was like a rollercoaster.  After creeping up that highest hill with a careful pace, building anticipation with each click of the tracks, stopping is impossible.  The descent is inevitable, and that’s where we found ourselves.  I could no longer not touch her.  I needed to feel her perfect tits and stroke her until she exploded, so I did.  I was taking from her, gluttonously feeding on her pleasure, and I absolutely could not stop unless she told me to.  I gave her the opportunity two times.  I waited.  Her silence was my answer and my one-way ticket to Heaven.

Bella was perfect.  At the time, I had completely forgotten that she would think I was still with Maria.  I just needed her.  Did she know that?  Did she understand?  I wanted everything with her, but I knew that Bella was more than a quick fuck, not to mention a lust-driven, sneaky escapade with her friend and mine in the same room.  What we did was enough for the moment because it had to be.  If we ever got to that point – if I was ever so lucky – it would happen under better circumstances, when I could show her the world in bed and let her scream, moan, flail, or do anything else that she needed.

But I fucked something up.  I didn’t tell her the truth because I was too stupid or too embarrassed to admit that I had been dumped.  Seeing that Bella had left me, I instantly understood my mistake.

There was no opportunity to see or speak to her before I went home.  Between finals and packing my room, I hardly even found time to eat in the next few days.  I wanted to find her and tell her the truth, to apologize, but I also wanted her to come to me.  Not because I was egotistical, but so that I knew she would be willing to forgive.

My reasoning was flawed, of course, but what can I say?  I’m a man.

Summer wasn’t really much of a vacation for me.  The first full day I was home, I started working at the bar.  My uncle knew I could use the cash, so he put me wherever he needed me.  Some shifts, I bartended.  Others, I did inventory or stocked.  There were times I had to fill in for a server or cook, and occasionally, I backed up bar security on the weekends.

I saw friends from high school, but usually not in a social setting.  It was July before I first saw Maria.  She looked different than she had in April, even though it was only a few months prior.  She was skinnier, her hair was cut in a shorter, choppier style than I had ever seen, and she just seemed…different.  I found that I was glad we weren’t together anymore because I really didn’t know the person she had become.  The changes weren’t necessarily bad – though I didn’t try too hard to find out – she simply wasn’t the girl I had once dated.  Then again, I knew I had changed over the years as well.

Time passed and was neither too slow nor too fast.  It was nice to have a break from the school routine and classes, but working still gave me purpose, not to mention money to cover my books and some social expenses.  I hung out with a few girls over the course of the summer, and by “hung out with” I mean “hooked up with.”  None of them held my interest for too long, though one did make repeat appearances in my bed.  I think we both understood that we were just passing the time together.

In early August, I was surprised to see a friend request from Bella on my Facebook account.  I didn’t check it often in the summer, only signing on to see what all my college friends were up to during the break.  Her request had been there for a few days.  I approved it, then spent some time browsing through her pictures and reading the messages on her wall.  Most of the conversations were between her and some of the other Kappa Delta girls, and all of them seemed pleasant.  In a photo album title “Forks/La Push Summer 09” I saw many pictures of Bella with people I assumed were her parents and grandparents.  She didn’t bother to label or tag individual snapshots.  There was also a collection of her with different Native American guys and girls around our age.  I remembered her saying that there was a reservation near her parents’ hometown and that her dad had a few friends there.  I assumed that these were kids of theirs who Bella had spent time with during her summer visits.

I found myself slightly agitated by the frequency of one particular guy in the album.  He was extremely tall and muscular with long black hair tied back in a ponytail.  In every picture with Bella, he was smiling widely, genuinely.  I couldn’t help but feel that there was a reason his face appeared so many times.  I also couldn’t deny that Bella looked happy with him.  My natural assumption was that there was something going on between them, but I couldn’t begrudge her for that, especially considering my summer flings.  However, I did find some comfort in remembering that she said they would only be in Forks for two weeks.  Unless Bella decided to stay longer with Chief Steroids, but I didn’t allow myself to linger on that train of thought.

When I looked down to the corner of my computer screen, I realized that I had to be at work in half an hour.  I must have looked at Bella’s page for over an hour.  Before signing out, I went to her wall and typed a quick message.

“I hope you’re having a nice summer.  From the pictures, it looks like you’re having a lot of fun.”

