Chapter 27
Songs: Change(acoustic) – Good Charlotte
I didn’t date again after Hayden. I spent time with a lot of men – and women – in a variety of platonic settings, but it never went beyond that. I tried to flirt and play a little bit to see if maybe the dating failure with Hayden was just a fluke, but nothing ever came of it. There were a number of guys who asked me out, but every time, I felt nothing. As far as friendships go, they were fantastic people, but there was never any chemistry on my end.
At least I tried. Now I knew for certain.
I had long since accepted that my heart belonged to Edward, and there was really no way around it. All my attempts to meet someone new were unsuccessful because deep inside, some subconscious part of me knew that it would never really work in the end. I did not purposely push guys away or do anything to sabotage potential relationships; they were just doomed from the start.
Even though things between us were at an impasse unless I moved again, I embraced our fucked up relationship. Edward wasn’t going anywhere, so I took advantage of his time and attention and welcomed the way we felt about one another.
I kept my promise to Emmett and our friends that I would not seclude myself from the social aspects of life, and when we were out, I always made an effort for them. I wasn’t unhappy with my life by any means. As long as I stayed busy, I was usually fine. It was just hard to make sense of anything. This wasn’t the way life was supposed to happen, but it was the hand that I had been dealt. I accepted it, even if the people who cared about me couldn’t understand my choices.
Honestly, Emmett and Rosalie could not say much to me because neither of them had done any serious dating since she left L.A. at the end of August. I knew for a fact that they talked on the phone several times a week, and I saw Emmett furiously texting all the time. I was just waiting for the day that Rosalie would call to tell me she was going to move, and that day came during her Thanksgiving break.
“I hate it here!” she whined into the phone. “It’s cold and disgusting, everyone in Seattle is cranky, and I loathe commuting to school.”
“Sorry, babygirl. What are you going to do about it?” I asked.
“Umm, I think I want…to move.” She practically whispered the last two words, and I wondered why she was being so shy about it.
“Move? Here? Rose, that would be amazing!”
“Who said I’m moving there?” she quipped. “Maybe I want to move to Vegas or Florida…or New York City.”
“I happen to know that you think Vegas is too dry, Florida has too many old people, and New York is for east coast snobs, so unless you’re going for the dream move to Saint Thomas, I’m pretty sure it’s here. Am I right?”
“Yes!” she squealed so loud that I had to hold the phone away from my ear. “Emmett has been saying that he’ll let me work at the club until I can get enrolled in school down there, and then he’ll work out a schedule so I can still work part-time and finish college. Wouldn’t that be great?”
“It sounds like a good plan, but I have to ask, why were you hesitating to tell me?” I inquired.
“I don’t know, Bella. It’s like, you’ve asked me about a thousand times to move down there with you, and I always said I couldn’t. I don’t want you to think that I’m just moving to be close to Emmett now that we’re…whatever we are,” she finished quickly. I could just imagine her wild hand gesture to accompany her nervous rant.
“Rosalie, I love you. I want you to be here,” I promised. “Whether it’s for me, Emmett, or just to work on your tan, I don’t care, woman. Whatever it takes to get you here is good for me.”
“You’re not mad?” she asked.
If I over thought things, yes, it did feel like Rosalie was moving for Emmett, but I knew her, and I understood that she wasn’t quite as impulsive as me. While moving was a decision I made quickly, she needed time to think about it and find multiple reasons to make the change. I couldn’t begrudge her for being different from me in that way. I wanted my best friend close to me, no matter what it took to make that happen.
“Sweet Jesus, Rosalie Hale! Get your ass to California and shut up already!”
“Oh yah! Okay, let me go so I can call Emmett and tell him!”
We ended our call, and ten minutes later, I heard Emmett barreling down the hall.
“Belly Button!” he shouted as he burst through my door. I was lying on the bed reading when he took a flying leap and landed beside me. The entire bed bounced, and the mattress slid nearly halfway off the box spring.
