Chapter 5
Song: Sunday Drive by The Early November
Life was back to business as usual, come Monday. Go to work and play with the kiddos, hit the gym after work with Rosalie, clean up and do whatever it was Rose and I were going to do that night.
I like my life. It kept me out of my apartment and left me with little alone time. I'd been so isolated during that time with James that I relished the company of people who made me laugh and smile. I also liked the fact that my home didn't smell like cigarettes or his weird chinchillas anymore, but that’s beside the point.
When I gave ol' James the boot, I revamped everything in my life I possibly could. I still had to live in my white trash neighborhood until my lease was up, but I made the most of it. I bought new curtains and bedding in bright colors and light gauzy fabrics. He'd always insisted on drapes so he could sleep all fucking day; I enjoyed the natural lighting of the sun. I added feminine touches throughout the apartment and trashed that stupid Spongebob shower curtain he was so oddly obsessed with. Drugs, I tell you. Drugs. I made the place mine like it should have always been, considering that I was the one paying for practically everything.
My home wasn't the only thing that got a make-over, though. I renewed my gym membership and started going at least five times a week. It felt so damn good to do something for myself and shed the ten pounds I had gained from my sedentary lifestyle with Stoner Boy. I went to my favorite hair stylist, who I was sure had forgotten me, and had my cut updated. She nearly choked me for the condition of my locks, but I hadn't really been able to afford my preferred salon products living with the leech. I started doing my nails again, keeping up with my waxing, and using the expensive razors that I preferred.
Me. Me. Me. I loved me. I deserved to get Bella back, so I did.
James' Bella was gone. The real Bella was back in full force.
Gah, finally.
That was a big part of the reason I treated my love and sex life so casually. Don't get me wrong, I was safe. I took care of myself and had people to watch my back. I just did what I wanted to because I could. If I wanted to drink six vodka and cranberries and dance on the bar, who could tell me no? If I wanted to be a tease and grind on my best friend in a sweaty crowded club and accept compliments, lewd remarks and free drinks from our stiff-dicked admirers, I would. If I wanted to have a casual sex life, that was my prerogative, so long as I stayed clean and baby-free.
All I wanted to do was have a little fun. One day I would get married and have a family, and I wouldn’t be able to go out with my friends every night. This was my time to enjoy my social life.
I let the Edward situation ride a little longer and ignored another call I got from him on Tuesday. Sure, he might get tired of it and give up, but whatever…I had Jacob. I was pretty sure I could have Garrett or one of the other guys if I really wanted to, not to mention a number of guys outside of that clique.
Yes, there was something about Edward that captivated my thoughts and desires, but I was realistic. What would be the point of pining away after a married man? With anyone else, I don’t believe I would engage in this kind of affair, but that didn’t justify foolishly developing feelings for him. Besides, I liked spending time with Jacob even if I wasn’t trying to settle down with anyone just yet.
Wednesday came around again, and we all did the bike night routine. I’m not saying that particular routine was boring or lacking in any way - it wasn't - just that it was what we did. I got my Jacob fix, and we discussed the blow out party Ben was throwing at his parents' house that weekend. Their house was ridiculous with four stories, eight bedrooms all the size of my entire apartment, and a six car garage. Ben lived in the pool house, which happened to be two stories and nearly four thousand square feet, but when his parents when out of town, raging keggers ensued in the mansion.
Thursday morning, I decided to throw Edward a bone and called him on my way to work. I knew he probably wouldn't answer at that hour, and it would leave him sweating if he tried to call back when I was working.
As expected, there was a voicemail from him when I checked my phone on lunch break. He sounded anxious, so of course I didn't call back right away. I finally gave in on my way home, thus putting an end to my little game.
“Where the fuck have you been all week?” he spat into the phone. There was definitely a hint of annoyance in the way he spoke.
“Well hello to you, too,” I purred, acting as if I hadn’t noticed his irritation.
“I was beginning to think you were ignoring me.”
Haha, I totally have you by the balls, buddy.
“Why would I do something like that?” I asked innocently. “I just had a busy weekend and it took me a few days to catch up. Thus is life.”
“Well I'm not gonna lie, I want to see you. Like, yesterday.” His tone had softened, but I couldn't help laughing at him. Was he seriously this close to begging? That is awesome. I have a married man begging to see me!
We went back and forth about when we could meet up. He already had plans for tonight and Saturday, and I would be at Ben’s party on Friday. Sunday during the day was bad, but Sunday night worked.
We made our plans, and he said to expect a call from him Sunday evening after dinner time. As always, I stayed quite occupied until then.