It was lame, but it was the only thing I could think of at the time.  I had a hunch that “Sorry I’m a dick” wouldn’t have been any better, so I chose the lesser of two evils.  She extended the olive branch by sending me a request (unless she was just being nosy), and I made my peace offering in return.  I didn’t know where it would take us, but it was a start.

A couple days later, I was back on the computer when a chat box appeared.  It was her.

Bella:  Your status says single?  What happened?
Peter:  LOL hello to you too
Bella:  Ha!  Sorry  =P  Hi.
Peter:  So, yeah, we broke up, hence the “single”
Bella:  When?  Are you all right?
Peter:  A while ago.  I’m fine now.  It was…weird for a while
Bella:  A while?  When exactly?
Peter:  Uhh…before school was over
Bella:  WHAT?  You’re fucking kidding me, right?
Peter:  No…?
Bella:  Fucking hell, Peter!  Have you always been an ass, or is that something you reserve special for me?
Peter:  …
Bella:  You know what? We need to have this conversation.  Phone, NOW.

She gave me her number in the next message, and I hesitantly took my cell phone out, dialing her number and staring at the screen for several moments before I hit the send button.

There was half a ring – maybe – before she answered.

“You’re a dick.  You know that, right?”

“Yes,” I replied hesitantly, clearly understanding that I was about to get my ass chewed by this fierce incarnation of Bella.

“You guys seriously broke up while we were still at school?” she demanded.

“Yes, Bella.  I’m sorry.”

“Do you even know what you’re sorry for?  Never mind, don’t answer that,” she said quickly.  “This seriously makes me want to scream.  Tell me when it was exactly.  And how it happened.  Shit, Peter, it was like, less than three weeks before finals when we talked about her!”

I took a deep breath and leaned back into my chair.  I had a hunch this was going to be rough.  “Not long after that.  I thought we were doing all right, but then she called me out of the blue one day and just broke up with me.  That was it.”

“Just like that?”

“Yes, just like that,” I sighed.  “She said she felt bad for doing it over the phone, but that she couldn’t put it off any longer.”

“So I was just some rebound distraction bullshit before you went home?  Or maybe a little random action to stick it to her?  God, I can’t fucking believe you,” she growled.

“Whoa!  First of all, you are not random, nor have I ever thought about you as a rebound, a distraction, or any kind of retribution.  You’re my friend, Bella.”

“You have a really nice way of showing it,” she said sarcastically.

“You know what?  I deserved that, but I’m not lying to you.  I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that we broke up, but it wasn’t exactly something I was excited to talk about – with anyone.  I didn’t even tell Jasper.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“I know,” I said, smiling slightly at that.  Her tone was exasperated, but not harsh.

“That doesn’t make things any better, though,” she added immediately.  “Peter, I thought you had a girlfriend.  After you told me about Maria, I tried to stay neutral and objective.  I put aside our fuck up and wanted to just be your friend.  If you needed me to support your relationship, I was going to, so that stuff that happened between us, it made me feel like the world’s most terrible person.”

“You’re not terrible,” I interrupted, needing her to understand that it was the truth.

“Just shut up for a minute and listen,” she snapped.  I kept my mouth closed.  “I have felt guilty all summer long.  Because of you.  At first, I thought it was harmless that we were cuddling on the couch and talking.  I even convinced myself that sleeping in your bed together would be fine.  Then, when you started touching me, I couldn’t muster the willpower to stop what was happening.  I consciously understood that you were unavailable and that what we were doing was a really bad idea, that it was wrong, but I couldn’t stop.  I didn’t want you to.  Shit, I feel like you don’t even deserve to hear this,” she paused suddenly, contemplating her words, “but fuck was that hot, and feeling so good with you made my guilt even worse!”

If I felt like a piece of shit before, Bella had just multiplied that exponentially.  She was guilt ridden because of my omission for a second time, but this felt so much worse than that first time we kissed.  How fucked up was it that not telling her I was single was worse than not telling her I had a girlfriend?  Not even her admission of how much she enjoyed our brief hook up could make me feel better.  Well, not entirely….

She continued before I had time to consider a response.  “I have beaten myself up over you.  Ever since that night, I’ve been ashamed of myself for being a fucking cheater.  I mean, damn, you were the one cheating - or at least I thought so – but I was ‘that girl,’ the stupid fucking whore who didn’t have the moral fiber to resist someone I shouldn’t have been with.  Do you have any idea what that feels like?  How fucking dirty and skanky and terrible I’ve felt?  For you, for Maria, for me?”