“Holy hell, Em,” I huffed while clinging to the bedspread. “I guess this means Rosalie called you?”
“Dude, Bella, I’m like a kid at Christmas,” he said excitedly, but his expression was serious. “I think I’m in love with that woman.”
“No shit, Sherlock,” I teased as I sat up and shoved his shoulder playfully. “Did it take you this long to figure that out?”
“Nah, but I didn’t want to say anything before.”
“You didn’t have to, sweetie. It’s pretty obvious.”
“Yeah?”
“For sure. You two are my best friends. I know these things.”
The next time Emmett, Jasper, and I were in the house at the same time, I pulled us all together for a little meeting. I told Jasper about Rosalie’s decision to move and explained that the three of us needed to figure out what that meant for our living arrangement. I had assumed that I would move out since I was only supposed to stay there temporarily anyway. That way, Rose and I could get our own place together, hopefully somewhere nearby. Emmett scowled at that idea but couldn’t really object. Four of us in that condo would not have worked long term. Jasper, however, surprised us both by volunteering to move out and leave his bedroom for Rosalie.
“Alice has been looking around for a place to buy lately, and we’ve thrown around the idea of living together,” he explained. “This is as good a reason as any to take her up on the offer.”
“Really? Good for you guys,” I said sincerely.
“Uh, yeah,” he replied, suddenly scratching the back of his neck and diverting his eyes. “I’ve sort of started ring shopping recently.”
“J, that so great!” I exclaimed, jumping up and hugging him. “I’m so happy for you!”
He smiled in a sweet, coy manner that made his single dimple show. “Seriously? It’s really nice to hear that from you of all people, B.”
“Hey, I don’t think Alice will be asking me to hold her bouquet or anything, but we’re cool. She makes you happy, and that’s what matters to me. It took time for her to realize that I’m not a threat or anything like that, but it’s all good now.”
Emmett offered his congratulations as well, and we all toasted the upcoming changes in our lives with few fingers of whiskey.
A week later, I received another excited phone call. This time it was from Edward.
“I, Edward Cullen, am officially a divorced man.”
“Wow, already?” I asked. “Don’t those things usually take more time than that? I mean, I’m glad you’re so happy, but it seems like that went fast.”
“We’ve technically been separated for a year and a half now, so no, it doesn’t feel that way to me,” he said. There was something new in his voice. Maybe it was the freedom. “Since we had already been in counseling and continued to go for mediation after we decided to split, it was all pretty no-nonsense in the end.”
“What about everything else – Finn and your business?”
“Well, we were able to settle that between our lawyers, so we’ll continue the fifty-fifty thing with Finn, and she agreed to leave me with full ownership of the business so long as I stick to the alimony terms.”
“So it’s really over?” I asked carefully. I didn’t want to sound too excited or not excited enough. I had no idea what the protocol was for congratulating your once-lover-now-friend-you-love about his divorce.
Fucking hell. My life is a circus.
“It’s over,” he sighed happily. “I mean, it’s been over for a while, but this is real. Pretty crazy.”
I agreed.
“I want to come see you,” he said suddenly.
“Huh?” My heart was in my throat. Of course I wanted that too, but it had been so long that I never truly considered it a possibility. Hearing those words from him left me reeling.
“I want to see you, Bella. I can come down there. I’ll stay in a hotel or something, but I just want to see you now that everything is settled. I can look at flights tonight.”
“Whoa, back up a minute,” I said, my sensibility finally catching up with the rest of my mind. “I’ll be home in a couple weeks for Christmas. We’ll see each other then.”
“But I want to see you now. I don’t care about the cost. I have money.”
“That’s not the point, Edward. You’re excited about your divorce being finalized, but it’s silly for you to come down here when I’m going to be there so soon.”
“You don’t want to see me?” he asked, suddenly sounding small and not at all like the confident man had I known for the last few years.