Ben's party was insane, and Rosalie and I enjoyed getting trashed and being the queen bitches of the house. We wore the tightest black leather pants we could squeeze into with unnecessarily high heels and coordinating sparkly, cleavage-revealing excuses for shirts. Crown Royal, my trusty friend, made short use of any inhibitions I may have had - there really weren't many to be had in the first place - and I was quickly in the Land of Ridiculous. No, it was beyond ridiculous; more like ricockulous.
The size of the house kept the large crowd spread out quite well, and at some fuzzy point in the night I was sitting on the counter in the kitchen talking to Garrett when we found ourselves alone. He'd been eye fucking me all night (not that he was alone in that sentiment), and took advantage of our solo moment. He pulled me off the counter and dragged me into the pantry, which just so happened to be larger than my entire kitchen. Once inside, he locked the door. Who the hell has a lock inside their pantry? Crazy rich people, apparently, but I digress. I didn't really register when we began kissing, but we were, and fuck it was good. I had a sudden understanding why Rosalie and so many other chicks swooned over this guy in the past, and I just couldn't stop myself.
Thank goodness I was wasted because the shelves behind me pressed awkwardly into my back, making my knees nearly buckle. Garrett just kept kissing and pushing me against the shelves in his frenzy. He was licking up and down my neck and shoulders, sucking hard when I pulled away.
“Unless you care to explain a fucking hickey on my neck, you need to quit that shit,” I growled, trying to shove him back for a moment.
“Sorry,” he muttered into the hollow between my collarbones. “You taste amazing.”
“Thanks,” I giggled, and let him proceed. His lips were inching closer to my cleavage, and he had my tits smashing together in his hard grasp. He roughly pinched my nipples, and I threw my head back a little with a gasp.
“Where the hell did all this come from?” I asked between my sharp breathes. The air in the enclosed room was beginning to feel thick and sticky.
“Come on, Bella. I've been waiting for the chance to get you alone forever. Don't tell me you never thought about it,” he said as he straightened up to face me. His hands were still teasing and pinching at my chest.
“Touché,” I smiled, biting at his lips again.
He quickly slid a hand down between my legs and pressed his palm against me. I gasped in response, which he took as encouragement to rub harder. His other hand fumbled for the button of my pants, but I shot my hands down and grabbed both of his wrists.
“What?” he asked as I pulled him away.
“I can’t. Not tonight.”
“Why not?”
“Because I already fucked Jacob tonight.”
“I don't care.”
“Eww!” I shrieked, pushing him off of me. “That's fucking disgusting. No double dipping!”
“Fine,” he huffed, still giving me sexy fucking bedroom eyes. I felt myself moisten a little more. “When?”
“Soon,” I decided. It may have been the whiskey talking, but I couldn’t deny my attraction to Garrett. We’d always had a playful and flirtatious relationship, and his actions tonight brought it to a head. I had convinced myself to further explore this sexual attraction we shared.
“When?”
“I don't know. I need to get the thumbs up from Rose first.”
“Shit! Don't tell her,” he practically yelled. I had to laugh at his frightened expression.
“I tell her everything, dumbass. That's how we do,” I smiled. “Same goes for her. Eight inches? That's impressive.” I looked up at him with the best doe eyed gaze I could muster in my alcohol-induced state.
The look on his face was priceless. Completely blindsided, dumbfounded, and then smirking with unspoken pride. He pulled me back to him and kissed me hard.
“Soon, please?” he practically begged.
I turned myself out of his grasp and moved toward the door, looking over my shoulder with an intentional flip of my long hair.
“I'll see what I can do,” I said casually, peaking outside the door carefully before sliding out and shutting it, leaving him inside to compose himself.
Fucking right, Bella Swan. I praised myself silently.
I went into the bathroom and wiped my neck down with a soapy washcloth, smoothed my hair, and wiped a smudge of eyeliner from the corner of my eye. I walked back to the kitchen, downed another shot of Crown, popped a piece of gum in my mouth and went off to find Jacob. I was in serious need of a release.
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Sunday went by quickly. I slept in until nine before getting up and giving my apartment a thorough cleaning. I went to the gym, stopped at the grocery store on my way home, and came back to work on my lesson plans for the week. Rosalie came by on her way home from Felix's house and we went to get some salads for dinner. She stayed around until Edward called, helped me pick out something to wear, and left the apartment when I did.
