Bella POV
The happy bubble I had been floating around in all day burst the moment I walked into my apartment. Thankfully, Alice was not home yet, but she would be soon.
After the darkroom episode with Jasper yesterday, I ended up staying at my studio as late as I could. Feigning exhaustion when I got home, I managed to avoid much interaction with Alice, but tonight that would not be possible. I wanted to drive back to that black and white apartment with the red bedspread and the gorgeous blonde and just lose myself in him all over again. Unfortunately, reality required me to face my girlfriend and figure out how I was going to end this relationship. The thought turned my stomach.
A shower was the first order of business. I could only imagine how I smelled after spending almost an entire day with Jasper, not to mention several rounds of incredible sex. My nose pressed into my shoulder, dragging along my upper arm to take in his scent one last time before I stepped under the warm spray.
It was impossible to be anything but quixotic as I thought about him. Regardless of all the imminent drama we faced, I was still overcome with those feelings of new…something. I didn’t want to call it love yet because it was just too soon, wasn’t it? Yes, we had developed a friendship over the past several months, but real love just doesn’t happen that fast. It was assuredly more than infatuation, yet I couldn’t find the correct label for what we shared. With time, I was certain it would become love, just not yet.
That led me to think about my feelings for Alice. Being honest with myself, I was already aware that what I felt for her had been changing. She was my everything for so long, and I developed a sort of tunnel vision in our relationship. As far as I was concerned, she was it for me. We had an instant connection, we built a romance upon it, and that grew into the life we now share. Meeting Jasper was the first and only thing that had ever turned my eyes from the path I shared with Alice. Once I was able to separate myself from my fairytale-like view of our relationship, I saw its flaws. I knew that my attraction to Jasper could be seen as a means of nitpicking what I had with Alice, but it wasn’t. In truth, it was more like someone turned on a light, and I was finally able to understand that we weren’t quite as perfect as I once thought.
Either way, I still cared for her very, very much. I loved her, even if the “in love” part of our relationship was dissipating for me. How could I not feel some sort of love toward her? She had been my best friend, confidant, and lover for three solid years. We lived together, shared friends, and did almost everything together. She was as much a part of my life as anyone could be. Breaking that bond and severing our relationship would be no easy task. When I factored in our physical interactions, I was a mess. I was still very much attracted to her, and the comfort and familiarity we shared only added to our intimacy.
Nothing about this situation would be easy. There was no right way to handle the transition from one relationship to the next, but I was sure there were an infinite number of wrong ways to do so. That reality weighed heavily on my mind. Knowing that I was going to break Alice’s heart no matter what I did was sickening.
I dressed in loose sweatpants and a tank top, throwing my wet hair into a sloppy bun on top of my head. Moving into the kitchen, I noticed that Alice still hadn’t come home, so I rooted through the refrigerator until I decided what to make for dinner. With some loud music blaring through the apartment, my distracting task served its purpose. My hips shifted from side to side and my feet bounced as I stirred sautéing vegetables and sang along loudly.
“And we’re miles from the middle of nowhere and neither of us seems to care, and that’s why I love you so-oh-oh! Shut your mouth, girl, no one has to know!”
When a thin pair of arms wrapped around my waist and pulled me against a soft body, I jumped and screamed, sending my wooden spoon flying across the kitchen. It fell to the floor several feet away with a clatter.
“Shit, Alice! You scared the piss out of me!”
“Sorry, baby,” she said softly, pulling me away from the stove and turning my body toward hers. “You were just so sexy singing and dancing like that. I couldn’t help myself.”
“If you find singing off-key and jumping around like an idiot sexy, then I guess I had your number,” I quipped. My arms found their natural place around her shoulders, pulling us closer. It wasn’t until she kissed me that I realized how easily I had fallen into our normal routine. I felt like things should be monumentally different when we were together, but they weren’t. It was as if this were any other day for us, not the second day I had come home to her as a lying cheater.
“Hey, what’s the matter?” she asked, presumably feeling the change in my demeanor.
“Oh, crazy day,” I hedged.
“You seemed pretty happy a minute ago.”
I shrugged. “Must have been the music. You know how much I love these guys.”