The truth was, I wanted to see Edward desperately. I couldn’t count the number of times I had wished we were together or that I could feel his body pressed against mine. It had probably been at least once a day since I moved.
Our reunion frightened me quite a bit. My expectations were all over the place where Edward was concerned. I wanted to see him and kiss him, but at the same time, I didn’t want to jump back into bed with him. My body desired his the same way I always had, but my heart was afraid. I could not stand it if we took things to that level and then I had to let him go again. Having a piece of Edward - knowing that I would have to walk away afterward - was a nerve-racking thought.
“Of course I want to see you. More than anything,” I admitted. “But I don’t think it should be right away. Let’s wait it out until I’m home for the holidays.”
After trying every angle he could to convince me otherwise, he unwillingly agreed to my terms, and I managed to keep myself from calling him back as soon as our conversation ended to beg him to book a flight and come to me right that minute. He probably would have if I’d asked.
The weeks between then and Christmas were pure madness. Between work, helping Rosalie make moving arrangements, and indulging in many phone calls with Edward, I never had a quiet minute. I ended up doing the majority of my Christmas shopping online and having it delivered to my mom and dad’s house. It would be much easier than shipping gifts myself, not that I had the time to actually go to a store.
I already had my idea about what I was going to do for Edward, and I was excited because this would be the first time we had actually exchanged gifts. My assumption was that he would really like it, but I was keeping my fingers crossed.
Emmett and I arrived at Sea-Tac airport two days before Christmas, and it was a whirlwind from there. The remainder of that day was shared with my parents. I went with Emmett to Esme’s house on Christmas Eve, and Christmas day was spent at the Swan household. That night, I went over to Rosalie’s house and visited with her parents. More family events were planned for the day after Christmas, and then the twenty-seventh would be my only “free” day before we had to return to L.A. That was the day I reserved for Edward.
He had me meet him at his house, and I had to admit that it was a little weird. We had never gone to his home. Even though this was a completely different place than where he lived back then, it was still new territory, figuratively speaking.
To my complete surprise, it was not Edward who answered the door. Standing before me was a boy who was practically a miniature Edward. I knew that it was Finn, but I certainly had not expected him to be there when I arrived. Edward had not mentioned whether or not he would be, but I had simply assumed that Finn would be with his mom.
“Hi,” he said, holding the door open with one hand and scratching his head with the other. His hair was the same sort of chaotic mess as his father’s, but it was a deep shade of honey blond instead of auburn. His eyes were a bright green that I recognized immediately. Even as a boy, he had the same straight nose and chiseled jaw line that defined Edward’s handsome face.
“Hi there, you must be Finn,” I said with a smile. He nodded and asked me if I was there to see his dad. When I said that I was, he allowed me inside and led me to the living room.
Edward walked into the room a moment later, completely taking my breath away. My memory and the few pictures I had did not do him justice.
My eyes raked up and down his body, clad in dark jeans and a fitted grey sweater. It felt formal to see him dressed that way, but it suited his lean frame and model-like face. His hair seemed just a tad shorter than I remembered, but it still held that familiar sexy disarray. He was still so hot that I could have ogled him all day, but once our eyes met, I couldn’t tear them away. I was lost in him, and I quickly understood that he was experiencing something similar.
After a few silent moments spent staring at one another, he turned toward his son.
“Finn, this is my friend, Bella. Did you say hello to her?”
“Yeah, Dad. I’m the one who answered the door, remember?” I chuckled at his sarcastic response while Edward shot me a playful but pointed look.
“It’s nice to meet you, Finn. Thank you for having me over to your house.”
Finn asked if he could stay a little longer, but Edward reminded him that it was time to go back with his mother. The objections from the boy continued for a few minutes until Edward finally put his foot down.
“You spent the last two days here, and I know your mother wants to see you. Go enjoy the gifts you got from her.”
