Outtake #2
EPOV
Trust (n) - reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
Shattered.
My entire world crumbled at my feet the minute I pushed my son’s door open beyond the usual crack for light and peered at his sleeping form.
From the moment Bella walked back in the bar to the moment I pulled into my driveway the images and memories of my night replayed in my mind. Each smile, touch and kiss overwhelmed my thoughts on a repeat loop.
I pulled Bella’s car into the park and stopped before the chained entrance. It was illegal to be in the park after dark, thus why the entrance was blocked. That didn’t stop us from going in by foot, though.
I took Bella’s delicate little hand and wove my fingers between hers. “Where to? Jungle gym? Fifty yard line of the football field?” I asked, only semi joking in an attempt to thwart the sexual tension between us.
“Dugout,” she answered, pointing in the direction of the baseball field with her free hand. I couldn’t ignore the mischievous grin that spread across her face.
“Mmm…you ready for a grand slam?” I mused.
She stopped walking and turned to face me. “Wow, did you seriously just say that?”
I made a face and shrugged, and we both burst out laughing at my terrible joke.
“Shh…quiet!” I tucked my face into my elbow to muffle the sound. “Do you want to get arrested?” She mirrored my action and we managed to quiet down moments later.
We resumed our walk, and as soon as we got into the dugout we were locked in a passionate kiss. She quickly tugged my pants down, pausing to remove the condom we had to stop and purchase on the way here. It was an inconvenience, but I was rather relieved that she wasn’t the presumptuous type who carried them in her purse. I was pushed backward until I fell to the wooden bench. Bella stood before me running her fingers through my hair as my hands traveled up and down the outside of her thighs. I pressed my mouth against her stomach and looked up at her.
“You are so fucking hot!” I reached under her skirt and yanked those sexy red boy shorts down to her ankles.
“Feel what you do to me,” she whispered in my ear as her body angled down toward mine. She placed my hand over her scorching sex and I immediately felt her arousal.
I tentatively slid one finger between her tender folds and I almost came right there. The sensation was overwhelming. She was wet and ready for me, and she was completely different from the only other woman I had touched in years. I felt momentary discomfort when she rolled the condom onto me; I hadn’t worn one since before I was married. It was a foreign sensation, but one that I forgot about when Bella lowered herself onto my cock.
I allowed her to take the reigns and she moved skillfully upon my body. As if that were not enough, my senses were flooded with her scent, her taste, the curve of her breasts, and the sweet cries that escaped her cherry lips. Each was unfamiliar; a new landscape to discover and claim with my metaphorical flag. She was a mystery to me, not at all like the familiar body that occupied my bed each night. Being with Bella was both a physical and a psychological clusterfuck, and that brought the intensity of it all to a level I had never experienced before.
In my frenzy, my hands explored whatever parts of her I could touch. I kissed her because I just had to, and when we didn’t I kept my eyes trained on hers. There’s just something about that visual connection during sex that make it so much more intimate and intense. I wanted her to feel and see what she was doing to me.
She continued her beautiful torture on me; gliding up and down my shaft and alternating to rock back and forth. When her breaths became short and labored I knew she was close to her peak. I grasped her hips firmly and took control until her body shuttered in my lap. I leaned back against the wall, continuing to move my hips forcefully to bring on my own release. I wanted her to come with me, so I placed a hand between us and stroked her clit quickly. When I felt her start to tremble I let go. Her second orgasm overtook her as I spilled into the barrier that separated us.
Bella was incredible, and not just because I had the hottest sex of my entire life with her. She was beautiful and sweet, fiery and forbidden. Never in my life had I felt such an instant attraction to a woman. Furthermore, I’d never experienced that kind of need for someone. It was lust, yes, but there was more than that. I didn’t know why or how, but my entire being was pulled to her by some invisible, unbreakable cord. Nothing else mattered when it came to Bella, and for that I was powerless. I know that I initiated our interactions and our salacious act in a public park, but the power I speak of was lost to myself. Some inner beast I never knew existed took over my thoughts and words and drove me to Bella until I had her in every way I could for a single night.
I would not regret being with Bella because she deserved better than that. And to be quite honest, I don’t believe in regret. You can learn from your past, but you should never regret it because that just means you’re dwelling in the past and things you cannot change. You take what you’ve done, you learn from it, and you move forward.
No, there would be no regrets for Bella, but I was still forced to deal with what I had just done to my family.
I stared down at my innocent, wonderful child, and I knew that regret or no regret, I had betrayed him and his mother. My wife. I allowed my selfish desires to lead me, and I broke the trust and faith they had in me. They may not ever know what I did, but I would. I felt an ache in my heart for this truth, but at the same time I knew I wouldn’t go back and change it even if I were able to do so.
What I felt for Bella over the course of a few hours was difficult to rationalize, but it was real. Nothing I thought or said could deny that simple fact.
And so I faced a decision. Where do I go from here? I owed it to my family to leave all thoughts of Bella behind and focus my attention on them, but that was easier said than done. Could I simply walk away? Could I deny the pull I felt in Bella’s direction? Would she even be interested if I wanted to be with her again? These were questions I could not answer, and my brain was far too overloaded to consider it quite yet.