“Okay…” she said hesitantly, but she eventually accepted my answer and moved on to lighter conversation.
Dinner only took another ten minutes to complete, and by that time, Alice was out of her work clothes and settling in at the dinner table with me. She told me about her day and the new advertising agency she was working with for museum promotions.
“God, Bella, you should see this ad exec. His name is Brian, and you can just tell he’s one of those guys who always gets what he wants. Not surprising, though, because he is beautiful.”
I raised my eyebrows at her in question, pausing to take a sip of my wine. “Did you really just acknowledge a man’s attractiveness?” I teased.
“Just because I don’t want to screw men doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate a fine piece of art!” she said good-naturedly.
“Point taken. It’s just not often that I hear you talk about pretty men,” I said, suddenly feeling awkward, but wanting to see where this was headed.
“Well this guy is definitely an exceptional specimen, but it wouldn’t even matter if I was straight. He’s totally doing the intern.”
“No!” I gasped, finding myself laughing at her gossip about people I didn’t even know. It has always been so easy to get caught up in things like this with Alice. “What is she, like ten or fifteen years younger than him or something?”
“Uh, no,” she shook her head. “He is some sweet little blonde with a bubble butt that Brian was ogling throughout the entire meeting. They were totally eye fucking each other, too. I don’t know the details, but it was soooooo obvious!”
I laughed along with her story for a bit longer, but reality ceased my enjoyment quickly. Alice’s words replayed in my mind. I don’t know the details, but it was soooooo obvious.
Did she know something about Jasper and me? Was this story just a ploy to call me out on my infidelity?
My eyes were suddenly glued to my plate as I resumed eating. There had not been anything in her tone besides jest and general gossipy amusement, but maybe there was something she wanted me to realize. No, Alice had never been the passive-aggressive type. She never had a need for backward conversations or insinuation. If she suspected anything, she would address it directly.
But if she could see the sexual connection between those men today, how could she miss the unspoken yearning I shared with Jasper? I had to believe that we were just better at hiding it than her business associates had been.
After cleaning up our late dinner, I was faced with a new predicament. It felt completely wrong to be close to Alice, even though she was still my girlfriend. I had been with someone else today, and as much as I enjoyed her affection, I couldn’t bear the thought of being intimate with her right now. To avoid any confrontation, I grabbed a book I had been wanting to read and curled up in my favorite chair while she showered. When she emerged, I was engrossed in my book, thankful for the respite from all the craziness in my head lately.
A couple hours later, she curled herself against me in bed. I kept my back to her, not willing to face what may come if I assumed any other position.
“You feeling okay, baby?” she asked, the concern obvious in her voice.
“Yeah, I’m good.”
“Good book?”
“Mmmhmm,” I hummed. “You should read it when I’m done.”
“Yeah, maybe I will. I haven’t read anything good in a while. Hey, how was lunch with Jasper yesterday? I didn’t get to apologize for bailing.”
Her question caught me off guard, making me wonder, once more, if she knew something she wasn’t telling me. I knew it was probably innocent, but after our dinner conversation, I was feeling paranoid.
“Oh, it was fine. I mean, we didn’t actually go out for lunch.” Shit, what am I doing?
“No? Why not?” she asked.
“You know, I’m so caught up in my projects right now. He hung out for a while and looked at some of my shots from the trip.” There. That was an honest answer. I was technically lying by omission, but she didn’t need to know that.
“Well that’s good, at least. I’m glad he finally got over there to see your studio. Did you show him around the darkroom?”
Once again, I was thankful that I was facing away from her and that the room was dark. My face was surely bright red and my dumbfounded expression would have betrayed me. “Umm, yeah. He watched me work for a while.” And then fucked me soundly.
Feigning a yawn, I patted her hand that rested on my stomach.
“You’ve been wearing yourself out, Bella. Sleep, baby.”
“Thanks. Good night, Ali.”
“I love you.”
“Love you,” I whispered back, hating myself for not meaning it the same way she did.
………………..