“Can I walk?”
“Yes, just call her and make sure she’s home first,” he instructed. “And I expect a phone call as soon as you get there.”
“Yes, sir,” the boy agreed, and he went into the kitchen to make the call. Once he was off the phone, he ran to his room and retrieved a backpack. “Okay, Dad. Mom’s home. Can I come over tomorrow?”
“I’ll call you in the morning and we’ll talk about it.”
“Promise?”
“Of course,” Edward told him.
“Okay, thanks, Daddy. I love you,” he said as he wrapped his arms around Edward’s waist and squeezed him in a quick hug.
“I love you too, buddy.” I smiled at the sight of Edward leaning down to place a kiss on his son’s forehead.
As Finn departed for his mother’s house, Edward watched him from the front porch until he turned the corner and was out of sight.
Once the phone rang and Edward received confirmation that Finn made it to Carissa’s house safely, he was before me.
“Get over here,” he demanded, pulling me against his chest and holding me there in a tight embrace.
My arms snaked around his waist, and I buried my face in his chest. God, he smelled so fucking good. It was exactly as I remembered, and it set off a desperate reaction in me. I held him tightly as he clung to me. His chin rested on top of my head, and against my will, tears trickled down my cheeks.
After several minutes of standing in his living room hugging and running our hands up and down each other’s back, he pulled my face up to look at him.
“You’re crying. Why, baby?”
“I’ve just missed you so much,” I whimpered, blinking away the tears that fogged my vision from his gorgeous face. “I’m here. You’re here. Really here.”
“I know,” he breathed. “Fuck, I love you.” Suddenly, the hand that was beneath my chin tipped it up a little farther, and he ravaged my mouth.
There was nothing slow or romantic about our kiss. It was needy and desperate, speaking a thousand words as our lips seemed to meld together in pursuit of more of each other. As he took slow steps backwards, I followed, completely unwilling to break our connection. He fell onto the recliner, pulling me down into his lap. I readjusted our position until I was over him comfortably, kissing furiously all the while.
His hands ran over my sides with severe force. He wasn’t hurting me, but the movements were rough and needful.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I reassured him, pulling away for a moment to speak and stare into his eyes. They seemed so different. The color had not changed, but I had not remembered the intensity they held when he looked at me.
I rested my forehead against his, keeping my lips locked so that he could only lay small pecks on my mouth. My hands squeezed his biceps, needing to grasp something and hold myself in place.
“Fuck, I’m sorry, love. I don’t mean to do shit like that.”
“Shh…it’s okay.”
“I can’t help myself.”
“Me either.”
I sat back in his lap and we stared at each other for several minutes before I collapsed against him, wiggling my hands between his back and the chair to get closer. We stayed there on the recliner for a while holding one another until he nudged me back.
“Let me look at you, beautiful girl.”
I obliged, sitting back and then pulling one of my legs out so that I was sideways in his lap. The position still allowed for quality snuggles, but it wasn’t quite so tempting in other ways.
“I miss you,” I whispered again. “Every day I miss you.”
“You have no idea.”
“I want to stay here like this all day, but I really do have something planned. Are you ready to go?”
He released me from his hold hesitantly, and we eventually made it out to the car. I was driving my mom’s car since Emmett had our rental, and I insisted that we take it, considering I had a surprise for him. He agreed, but only after giving me the stink eye. The car guy obviously wasn’t amused with my mother’s Sebring. I really wasn’t either, to be honest.
I drove to our destination without revealing it to him until we arrived.
“This is where I get all my tattoos done,” he said when I stopped the car. “What are we doing here?”
“Well, it is a tattoo parlor,” I said, rolling my eyes.
“So you’re getting a tat today?”
“Yes and no,” I replied. “We are getting tattoos today. Merry Christmas.”