I took one last look at my son before leaving his bedroom and I knew the right thing to do. He would be my beacon of truth whenever I felt lost.
Within the confines of my bedroom, I avoided looking at my sleeping wife and went straight into the bathroom. I stood in the steaming hot shower until the water ran cold. I stepped out and dried myself, and held my clothes to my nose before stuffing them into the bottom of the hamper. They reeked of cigarette smoke and stale beer, but Bella’s scent still faintly lingered in the fabric. I inhaled deeply one last time and said goodbye to her.
As I silently climbed into bed with my wife I made no attempt to be near or touch her. Guilt tingled in my neck, but it dissolved as I settled into my familiar marital bed. I would not destroy myself or my family over this. I do love my wife. What I did with Bella was not malicious. It was not something to intentionally hurt Carissa. It had nothing to do with her or Finn. It was about me and my desires, my needs. It was selfish, and therefore I would bear any consequences on my own shoulders. None of my confusion would be displaced to my family.
I woke up the next morning with less than adequate sleep, yet I still maintained my daily routine. As I ran, thoughts of Bella clouded my mind, but I developed a new resolve despite myself.
What I had felt last night could not be changed. I did not want it to be changed. I knew, however, that I had to leave it behind me. I told Bella I would call her, but I couldn’t. I would focus my attention on my family and I would not revisit my infidelity.
That was how I proceeded over the next week. Every time my mind would wander to Bella, I would find something else to occupy my time. I told my son how much I loved him more than usual. I poured my energy into my work and employees. I spent extra time working on cars instead of alone in my office. I lavished Carissa with attention, and we made love nearly every night that week. I went without my usual amount of sleep, but it was working.
The second week was different. The revitalization of our sex life was a worthy distraction at first, but as it goes, nothing gold can stay. As hard as I tried to maintain that fire and excitement between us, it faded out as quickly as it had begun.
I was suddenly hyperaware of my relationship with my wife and the state of our marriage. For the first time in the six years we’d been married I let myself see the truth. Our marriage was vanilla. It was mundane. I was neither happy nor unhappy with her and the life we had built together. There was love shared between us, built on a foundation of our history, friendship, and the effort we put into our life together. But the undeniable fact was that in all the years I had known Carissa, I had never felt a passion or desire for her that compared to the one I felt for Bella. I barely knew Bella and our brief time together was by no means enough to build a future upon, but I still couldn’t shake the overwhelming obsession I now had with her. She was an enigma to me; a puzzle I had to solve in order for my soul to find any peace in our impossible situation…and that scared the ever-loving shit out of me.
I wanted to know her. I needed to know what it was about her that caused this epic stir of emotions within me. I had to discover what it was about her that had me examining six years of marriage in a way I never had before she came along. Even more, and somewhat shamefully, I had an insatiable desire for her body. I wanted to be inside of her again and explore every inch of her delicately sculpted frame. I wanted to hear her cries of passion again and watch her beautiful face when she came apart on and around me. It was wrong and it was selfish, but I couldn’t make it go away.
So after days of holding my cell phone in the palm of my hand and staring at her number under the false name I had created in my contacts list, I finally hit send. In what felt like slow motion I brought the phone to my ear and held my breath as it rang. I mentally prepared myself for her voicemail message to come on, but to my surprise I was greeted by her light and lovely voice.
“Hello?” she said in a sing-song manner.
“Bella,” I said quietly. “It’s Edward. How are you?”
I waited a moment, but she still hadn’t responded. I shifted nervously in my desk chair and looked at my door for the fiftieth time to make sure it was securely closed.
“Bella?” I repeated.
“Yeah, I’m sorry. Hi Edward.”
Silence.
“How are you?” I said a second time.
“Umm, I’m good, I guess,” she said quickly. There seemed to be a hint of nervous unease in her voice, and I felt better knowing I wasn’t alone in my apprehension.
“I miss you,” I blurted out without thinking and immediately cringed at my word vomit.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Did I miss her? After all the time I’d spent thinking about her in the past two weeks, I suppose I did. It wasn’t rational, but nothing about this situation was.
“I’d like to see you again,” I said quickly before she could respond to my previous admission.
“Okay,” was her solitary response.
Okay? That’s all I get?
That’s good, right? I mean, she wouldn’t agree if she didn’t want to see me. It’s not much, but it’s something.
“Bella, are you all right?” I asked. “Are you busy? I can call you another time if I’m interrupting something.”
Good recovery, Cullen.
“Yeah, no, I’m fine. Just a little distracted. Umm, I should go, but…call me back and we’ll plan something?”
I sighed in relief and agreed. It wasn’t much, but at least she hadn’t turned me down. Part of me knew it would be better if she had, but the amoral monster in me delighted in the knowledge that she wanted to see me again.
Note: Edward saying “nothing gold can stay” is a nod to a Robert Frost poem by the same name. It is also referenced in The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton.
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