If I hadn’t been sitting already, her words would have made me collapse.  They were like a knife straight to my heart, and I was completely ashamed of the way I had made her feel.  Bella was good and sweet and kind.  She deserved so much better than all of that and better friends than an asshole like me.

I didn’t want to hear any more, but I knew Bella needed to expel all her anger, shock, and pain on me.  In a masochistic way, I wanted her to twist that dull knife in my chest and allow me to shoulder all the anxiety and negativity she had been dealing with since May.

“I’m sorry, Bella.  I’m so fucking sorry,” I mumbled repeatedly.

“It’s not good enough, Peter,” she said quietly, and my heart shattered.  We may not have been friends for long, but I didn’t want to lose her – even if we were a screwed up pair, even if we hadn’t talked in months, even if it was torturous to be friends and not have more of her.

“Please, I’ll do anything to make it up to you,” I pleaded.  “I have felt like shit for not being honest with you, but I didn’t know how to explain without sounding either pathetic or desperate.”

“No, that’s such bull,” she snapped back.  “All you would have needed to say was that she broke up with you but that you weren’t ready to talk about it yet.  I would have understood.  I could have supported you.”

More guilt and remorse overtook me.  I absolutely hated being responsible for Bella’s pain in any way.

“I have felt disgusted with myself, and there was nothing I could do to change that.  Even if you would have just said something in the middle of all that, it would have been better.  I would have known and never had to deal with all this angst!”

“Crap,” I muttered, rubbing my forehead with my free hand.  “All right, so this is going to sound so contrived, but hear me out, okay?  When we were together like that, Maria and our breakup were the farthest things from my mind.  Somewhere, subconsciously, I was aware that you didn’t know the truth, but the only thing I could focus on was being with you, feeling you.  I didn’t plan that.  I didn’t want to just fool around and leave for the summer.  You’re better than all of that.”

She sighed lightly, not speaking for a minute before she responded.  “It’s still completely shitty.  I just…I don’t know where we go from here.”

“I don’t either,” I admitted, “but, god, Bella, I don’t want you to hate me for this.  I like having you in my life, and considering all our mutual friends and the fact that you’re living with Alice this year, it will be extremely awkward if we can’t find a way to fix things.”

“Oh, there’s no ‘we’ fixing this.  It’s all you, buddy.”

“Tell me what to do.  I’ll do anything, I swear.”

“I don’t know,” she whispered, sounding defeated by the situation.

“Anything, please.”

“Tell me what happened.  Tell me about the breakup and how you felt and how you’re feeling about it now.”

I was scared.  There was a huge possibility at this point that I had completely blown my chance with Bella – as her friend and potentially anything more.  For reasons I couldn’t fully understand, that was unacceptable.  It was a feeling I had, something unexplainable nudging me from the inside.  If that was what she needed to work toward forgiving me, I would give her anything.

It completely sucked to talk about, especially since I hadn’t discussed the end of my relationship with Maria with anyone, but at the same time, I found comfort in Bella being the one to hear it.  She had a way of putting me at ease, even when discussing my shitty breakup, even when feeling like a royal fuckwad for what I had done to her.

Knowing that it was for the best, I swallowed my pride and described what had taken place between the time that I told her about Maria and when she dumped me.  I explained my reactions in more detail than I intended, and Bella listened thoughtfully to every word.  I wanted her to understand that I wasn’t trying to hide anything from her, so I did my best to explain my reasons for keeping it all to myself.  I even went so far as to admit not telling her because I didn’t want to risk starting something between us at the end of the semester. 

“I think it’s obvious by now that you deserve better than me,” I finally said.  “I had no idea at that point what you might or might not want with me or how the change in my status would affect things.  I honestly thought it would be easier to just get through the last of the semester, take the time this summer to work through my bullshit, and see where we stood when we got back to school for fall semester.”

“I guess that makes sense,” she said in a small voice.  I imagined her nodding.  I imagined her long, chocolate hair brushing against her shoulders.  I imagined her gnawing on her bottom lip.  I missed her.

“It was a mistake.  I can see that now,” I continued.  “Like I said, I never planned for anything to happen between us, but I need you to know something.”  I paused for a moment, but she stayed silent.  “Even though I screwed up, I don’t regret what we did.  As far as I’m concerned, I’m a lucky bastard.  You are…incredible.”

