Outtake #5
EPOV
“What the hell crawled up your ass and died, Edward?”
“Excuse me?” I asked incredulously.
“You heard me. You’ve been acting like a total dick for the past three days.”
“I’m going for a run.”
“It’s nine o’clock at night!”
“Thank you for your brilliant observation. Like I said, I’m going for a run.”
That little gem is the conversation I had with my wife before changing my clothes and bolting from the house…for my second run of the day.
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Carissa and I met the summer before seventh grade. I lived with my mom during the school year, but school breaks and every other weekend I was with my dad. Carissa’s family had just moved in down the street from my dad, and when her little brother found out there was another boy in the neighborhood he became my shadow. I had very little interest in spending all my time with a nine year old, and I’m pretty sure Carissa, who was my age, felt the same way.
Nonetheless, the three of us went to the community pool together every single day. During those two months, I became very close with Carissa and her brother Vince. We made more friends at the pool, but since we were neighbors, the majority of our time was spent together.
When the new school year began I went back to my mom’s house. Since my mom and dad lived in different school districts, Carissa and I only saw each other on the weekends.
As we got older, other friends and activities took up more of our time, but we remained pretty close. In high school, the internet gained popularity, so we made up for our time apart by instant messaging each other frequently. It was always nice to have a friend at another school who I could vent to about my other life. I always had my clique at school and the guys from auto shop, but Carissa was different. She was my friend, and I was hers; nothing more, nothing less.
What happened when I was 16 made me different from all my school friends. I became detached from most of them simply because they could not understand me anymore. We remained friends, but it was as if everyone looked at me with tunnel vision. Instead of seeing Edward, they saw my mistake. But Carissa’s view of me never changed. Her friendship remained, and she was there when I needed her.
Watching Carissa carry our son four years later made me love her in a way I had never experienced. We were young and anxious, but our friendship had endured over the years. We were both so sure that we could do anything as long as we had each other.
Now as I run along the sidewalks in the dark I’m not so sure.
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When I returned home, Carissa had the sense to leave me alone. She barely acknowledged my presence as I showered and climbed into bed. I woke her the next morning before work with a kiss on the cheek, and that evening we made casual conversation over dinner. Once Finn was in bed her tone changed.
“Will you please tell me what’s going on with you?” she asked earnestly.
I took a deep breath and glanced at her from across the sofa. “I’m just a little stressed out.” It wasn’t a lie, necessarily. I just didn’t mention what, or who was causing my stress.
“About?”
“Just…work and stuff. It’s all been kind of crazy lately.” That was better than, ‘The woman I’ve been cheating on you with told me to fuck off.’
“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked. I knew why she said that. We’d always been able to talk about everything. She helped me through the hardest time of my life, and we had faced our own hardships together. But this obviously wasn’t something I could discuss with my wife.
“No. Hopefully it will pass soon. I don’t want to dwell on it.”
“Okay,” she agreed with a resigned sigh.
I just didn’t know how to interact with my wife anymore, so instead of thinking about her romantically I reverted to looking at her as my best friend. We had been friends since we were kids. We grew up together; we gave each other advice on school, significant others and friends. We knew each other for years before our relationship developed into something more.
The more I thought about the sweet girl and faithful companion she had once been to me, the easier it was to behave like a civilized person around her. Those musings did little for my desire for her, but my respect for her as the mother of my son helped me maintain some of my attraction to her. It did not match my attraction to Bella, nor did it make that dissipate, but it was something. It was at least enough to remain as her husband and play my part. Even that little bit gave me hope. It was perfectly normal to be attracted to multiple people at once, even if one of them didn’t wish to speak to me any longer.
My place was with my family, there were just a lot of feelings I needed to work through. As much as it pained me to know that I had hurt Bella, there was little use in stewing over it any longer. She didn’t want me in her life, but I still had my own life to lead. I could start by being a friend to my wife, and things would get better from there. I would make sure of it.
Things didn’t go back to normal by any stretch of the imagination, but as the days wore on I put more effort into treating Carissa better. She didn’t bring up my terrible behavior, nor did she seem to notice the lack of affection I displayed toward her. She seemed perfectly content with our Saturday date nights and a few kisses and hugs throughout the week. I just went along with whatever she wanted, too caught up in my own routine to notice her complacency, and she didn’t seem to notice mine, either.
I warred with my own mind and desires. On one hand I had a family who I loved, and who deserved the very best of me. Finn would always be my number one. I still struggled to be the husband I should be, but I at least managed to be the husband I could be. On the other hand there was a woman out there in the world who had changed me. Her simple presence in my life opened my eyes to new perspectives, and possibilities I never knew existed. The problem was that she wanted nothing to do with me. I could go on with my life and family, but it was impossible to get her or my unforgiven sins against her out of my head.
But what could I do? Bella made herself very clear the last time I saw her. I would try to move forward with my family and hope that in time I could get back to good, but letting go of Bella was much easier in theory than reality.
I wish I could Eternal Sunshine her from my memory.
Endnotes: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is a Jim Carrey/Kate Winslet movie. To fully understand why Edward said that you should either watch the movie, or at least Wiki it.
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