I managed to get out of the apartment the next morning without incident. It was Friday, and even though I had only been back from my trip for a few days, I was grateful for the weekend. For the first time since before I left, I had a shoot scheduled with an agent I worked with regularly. She was bringing a couple of her new models in today for some portfolio builders. I had faith this would be an easy, though long, day.
Stepping into the elevator at my building, I pressed the button for the fourth floor. It smelled like coffee, making my stomach growl with jealousy. I had been in such a rush to get out of the apartment this morning that I didn’t get my usual cup. As the lift chimed the passing of the third floor, another scent caught my attention. I knew I must have been imagining it, my longing tricking my olfactory senses to believe something that wasn’t real. Still, my heart ached for the owner of that scent - my Jasper.
My Jasper.
I smiled at the thought, and all the stress of the Alice situation rolled off my back like water. I would need to call him after my shoot. Perhaps we could get a late lunch together. For now, I wanted to do some editing work on my computer before Carmen arrived with her models.
The elevator doors slid open, and as I approached the door to my studio, I was taken aback. Leaning against my door, ankles crossed and two cups of coffee in hand, was the one person who was always on my mind. For a moment I thought I was just imagining him there, a bit of wishful thinking if you will. It wasn’t until he spoke my name that I knew he was real.
“Bella,” he said with reverence and adoration.
An involuntary grin, wide and joyful, spread across my face. I closed the gap between us and wrapped my arms around him. With my face buried in his shirt, I could smell him with the full intensity I had not received in the elevator. He was warm and hard and all man. When I finally released him, I saw that his smile was just as big as mine.
“Good morning, sugar,” he chuckled, handing me a cup of coffee. He took the keys when I had dug them out of my purse and opened the door for us.
“What are you doing here?” I asked as we walked inside. After taking a sip of the delicious dark roast he had gifted me with, I set it on a table and attached myself to him again. “Don’t you have a mural to work on?”
“I do, but that project is almost complete. I’d much rather spend my time with you than be stuck up on scaffolding all day long.”
“Mmm…” I hummed in agreement, removing his coffee from his hand so that he could fully return my embrace. “But you still haven’t answered my question.”
I didn’t get an answer right away. Instead, he carried me to a sofa that sat adjacent to my computers and sat us down. Rather, he sat down and then placed me in his lap. Our mouths instantly came together, tongues tangling with the taste of his cinnamon toothpaste and the coffee he brought for us.
“Good morning, indeed,” I mumbled playfully as his lips trailed down my cheek and to my neck. I couldn’t keep my hips from rocking against him eagerly. When his hands crept down the small of my back, I thought he was going to guide my movements, but to my surprise, he held me still. “What’s wrong?” I asked as he pulled his head back.
“Nothing’s wrong, I just don’t want to get distracted. I did actually come over here for a reason.”
I giggled and slid back on his knees to listen.
“I have news.”
“What kind of news?” I asked curiously.
“Great news,” he smiled. “I’ve been asked to participate in an art symposium at my alma mater in San Diego. It’s a great opportunity for me.”
“Aww, Jasper, that’s wonderful! Congratulations, sweetie!” I leaned forward, placing a single chaste kiss on his mouth. “When is it?”
“Well, that’s the only downfall,” he said slowly. “I have to leave tomorrow.”
My heart fell. “Tomorrow,” I said flatly.
“Yeah…and I won’t get back until late Friday morning.”
“Oh.”
“That part sucks. A lot.”
I sat silently for a moment. The thought of Jasper being away for so long was depressing, but I wanted to be happy for him. I was happy for him. We had handled not seeing one another for over three weeks while I was gone on my travel shoot and we’d survived that. Granted, we were not together then, but it wasn’t the end of the world. Our relationship is new. I knew we could handle this. Fighting back my disappointment, I mustered up a genuine smile.
“It will be okay,” I assured him. “It isn’t all that long. We can talk while I’m here at the studio.”
“I hate leaving you. I wish you could come with me,” he admitted. His hands traveled up my sides, lightly dancing over my cheeks before moving into my hair. My eyes closed, relishing how good those little touches felt.
“Me too,” I whispered, barely audible. My body fell into his once more, connecting us until we were kissing, soft and slow.
He pushed me back gently, looking into my eyes seriously. “There’s something I’ve been thinking about since last night.”