As we walked inside, I explained what I had arranged. A few months ago, I had casually asked Edward where he had all his ink done. I called the shop and spoke to his regular artist. He informed me that Edward had talked about getting some more work done on his sleeve the last time he was in, so that was what I decided to do for him as a Christmas gift. Today, Edward would get that work done, my treat.
As Shane, the tattoo artist, prepared the art and stencil for Edward, we browsed through the flash art in the shop to find something for me.
“This is your first tattoo,” Edward said.
“Yup,” I agreed with a smile.
“You’re doing it for me?”
“Well, I’m doing it for me, but I like that you’re going to be here with me.”
“Do you have any idea what you want?” he asked.
I answered honestly. “Not really. I wanted you to help me with that part.”
“I would love to,” he said, bringing our clasped hands to his mouth to place a soft kiss on my fingers. “Let’s look through some more and you can give me some ideas.”
In the end, Edward had a beautiful Celtic cross added to his sleeve on the underside of his bicep. It looked extremely painful, but Edward barely cringed. I couldn’t imagine getting used to a self-inflicted pain like that, but he did quite well.
He ended up designing and drawing most of my tattoo himself, with a little bit of help from Shane. I even allowed him to select the location.
He chose a pretty, intricate B on my right shoulder blade. Some pink dogwood flowers I liked surrounded the letter in a sort of semi-circle, and they extended down part of my back in a delicate, waving line. It was a bit larger than what I originally expected to have done, but it was perfect. The tattoo was something that would always remind me of Edward. What I didn’t tell him was why I chose dogwood flowers. While hibiscus flowers are popular as tattoos, especially for women, the dogwood symbolizes love that overcomes adversity. I honestly couldn’t think of something that was better suited for our relationship.
Afterward, we were both a bit sore, but starving. Edward insisted on treating me to a late lunch at a local Mediterranean restaurant. It was decorated with beaded chandeliers and fancy looking hookahs. The food was delicious, and I was certain that I had never tasted hummus that good before. Once we were full and happy, I drove back to his house. I had set aside the entire day to be with him, but I wasn’t sure what we would do next.
“Why are you acting so nervous?” he asked once we were inside the house.
“Nervous? I’m not, it’s just…”
“What, Bella?”
“I feel a little weird,” I admitted. “I don’t know what to do. I haven’t seen you in so long, and now I’m here, but everything is completely different from the last time we were together. I’m not sure where to go from here, you know?”
His hands reached out to me, unbuttoning my jacket and pulling it from my body as he spoke. “It’s a little strange for me too, but this day has been amazing. Not just the tattoos, but everything. Being able to see you and touch you while we talk is…”
“Amazing,” I finished for him.
“Yeah.”
I helped him with his coat, and we tossed them onto a bench by the front door.
“Bella, this can be whatever you want,” he said as he pulled my body against his, enveloping me in a warm hug. “I’m just happy to be near you.”
“Me too,” I said softly, nuzzling my face into the hollow of his neck. “Can we go sit down?”
We walked toward the living room, and I guided him to the recliner we’d sat in earlier. It was oversized and big enough for two, so it was my obvious choice. We sat side by side, pushing the chair back and curling into one another. It was the perfect way to be close and comfortable while maintaining eye contact.
My hands were automatically on his face and in his hair. I needed to touch him and feel that he was real. My heart pounded as I took in his ethereal beauty. He always hated when I called him beautiful, but there was no better description. From the angular jaw to the unique penny color of his hair, he was so god-like it was almost intimidating. Times like this made me wonder what he saw in me, but his loving gaze and the gentle way he touched me were enough to dispel all my doubts.
How could I possibly go on without this man? I had never felt this way for anyone, even when I thought I was in love in the past. These weren’t even the same feelings I had for him two years ago when we were still involved. Whatever this was, it was stronger, intense, and undeniable. Every fiber of my body, heart, and soul wanted to stay like this with him forever, but I knew I couldn’t. I would get on a plane tomorrow and leave him again. He would continue his life here as I picked up where I left off in Los Angeles.