She made a little humming sound but didn’t respond.  It killed me that I couldn’t see her and gauge her reaction to what I had said.  If I could have seen the look in her eyes or whether a pink blush spread across her cheeks, I would have known what she was feeling, but she wasn’t giving me anything.  I had to accept it for the moment.

“Thank you…for sharing all of that with me.  I’m sure it wasn’t easy.”

“No, but I’m glad it was you.  I appreciate you listening,” I said honestly.

“Listen, I should get going.  My mom is over at her friend’s house, so I promised my dad I would cook for him tonight.”

“Yeah, that’s fine.  I should go anyway since I have to work tonight.”

“All right.  Well…” she drifted off slowly.

I gulped and said what I needed to before I could take it back.  “It was nice to talk to you, Bella, even if the circumstances weren’t great.  And I truly am sorry for everything.  I hope we’ll be okay eventually.”

“Me too,” she admitted.

“Can I call you again before we get back to school?”

“Umm, I don’t know, Peter.”

“Hey, that’s fine.  It’s why I asked.”

“Well, I didn’t say no, but I’m not sure yet.”

We exchanged goodbyes after that and ended our call.

Feeling emotionally exhausted from all of that, I laid down in my bed and took a nap before it was time to get ready for work.

I was anxious for the rest of the month.  Bella didn’t call or give me permission to do so again, but she did text me a few times with simple greetings and messages, so I accepted what she was offering.  As long as I could feel connected to her in some way, I would be okay.

Jasper and I were able to move into our new apartment a week before classes began, so it was a decent amount of time to get everything in order and visit with friends before having to deal with the madness of school.  We were in a building that was unfortunately very large and crowded, much like the dorms, but it was in close proximity to most of our classes and the student union.  From what Jasper told me, Alice and Bella would be moving into their apartment, which was a couple blocks from ours, two days after us.  I was quite anxious too see how things would play out when I saw Bella.

Jasper and I had kept in touch well over the summer, and even though he knew that Maria and I were splitsville, he didn’t nose around for details.  Given the circumstances with Bella, I decided it was prudent to share the details with him before the girls arrived.

I knew that Jasper wasn’t stupid and could clearly sense something between Bella and me last year, but we never discussed it.  I gave him the abridged version of things – that I had kissed Bella while I was still with Maria and that things had happened again after the breakup, though Bella didn’t realize that.  No details were provided, especially not the fact that the second was while Jasper was in the same room.  Instead, I opened up about my confusing feelings for her and what to expect when she came around.  He was non-judgmental about things and assured me that he was always around to talk if I needed it.  I appreciated his words and promised myself that I would try to be more open in the future, at least with Jasper and Bella.

I wasn’t especially surprised that Bella seemed to avoid me.  We all ended up at the same back to school party two nights before classes started.  She looked at me nervously when she and Alice walked in, her face paling for a moment before she offered me a weak smile.  I was respectful of her hesitance and didn’t try to get too close that night.  We drifted around one another, but never personally interacted.  If Alice noticed, she didn’t say anything that I was aware of. 

Despite our lack of communication, I couldn’t keep my eyes off her whenever we were in the same room.  She looked good, like, really good.  Better than she had last semester, in fact.  At first, I thought I was just convincing myself about that since she was such a frequent player in my thoughts lately, but after a few minutes of quiet observation, I knew it wasn’t just in my head.  Her hair was just slightly different.  It looked like she had some of those layer things added and she now sort of had bangs that hung in her eyes.  Her body was more toned, too.  Of course, I didn’t really see a great deal of her skin exposed, but in her skirt and tee shirt, I noticed that she had more definition.  It made me wonder if she had been working out over the summer or if it was something she had done recreationally that had caused those changes.  More than anything, else I noticed the way her eyes sparkled when she was with her friends.  That wasn’t anything new, though.

All I wanted was to talk to her as the semester set in, but I gave her space.  Inevitably, there would come a time when we would be in the same place at the same time, and we would simply have to talk.  I could wait, though.  I had hurt her and damaged our friendship on my own, and I was dealing with the consequences.  Even if she never wanted anything more from me than friendship, I would accept that.

A few weeks passed with the flurry of new classes and activities, and from what Alice said when she visited our apartment, things were busy in the sorority as well.  I wanted to see Bella or call her sometime, but I didn’t.  She didn’t call me, either, but she emailed.  I couldn’t help but find it humorous that we went to the same school, saw each other at parties, and lived two blocks apart with people who were dating and we limited our interaction to stinking emails.  I would take whatever I could get, though.