“What’s that?”
“You know I don’t want to push you, and I don’t want to make your decision for you, but…I thought it might be a good time…with me away…I think you should move out of your apartment while I’m gone. I’ll give you a key to my place so that you have somewhere to go. It will probably be easier to do when I’m not around to complicate things, you know?”
His words hit me like a punch in the gut. I knew that I needed to break up with Alice, but I hadn’t put a timeline on things yet. In my heart, I knew it should be soon – as soon as possible – but this request was so sudden. Out of nowhere, I now had dates and times and expectations to live up to. I couldn’t blame him for his request, though. Wasn’t I the one who had promised him that I would be his? Wasn’t I the one who said I needed to be with him and that I had to break up with her?
Fuck.
Jasper was who I wanted. The life I desired was with him. There was no question in my mind about that, but actually getting there was the daunting part. Why did this all have to be so damn hard?
“Bella?” His sweet voice brought me out of my uneasy thoughts. “You all right?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry. I just…don’t really have an answer for you. I’ll try Jasper, I promise I will.”
“Are you sure this is what you want?” he asked sadly, not meeting my eyes.
I couldn’t have him feeling that way. It hurt me too much to know I was hurting him. Taking his face in my hands, I lifted it until he was looking at me again.
“It’s hard. Really, really damn hard,” I said emphatically. “I hate that things have to be this way, but they are. I’m going to do it soon, okay?” I didn’t promise that it would happen while he was gone, and if he noticed that, he didn’t say anything. That made me feel a little worse inside.
“Yeah, I get it. I just don’t want to hide this, honey. I want us to be able to be together, not just sneak around and have sex. You know that’s not what it’s about for me, don’t you?”
“I know,” I said nodding. Seemingly satisfied for the moment, we kissed again. Just as we began to deepen it, a loud knock sounded through the door.
“Expecting someone?” he asked.
“I have a shoot today.”
Standing together, he helped me right my clothes and hair, and we proceeded to the door together. Before opening it, he leaned down to give me one last kiss. I silently wished he didn’t have to go.
“I’ll talk to you later,” he whispered and then opened the door.
With a wink, he slid past Carmen and the two young men with her, nodding cordially at all of them.
Carmen’s lingering gaze on him didn’t escape my notice.
“Is he a model?” she asked, fluffing her long, thick hair over her shoulder.
“No, a friend,” I replied simply.
“Hmm…he should be. He’s absolutely delicious.” I tried to ignore her bright, mischievous smile as she continued. “Is he single?”
I felt my fists clench involuntarily.
“No.”
………………..
Jasper and I spoke later, but did not get to see one another. The ache in my heart and my body grew for him, but there was little I could do to quench my need. Thanks to Saturday brunch plans Alice made for us, I wasn’t able to see him at all before he left for California.
Nothing could be done about that, so I made it a point to focus on my next step in the Alice situation. Jasper wanted me to leave and move into his apartment by the time he returned. While the thought was thrilling, it also frightened me. We had not discussed specifics. Was it an offer to stay there until I could find another place to live, or did he want me to actually move in with him? Even though I was certain about him, I didn’t want to rush things. Really, I hadn’t thought about what would happen when I broke up with Alice at all. It made sense that I would be the one to move out, since I was leaving her, but should I get my own place? How long did Jasper plan to stay once the mural was completed? What would happen to us then?
Those thoughts plagued my mind day in and day out for the duration of his trip.
On Saturday night, Alice and I had dinner and drinks with a group of her work colleagues. When we came home slightly tipsy, she pinned me to the bed and covered my mouth with hers. It was impossible not to reciprocate. She was so familiar and beautiful, yet when she stripped down to her lingerie, I couldn’t bring myself to do more than caress her tender breasts.
More days passed. Jasper and I spoke when we could, but it was never enough.
I was no closer to breaking things off with Alice. I didn’t know how, and avoidance seemed to be working well for me.
On Tuesday, she surprised me with take-out from my favorite Thai restaurant. We sat on the sofa watching a movie and feeding each other pieces of spicy tofu. That turned into a playful food game, which eventually led to making out on the couch. When she went down on me, I didn’t try to stop her. I couldn’t. She knew my body so well, and the things she did to me were sinful. I knew I would miss that.