My mind raced with desperate thoughts of Edward stripping away my clothes one piece at a time. I imagined how incredible it would be to feel his bare skin against mine. My body craved attention – his attention. I wanted him to fill me and solidify our bond intimately. The opportunity was in front of us, begging to be taken. It was so tempting.
I couldn’t, though.
“Are you all right in there?” Edward asked. A concerned look dominated his features, but he continued to smile at me.
“I’m just having a hard time deciding what I want right now.”
“Why don’t you tell me so we can figure it out together?” he suggested.
Steeling myself with a deep breath, I opened my heart and soul to the man who already possessed both. “I have no idea what kind of expectations you have right now, if any, but I don’t think I can handle doing anything today.”
He studied my face as I spoke, looking at me seriously and taking in each word. “Don’t feel bad about that,” he said, stroking my cheek. I hadn’t directly said that it made me feel bad, so it was very reassuring that he understood me that way. “I don’t want to push you into anything. I’m happy to be here with you like this.”
I scooted closer to him, snaking our legs together as my top one went over his thigh. His hand was immediately on it, rubbing up and down with soothing movement.
“Tell me more.”
“I guess…I know things are completely different now, but I don’t want to be your whore. If we have sex, I know it’s all I’ll be able to think about when I go home. It’s going to be hard enough already. I want you Edward – so bad – but I can’t do that to myself.”
“First of all, you have never been my whore, and I hate that you could possibly think something like that, especially after all this time,” he scolded me. “I love you, Bella.” He took my face in both hands and fixed his gaze on mine. “I will never do anything you are not comfortable with. No matter how many times we were together in the past, if you’re not ready for that, I won’t push.”
“Thank you,” I whispered, leaning forward to press our lips together. “Thank you for understanding.” My entire body felt warm just knowing that he cared enough about me to accept my hesitance without anger or frustration. I hadn’t believed that he only wanted to see me for a hook up before I returned to California, but I needed that reassurance he gave me.
As we drew impossibly closer on the confines of the chair, his tongue traced across my lips and willed them to part. We moved from gently caressing to teeth tugging on eager lips until his mouth traveled across my cheeks and down my neck. As he peppered my neck with small kisses, he began singing playfully.
“I want you
I want you so bad
I want you
I want you so bad
It’s driving me mad, it’s driving me mad…”
I laughed at his antics and the play on my earlier comment, pressing my hand against his shoulder until he leaned back.
“You don’t like my singing?” he asked, sticking his lip out into the cutest pout. I reached forward and traced my fingertip over it.
“I love your singing,” I corrected him. “But if you keep that up, everything I just said will be null and void, if you know what I mean.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to make things more difficult. Do you want to do something else?”
“Actually,” I said. “I’m sort of in the mood to watch Across the Universe now. Have you seen it?”
“No, actually,” he said, scrunching his face, probably because I was looking at him so expectantly.
“What?” I shouted, covering my mouth immediately. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to yell in your ear, but seriously? You’ve never seen it?”
“Like I said…”
“All right,” I said, jumping up from the recliner. “It’s time for a trip to the video store. Get your shoes.”
Half an hour later, we were back on the recliner with a few rentals, a copy of Across the Universe I had bought while we were there, and a pile of snacks. Edward turned on the movie, and we snuggled together as it began.
We talked throughout the entire film because it was pretty much impossible not to. No matter how many times I watched that movie, it never got old. Half the fun was discussing the Beatles songs, how they related to the historical references in the movie, how great the actors were, or making connections between different characters and what songs correlated with their names. I swooned over Jude, even with Edward sitting beside me, which he found particularly amusing. He liked the multitude of Salma Hayeks during Happiness is a Warm Gun.