They started simple with discussions about our class schedules and what we were involved in otherwise.  One a day was a treat.  As we settled into a comfortable routine, there would often be several exchanged in a single day, but that always depended up how busy we were at any given time.  Each was accompanied by a fraction more comfort, and we would occasionally throw in personal questions or details.  I was getting to know Bella better this way, and I was letting her into my life, practicing my “open and honest” thing through our letters.  Each time one would pop up in my inbox, a huge smile would spread across my face.  Even if we weren’t together physically, we were growing closer.

Homecoming was the second weekend of October, and by then, I felt it was time to end our little pen pal game.  I didn’t want the emails to stop, necessarily; I just wanted to see Bella.  Really see her…and talk to her…and hug her.  It was getting to a point where it was just weird to grow so close emotionally, but then act as if we weren’t friends when we happened to see each other.  I was putting an end to that.

Jasper was going to meet the girls for tailgating before the football game, not that any of us were actually going to the game, and I invited myself along.  Bella answered the door when we arrived, and her eyes widened when she saw me standing behind Jasper.  He gave me a reassuring nod before going into Alice’s room, leaving Bella and I alone in the kitchen.

“Hey….” she said nervously.

I gave her a half smile, feeling just as ill at ease as she looked.  “I know I said I would give you all the time you wanted, but time’s up.  I don’t want stuff to be weird anymore.”

To my amazement, Bella actually appeared relieved by what I said.  “I don’t want that either,” she admitted.

Without thinking, I grabbed her wrist and pulled her to me until our bodies collided and I could wrap her up in my arms.  She seemed to melt into me, accepting my embrace and returning it with a firm squeeze.  It was pure fucking Heaven.  Stroking her hair, I beckoned her to lift her eyes.

“I’m sorry I missed your birthday last month.”

“It’s all right,” she shrugged.  “I don’t like birthdays anyway.  The only good part is that I’m twenty-one now,” she laughed lightly.

“Yeah?  I like older women,” I teased, smiling down at her.

She stuttered, trying to say something, but nothing came out for all her effort.  After holding my gaze for a moment, her mouth fell open and she shook her head.  She looked away and quickly turned herself out of my arms.

“Can I get you something to drink before we go?” she offered, pulling a carton of orange juice from the fridge and moving toward the cupboard for a glass.  She glanced over her shoulder at me as she reached inside.

I nodded.  “Juice would be good, thanks.”

She handed me a glass after pouring them, our fingers brushing accidentally as I took it from her.  I lifted the glass to my lips, tasting the tanginess and feeling the bits of pulp hit my tongue as our eyes locked together once more.  I couldn’t help staring, and I didn’t even realize I had drunk the entire thing in one long, continuous sip until the cold liquid stopped flooding my mouth.  My eyes moved to the inside of my empty glass, then back to Bella.  She chuckled at me and sipped her own juice.

“Thirsty?”

“Uh, yeah, I guess so,” I said, scrunching my face awkwardly.

A moment later, our friends appeared, asking if we were ready to go.  After grabbing our beer coolers, we headed out to the stadium parking lot.

Tailgating was pretty fun, and even though things were a little weird and still a tad “off” between us, it was much better than the avoidance game we had played this semester, dancing around one another but never truly interacting.  I felt as if we were heading in a positive direction.

The drinking continued at a barbeque at one of our friend’s house later.  They had gotten a projector somewhere and had the televised version of the football game playing on the side of the house while everyone mingled and ate.  Bella and I parted for a while, but we didn’t have any trouble acclimating ourselves again when one of us came back around.  By evening, I’d had more than enough to drink that day, and I didn’t really feel up for continuing that into the night.

Everyone split up before dinnertime, temporarily parting to eat, clean up, or nap.  I was doing the latter in hopes that I would feel refreshed for the nighttime festivities.

It turned out to be a good thing that I decided to stay sober that night because Alice insisted we go to a party that was far enough away from campus that we would have to drive there.  I didn’t know the people hosting, but we were all assured that it would be fine.  Apparently, it was a few KDs throwing the party at their apartment with the help of their boyfriends.

Jasper and I ended up spending most of the party together, as the girls were distracted being wild and crazy with their sorority sisters.  We observed them all at play, singing, dancing, and having a seemingly great time.  A few girls made attempts to chat me up and flirt, but I had no interest in any of them.  Being sober also made me realize how ridiculous some of their attempts were.  I kept my eyes trained on Bella at those times, trying to judge how she was reacting to the attention I received.  There seemed to be some sort of spark, but I wouldn’t fool myself into believing that she was feeling possessive.  Something was better than nothing, though.