I rationalized my actions as a means of saying goodbye to her. It wasn't right or fair, but it was the only way I knew how to deal with everything at the time.
Thursday night was suddenly upon us, and I still had not broached the subject of our relationship. During a heated argument about something stupid like buying regular milk instead of organic, I came very close to calling things off right then and there. It seemed like too much of an easy out for our difficult circumstances, and I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I fell asleep frustrated, more at myself than her. My only peace was knowing that Jasper would be home in approximately twelve hours.
I woke up early Friday morning – too early – but I could not fall back asleep. My nerves were shot. I was no closer to ending things with Alice, and Jasper would be home soon, expecting to find me moved into his apartment. Showering quickly, I dressed casually and headed to my studio. It was still dark out when I got there, but it was the only place I could go to be alone with my thoughts.
Thankfully, I had no clients coming in today, and I could work on whatever I liked. With all my thoughts on Jasper’s return, I found myself leafing through a book of my negatives until I came upon the ones from the night we met. I pulled out the strips I wanted and set to work organizing the darkroom. I filled the sink and trays with their appropriate chemicals and pulled out the paper I would need. The dryer warmed up as I prepared. Once I had everything set up, I turned on the red lights and began my project.
This process was cathartic for me. Each step took care and attention to detail, but it was still something I could do in my sleep. Set negative in the enlarger, make a print, developer, stop bath, fixer, rinse, two runs through dryer. Repeat.
Only this time, there was a single theme to my project.
As I moved the 8x10 print through the developer chemicals, a headshot of a beautiful, light-haired man appeared. God, he was so handsome. Seeing his face in the contrasting shades of gray only made me appreciate his ethereal beauty more.
Things went downhill from there. I worked that way for hours, until a slew of Jasper photographs were splayed out on every open surface in my darkroom. I attempted to print each of the negatives I wanted, but everything that could possibly go wrong did. The exposures were wrong. The paper fogged. I fiddled and fucked with filters a dozen times until the scent of chemicals burned my nostrils and I couldn't go on any longer. I found myself on the darkroom floor with a stack of photos, a few good ones, but most were failed attempts. Heaving sobs wracked my body, dropping hot tears down my cheeks and into my lap. I guarded my new creations, laughing at the irony of my protectiveness.
I had ended up with at least two dozen photos of or including Jasper from the event at the museum. Only one had ever been developed before – a few days after he had dinner with Alice and me. As soon as it was dry, I took one long look at it and tore it to shreds.
Now I surrounded myself with him, agonizing over the bizarre love triangle I had gotten myself into.
It had only been a handful of days, but I missed him. As much as I tried to occupy myself with other things, he was always in the forefront of my mind. Even in the quiet, intimate moments with Alice, he was there, reminding me of my promise.
If I learned anything in our time apart, it was that I could not be without him. I didn’t want to hurt anyone, but there would be plenty of heartache to go around. The only comfort I took in my imminent break up with Alice was knowing it would be a difficult, painful thing for me as well. Yet I would have Jasper to comfort me. Who would she have?
Staring at my new photos, I studied the face of the heavenly man I had come to cherish. My fingertips drifted over two-dimensional cheekbones, rounding on a flattened jaw line, and running along the image of puckered lips. Closing my eyes, I imagined the way each of those features felt when it was my skin against his. I remembered his lips on my body, tongue darting out to intensify each suckling kiss. My heart raced as I reminisced about the sensation of his cheek nuzzling against mine. My body grew hot and uncomfortable with the memory of seeing all of him, feeling all of him, being one…in this very room.
The tears wouldn’t stop. With each cascade and splash, my resolve grew stronger. I channeled every ounce of strength in my mind and muscles. We could do this. I could make a way for our future together. I was uncertain how it would happen, but it needed to happen. I would never know happiness again until I was in Jasper’s arms, completely and wholly his.
E/N: Quoted song lyrics are from Autobahn by Anberlin. They rock my world.
QAF friends will have noticed my little nod to the show.
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