I met him at the mall again, and for the briefest moment I saw something indistinguishable in his eyes as he got out of his car to greet me. As soon as it appeared it was gone, and he was being as sweet and affectionate as the last time we were together. He took me to Mike's house, which I assumed meant he wanted to be alone with me. I considered offering up my apartment, but I still didn’t know what this all meant. Would a married man get freaked out if I asked him to come home with me? I wasn’t sure, so I went along with his idea for the time being. I did have to wonder if Edward ever noticed the looks Mike gave me, though. Mr. Creep-o seemed to be in a better mood when we arrived, but he still ogled me in an uncomfortable way. Apparently he had nailed some stripper who was even younger than me, so he was on cloud nine. Edward wasted little time when Mike got a call from Stripperella, and dragged me to one of the guest rooms.
He threw me down on the bed and practically attacked me. I wasn't complaining. It was actually kind of flattering, and it was damn good. He was almost animalistic in the way he drove into me and moaned my name. I allowed him to control most of it and that happened to include leaning his forehead against mine whenever our position allowed it. He never took his eyes off mine, and when we weren’t face to face he utilized the large mirror on the dresser to maintain our gaze. It was all-consuming and impossible to escape. He was fucking me with his body, but I felt as though he was making love to me with his eyes. I hoped I was just imagining that; it was a little overwhelming to consider. I was trapped in his stare; forced to go along with his fierce dominance over my body. The eye contact definitely added to the intensity of the three mind blowing orgasms he gave me, so I wasn't going to question whatever the hell brought that out in him.
When he finally let my legs drop from his shoulders and rolled to my side, he pulled me against him face to face. We laid there for a long time catching our breath and staring at one another, and then we just talked. We talked on and on about stupid, pointless stuff and allowed our body temperatures to level out. He told me about the newest koi pond he was installing in his backyard, using details I didn't understand or care about, but I still listened. I told him about my lone goldfish, Lloyd Dobler, who had survived life with me since college.
“So I guess we both have a little obsession with fish,” he said with a smile, weaving his fingers into my hair.
“No,” I countered. “You have a thing with fish. I have a thing for John Cusack and grand gestures. Oh! And Peter Gabriel, too!” I added.
“In Your Eyes is one of greatest songs of the ‘80s, so I’ll give you that one. I’m also rather shocked you could keep a goldfish alive for so long.”
“He’s a fighter, just like his namesake,” I joked.
His smiled brightened and he leaned in to kiss me for the hundredth time. “I can hardly keep up with you. I never know what you’re going to say next.”
I slid my hand up from his waist until it rest on the side of his neck. “I could say the same thing about you,” I whispered.
I closed my eyes and smiled happily, wondering how long it would be before he was ready to have sex again.
He resumed our conversation a few minutes later with questions about my favorite books and movies.
After a long time, he sat up abruptly, interrupting something I was saying, and started pulling his clothes on. Feeling a little awkward about being the naked chick alone on the bed, I began to do the same.
He plopped back down on the bed when he was dressed and looked at me with a cold stare. His eyes didn't look as bright as they had minutes before; there was something distant in them. I wanted to ask him what wrong, but before I could form the words he spoke.
“I'm not going to leave my wife for you,” he said bluntly.
“Uh, what?” was the only response I could manage in my flabbergasted state. It felt like déjà vu from the night we met, but I didn’t understand where it had come from.
“I just don't want you to expect something like that.”
I was dumbstruck. Did I do something to bring on that reaction?
“Have I ever said I wanted that?” My tone was harsh and bitter.
“No,” he mumbled looking down, and then he snapped back up again. “This isn't just some shit I do all the time, but I don't want you to think too much about it. Fuck!” he yelled, looking down and pinching the bridge of his nose. “No, I just mean…shit, I like you, but I have a family. I'm not yours, okay?”
“Fuck, Edward! Where do you come up with this shit? Since when have I ever implied that I want anything from you?”
His sudden outburst struck a chord in me that I hadn’t visited in a long time. My entire body instantly felt the same fire that James used to bring out in me when he would pick fights and accuse me of ridiculous things that had never happened.
He just stared at me, not saying anything. Not one single word. Asshole.
I instinctively launched into my defense.
“If I'm not mistaken, you are the one who approached me. You are the one who called me. Repeatedly, in fact. You're the one who lied about having a kid and is cheating on your wife. And how do I even know that you haven't done this before?”
An onslaught of emotions seemed to move across his face so quickly that I didn’t have time to decipher them. Nothing made sense. I wanted to understand what brought this on and what he was thinking, but I didn’t see a point after what he just said. The damage was done. Unfortunately, he just kept on talking…and torturing me with his words.