When everyone was thoroughly partied out, I loaded them all into my car and drove us back to Alice and Bella’s apartment building.  I walked inside with them, not trusting Twelve-Pack-Jasper to escort two drunken females up three flights of stairs on his own.  Bella wrapped her arm around me tightly as I helped her traverse the steps without tripping and falling.  Once we got to their apartment, I took the key and opened the door for my friends.

Bella yanked me across the apartment to her bedroom before I had the opportunity protest and quickly closed the door behind us.

“I’ll be right back!” she announced, grabbing some pajamas and going into the bathroom. 

While she was gone, I retrieved a bottle of water for her from the kitchen and located the aspirin from the cupboard.  I placed them on her bedside table just as she returned.

“Whatcha doing?” she asked.

“Oh, I just got you some water and aspirin.  You’ll probably need those in the morning.”

“Thanks,” she said, smiling as she approached me.  She had changed into thin cotton pajama pants and a tank top that she clearly wasn’t wearing a bra with.  I squeezed my eyes shut tightly and stifled a groan.  I opened them again when I felt her arms wrap around my waist.  “Hey,” she whispered, looking up.

“Hey,” I replied, laughing at how cute she was when she was drunk and I was completely sober.

Against my will, she pushed me back until my legs hit her bed and she shoved me hard, making me fall to a seated position.  Quite agilely for someone in her condition, she hopped into my lap, straddling my legs and hugging me hard.

“Bella…” I warned, but she only held me tighter. 

“What?” she whined.  It was quite cute.  “I just want to snuggle a little bit.”

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”

“At least hug me,” she demanded, so I complied.

We sat in silence, and I kept my grip on her firm enough that she couldn’t rub herself against my lap too much.  Had I not be sober, thing could have gone a very different way, but I knew my resistance was for the best.  Bella wasn’t necessarily saying that she wanted something to happen between us tonight, but it felt fairly likely.  It would only complicate things further, though.  I maintained my sensibility, even as she breathed deeply next to my ear, exhaling with a contented hum.

Her hands moved to the back of my head, massaging my scalp with the pads of her fingers and her short fingernails.  It may sound fruity, but it was magical.  Bella did things to me that made no sense, but I never wanted them to stop.

“Let’s get you into bed,” I finally said, managing to muster up the right words.  She groaned as I slid her off my lap, prompting her to scoot back into bed.  I helped her get under the covers and adjust her pillows, but she remained upright, watching me carefully.

“Don’t you want me?” she asked innocently, cocking her head to the side adorably.

I growled and shook my head, looking down.  “That’s the stupidest fucking thing you’ve ever said, Bella.”

“Then come here.  Just snuggles.”  Her arms were opened wide, stretched out in an inviting gesture.

“Not tonight, Angel,” I replied without missing a beat.  “You need some rest.”

She pouted, looking at me with glistening brown eyes that killed me.  There was a very big chance I would break if she cried, drunk or not.

“Hey, what’s this about?” I asked, maneuvering myself until I was sitting at the edge of her bed, my legs hanging off the side and my body twisted toward hers.  I pulled her into another hug.

Her forehead rested against mine and she wound her fingers around my neck.  “I want us to be okay.  I’m tired of feeling upset or weird or unsure.  I just want us to be comfortable and good.  Can we?”

“God, Bella, I want to be so good for you.”  The words fell from my lips without thinking first.  I closed my eyes and allowed myself to take her in.  I felt her hands on my neck and her breath against my face.  Her vanilla and sandalwood scent took me back to a place I loved and hated at the same time, and the soft skin of her cheek was suddenly in my hand.  I hadn’t even realized I had placed it there.

I continued stroking her cheekbone with my thumb as we sat in silence.  I didn’t want to do anything else – not yet.  My restraint was falling away, so I began to pull back, but not before she pressed her lips against mine.  I held myself there for a long moment, feeling how nice that was, and then I extracted myself from her hold.

“Not when you’ve been drinking, okay?”

She nodded, lying back against her pillow as I stood.  I carefully pulled her blankets up, tucking them around her as she settled in for sleep.

“I’ll see you soon,” I promised as her eyes closed.  I flicked off her lamp, placing a light kiss on her forehead before heading home to my own bed.

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