After the movie was over, we put on another and lay together on the chair, even though we didn’t really watch much of the second film. We kissed until our lips were dry and my skin was red from his stubble rubbing against my face. We stayed close, breathing one another’s air as we talked about everything and nothing. When I yawned three times in the span of five minutes, he asked me to stay, but I had to say no. I still had to pack to head home, and I would be cutting it too close if I didn’t go back to my parents’ house tonight.
It was extremely difficult to say goodbye, and the entire exchange took at least twenty minutes. We moved from the chair to standing in the living room. Then we were in the kitchen cleaning up and finally at the door. It took minutes to get my coat, and even then, we weren’t ready to let go. He followed me out to my car, where we embraced, whispered, and kissed until the cold December air became unbearable, and I had to leave. He stood on the porch until I couldn’t see him in the rearview mirror any longer, and he may have stayed out there longer for all I knew. Shortly after arriving home, he sent a text to make sure I arrived safely, which I confirmed.
I hated leaving him, but he made up for it by calling me a few days later to plan a weekend trip to California in late February. Our conversations between visits felt different - more open, even - and though it felt harder to be apart after our visit, it made seeing one another again even better.
Rosalie had moved earlier in February and was getting settled quite well. Between working at the club, she had been researching a few of the universities in the area and trying to decide which was the best option. Taking another semester off was not an ideal situation for her, but she said it was worthwhile to finally be in L.A. with Emmett and me.
Jasper and Alice seemed to be happier than ever, and I found myself extremely glad that all their issues were in the past. I missed seeing him around the house, but we still had time together at work, as well as the occasional social gathering. It was worth the contented smile he wore these days.
I was not sure how accepting everyone would be of Edward’s visit, but things went extremely well. Once my friends saw us together, especially Emmett and Rosalie, they understood that this wasn’t a game. No one liked our circumstances, but it was glaringly obvious that there was real love holding our very confusing situation together.
Edward continued to be more understanding than I deserved about my avoidance of sex. It killed me, but I wasn’t ready to take that step with him again. It felt as though we were slowly working toward some sort of resolution in our relationship, even if we didn’t know what that was yet.
He was breaking down my walls little by little, though, and I had eventually allowed us to slip into a very…suggestive conversation after our visit in December. I was less resistant to his coaxing after seeing him and having his body close to mine again, so what started as playful reminiscing about things we had done together turned into several unforgettable phone calls talking each other through the actions we wished our own hands were performing. The emotional bond and trust were there, but the idea of physical intimacy still scared me. I knew it was a bit ludicrous given our past, and I was constantly apologizing to him for it during his visit to L.A.. He shot down each of my attempts to say, “I’m sorry” without making me feel even worse about myself.
He still slept in my bed, and we behaved like a couple in every other way. We went to my favorite restaurants and places in the area, he came to the club with me, and we spent some time with all my friends. Sleeping with our arms wrapped around one another was the greatest feeling in the world, and I hated when our weekend ended.
An hour before we had to leave to take him to the airport, we sat together on my bed talking. He leaned over the edge of the bed to pull something out of his bag, and when he sat back up, he placed a small red rectangle in my hand.
“What’s this?” I asked.
“An iPod Shuffle,” he answered, giving nothing away in his expression or tone.
“Obviously,” I rolled my eyes. “But why are you giving it to me?”
“Listen,” he said simply as he plugged in a set of ear buds and handed them to me.
I adjusted them in my ears and turned on the device. Unfamiliar music flooded my ears. It didn’t sound professionally recorded, but it was very pretty. First, there was a song on a guitar, and then Edward pushed the button to go to the next song where I heard a keyboard. Pulling one ear bud out, I asked him what it was.
He graced me with one of his beautiful half smiles. “I, uh, have a little more free time on my hands lately, so I’ve been recording some of the stuff I play. It’s not great quality, but it’s something.” He shrugged and tipped his head down slightly, looking up at me nervously.
“Edward! This is amazing! Thank you so much. You really have no idea how much this means to me.”