“Bella, you're the only person I've done this with, and I didn't lie about my family.” He ignored my dirty, doubtful look. “You obviously don't have a problem with our circumstances and I don't even know what that means about you. I don't know what or who you do and I'm not trying to take any chances here. I mean, if I gave my wife something or you got pregnant, I would lose my son forever and I can't do that. You don’t understand. You just need to-”
I cut him off. The fires of Hades were burning in my gut and my fists were suddenly balled up in the bedspread.
“Shut the fuck up!” I screamed. “If it isn't the fucking pot calling the kettle black!”
His face was blank now. All the color had drained, and those big green eyes were wide and hesitant.
“Don't act like you know me, because you don't. What I do isn't your business, but, yes, I do have a sex life outside of this, as I'm sure you do with your wife. Don't you dare judge me for it because you are the one who is married and has a kid at home. You're the one cheating on both of them. I might be the mistress or whatever the hell you want to call it, but any other guy in my life knows where we stand. I really thought you and I could have some fun together, but I guess not.
“And how dare you imply that I don't keep my shit clean? I'm like the people version of Lysol. I don't take stupid risks. I get myself tested more than most people bother to because I'm responsible like that, and I take my birth control like it's my religion, thank you very much. How dare you even imply that I'm trying to get more from you than what this is right here. I like you, but I'm not a fucking idiot or some stupid teenager with a crush.
“I know what you and I are, Edward. We fuck, we have our fun, and then we go back to our respective lives like it never happened. So just...” I paused and glared at him before allowing my final words to pass over my lips. “Fuck you, Edward, and go to hell.”
We just sat there like that for what felt like an eternity, staring each other down and trying to deal with the sting of my words. When I finally caught my breath and felt my heart rate slow, I folded my arms across my chest and looked down. I could still feel Edward's eyes burning into me, but he didn't say anything.
With a heavy sigh, I turned off the bed and reached for my shoes.
“Bella, I...” he said quietly.
“Take me back to my car,” I mumbled, standing up and walking toward the door. I had no more fight left in me. As soon as I got it out of my system, the hurt took over. I didn't dare look at him.
“I'm...I'm sorry. There are things I can’t…” he said softly, but nothing more as his words trailed off. He tried to put his hand on the small of my back when we went down the stairs, but I shrugged away from his touch. I headed straight out the door, nodding at Mike, and then walked to Edward's car. I didn't wait for him to say goodbye to his friend or come out of the house before I got inside and put on my seatbelt.
We didn't say anything the entire way back to the mall, which was extremely awkward considering it was at least a twenty minute drive. I didn’t dare look at him, but I could feel his eyes on me. He made little noises a few times that made me think he was going to speak, but he never did. We just sat there, three feet apart, listening to Blue October in silence. Fuck me, I love that band, but under the circumstances, the lyrics fit my mood in a miserable way. I thought I might scream, but instead I just tried to block it out, staring out the window at nothing.
When he finally pulled up next to my car I remained silent. I saw him turn toward me as I reached for the handle.
“Wait,” he said, stretching his hand toward mine, but pulling it back before making contact. Slowly, very slowly, I crooked my head toward him.
“Don't, just don't,” I whispered. I met his eyes and saw that he looked sad, maybe even regretful. For what, I wasn't sure. It could have been anything at this point. Starting this tryst in the first place, calling me this week, saying what he said. I didn't care. I wanted to go home and pretend like this whole night never happened. It had started out so well, but now I was feeling offended and hurt, and I hated it.
“Listen,” I continued. “I wasted two years with a sad excuse for a man who never deserved me in the first place. My world revolved around him for that time because he wouldn't allow it any other way. I'm just getting my shit together, Edward. What I do, my life, it's finally about me.” I was surprised by how calm it was all coming out. “I refuse to be controlled now, and I refuse to be treated like a whore. I take full responsibility for all of my actions and don't hide who I am, but this just isn't...isn't a good idea, apparently. It was fun. Please don't call me again.”
I turned from him and got out of his car as quickly and calmly as I could manage. I was just...numb. As I closed the door, not looking back, I cut off whatever he was going to say.
“Bella, please-”
My car beeped and unlocked as I hit the button on my key chain, and I slipped into the seat with my eyes on the steering wheel. As I drove away, I only looked ahead. I didn't dare glance at my mirrors or to the side. If I did, the numbness may have given way to something more – pain, loss, anger – I wasn’t sure. I needed to keep those emotions at bay as long as possible, preferably until I at least got home.
Tunnel vision got me home, where I fell into my bed fully clothed. I stayed there until my alarm rang Monday morning, and I got ready for work.
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