Setting the iPod aside, I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him to me for a thank you kiss. He obliged and continued for a few minutes.
“I’m glad you like it,” he said, smiling sweetly. “There’s something else, though.”
“What’s that?”
Taking both my hands in his, he kissed my knuckles and looked me in the eyes. “Bella, I love you, and I know you love me too. We’ve had a crazy relationship from day one, and I hope it’s clear by now that I’m not willing to give up on us.”
There was absolute sincerity in his eyes, the need for me to hear his words and understand what he had to say before he left. I nodded my assent, so he continued.
“This long distance thing sucks, but I think we can make it work. I don’t want to leave today not knowing where we stand. I…I want this – us – to be something real, to know that we’re in this together and we’re going to figure out a way to make it last. Can we do that?”
I was completely floored by his request. I had no idea how it could work given our unchanging circumstances, but I wanted to say yes. If he believed that we could find a way, I wanted to trust him to make it happen for us.
Everything had been leading up to this point. All the conversations and confessions on the telephone since I moved, the fact that I had not been able to successfully date anyone else, and the undeniable perfection I felt when we were together at Christmas and now. We were obviously no good apart, but together there was something pure and real. The circumstances that brought us together were shameful, but they were a part of who we were. They were an important piece of our relationship, but in the grand scheme of things, they no longer mattered. We had learned and grown from our mistakes and poor judgment, and now we were on a new path. I had to at least try.
“What about Finn? And your business?” I protested, despite the blazing desire to accept with no regard for anything but us.
“There are still some things I need to figure out, but I need you to trust me about them. Can you do that for me?” he asked. Of course I would.
“Yes,” I said softly.
“Yes what, Bella? Please say it for me.”
“Yes, I trust you. Yes, I want to be with you.”
He made this happy groan-growl sound and pulled me to him. I returned his embrace, and we fell down onto the mattress. He maneuvered his body over mine to kiss me passionately. We stayed that way for a while, and I was consumed by how good the weight of his body felt on me. When my phone beeped to tell us it was time to leave for the airport, we both grudgingly moaned, but made our way to the car with his luggage.
He suggested that I drop him off at the gate so that I wouldn’t have to deal with paying for parking and waiting with him, but I think he knew that was a ludicrous suggestion. There was no way I could possibly leave him when we could have a few more minutes together, even if that meant standing in line to check his baggage.
I held his hand, touched his face, whispered to him, kissed his tempting lips, and pressed my body close to his. He did the same, and it was never enough.
“We’ll figure this out together,” he said quietly as we stood near the security line. I nodded, reveling in the warmth of his hands cupping my cheeks. “I love you.”
I tipped my head up so that he could rest his forehead against mine, solidifying the unspoken bond between us. I had to believe him because there was no turning back from the intensity of my love. If this didn’t work, there was no way I would ever feel this way for anyone else.
He wiped away the tears that trickled down my cheeks, and I kissed his eyelids when I saw his eyes begin to water.
“Go,” I said, pushing him away gently. “I’ll never let you leave if you don’t go now.”
He kissed me once more, then turned toward the line. With one final glance over his shoulder, he waved and I made my escape from the airport before I lost it.
On my way home, I did something I had not done in a very long time. I picked up my phone and called Rosalie, squealing in her ear with excitement about a man.
I am lost in the see through
I think you’ve lost yourself, too
Throughout all of this confusion
I think we’ll somehow make it through
Each day just drags on by
Bringing with you a new life
Just when I think I could die
You come and bring me back to life
And you said,
You can’t change the way you feel
But you can’t tell me this ain’t real, cuz this is real
In this end it’s all I’ve got
So I’m gonna hold on…on and on and on…
...
I’ve practiced all the things I’d say to tell you how I feel
When I finally get my chance it’ll all seem so surreal
Now you’ve got me thinking bout the first time that I met you
Now I can’t forget you
Now I won’t forget you
Good Charlotte
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